Overwhelmed Moms -- Brenda Slaby --Oprah Topic

[srhs]

So I attended a taping of the Oprah show this week, and the topic was overwhelmed moms. She had Brenda Slaby on, the woman who forgot her 2-year-old was in the back seat when she went to work.
Other moms chimed in about near-accidents they've had because they were so overwhelmed/busy/stressed/tired.
Oprah kept asking why moms don't support each other more, rather than being so critical, especially since a lot of these moms tended to say the same things:
"I wanted to be the perfect mom."
"I never thought to ask for help."
"I hadn't had a full night's sleep in x time."

I didn't search the archives, but you all probably hashed the event out when it happened.
I thought the overall topic was pertinent to this group, though.
Any thoughts?

[maestramommy]

I *think* I haven't seen this topic on this board in a long time. I did read the story on this particular incident (college professor, right?), and it was heartbreaking, esp. when I got to the part about how the baby looked when she was found. I have seen it on another parenting forum, and to read a lot of the posts you'd think this woman did it on purpose. Fortunately there were some more compassionate posters that stood up for her. It is so tragic when something like this happens, the last thing a parent needs to for other to rant about how they would never do something like that, how can one forget there's a baby in back, etc. etc. The fact is, many of us are extremely sleep-deprived at some point in our early parenting career, and that's when things like this can happen. Particularly when there is a sudden change in routine. We tend to go on autopilot.

I remember riding with only Arwyn in the car just the other day. She was very quiet back there, not even talking to herself. It hardly happens that I ride with only her, it's usually both kids or neither. I suddenly had that weird feeling of "gee, it would be pretty easy to forget she was there if I had my mind on other things (like staying awake and driving properly) and just go into the store without her." Very frightening.

BTW, how did it go with the pumping at the studio? Did you have a problem at all?

[KHF]

Thanks for the heads up that she is going to be on Oprah. I actually live in the Cincinnati area (where this happened) and it was a huge story here. I can't even imagine the pain she has had to endure and was wondering how she was doing. She was largely villified in the area, and I wondered if she was even still around.

Sadly, almost a year to the day of when this happened to Brenda, almost the exact same situation happened again here in Cincinnati. Another child died, after being left in the car.

Kirsten

[KHF]

Melinda, the one that happened recently was the one that was a professor at the Cincinnati Christian University. She was a counseling professor. Brenda Slaby was the principal of a middle school.

[srhs]

Melinda--She was a school asst. principal. The show was about the backlash a bit. She lost her job, the community turned on her, etc. They made a point of going over how the "routine" was different that day because DH usually dropped off both girls.
Oprah had set up an anonymous hotline, and moms called in with some pretty scary stories of near-misses.

One lady in the audience did say her friend had responded to the story with, "Who in the world would do that?" and she'd told her, "You. You could do that. I could do that." It was interesting and very, very sad.

(Thanks for asking about the pumping. It was okay but odd. I had a hard time knowing what was going on, when I supposed to pump, and where. One person would be super-friendly and say, "We have your pump at security whenever you need it. And we have a room you can use." Another pointed me to the only bathroom and acted like I was a pain. In the end, I did get to use a private bathroom and get to bring my pump and get to see the show, so I was happy! There was just a lot of, "What am I supposed to do? Should I go now? Should I wait? Where am I supposed to go? Where are you taking my pump?" time.)

[August Mom]

I remember that. Certainly I feel awful for her, but I really don't understand how it can happen. Yes, I have been sleep deprived. Yes, I get distracted. Yes, I screw up sometimes. But, I have trouble appreciating how you can forget a human being in the back seat.

[srhs]

I will post the air date when they announce it.
Oprah said 33 children died in hot cars this year.

[wendibird22]

Here are my initial thoughts on this:
1. I think it is hard to reach out to other moms for support because you figure that every other mom has enough on her plate too. I think that's why online communities like BBB are so helpful. It is far easier for me to post a quick message and have people respond when they have time then to call another mom IRL.

2. I think there is a lot of pressure on women to "have it all"...the successful career, the successful marriage, the successful family. And it's hard to admit when you are failing at that. As a full time working mom I've told DH countless times that it is IMPOSSIBLE to be the employee that my boss wants me to be AND the wife DH wants me to be AND the mom DD deserves AND the person I want to be. Something on that list has to come last and oftentimes its the last one. Me. And that's when the stress, and the exhaustion, and the depression tend to take over for a lot of women. We have to make it okay to put ourselves first every once and a while.

3. Finally, I think there's always pressure for the next generation to be better parents than their's or to provide more opportunities than we had, etc. We are living crazy busy lives trying to be in 12 places at once. I already see this with my brother's family and his DDs are only 7 & 4. They are never home, never together as a family, and miserable most of the time.

Sadly, there's a far greater burden placed on moms than on dads to be everything to everyone. It's June Cleaver, meets Martha Stewart, meets Oprah. And personally, I don't think it's fair or healthy to think I can be all 3 of these women at once.

[egoldber]

When Amy was about 3 months old, Adam and I took both girls to a store. He was driving, hopped out, got Sarah out and started walking to the store. And I was like ummmm....forgetting something much??? He looked at me for a full 10 seconds before realizing that he had forgotten Amy in the car! He was so not used to having both kids with him, since I am the one that usually drives both kids around. Occasionally he takes Sarah out for an outing by herself, but he has still never taken Amy by herself anywhere.

I *think* he would have remembered Amy..... eventually.......but I can totally see how it could happen with a quiet baby sleeping in the car.

[maestramommy]

I remember that. Certainly I feel awful for her, but I really don't understand how it can happen. Yes, I have been sleep deprived. Yes, I get distracted. Yes, I screw up sometimes. But, I have trouble appreciating how you can forget a human being in the back seat.

I think that will be the point of the show. Also the show said that 33 children died in hot cars this year. As an absolute number even one is too much, but as a statistic it's very low. I'm sure it ranks pretty low when compared with other things that kill or badly injure children each year (car accidents, drowning, other home related injuries).

Also, I do want to point out that once someone is past the point of exhaustion and possibly depression, having a human being may not be any different from having an inanimate object in the trunk that you suddenly decide has to be brought somewhere. Particularly if the human being makes absolutely no sound and you are quite distracted by more immediate matters, like traffic.

This is why Dh constantly tells me (to my annoyance sometimes) that it is SO SO important to be extra attentive when faced with an unfamiliar situation. I have never left a child in a car, but twice in two days I left the stove on after I was done cooking because I am still unfamiliar with this range, one of the "on" lights is broken, and at one point I was cooking while holding a fussy baby who kept trying to grab the pot. I was irritated with Dh for getting me on it, but mostly I was mad at myself for not paying more attention to what I was doing. If the house burned down, all the good reasons in the world wouldn't change a thing.

[lizajane]

i am not sure i can watch it. i am obsessive and would lose sleep. of course, who could not lose sleep over such a terrible tragedy?

i would be interested in the moms supporting moms section. i find myself constantly offering to help other people. i like to be generous and it makes me feel good. but i have to admit, sometimes i want someone to offer to help ME!! ME ME ME!!! i have a challenging kid, and i can almost be sure i will get more offers to help now that he is in school full time and i would only need help with my "easy" kid.

but in spite of my selfish "where's MY help" attitude sometimes, i find that in my circle, we moms DO really help each other A LOT! it helps that we are the same age-ish and mostly all have kids the same ages and the same number of kids. my friends, as a group, are in their early to mid 30s. have two kids. have a youngest who is over a year and an oldest who is under 8. my friends i see most often have over a year youngest and 5 and under oldest. so they play well together, do the same activities AND the moms have the same challenges- hard to make dinner with wild toddler, need someone to watch kids who aren't in school during an adult dr's appt, didn't get enough sleep due to cranky child and needs a break, etc.

i am very fortunate and blessed.

[lmwbasye]

Well, I will say that what scares me the most is that I could all but guarantee that before these terrible things happened to these families, each and every parent that has done this would have also said that they have no idea how this could happen to someone and could never imagine that they would do that.

[ha98ed14]

Here are my initial thoughts on this:
1. I think it is hard to reach out to other moms for support because you figure that every other mom has enough on her plate too. I think that's why online communities like BBB are so helpful. It is far easier for me to post a quick message and have people respond when they have time then to call another mom IRL.

2. I think there is a lot of pressure on women to "have it all"...the successful career, the successful marriage, the successful family. And it's hard to admit when you are failing at that. As a full time working mom I've told DH countless times that it is IMPOSSIBLE to be the employee that my boss wants me to be AND the wife DH wants me to be AND the mom DD deserves AND the person I want to be. Something on that list has to come last and oftentimes its the last one. Me. And that's when the stress, and the exhaustion, and the depression tend to take over for a lot of women. We have to make it okay to put ourselves first every once and a while.

3. Finally, I think there's always pressure for the next generation to be better parents than their's or to provide more opportunities than we had, etc. We are living crazy busy lives trying to be in 12 places at once. I already see this with my brother's family and his DDs are only 7 & 4. They are never home, never together as a family, and miserable most of the time.

Sadly, there's a far greater burden placed on moms than on dads to be everything to everyone. It's June Cleaver, meets Martha Stewart, meets Oprah. And personally, I don't think it's fair or healthy to think I can be all 3 of these women at once.

I think there is a lot of wisdom and insight in this post. Thanks for your thoughts...

[hez]

Here are my initial thoughts on this:
2. I think there is a lot of pressure on women to "have it all"...the successful career, the successful marriage, the successful family. And it's hard to admit when you are failing at that. As a full time working mom I've told DH countless times that it is IMPOSSIBLE to be the employee that my boss wants me to be AND the wife DH wants me to be AND the mom DD deserves AND the person I want to be. Something on that list has to come last and oftentimes its the last one. Me. And that's when the stress, and the exhaustion, and the depression tend to take over for a lot of women. We have to make it okay to put ourselves first every once and a while.

A wise, wise woman I know at work once said, "You can have it all, you just can't have it all at the same time." Not sure if she 'borrowed' that from someone else, but I've grabbed hold of it. It's one of the reasons I took a career pause for a year to stay home with my kids now that DD is here.

That said, I still find myself trying to be all things to all people, and falling miserably short. If I don't force myself to take reality check, something else WILL.

I'm also a Cincy-area mom, and I've been very sad about the forgotten-in-the-car situations-- the coverage and the local reactions. The first time I ever really paid attention to such a story (my first summer working after DS was born), I got in the habit of checking in with DH about dropoff (no matter which of us did it). I was (and am) deathly afraid of having something like that happen to our family because I can see just how it might happen when DH or I would have a schedule change for an early meeting.