Do you butt heads w your mom over your "contemporary" parenting choices?

[srhs]

Do you butt heads with your mom over your "contemporary" parenting choices? If so, how do you handle it while respecting that you aren't saying she did things wrong?

I'm sure this applies to ILs, sisters, friends, etc. too...

[tnrnchick74]

I live with my Mom, and she doesn't agree with the latest "trends" - especially regarding feeding.

She goes with me most of the time to the pediatrician, and she asks very direct questions (not being argumentative) to the ped, who very patiently explains the latest research.

She may not agree with it, or my ideas (especially regarding attachment parenting), but she respects me and my role as the mother enough to not go against my wishes. Of course I listen to her ideas, and take them into consideration. Some things work for Parker, others don't.

I make it very clear what is negotiable and what is NOT. She totally respects that, even if she doesn't agree.

[egoldber]

No. I don't even open it up for negotiation through. My parenting choices are not up for debate. Debating or arguing your choices sends the signal that you ARE open to persuasion. Cutting off the conversation with "I know we disagree but this is my choice and I'm not discussing it" works very well for me.

My own mother would never dream of saying anything (my childless sister OTOH.... eyeroll). My MIL is a bit trickier. She is a child psych by training (fun times that...) but she has very old school opinions and grew up in the era of "formula and scheduling are best". I know she doesn't agree with many of my choices and I know for a fact she is pretty horrified at how long I am breastfeeding Amy. But she would never say anything directly to me LOL!!!

[brittone2]

Not really. My mom had three biological children. I was the last. She did the unmedicated birth/Lamaze thing w/ her labor with me, and BF me for 18 months (pretty uncommon in the late 70s). She coslept with me too. (she didn't do those things w/ my brothers but there was a pretty big gap in between us age-wise).

I'm sure my mom and dad don't agree w/ all of my decisions, but they respect that DH and I do our homework and really, they keep their opinions private if they disagree. My kids are not their first grandkids though, so they've had some practice w/ boundaries, kwim?

My 2 children are the first two grandkids on DH's side. MIL is not supportive of BFing, etc. My ILs have had some major issues w/ our parenting choices. My MIL gets offended by things like us making baby food for DS vs. buying it ("out of a jar was good enough for DH") so I realize that it isn't a discussion worth having. I never bashed her choices, but she'd ask why we were doing XYZ and we'd explain. However, eVvrything that is differentfrom how they did it is a personal affront to how they raised their children, kwim? I can explain to my mom that solids are no longer recommended for BFing babies prior to 6 months and she gets it. I can explain that to my MIL and she'll just keep asking over and over, so I know she's not open to hearing it. She insisted DS would be walking at 10 months if I put him in hard-soled shoes, and my explanations would not suffice, even though I worked as a pedatric physical therapist before having my kids (and my DS walked at a totally average 13.5 months). It would be the same passive-aggressive comments each and every time she saw us, even though we explained over and over. SHe just isn't open to new info.

We finally just had to draw boundaries for the ILs and it isn't open for discussion any longer. We also moved out of state ;)

[MontrealMum]

At first, it was difficult with my mom, who seemed to take every "different" or "new" parenting choice as a direct attack on her choices with me. I can't tell you how many times I heard that from her what a good mother she was. At some point over the past year that has stopped, and on our recent visit I noticed that she is rarely critical, but repeats my parenting choices/advice - to others! She's still resistant, but not critical, so I'll take what I can get. I have no idea how that happened---otherwise I'd share such a wonderful secret!

Friends, well, usually I just ignore it. I'm not up for heated debates on Jolly Jumpers and Exersaucers, and our house is small, so where would we put them anyways. Something about carseats I'd fight a bit more for, but that hasn't happened, yet. I have lots of friends in town with LO right now, so I'm sure it will become more of an issue.

MIL? ARGH! Funny thing is, her "advice" is supposed to be helpful. I know that this is her goal. But it's just so outdated, and really, so ill-advised - that it's worse than my mom's was (she's even older). For example, she wanted us to let DS play in the local sandbox, at 9 mos. - can you say sand in eyes? The beach at 12 mos. was OK, but he ate a lot of sand. (OK, maybe that's not such a great example) She thought that instead of using our pulk (which is FOR skiing) we should just buy a flying saucer and strap his carseat to it for the winter. Yeah, cause that's safe, and we already had the pulk which was for that specific purpose. Also, she is very anti-feeding avocado since she thinks it's going to make DS fat. He's bounced between 10-20% weight-for-height at every visit - weight is NOT going to be a problem for this kid, trust me. He take after me physically, not DH. If I was feeding him cake and cookies every day, OK, but something like avocado, I think he'll survive. Since it's well-intended I try to ignore it as much as possible. And SIL, well, we don't speak to her, so problem solved ;) if we did, I'd have some great stories to post here though...

It's hard, but remember, you're the mom. Paraphrasing Beth (egoldber) above, parenting choices shouldn't be up for debate :)

[MelissaTC]

I know at times that my Dad doesn't agree with our parenting choices, specifically regarding discipline. He believes in old school, heavy handed discipline and we have rarely spanked our child (and I wish we never had when we did). He thinks we should be more on top of DS. I also know that he thinks I am wasting my education and potential by being a SAHM (insert eyeroll here). He doesn't say much anymore because he knows I am stubborn as he is and knows that I don't agree. My Mom has been very supportive of our choices and for that I am grateful.

[lizajane]

i truly could not be more fortunate. my mom breastfed in the 70's, even when the hospital told her NOT to breastfeed my sister. she had unmedicated births, but i did not and she did not judge. she used cloth diapers, and so did i. my father was happy to change poopy cloth diapers for my kids. pretty darn awesome! my mom thought it was lovely that i made homemade organic baby food and ALWAYS asked before feeding anything to my children before they were 18m-2. she even asks me if it is ok if she uses certain cleaning products, etc. in my home when she visits and runs to the store for me and helps clean up. she supports every single choice i make. co-sleeping is terrifying to her (she knows some stories...) but she never said a word when i tried it with dylan when he was 7 months-ish and still didn't sleep all night-up 4 times/night. (didn't until he was 18m) i breastfeed for 14m and then for 17m and she never made any negative remark about it, or about feeding them in public. she loves that i stay at home but would be proud if i worked outside the home.

MIL is pretty much identical to my own mom, except my choices are opposite hers. she FF, she used pampers, etc. of course, she LOVES a baby in her bed snuggled up, so when dylan woke up at their house on a visit once, FIL took him from exhausted DH and then instead of bringing him to our room when he got him to sleep, he took him into bed with FIL and MIL (very comfortable with this- they are very great) and MIL was SO THRILLED to wake up with my baby. (probably in the 10-18 months old range, can't remember.) she thinks my cloth diapers are the best idea ever, breastfeeding is SO wonderful, she supported up financially with large gifts so i could stay home "as long as i wanted to" which indicated that she would be as proud if i went to working outside the home.

my sister also agrees with everything i have done, even though she WOTH, uses sposies, had to FF when work no longer allowed her to EBF (lawyer in court) and feeds her son differently.

and SIL is young and from india, so her parenting ideas are not entirely formed yet. but she loves my kids, even though she rarely sees them, and would never question what i do with them. she and BIL just fawn all over them with loving attention when they see them.

could i be ANY more lucky????? i am SO blessed. :)

[mamicka]

could i be ANY more lucky????? i am SO blessed. :)

You *are* so blessed - I wish my story could be just like that... alas it's not. My situation isn't as bad as some have described, but there have been a few arguments with both sides & now I just state the rules & change the subject.

[linsei]

I don't know what they did to these women in the 70's, but it seems like everyone has a mom that disagrees about feeding!

The only issue we that my mom has expressed her concern about was feeding. I got the typical "he would sleep better if you gave him formula before bed" and "if you feed him some cereal you wouldn't have to nurse him so much" and "he's just not satisfied, he needs solid food".

I did cave in with ds1, and she convinced me to start solids @ 4 months. She watched him while I worked 2-3 days/week. She also mixed rice cereal in his bottles without consulting me and cut the bottle nipple larger. Grr... I am also convinced that she overfed ds1. I could not keep up with pumping, and did not really know why at the time. When I would pick him up after work, he did not want to nurse at all (he was already too full), and she would tell me that he took a crazy huge amount of ebm.

With ds2, I went back to work, but it only lasted 3 days (I'm not working anymore). She has only watched him a couple of times. The 1st time, he took 40 oz of ebm in 8 hours (yes, 40 oz for a then 4.5 month old). He also spit up a ton when DH arrived to pick him up. He would not nurse the rest of the day. That further confirmed my decision not to go back to work. I did stand firm to not give cereal early or start solids until 6 months. Yay me!

As a contrast, my IL's do think BFing is "icky" (according to DH, they have not told me this), but it is really just manifested by their their discomfort. Thankfully, they do not comment :) MIL watched the boys recently for a few hours, and ds2 would not eat or take a bottle for her, but he was content. Totally fine, IMO. Kuddos to MIL.

ETA: My mom was probably more AP than me. She BF'd until she had to stop for an antibiotic (they used to tell moms to stop BFing for antibiotics then). She did an unmedicated birth (I did not!), did some co-sleeping (I do not).

[srhs]

These are all really thoughtful/helpful experiences. Thanks! Now, can someone remind me of all this if I'm ever blessed to become a grandma?!? Especially because I have a boy and it seems MILs are the worst!

I probably shouldn't have said "butt heads," but it sounds like you knew exactly what I meant. My mom would never argue with me, but she can be hurt...I can tell. And it seems like so many of the things I (as her child) "loved," are the exact things that aren't recommended now. I don't fault her; I definitely believe she did the very best she could as a mom with what she knew...that's all any of us hopes to do, right?

Soooo, any tips on what advice I CAN take from her? What could I ask her about that would make her feel appreciated and not rejected? I know in many ways, this is *her* issue, but I'm sure we all appreciate our moms. I just stink at expressing it because I am so caught up in DS's needs.

I think a big part is that we came into these new roles with much different expectations. She was very young and 2 mins. from her own mother with her first kid. I am older, out-of-state, have a very involved DH, and well I have the Internet---:ROTFLMAO:

[MamaMolly]

Soooo, any tips on what advice I CAN take from her? What could I ask her about that would make her feel appreciated and not rejected? I know in many ways, this is *her* issue, but I'm sure we all appreciate our moms.

I have an aunt who lives nearby and whom I dearly love but she has some seriously wacky ideas when it comes to kids. Like if the don't wear socks they get colic, beer will help your milk come in, other stuff like that. She adores DD and has been a rock when DH got sick, so I dare not offend her by telling her to back off.

But what I do is kid of silly. I actually think up 'problems' to have so she can advise and fix them. I'll think of something that is kind of a non issue for me, and call her and tell her I can't make up my mind or I just don't know what to do. More often than not she has great suggestions! I do this for baby and non baby stuff.

So the next time you find yourself mulling over weather or not the Costco brand Free and Clear is as good/better than the name brand, call her! Red grapes or green? Call her! Ants in the pantry? Call her!

And the best part is you don't have to take her advice. Just showing you are open to hearing what she has to say is as important!

[buddyleebaby]

My mom and dad are pretty respectful of my choices. Sometimes my mom will gently comment on something and I will gently remind her that it is my child, and she will back off. She remembers being annoyed by her own mother's unsolicited advice, and I try to remember that she is a mother with a lot of valuable life experience and that her intentions are always good.
When DS was born my dad said he knew it was none of his business but asked if I would consider leaving DS intact. I told him he was right, it was none of his business, but that I had no intention of having him circ'ed anyway. I know for someone else it may have been offensive but since my dad has never ever made any comment about any other parenting decision I have made, I found it kind of cute.

I love my parents. :applause:

[niccig]

You can search the bitching post and find stories about my mother. With everyone she is controlling and opinionated about everything. And she tries to be about DS. The worst time was when we visited and DS was having a tantrum and as I was dealing with him in the bedroom, she stormed into the room and tried to take over. I told her to leave as I didn't need help. I think in her mind she's helping as she believes she knows more/has experienced more. I also don't think she's accepted the grandmother role, she wants DS to be raised her way, and doesn't respect DH or I as his parents.

I no longer ask advice or mention something DH and I are discussing. As someone already mentioned, I'm older than she was when she had her kids, DH is very involved and we have the Internet and all the BBB parents to seek advice from. We still talk, get on the web cam (they live on the other side of the world), but I no longer talk about parenting issues. It's easier to avoid topics because of the distance. I'm not looking forward to the next visit, as with each visit, things seem to get worse. I'm thinking of taking inspiration from Elizabeth and yelling "VAGINA, VAGINA. He came out of my VAGINA and not yours".

I like the suggestion of "I know we disagree but this is my choice and I'm not discussing it", for when people are pushing you to do something you do not want. I'll have to try it as it'll go over better than the VAGINA option. :duck:

As I'm having more problems with my mother, I am getting along better with my MIL. She doesn't impose on you her views, and she doesn't try to interfere. She has given advice, but only after asking first, and it's never critical or judgmental. It's a suggestion.

[MontrealMum]

I would say that depending on the motivation (as in, maybe not like Beth and Nicci are dealing with) but with a parent that is criticizing but cares about you?...then, I'd ask for their opinion from time to time. But not on anything too important, as Molly said, you can even make things up.

I have problems dealing with my mom over other issues since she is very judgemental and probably has early-onset dementia, but she comments from a position of caring (with regard to DS), and her advice is about validation *for her*. The surprising thing? My parenting style is actually pretty close to hers, never thought I'd say that!

Find out what your mom is good at, or areas in which you might agree. My mom is an expert diaper changer. And I say that not because I'm trying to wheedle my way out of changing stinky diapers, but because she was a special ed. teacher and has changed thousands of diapers in her time. So, I ask her "advice" about that, and let her give me tips (since they're good ones). She's also good on advice for dealing with picky eaters - gee, wonder why ;) Also, I've found that literature helps. If an "expert" says it, my mom is more inclined to agree. The expert needs to have lots of letters after their name, unfortunately the letters after my name don't count!

FWIW - I would not try this tack with MIL, who, even though she *cares* has a radically different parenting style (she was raised in the 30s), and I'm not opening our ways up to her opinions. End of story. Luckily SIL was wacky enough, and blasted her often, so her comments and advice are pretty rare.

I'm pretty lucky. HTH :)

[lmwbasye]

Hmm...not really, but she does acknowledge that it is different now. I think there is no tension because she seems to have taken with the idea that it's more that the current trends are just different now. In her eyes, I'm not going with something different than what she did because she did it wrong, more that I'm doing something because it is what pediatricians and the like say to do.

I know there are times she thinks things I do are weird, but she just chalks it up to "these newfangled kids now". :)

[kijip]

Not so much because it is just not open for debate. Also my parents seem to have been converted to some of the things (not by discussion, but observation). This is in part because they have 3 grandchildren that are not parented well and they see the difference in outcomes with the kids. My dad, more so than my mom, had some funny things to say about things at first pretty soon he was telling me my own parenting techniques back to me (again, by observation, not discussion). I don't DO debate on parenting my child - unless you are my husband, ya have no vote. :ROTFLMAO:

[SnuggleBuggles]

My mom respects that I have done my research and am making well thought choices. That was pretty much what she said to me when we told her baby #2 would be born at a birth center. She was very worried about that choice but realized I wouldn't do it if I didn't feel it was a safe choice. She never breastfed so she didn't really get it with ds1 but she tried her best to be supportive. Same thing with delaying solids...

My inlaws have always been cool. MIL had 4 unmedicated births and bf all of her kids. They have always been supportive of our choices. Well, at least until we decided not to send ds to our local public school (of which FIL is on the school board) b/c I feel it is a bad choice for ds (no recess, school not making NCLB standards...). We have to not talk about school stuff. I am sure they understand that we feel we are making what we feel to be the best choice for us though.

We have very supportive families. No one dreams of questioning me either about most since they know how much I research.

Beth

[Gena]

My parents have always been very respectful of my parenting choices, even when they disagree. My mother often comments in wonder "So much has changed since I was raising my kids" and she is very eager to understand why I make different choices than she did. If she disagrees with my choices, she keeps that to herself. My mother knows that my experience with parenting is very different from hers, in large part because of my son's disorder. My parents have been very supportive and helpful every step of the way.

My MIL has been a completely different story. Things are getting better now that she accepts DS's diagnosis. But prior to that she was very vocal about how she disagrees with my parenting decisions. She was very critical of me and insisted that DS's developmental issues were due to bad parenting. It has made things very difficult between us.

[mdb78]

Oh yeah, we butted heads. When we were living in CA, and 2 weeks after dd was born, my parents came to visit for 10 days. She would tell me one thing, but I would disagree. I remember hearing her laughing to one of her friends on the phone about how its a clash between the new and the old!

We moved back and currently we are living with my parents. We don't butt heads as much now. I usually just let her say what she wants to say because I know she just has to say it. She knows that most likely I won't listen and do it my own way.

As for MIL, there were some things that she would do that would annoy me and say (mostly old wives tales). Had to correct her.

[C99]

No. I think my mom was way before her time parenting-wise! Either that or she's just really good at keeping her opinions to herself.

[Wife_and_mommy]

There was a learning curve with #1.:ROTFLMAO:

With my family, it was mostly comments about BF. None of them did so they were dumbfounded that my milk could keep a baby alive. My mom isn't one to criticize and knows I've always done things differently than most IRL so, thankfully, she'd only ask polite questions and leave it at that.

Like a PP, my IL's are more old-fashioned in their discipline so identify with BIL's more than ours. They realize our children are being raised well but non-verbally nit pick at individual situations. Spending time together can be really uncomfortable.