What is a reasonably polite way to tell others they may not parent your child?

[KBecks]

So how do I tell

A) Seven year old niece -- not to give my son orders unless it's something that directly affects her?

B) SIL/BIL and others related -- to only set boundaries for their own children, not mine? If I think something is a problem, I will handle it.

I am a more relaxed parent. I am tired of having others ratchet up the rules based on what they think.

We shared a rental house this weekend, and I was a little frustrated by others telling my kids what they could and couldn't do. (While niece was allowed to constantly stoke a bonfire, which DH thought was dangerous but did not say anything, he left because he couldn't watch it.)

I hardly ever tell their kids what to do. I do not yell NO at their kids (unless it looks like one is in immediate danger to be hurt, which happened once).

I am especially tired of niece's "parenting". But several relatives/others made attempts. I felt kind of furious when one non-relative tried to coax my son to eat, and to blame my son for hurting my other son when he fell, and who tried to clean up what they were playing with when they were still playing.

Then there is my BIL who gave one of my son's toys to his son to play with (after of course, all I feel we hear is "that's theirs", "that's X's", because their family does not share.)

I guess this should go in the BP! But I am looking for what to say to get others to back off my kids. I feel OK with others' rules in their own homes, but on neutral turf, I am feeling very frustrated.

Lastly, my last bit of lack of understanding is yelling at their children (and mine) for going out at night when there are mosquitoes. I do not mind my kids going out at night and looking at fireflies, etc. We put on mosquito repellant if the mosquitoes are bothersome. My BIL/SIL keep their kids inside, which is fine, but I don't get it.

[JenaW]

When it comes to other family members, I think it is always harder. I have no problem telling strangers - for instance, at the grocery store DS (5yo) likes to find products by "reading" the labels - I might tell him to look for the DICED tomatoes, and then we will sound out the words and he will look for the correct can. One time he used the stocker's step stool to reach the top shelf. I was standing right behind him, and told him it was ok after he asked me. An older woman comes running down the aisle (not a store employee) yelling, "Oh honey, get off that stool. You could get hurt!" I just smiled politely and told her we were practicing our reading, and that I was watching to make sure he would not fall. It was seriously a 12 inch step stool, not a 12 foot ladder!!

I would not have an issue with the niece either, especially at 7 years old. (I am constantly reminding my DS that his younger sisters already have parents, and we can take care of them, thank you!!). I think I would simply tell her I appreciated her concern, but unless my child was doing something extremely dangerous (in which case it would be appropriate for her to tell me or another adult), that I am his mother and I would like to be the one to tell him what to do. I would probably try to make it very syrupy sweet, so as not to offend her TOO much, but at the same time gently remind her that he already has parents. "You are such a good, big cousin to "DS." Thank you for trying to be so helpful. But I think it would be easier if you let me tell him what to do/what not to do. It gets confusing when a lot of people are telling him different things." The BIL/SIL are more difficult, but if it was really getting to be an issue, I would probably try to do the same thing (or try and pawn it off on DH if it was his family!!). "I know you love "DS" so much, and I really appreciate your looking out for him. But it seems like sometimes we do things differently in our family, so unless he is doing something that is very dangerous, could you come and tell DH or I if he is doing something you think is inappropriate, that way we can decide and talk with him ourselves?" We have done this before when we vacationed with close friends. There were a few other couples with children, and after a particularly trying day where it seemed like EVERYONE was disciplining our children and not their own (when I really did not think our were as terrible as they were making them out to be!), we make a generalized comment to the entire group. We made it sound like we (sort of) agreed with them that things got out of hand (when I really think their expectations were just a lot different since most of them have 1-2 kids and we have 4 under 5, so we are used to/tolerate much more "organized chaos"). DH said "We really love it that you care about our kids so much. But we are trying a few new discipline techniques and I think it would be easier for our kids if you let us do the actual disciplining so we can keep things consistent. Obviously if someone is doing something dangerous, please go ahead and take care of the situation. But if it is a matter of sharing a toy, not picking up, being too loud, etc. we would appreciate it if you could come and explain the situation to one of us and let us handle it!"

With the mosquitoes, I would just say, "yup! They can be pesky. But DS loves the fireflies. If he starts to get bitten, we'll just use some bug spray!" Again, just keeping my tone syrupy sweet (while gritting my teeth so I don't say what I really want to!!).

Sorry to be so long-winded. I hope some of this is helpful. It is not easy!!

~J

[egoldber]

If it makes you feel any better, my 7 year old tells me how to parent all.day.long. And it drives me NUTS. There is something about that age, being a girl and perhaps having a touch of anxiety. I tell Sarah all the time, "It's not your job to parent Amy, it's mine and Daddy's job." So I think it would be very OK for you to say to your neice, "I appreciate you trying to help, but it's my job to be their parent."

As for different parenting styles, that's hard. We get together with my BIL/SIL a lot and they have a toddler and newborn twins. I disagree with a lot of what they do and they disagree with a lot of what I do. In some areas I am more relaxed and at other times it is reversed. One of my BIL's things is he doesn't "believe in" picky eating and he has given Sarah a hard time. I have had to firmly tell him, "BIL we do not do that in our house. I understand your rules are different and you can make the rules for your kids, but I make the rules for mine." He was pretty hurt for awhile, but he got over it. Setting those boundaries is important especially for someone that you will see often.

As for the mosquitos thing, I am like that too! I hate going out when the mosquitos ar eout because I am a magnet. I always get eaten alive and my bites tend to swell and hurt and linger for WEEKS. So for me avoiding then at all costs is important. Perhaps they and their kids react similarly? People going in and out leave doors open and bugs get inside too. But again, that may be something they have to learn to tolerate, but maybe you and your kids could learn to shut doors quickly? ;)

[KBecks]

I think the mosquito thing is a sensitivity issue -- I know my SIL has said my niece has sensitive skin, and I'm fine with their kids being told to stay in, but NOT MINE. All the kids have to stay in because they don't like mosquitoes. I'm not sure if I should fight this one or let it go. But I don't want their rules to always be imposed on my kids. My kids can go out at night, they can, and it's up to me to decide. (I am actually fine with keeping the kids in at night most of the time because it's less work to supervise, so it may not be an issue, but I don't want my kids yelled at if they go outside for a minute and a little cousin follows them out. And my boys like fireflies and I think it's a lot of fun to go watch them too. Maybe I shouldn't let my kids so that their kids don't feel bad for having different rules? But no.... that's not how it works. ) SIL/BIL do react to every mark on their kids, they are very concerned over skin, whereas I let my kids run with dirty faces. We have very different tolerance levels and expectations in this area!

It is tough with family. We are different from BIL/SIL and I think grandma and grandpa try to go with what BIL/SIL want because they are higher maintenance.

I think I do need to say some things, some times. I appreciate the suggestions, I need to figure out what I think I can manage -- I am not naturally sweet, especially when I'm irritated I have a very hard time not showing it. Sigh.

[egoldber]

To be clear, I wasn't saying not to let your kids outside. :) But perhaps be sensitive if their concern is that bites linger for a long time. If Sarah gets bites, she reacts like me and has a hard time sleeping, needs Benadryl (for the swelling and to sleep), they last for ages and it's a lot bigger deal than just being a mark, KWIM? I think that just paying attention to things like trying to make sure bugs don't get inside may help.

OTOH, they shouldn't be making rules for your kids, and if they expect your kids not to go outside because their kids don't that is not at all reasonable.

[Happy 2B mommy]

Depending on the relationship you have with BIL/SIL, I would try to set up 'house rules' for the kids when you're together, esp for those extended periods of time. Do you have a good enough relationship with them that you could negotiate it, with the understanding that a few things are the rules for your kids/their kids no matter what? I think I'd pharse it like "My DSs are sometimes confused and frustrated because we do things differently. I'd like us both to set up overall rules for the kids when they are together so they know what is expected of everybody."

As I remember, you posted a while back about BIL/SIL kids not sharing toys. Would they be receptive to the idea that all the kids bring 2 or 3 of their toys that will be 'sharing' toys and 1 toy that is not for sharing? Take pictures of each child with their special-not-for-sharing toy and hang it up on the wall if you need to so everyone understands the boundries.

As for your niece, my friend has an 8 year old girl and I agree that at that age, they really want to be the mommy. My friend's DD tells my DD and *me* what she can/not do.

[ha98ed14]

I can totally understand why that is frustrating and even makes you angry if it does. I think it would make me angry. (DD is only 16 mos, so no there is no real discipline other than distraction.) However, I wanted to share from the "other" perspective. Or another. I am sure there are many.

I am much more strict in what I consider tolerable behavior in kids. SIL is very relaxed, too much so for my comfort, given that her kids are overtly rude and no one corrects them. (I posted about it a little while ago.) Her kid was 9. I know your oldest is no where close to 9, so it is a different situation. But what might be the same is that from the in-laws point of view, your relaxed style allows the kids to in their mind "get away" with stuff that they would not let their kids do. From your previous posts about sharing, it sounds like BIL and SIL are selfish hypocrites, but there could be an element of seeing your kids do X, that they would not tolerate, and just automatically saying, "No, don't do that." I am not saying that they have the right to do so, just that it can be hard to catch yourself before you say it, which is what happened to me. It also is very dependant on one's perspective about what is acceptable, and as we know, that varies greatly between families and even individual Moms ad Dads. Reading Jera's post about what families with 4 kids are willing to tolerate vs. families with 2 kids is VERY true in my opinion. Especially in my life. SIL has 4. DH's best friend and his wife have 4. Being at their houses for me is chaos and I don't enjoy it. But the last time I was over there, the 5 y.o. picked up a metal bowl (think dog dish) and clocked the 3 y.o. in the head with it and nothing more was said than a gentle "We don't hit Sister." If it was my kid, they would have gotten a firm, "NO!" and sent out of the room/ away from the fun.

In the end, what SIL and I agreed on was that I would address my concerns with her and not say anything directly to her kids. I am going to do this out of respect for her and to keep the peace, but honestly, I don't think I should be restricted from saying something to her kids when their actions and/ or rudeness directly affect me or my kid. Just my side. Maybe relavant. Maybe not. Good luck. I *know* how hard in-law relations can be!

[HIU8]

My 3 1/2 year old is practicing to be a parent, it seems. He is constantly telling his sister (1 yr) what she can and can't do and what she can and can't have. DH and I have sat down with him to explain to him that we are the parents and we decide what he and DD can and can't do, have, say etc... So far it's working.....

[KBecks]

To be clear, I wasn't saying not to let your kids outside. :) But perhaps be sensitive if their concern is that bites linger for a long time. If Sarah gets bites, she reacts like me and has a hard time sleeping, needs Benadryl (for the swelling and to sleep), they last for ages and it's a lot bigger deal than just being a mark, KWIM? I think that just paying attention to things like trying to make sure bugs don't get inside may help.

OTOH, they shouldn't be making rules for your kids, and if they expect your kids not to go outside because their kids don't that is not at all reasonable.


I was agreeing, and just still venting. :) I don't want to make it difficult for their kids and I don't want to cause problems. But I will take my kids outside. It's the smallest of the concerns and not really a conflict, just we do things differently..... that's OK. (really!)

[ha98ed14]

I was agreeing, and just still venting. :) I don't want to make it difficult for their kids and I don't want to cause problems. But I will take my kids outside. It's the smallest of the concerns and not really a conflict, just we do things differently..... that's OK. (really!)

Maybe Bil & SIL are pissy about the going outside thing because if your kids go outside, then theirs will or want to and they just do not want to explain to their kids that different families have different rules. Its easier for them to tell your kids not to go outside. Which is totally out of bounds. If this situation, or this type of situation arises again, where they tell your kids what they can/ cannot do and it is not a safety issue, I would just say to BIL/SIL, "No, it is ok with me if Alek goes outside/ does whatever." Then say to Alek, "Go ahead outside, honey." And follow him out there. It means you may have to monitor closely DSs' interaction with BIL/SIL, but after a few direct rebuttals from you, they ought to get the message. If they are as self-centered as they seem to be and come back to you with, " But them my DCs will want to do it too." I would say, "Then you need to address that with your DCs." Its ballsy. I dunno if you think you can say it to their face, but if you are not a sweetie by nature, I think you could pull it off. I am not sweet either and I would say it...

[lisams]

I try to let things like this go as long as DD and DS are not having issues with it. I used to stress more about it, but I've become more relaxed. I figure in life they are going to have many adults who will all have different expectations of them - teachers, scout troop leader, other parents when on playdates, etc. If I'm there and another parent is telling my child to do something that I disagree with, I try to think if it's worth it. If it is, I'd say something like "I've got it - I'm keeping an eye on her." but usually I just let it go. Sometimes it's nice knowing others are keeping an eye on my kids, and I'd like to think they're doing it because they care, not because they're trying to one up me. I know that's not always the case, but I try to think that way to reduce my own stess and anxiety about it.

If there was a particular person who was constantly parenting my child or being a little too enthusiastic to correct him/her I'd probably stay close by and just say something like "I've got it, I'm keeping an eye on her, thanks!"

[kcandz]

With the seven year old I have no advice.

With the adults, your words stated here, said neutrally, would do it.

"If I think something is a problem with my children, I will handle it."

You have to set a boundary with the family, and you have to enforce in the moment. If your kids get yelled at for going outside, say to the adult yeller ' Please do not yell at (your kids' names)". Then tell your kids to go ahead and go out.

Either that or bite the bullet. Sometimes we have to adjust things we are more relaxed about for the sake of the group. If your kids are out and the other kids flip out about "not fair!" then there is a situation the other adults are now put in a position to parent. In these family gatherings with lots of kids often everyone is parenting everyone's kid.

I would never condone yelling at my kids though, by anyone. We don't yell and I won't have them yelled at unless there is an immediate danger issue and will say so politely, rudely, whatever gets the message across. That is me. I'm certainly not known as the sweetheart in the family.

[kijip]

Well there is no reasonably polite way to parent someone else's child either, so I figure you can be pretty direct. No need to be nasty but a firm "that's my job, thank you" or "my kids are allowed to go outside this time of day" or what not is fine with the adults.

With the kid, I'd ignore it unless it was causing a problem for your kids or just tell her, "that's so sweet of you to try to help but that is not a rule I have for my sons" or something that generally acknowledges she is a child of no ill intent, just being a little hands on with her cousins out of the novelty or excitement or 7 year old playing house games come alive.

The toy thing seems to still be an issue for you. Honestly, you need to either be a bigger person and show your sons that we share even when others do not or you need to accept that you don't feel comfortable with the lack of reciprocity and just enforce the same no sharing rule that they do. "I'm sorry, that is Alec's toy from home, he does not want to share it right now." They can hardly call you on it since they don't have their kid share. Who knows? Maybe you can use that as an opportunity to broaden their horizons like "we can all play just with our own stuff or we can all share everything and have twice the fun".

[stella]

It sounds like they are trying to parent "the group" instead of taking care of their while you take care of yours. We just shared a beach house with my parents and brother and SIL, so we experienced some of this and I sympathize.

In my case, I have three and they have one toddler. I am a lot more lenient and relaxed because otherwise I would spend the whole week saying "no, don't do that" so I backed off of mine (and their baby) unless someone was in some danger or really violating another child's civil rights.

My brother bossed mine around a little bit, and when I started to get irritated, I would just say "She's actually allowed to have those grapes" or whatever the situation So I think the going outside issue could be handled like PP have said "I'm going out to watch the fireflies, so I will be watching mine. We'll use OFF."

If the seven year old was really getting on my nerves, I would probably just keep overriding her until she took a hint. It's a pretty bossy age.

It's very hard when one group of cousins have different rules from their parents, so as much as possible, I would try to live by the "group" rules even if it's not what we do at home. You do want your children to respect your IL's as adults and authority figures, I'm sure...so to me it's kind of like compromising and backing up your spouse. Sometimes you bite your lip and back away.

Families are tough, but cousins are so much fun for kids that you probably (I am assuming) want to make this vacation thing work. When it's all too much, you can take a time-out to your room - with or without your kiddos!

[mamicka]

You've gotten a lot of good advice -I'll just say that I think that you should be honest but tactful, just matter-of-fact about your kids are allowed to do xyz, etc. Honestly, Karen, if anyone can say it tactfully, its you.

I think its fair for you to keep your rules even in a group setting, but I wouldn't rule out temporarily adopting certain rules if it makes it easier for everyone (including you). You know, picking your battles & all.

Hope you all at least had a good time!