Age difference/playdate explanation for DC?

[SASM]

We just recently made a long distance move. Our new neighborhood is VERY different from our last, which was very large and full of playgrounds and kids close in age to my DCs. Our new neighborhood is very confined, off of a main street and very small. The only kids close in age to my DCs are a couple houses away, which is close, but the parents seem VERY antisocial. Despite several attempts at trying to introduce ourselves, the parents do not seem to have any interest in getting to know us or our children. I do not care whether or not we are great friends, but I'd really like their kids to come over for a playdate. My kids, mainly super-social 5yo DS, are BEGGING anyone to come over for a playdate. This includes the 10-, 11-, and 12-year olds who are across the street. These kids seem to be from low-parental-observation/involvement homes. They are VERY bored and seem to get into A LOT of trouble. That being said, I do not consider 10-12 year olds as appropriate playfriends for my 3- and 5-year olds. However, my 5-year is obsessive with trying to get someone, anyone to come over for a playdate...as this is what he was accustomed to. :( I am desperately trying to explain to him that kids that size are not playfriends ~ only kids HIS SIZE. UGH!! So...how would you explain this to a 5yo and 3yo???

I sent notes to school with DS to give to his classmates (just started K) in the hopes that some of the parents will contact us for a potential playdate. Wish us luck! We also have a few extracurricular activities planned that will hopefully give them access to more kids their own age. Any other ideas?

TIA!!

[bubbaray]

Maybe I'm just antisocial, but I would fall over faint if someone who just moved into the neighborhood wanted my kids to come to their house for a playdate. That's just outside of my comfort zone.

There are some kids in our neighborhood who are the same ages as my girls, but we don't socialize with any of the parents and I would never in a million years have my girls go to their houses, nor have their kids to mine.

We really haven't ever done playdates, though. So, maybe I'm not a good judge.

[nov04]

I would fall over faint if someone who just moved into the neighborhood wanted my kids to come to their house for a playdate. That's just outside of my comfort zone.

There are some kids in our neighborhood who are the same ages as my girls, but we don't socialize with any of the parents and I would never in a million years have my girls go to their houses, nor have their kids to mine.

That's us too. We do playdates with moms I've met through indoor playgrounds and after lots of time in public places making sure they were the type of ppl I wanted to hang out with. I also do playdates with old friends who now have kids.

In all honesty, I think your last neighbourhood was exceptional and it may be hard to find that again.

[skygoddess]

I would suggest trying to find a parent co-op preschool program for your 3-year-old in your new community, if your schedule allows. IME, parents who pursue co-op programs are more open to forming an intentional community, with playdates, family social events, etc. The parents often have other children of various ages that could be potential playmates for your 5-year-old. Check with your local parks/rec department to see if they sponsor any co-op programs or if they could refer you.

My other idea is to join a local swim club if they're available in your area. Our pool has lots and lots of young families that are friendly and open to socializing.

I think you're correct in being cautious about having much older children be playmates -- sorry I can't come up with a better way for you to explain that to your children than you're already doing.

Good luck!

[pinkmomagain]

I second the co-op suggestion. Our co-op preschool is filled with very involved, friendly parents and encourages social behavior amongst the parents in addition to the kids.

[egoldber]

Have you had Back to School night at your DS's school yet? That would be a great time to introduce yourself to the parents of the kids he wants to have playdates with. I don't let Sarah have playdates with kids I have not met their parents yet.

[R2sweetboys]

Maybe I'm just antisocial, but I would fall over faint if someone who just moved into the neighborhood wanted my kids to come to their house for a playdate. That's just outside of my comfort zone.

There are some kids in our neighborhood who are the same ages as my girls, but we don't socialize with any of the parents and I would never in a million years have my girls go to their houses, nor have their kids to mine.

We really haven't ever done playdates, though. So, maybe I'm not a good judge.

You would fall over and faint over this? Really? Wow. :confused: I can understand not just sending your kids to a stranger's house to play but this just seems so dramatic to me. I'm guessing the OP would welcome the parent/s to come as well as the kids so they could all get to know each other. Obviously this particular family isn't interested but I certainly don't think that's the standard. I'd be thrilled to get to know someone new to the neighborhood who had kids similar in age to mine. If we found we didn't have much in common then we'd deal with it, but you never know unless you give it a shot, KWIM?

To the OP, :hug:. I grew up in the kind of neighborhood you used to live in and I loved it. There was always someone to play with and something to do. In fact, my parents and my sister/family are still in that n/h(different houses!) and we love spending time there as there are always kids out for the boys to play with. While I love our neighborhood now, the houses and lots are more spread out so it just doesn't have that same feel. It's too bad your neighbors aren't willing to get to know you-their loss, right?!

Maybe you could find out who your son likes to play with at school and invite them for a playdate at a public park or something. There's less pressure than hosting at your house and the other child's parent may be more willing to get together. Good luck, I'm sure it's hard to start over. Take care,

[bubbaray]

You would fall over and faint over this? Really? Wow. :confused: I can understand not just sending your kids to a stranger's house to play but this just seems so dramatic to me.


Um, yeah, and obviously I'm not the only one.

So, a new neighbor would show up at my door and ask if our children could go to her house to play? I would flat out say no -- it would make me very uncomfortable if someone confronted me like that, especially if my children were within earshot (b/c they would want to go and then I would have to explain that I don't know this person at all and I'm not letting them play in a strange house blah blah blah). I can't imagine anyone in our neighborhood doing this, though. Its just not "done".

Maybe my whole neighborhood is antisocial and "dramatic". Or, maybe different neighborhoods are different and there are differing societal norms in different geographic locations.

I don't see what is so confusing or dramatic about my post. You may not agree with it, but I don't think you have to criticize me, which is how I took your post.

[lizajane]

i think 11 and 12 are "too" old. but my next door neighbor (child) is 9. she and schuyler play together ALL-THE-TIME. every weekend they run back and forth from one house to the other or ride scooters in the cul-de-sac (with supervision!) or play in our playroom or dig in mud in the back yard. we met the mom and the DD the day they moved in, as in, standing outside with the moving truck. and i think we invited the mom and DD for pizza a few days later. we were instantly friends and the kids have played together pretty much since day 1.

so while i do think it is unusal for a 3 and 5 year old to have older friends, my 3 and 5 year old are very close to this 9 year old and we are thrilled.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Would it be out of the question to invite the family over to dinner or to cookout in the yard so you can get to know them? While I wouldn't let my DC (2 yo and 10 mos) over to a neighbor's house if we didn't know them very wel, I'd gladly share a meal with the family and get to know them all. Then, you can all decide where to go from that point.

What about a little party with some of the other kids from school? A back to school party where the parents can come and get to know one another. Those things would probably have some spinoff playdates, after your initial investment of energy. You could invite *yikes* the whole class and that would show you a little bit about who would be open to forming friendships.

[SASM]

Maybe I'm just antisocial, but I would fall over faint if someone who just moved into the neighborhood wanted my kids to come to their house for a playdate. That's just outside of my comfort zone.

There are some kids in our neighborhood who are the same ages as my girls, but we don't socialize with any of the parents and I would never in a million years have my girls go to their houses, nor have their kids to mine.

We really haven't ever done playdates, though. So, maybe I'm not a good judge.

Really??? I've met the parents at the bus stop and have tried to talk with them several times. They do not meet their kids when they are dropped off so quite often I am walking their kids to their home. Their kids seem very well-adjusted and excited about the idea about getting together.

I completely understand not wanting to send your kids to a strangers house, as I would NEVER DREAM of doing that to my kids but I just figured that they'd (the whole family) be interested in coming over, playing on our new playground set, giving their kids something new to do and some kids their own age to socialize with, and meeting us. I like to think that we are normal. :)

[SASM]

That's us too. We do playdates with moms I've met through indoor playgrounds and after lots of time in public places making sure they were the type of ppl I wanted to hang out with. I also do playdates with old friends who now have kids.

In all honesty, I think your last neighbourhood was exceptional and it may be hard to find that again.


Ohh...our last neighborhood was a dream! :( I miss it more than I can verbalize ~ for both me and my kids. I KNOW that we'll never find it again unless we move back to our last region. SAD. :(

That aside, are you just leaving your kids with your friends and new playground aquaintances or are your with them, socializing with the parents? Just curious... I am more interested in having the parents here with the kids. Mom needs to socialize as well (at least for the Kindergarten, extracurricular activity, and preschool friends who do not live close by), however, as for the antisocial neighbors, they have 4 kids ~ I would think that they would like the opportunity for their kids to socialize outside of the house, especially between homework and dinner time. :)

[SASM]

I would suggest trying to find a parent co-op preschool program for your 3-year-old in your new community, if your schedule allows. IME, parents who pursue co-op programs are more open to forming an intentional community, with playdates, family social events, etc. The parents often have other children of various ages that could be potential playmates for your 5-year-old. Check with your local parks/rec department to see if they sponsor any co-op programs or if they could refer you.

Unfortunately, ther is nothing like that around here ~ checked it out while researching preschools. DD is going to be in a 5-day program though so I am hoping that shell connect with some kids this way and spread her wings. :) As far as I can tell, from orientation today, this program is nothing like my DCs' last preschool ~ no parent contact lists, no get-to-know-the-parents coffee thing ~ it is everyone for themselves. I just hope that I do not appear to desperate!! Mama needs some socialization!!! I miss my playground chats with my friends, socializing at the indoor mall playground, and getting together with the preschool moms. Believe it or not, I AM SHY!! :(


My other idea is to join a local swim club if they're available in your area. Our pool has lots and lots of young families that are friendly and open to socializing.

Good idea! :)

[SASM]

Have you had Back to School night at your DS's school yet? That would be a great time to introduce yourself to the parents of the kids he wants to have playdates with. I don't let Sarah have playdates with kids I have not met their parents yet.

Not yet ~ good idea! I hope that they HAVE something like that around here.

I wouldn't let DS have a playdate at someone's house either unless I really knew the family. I am more interesting in hosting the child AND parent.

[SASM]

You would fall over and faint over this? Really? Wow. :confused: I can understand not just sending your kids to a stranger's house to play but this just seems so dramatic to me. I'm guessing the OP would welcome the parent/s to come as well as the kids so they could all get to know each other. Obviously this particular family isn't interested but I certainly don't think that's the standard. I'd be thrilled to get to know someone new to the neighborhood who had kids similar in age to mine. If we found we didn't have much in common then we'd deal with it, but you never know unless you give it a shot, KWIM?

THANK YOU!!! :)


To the OP, :hug:. I grew up in the kind of neighborhood you used to live in and I loved it. There was always someone to play with and something to do. In fact, my parents and my sister/family are still in that n/h(different houses!) and we love spending time there as there are always kids out for the boys to play with. While I love our neighborhood now, the houses and lots are more spread out so it just doesn't have that same feel. It's too bad your neighbors aren't willing to get to know you-their loss, right?!

Thaunk you again for the HUG!! :) NEED IT!!! We REALLY miss our old neighborhood. :(


Maybe you could find out who your son likes to play with at school and invite them for a playdate at a public park or something. There's less pressure than hosting at your house and the other child's parent may be more willing to get together. Good luck, I'm sure it's hard to start over. Take care,

I actually sent in a few notes to school for DS to give to his favorite friends, but the teacher refused to put them in the backpacks unless he gave one to everyone in the class. At first, I was NOT happy, but then I figured beggars cannot be choosers, right? Invite whoever is actually interested in coming over and if the kids do not mesh outside of school, at least we gave it a try. At this point, DS is sooo willing to have ANYONE over. :( And I would just like to meet someone other than the checkout ladies at Target.

I would actually LOVE a get together at my house. Other than the occasional yet-to-be-unpacked box here and there, the house is ready and we have a large fenced backyard and a playset in the back that is better than anything that I've seen in a public park around here. Just me... I think that it is more comfortable here for the otehr parent, too ~ comfortable chairs, fenced in yard, coffee/tea... Plus...just me...if it is at my house I can control the nonsmoking rule. It FLOORS me how many people smoke around here. I have just not noticed it before...maybe b/c I've lived in "no smoking in public places" states.

Do I sound pathetic or what???

[SASM]

Um, yeah, and obviously I'm not the only one.

So, a new neighbor would show up at my door and ask if our children could go to her house to play? I would flat out say no -- it would make me very uncomfortable if someone confronted me like that, especially if my children were within earshot (b/c they would want to go and then I would have to explain that I don't know this person at all and I'm not letting them play in a strange house blah blah blah). I can't imagine anyone in our neighborhood doing this, though. Its just not "done".

Maybe my whole neighborhood is antisocial and "dramatic". Or, maybe different neighborhoods are different and there are differing societal norms in different geographic locations.

I don't see what is so confusing or dramatic about my post. You may not agree with it, but I don't think you have to criticize me, which is how I took your post.

Hi...OP here...

Would YOU come over if your children were invited for a playdate? I am not asking for just the children to come over...THAT would be CRAZY!! Or would you flat out say "no"? Just curious... It took 2 years of living in my awesome previous community, before I'd send my children to a house alone.

[SASM]

i think 11 and 12 are "too" old. but my next door neighbor (child) is 9. she and schuyler play together ALL-THE-TIME. every weekend they run back and forth from one house to the other or ride scooters in the cul-de-sac (with supervision!) or play in our playroom or dig in mud in the back yard. we met the mom and the DD the day they moved in, as in, standing outside with the moving truck. and i think we invited the mom and DD for pizza a few days later. we were instantly friends and the kids have played together pretty much since day 1.

so while i do think it is unusal for a 3 and 5 year old to have older friends, my 3 and 5 year old are very close to this 9 year old and we are thrilled.

We had a family like that back in our old neighborhood. My kids would play with the 7, 8, and 12yo girls perfectly! Not the same here...

"9" varies across the board ~ especially between girls, boys, and upbringing. I really do not trust the older kids across the street. I feel more "I have to save those poor kids" but I still do not want them hanging out with and 3- and 5-yos. :(

[SASM]

Would it be out of the question to invite the family over to dinner or to cookout in the yard so you can get to know them? While I wouldn't let my DC (2 yo and 10 mos) over to a neighbor's house if we didn't know them very wel, I'd gladly share a meal with the family and get to know them all. Then, you can all decide where to go from that point.

EXCELLENT idea!! We are going to try talking to the parents again tomorrow on the way home from school. Great idea! Thank you!


What about a little party with some of the other kids from school? A back to school party where the parents can come and get to know one another. Those things would probably have some spinoff playdates, after your initial investment of energy. You could invite *yikes* the whole class and that would show you a little bit about who would be open to forming friendships.


Actually, I LOVE this idea!! The idea of inviting the entire class does not bother me as we definitely have the space in the backyard (not in the house, though ~ yikes!) and it would be a great way for the parents to meet as well. Then, we can host a separate party for DD's preschool class. THANK YOU!!!

[egoldber]

The idea of inviting the entire class does not bother me as we definitely have the space in the backyard (not in the house, though ~ yikes!) and it would be a great way for the parents to meet as well. Then, we can host a separate party for DD's preschool class. THANK YOU!!!

I think hosting some class-wide "playdates" at a local playground would be a great idea. You'd meet some parents and that would probably give you a better idea of who wants to be social IYKWIM.

[SASM]

Getting back to the original question...Any ideas on how to explain how ages 10-12 are not appropriate play friends to my 5yo??

TIA!!

[bubbaray]

Would YOU come over if your children were invited for a playdate? I am not asking for just the children to come over...THAT would be CRAZY!! Or would you flat out say "no"?


Well, logistically, probably not. Both DH and I WOTH FT and it seems that most SAHMs want to do daytime weekday playdates -- during the hours our children are at daycare. The girls would be far too hyped up to go to bed if they had a weekday playdate after daycare. Weekends, they are insanely busy with activities.

If it was someone totally new to the area, I might counter with "well, we are usually at the park at ____ time, we'd love to play there". That just feels more comfortable for me, at least for the first while.

[egoldber]

I would just tell him that older kids want to do things and play games that are for older kids. I don't know that I would go into it more than that.

[bubbaray]

I would just tell him that older kids want to do things and play games that are for older kids. I don't know that I would go into it more than that.


:yeahthat:

[sadie427]

The girls would be far too hyped up to go to bed if they had a weekday playdate after daycare. Weekends, they are insanely busy with activities.


Lots of interesting differences of opinion on this thread. I am the type that would be happy to have a new neighbor ask DS for a playdate--I would always assume I was invited at first though. If I showed up, and had just chatted with the mom on the sidewalk, and it became clear I wasn't invited to stay, I'd be a bit uncomfortable.

We have neighbors where a relationship developed this way--but I don't schedule playdates very frequently. Partly because of what I quoted above--how do you schedule a playdate between daycare or kindergarten and dinnertime? And a lot of people are very scheduled on the weekends. We don't have a lot of scheduled kid's activities on the weekends, but we have a few, and we like to have family time. It limits your activities if you have to either be at the playdate or back in time for pickup.