Experience with a BABY/TODDLER who hits? :(

[MarisaSF]

I'm looking for BTDT experience, advice, and hopefully reassurance that he WILL grow out of it.

No adult has ever hit my DS (now 15 months). His older sister (4yo now) never hit him either... well, until he "taught" her how. :45: He's been hitting for a few months now and seemed to pick it up all on his own. My boy's soooo gifted. ;)

Now, I'm sure it has something to do with some frustration with not being able to say as much as he wants. He has some signs and maybe he needs more. Speaking of more, he was grunting for something the other day. When I signed "more?", he hit me. Oh, and now he says "BOP!" when he hits. So. Not. Cute.

Our pediatrician suggested I hold his hand and say "No!" firmly when he hits. When I try that, he laughs at me. I also regularly guide his hand and say "Gentle, gentle touch." Sometimes we encourage him to hit a pillow or something else. There are times we just move away from him as sort of a "time out." DD no longer hits him back.

If you had a BABY who hit, what did you do? When did they outgrow it? Any ideas for ways to react or better teach him? I fear he's headed toward juvie. Thanks in advance.

[ThreeofUs]

DS tried that, too, at about 18 months. After doing everything gentle we could think of, including using all the danger words we knew, we finally resorted to time outs/extinction behavior of the Burton White "1st 3 Years" type.

We firmly told him "no hit!" and turned our backs on him. We would not respond to him for a short time.

Did this work? I really don't know! Maybe he just outgrew it. GL!

[ged]

My DD also hit/scratched others around that age. I probably did what the PP did (say "no hitting" and not respond to her), but I honestly can't really remember. I know it was embarassing for me, but she did eventually grow out of it. A fellow mom in one of our classes assured me that kids do grow of it (her daughter did the same thing...maybe it just has to do with their personality)?

[mamicka]

DS3 is 14 months & I guess is a hitter to some degree. Maybe all three of mine were hitters, but I just didn't know any different. In any event, the older 2 were not doing it anymore by about 18 months.

Honestly, I just chalk it up to baby behavior. But I don't see DS's hitting as relating to frustration or any negative feeling. Sometimes he's frustrated, but more often than not, he just has a strong feeling (excitement, eagerness, surprise, lightbulb, etc) & doesn't know his own strength. I don't don any sort of negative reinforcement. I just try to be as close to him as I can when he's playing with other kids & repeat the "gentle fingers", "gentle hands", etc. His brothers have learned to see it coming & also do the "gentle" reminders.

I just see it as baby behavior that you redirect. I wouldn't make a big deal of it, he's too little, IMO.

[Sillygirl]

Alex has a wicked arm and has beaned Jonathan in the head a few times with a block or toy truck. It's actually dangerous, so we've taken to putting him in his playpen for a minute and leaving the room. So far, the beahvior seems to be declining. It does happen more when he's tired and then we know it's time for bed.

[SnuggleBuggles]

It's impulse control pluis frustration about not being able to successfully communicate- it is not a sign that you have done something wrong as a parent or that there is something wrong with dc.

My ds was a hitter- and a biter. He didn't do it a ton but enough that it could be an issue at preschool. It went on far longer than I wanted. But, the thing is that he knew he shouldn't do it but he just couldn't talk himself out of it in that split second. He just acted on total instinct. He did outgrow it. It just took him time and maturity.


My SIL suggested to make sure you don't give a big, dramatic reaction when it happens, even if it hurts. Sometimes you can get your point across by removing dc from your lap or by you and walking to the next room. Don't let them see you get worked up about it.

It really will pass.

Beth

[pb&j]

DS went through a mild hitting phase for a few months. Mostly, I'd just take his hand and say "Gentle, gentle." He got his only two time outs for hitting. Basically, he hit me, after being redirected as above, so I looked him in the eye and said gently and firmly "You must be gentle. You hit mommy, and that wasn't gentle. You need to be by yourself." Then I walked out of the room for, oh, about 30 sec. He was very upset, and I felt TERRIBLE. But the hitting pretty much stopped after that. I don't know if it was the time outs as much as it was just him growing out of it.

I know that it was definitely related to his inability to communicate. Most of those really early behavior problems were. I always said that he had a very complex emotional life, but did not have the vocabulary to deal with it. As his ability to communicate improved, that kind of behavior tapered off. Of course, now we're in terrible two's territory, so the behavior problems are of a whole different nature!

[carolinamama]

Sounds like ds was like alot of these other kids. He hit and bit when he was that age. It was embarrasing and difficult to be in group settings. I turned into a major hovering parent. But it did end by the time he was about 22 months. We did lots of work on "nice touch" and encouraging them. We also would very calmly tell him "no bite" or "no hit" and then walk away without giving any more reaction/attention. When it kept going, we resorted to time outs. I set up the pack n play and each time he bit or hit, ds would spend a minute by himself in it following a very brief, calm explanation about why. From all the research I did, it is a developmentally appropriate behavior at this stage, but certainly not acceptable.

DS either grew out of it on his own when he learned a few more words or from our interventions. I'm not sure which, but I suspect a combo of both. We rarely have trouble with aggressive behavior now.

[jillc]

Hi Marisa,

We're in the same boat here. My DS is a couple months older & the hitting started around 15 months, iirc. He also used to say "bop" right before he'd hit! I'm surprised at this similarity! At least it's a good warning to look out. ;)

My 4 yr old DD also has never been a hitter, but she did communicate more verbally, so I do think the frustration aspect has something to do with the hitting.

I've been doing a short time-out with him when he hits. Trying to keep it really simple & just saying "no hitting" and then taking him to the time-out chair. After about a 30 sec, I remind him to "be gentle with hands" and take his hand and stroke my arm with it to show him "gentle". I ask him to say "sorry" and give a hug.

Some days are better than others. Hoping we outgrow it soon. A friend just loaned me the children's book "Hands Are Not for Hitting". I think DS is too young for it, but I'm going to read it w/him anyway. It is a toddler board book & shows what hands are for - they are for playing, eating, brushing teeth, etc.

This too shall pass, right? :)
Jill

[MommyAllison]

FWIW, my DD was extremely verbal, and still hit at that age. Mostly it was when she was really excited about something, so we taught her that when you are excited you clap your hands. That way she still could do something physically. Like some of the other PPs, I'm not sure if it worked, or she just grew out of it. GL!

[annasmom]

I can definitely tell you that it is a phase - at least for some! I don't recall my dd going through a hitting phase, but my 2 ds definitely did (are).

At around the same time as your ds it started. My ds#1 grew completely out of it. In fact, I was just having a conversation with my dh about his hitting phase, and it struck me as SO out of his character. He is such a laid back and good natured kid, I cannot picture him as a hitter at all. But he was!!

My ds#2 was, and still is to a lesser degree. When it started it was fun for him. It was how he played with other kids, he thought it was really funny. He never ever hit out of frustration or anger. Now, the hitting has died down, but he has begun to hit out of anger and frustration. We are working on it, and hopefully as he gains some more language it will lessen as well.

My only advice is consistency. Stop and address every.single.hit. It is SO tiresome. And it really sucks to be the bad guy all the time. But I will tell you, it works. I also started time outs VERY young. They consisted of me putting him on a step and sitting with him for about 15-20 seconds - but he got the picture.


GL!!

[MarisaSF]

Thank you, all, for sharing your experiences!

I had a major brainstorm today! I realized that DH and I were being consistent about reminding DS about gentle touches, but DD also needed to be on board.

So I had a talk with DD. I explained that when she reacts to him hitting her with a scream or by running away, DS thinks it's a game. I showed her how she can help to teach him "gentle touch" and she thought it was great! She used her new tool at least twice this afternoon. Hopefully we are on the right track. :)

[MarisaSF]

Thank you, all, for sharing your experiences!

I had a major brainstorm today! I realized that DH and I were being consistent about reminding DS about gentle touches, but DD also needed to be on board.

So I had a talk with DD. I explained that when she reacts to him hitting her with a scream or by running away, DS thinks it's a game. I showed her how she can help to teach him "gentle touch" and she thought it was great! She used her new tool at least twice this afternoon. Hopefully we are on the right track. :)

[Wife_and_mommy]

Thank you, all, for sharing your experiences!

I had a major brainstorm today! I realized that DH and I were being consistent about reminding DS about gentle touches, but DD also needed to be on board.

So I had a talk with DD. I explained that when she reacts to him hitting her with a scream or by running away, DS thinks it's a game. I showed her how she can help to teach him "gentle touch" and she thought it was great! She used her new tool at least twice this afternoon. Hopefully we are on the right track. :)

That's great. I love when I explain something new to DD and I see her taking it to heart. :)