Explaining a cemetery to a 5yr old

[vwh99]

Twice a year, my siblings, mom and I try to make it out to the cemetery to 'visit' my dad and grandmother. My daughter has gone out with us in the past but hadn't had much to say or recall about it. Now that she's almost 5 and now asking 'Mommy, who/where is your daddy?', I'm wondering how I should explain these visits to the cemetery. I don't want her to think my dad 'lives' there and I'm thinking that the thought of burying someone underground may be scary for her? Any advice on what to say? TIA!

Valerie
dd 10/03
ds 8/06
ds 6/08

[annasmom]

This is tough, and I think in this instance you are probably the best judge.

My dc have always amazed me. When I think something will be too scary for them, they just accept it as part of life. We have gone to the cemetary to visit my niece's grave site before, and often talk about my dh's deceased father (although there is no grave site).

I try to be very basic, because the questions they come up with would require a theologian, not me!! In regard to the cemetary, I usually say that my niece's body was there, but now she is with God, and a cemetary is a place where we can go to remember and celebrate a person.

I guess this is my long-winded way of saying, I think you need to gauge your dc's interest and curiosity in how in-depth you really need to go. It also depends on your religious beliefs. I consider myself lucky, in that I can use God to explain away some of the scary stuff. I have talked to some friends however who are not religious at all, and they are a bit more concerned about having these types of conversations.

[egoldber]

You could go a couple routes. You could say, as the PP said, that a cemetery is a place to remember loved ones that have died. I would personally not feel comfortable not telling the whole truth. But I wouldn't give a dissertation either. ;)

Simply saying that a cemetery is where many people choose to bury their loved ones when they die would probably be sufficient. If not, I would answer the questions as asked. Like the PP said, children are a lot more resilient and accepting than we sometimes give them credit for. My DD has had a lot of explanations about death and death rituals just because of our life circumstances and she is not obsessed with death or dying in any way.

[kep]

We live right down the street from a huge cemetery that we drive past every day, plus in our area they shut down the streets and provide police escorts for funeral processions. We also live near Arlington Natl Cemetery, and have taken the kids there many times, so take what I say with a grain of salt. ;)

I think how you respond should be based at least partly in your belief system. We are Catholic, so we have explained that after you die, your soul goes to heaven and you no longer need your body. So, most times the body is put into a big box, and a big hole is dug in the ground, where the body goes. That way the family and friends of that person can come visit the person's body whenever they want. Sometimes that makes people feel better. We try to emphasize that what makes the person "them" is no longer in the body, and the person doesn't need the body anymore.

Since my five year old seem to be very interested in death lately, I have also looked for other ways to talk about it with him. The most recent was the funeral for the DEA agent who was murdered in New Orleans during the hurricane. The funeral was at our church, and the (half hour long) procession came right down the main street. While I didn't take the kids to the funeral itself, (since we didn't directly know that family), Luke and I stood outside in the rain for the procession, with our hands over our hearts. We talked a lot about the person that died, and how his family is probably feeling. I mainly just try to install respect in him and also to answer any questions that he might have.

Hope that helps a little!