3 yo DS hard time adjusting to preschool

[hillview]

Some of you may remember my posting about DS adjusting to preschool camp. He went for 5 weeks and pretty much cried most mornings. He did adjust somewhat but everytime we had a break (went on a week vacation) we were back to a lot of crying. We had a 2 week break between preschool camp and preschool and his first 3 days at preschool seemed fine. No crying. The following week he started crying and the teacher just told me she tried to call me over the weekend. He was crying a LOT over the last 2 days (ths and fri). She was suggesting that they have tried everything but that they cannot keep spending so much 1:1 time with him (which I totally understand). At home we have tried to talk positively about preshool. We've had my dad and DH drop him off.

How do you know when it is just not a good time to do this? Anyone btdt?

DS is 3 and has been at home with my parents the last 1.5 years. He is really ready for preschool activities.

Are there other suggestions? Should we suggest a shorter day? Maybe pick him up after a couple of hours for a while?

Any thoughts (and hugs) appreciated. I couldn't keep talking to the teacher as I started to cry.

TIA!
/hillary

[trales]

This may be out of left field but. . . can your parents drop him off and stay for part of the morning. Not in the classroom but in the lobby, letting DS know they are there if he has a real problem. Do it a couple of times until he feels secure. A friend did this with her son and it took about a week before he was ready to go alone.

I am sorry you are going through this. Good luck.

[bnme]

How long is his class? Will they let you/parents stay a bit? Is it the same school as his camp? Do you have any idea why he is upset and what they are doing to try and console him?

Hugs, hope he has a better day today.

[juliasmom05]

Our daycare has a mandatory transition period. I think the first day is from 10-12 with parents in the room. The second day is 10-2 with parents in the lobby, etc. Could you do something like that to ease the transition? It might make him more comfortable if you or your parents are in the room for part of the time.

[LBW]

I think part of it is that he's just at that age. My oldest son was in full-time daycare from 4 months until about 3 1/2. He hit a point at about 2 1/2 where he would cry every morning - just as if he was going for the first time. It lasted for about 6 months. It was heart wrenching, but I knew once he got over it, he was happy for the rest of the day.

Have the teachers explained how they will handle/help him now? I understand that they cannot devote an extreme amount of time to him, but surely they aren't planning on just ignoring him. Do they have any other suggestions for you? I can't remember what you've tried. What I would do is to try to set up playdates with one or two of the other children so that he feels like he has a buddy. I'd also continue to talk up the school and emphasize how fun it is. (Is he happy when he gets picked up?) Ask if he can bring in family pictures, or a favorite toy/blanket/book. One other thing to try is to ask the school if you can bring in a special treat for the whole class. Maybe if your son gets excited about bringing in a special snack, he'd have something to look forward to?

I honestly wouldn't try to spend more time with him IN school in the morning. He'll still have the separation issues when you or the family member leaves, and he'll come to expect the family member. Plus, it's disruptive to the rest of the class.

[AngelaS]

He's three and it sounds like he's been thru several changes lately--changing classes, changing who's dropping him off and whatnot. Perhaps he needs some time of the same routine for a while, be it at home w/grandma or the same person taking him and dropping him off every day. I would definitely do shorter days or take him out all together.

Preschool activities to me is play. Unless he's playing poker with Grandpa every day, isn't he doing preschool activites at their house?

[hillview]

can your parents drop him off and stay for part of the morning. Not in the classroom but in the lobby, letting DS know they are there if he has a real problem. Do it a couple of times until he feels secure. A friend did this with her son and it took about a week before he was ready to go alone.


Thanks -- will ask if this is an option they support.
/hillary

[ThreeofUs]

You know, my DS couldn't adjust at almost-3 and I finally just took him out. He was only in preschool for socialization, and I felt like he just wasn't ready. I also felt his classroom was out of control, but that's another story.

He'll be almost 4 when we start him up again and I'm crossing my fingers. He's changed so much in the last year, becoming so much more independent, that I think he will be all right.

Maybe your DS just needs another year at home or with g'parents?

[hillview]

How long is his class? Will they let you/parents stay a bit? Is it the same school as his camp? Do you have any idea why he is upset and what they are doing to try and console him?

Hugs, hope he has a better day today.
Class is 8-3 -- I am asking them if they think a shorter day would help. They do not encourage (allow?) parents to stay in the class. It is the same school building as his cam (the whole reason we did camp was to get him used to this ... which seems not to have worked). I think he is upset because he would rather be at home (this is what he says when I ask him). At home I work and am on calls all day and he plays with grandpa. They say they have tried to read to him, take him outside, lay down, look at fish, go for a walk, sit in circle time with him next to the teacher, etc. Sounds like they really have tried a lot.

Thanks! Let me know if you have other ideas.

[hillview]

Our daycare has a mandatory transition period. I think the first day is from 10-12 with parents in the room. The second day is 10-2 with parents in the lobby, etc. Could you do something like that to ease the transition? It might make him more comfortable if you or your parents are in the room for part of the time.
He did have a transition period, day 1 was 2 hrs; day 2 was 3 hrs; day 4 was 4 hrs; then a weekend and then he was full time. He didn't cry during the transition week. I am asking for a longer transition time if they think that would work (shorter days for a while).
Thanks and let me know if you have other ideas!
/hillary

[hillview]

I think part of it is that he's just at that age.

Have the teachers explained how they will handle/help him now? I understand that they cannot devote an extreme amount of time to him, but surely they aren't planning on just ignoring him. Do they have any other suggestions for you? I can't remember what you've tried. What I would do is to try to set up playdates with one or two of the other children so that he feels like he has a buddy. I'd also continue to talk up the school and emphasize how fun it is. (Is he happy when he gets picked up?) Ask if he can bring in family pictures, or a favorite toy/blanket/book. One other thing to try is to ask the school if you can bring in a special treat for the whole class. Maybe if your son gets excited about bringing in a special snack, he'd have something to look forward to?

I honestly wouldn't try to spend more time with him IN school in the morning. He'll still have the separation issues when you or the family member leaves, and he'll come to expect the family member. Plus, it's disruptive to the rest of the class.

Thanks!! Yes I think he is at that age. Sigh. We did a playdate this weekend which was nice. We do talk up school. He has photos and doesn't want any comfort animals with him. They don't allow treats. I agree with the IN school thing. I just wish it was easier for him. Thanks for all the great ideas! Good to know we are on the right track (sort of).
/hillary

[hillview]

He's three and it sounds like he's been thru several changes lately--changing classes, changing who's dropping him off and whatnot. Perhaps he needs some time of the same routine for a while, be it at home w/grandma or the same person taking him and dropping him off every day. I would definitely do shorter days or take him out all together.

Preschool activities to me is play. Unless he's playing poker with Grandpa every day, isn't he doing preschool activites at their house?

Thanks -- that is what it looks like to me too. Try shorter days and if all else fails take him out. Thanks!
/hillary

[hillview]

You know, my DS couldn't adjust at almost-3 and I finally just took him out. He was only in preschool for socialization, and I felt like he just wasn't ready. I also felt his classroom was out of control, but that's another story.

He'll be almost 4 when we start him up again and I'm crossing my fingers. He's changed so much in the last year, becoming so much more independent, that I think he will be all right.

Maybe your DS just needs another year at home or with g'parents?

It is looking like we may have to. I feel so disappointed as I think there are parts of this he would love. It is a montessori school and it is really calm which is really great for him. But it doesn't seem to be working. Sigh.
/hillary

[kristenk]

I wonder about finding a buddy for him. This summer, I was a little worried about sending DD to camp b/c she was not enthusiastic about it AT ALL. She would much rather stay home with me and play with our next door neighbors. The first day I dropped her off, I explained that a friend from her class at school would be at camp, but she wouldn't know the teacher. I asked DD if she would "help" the little girl so the little girl would feel better. DD did remarkably well and much better than anticipated at drop off time. She'd hold hands with the little girl and they'd stand in line together. It was a far, far, FAR cry from the prior year's camp where I'd have to physically transfer my daughter to the teacher (who she adores) so I could leave.

I think that having a buddy helped DD feel better and she likes being responsible for things. I don't know if you could do anything like that, but maybe that sparks an idea for you. Good luck! I know it's iincredibly difficult.

[HIU8]

DS, who has been in the same preschool for 3 years (first as full-time daycare) then as part-time preschool, still has issues when I leave him in the mornings. FWIW, the first year he cried daily for up to 2 hours for 9 months. The second year he cried/clung to me when I dropped him off for 6 months. The crying would sometimes only last 30 seconds as I walked out of the room. This year, he still clings, but as soon as a teacher comes and turns him to the activities/takes his hand etc... he is fine. However, I cannot linger in the classroom. I have to say goodbye and get out or DS doesn't do well. His teachers are very good about it when I say that DS will have to be taken from me so I can leave the room Also, last year they let DS bring a toy with him to school and he usually held it for about 20 minutes and then put it in his cubby. Also, the first year he carried a picture of his family around with him and it did help him calm down.

It is very hard for DS and for me, but I know he has to get through this and it looks like he will (admittedly, DS is a bit of a mammas boy and takes a looooong time to warm up to others when we go places).

[MamaKath]

(((((Hugs)))))

I have been there!!!! DS was miserable when he started nursery school! He cried every day. He struggles with transitions, and everything was hard. I work in his school and would drop him off and run to my class. The whole time I would hear parents saying things like "Whose kid is screaming like that, I can't believe they would leave him!"

We found that creating a predicatable routine really helped. He did not like being the last one in the room, if he came in a minute early he had a chance to check it out before the other kids came. Also things like "heavy work" (carrying books for the teacher, pushing a full laundry basket) or very sensory hands on activities helped (play dough, moon sand or box lid full of split peas with cars, cups, things to play with) Gentle and predictable routines and transitions throughout the day also helped.

He was eventually assessed for EI in part due to the rough transitions. His therapist (OT) made a picture schedule helped him know what was going to happen next (mom, school, daycare, home); what he was working for (stickers, treat, story); and words he could use to help express himself. That helped, especially working for something tangible, even if it is a sticker. Consistency has been HUGE! For awhile even things like meals- dinners looked like this...M=Pizza; Tu=Chicken; W=Pasta; Th=Hot dogs; F=Mac and cheese!

Hang in there mama, it gets better!!!

[MamaKath]

Transition help... http://specialchildren.about.com/od/behaviorissues/ht/transition.htm

Behavior Charts... good incentive for things like stickers and working toward a bigger goal (small reward each day, bigger goal after a few days especially in the beginning) http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com/behaviorcharts3-10.htm

ETA- This bag of tricks has some good ideas... http://specialchildren.about.com/od/behaviorissues/a/bagoftricks.htm

[KpbS]

I'd agree with a PP who suggested a shorter day for awhile and then reevaluate things. How about 8-11:30 or noon and then a familiar lunch w/ the grandparents. 8-3 is a really long school day for a 3 year old who has been at home imo. Once he was used to the 1/2 day he might feel like he was ready to "chose" a longer day. If not, I wouldn't stress. He's got years a school ahead of him :)

[niccig]

I'd agree with a PP who suggested a shorter day for awhile and then reevaluate things. How about 8-11:30 or noon and then a familiar lunch w/ the grandparents. 8-3 is a really long school day for a 3 year old who has been at home imo. Once he was used to the 1/2 day he might feel like he was ready to "chose" a longer day. If not, I wouldn't stress. He's got years a school ahead of him :)

You might find the shorter day helps. DS started preschool last year from 9-11.45. Towards the end of the school year he started to ask to stay longer, he really wanted to eat lunch and sleep at school with everyone else - about 3/4 of the class stayed later. We transitioned him to staying at school over the summer and now he's there until 4pm. He's fine with the longer day, but is adjusting to his new teachers. He likes them, but says he likes his old teachers better. It'll take a little time for him to adjust.

[nfowife]

sorry double post!

[nfowife]

I would also suggest doing shorter days for a bit longer. I'm wondering why they aren't suggesting that myself, to be honest. And when DD started MDO at about 18 months and I asked about transitioning (thankfully at that age, DD didn't have too difficult of a time) they told me they gave it something like a month before they would even think about possibly suggesting that maybe the child wasn't ready (trying other things in the meantime, but certainly not saying the kid couldn't be there). He's only been there one full week so far! Kind of seems like they are jumping the gun here if they are suggesting you pull him out, IMO.

[hillview]

Thanks all! So on Mon night DS and I read Cordory goes to school and had a LONG talk about preschool. Yesterday he didn't cry at all. DH dropped him off and I am traveling for work. Let's see what happens today.

Thanks!
/hillary

[LBW]

How's he doing? I'm hoping no news is good news!

[hillview]

Thanks for asking! He is doing great!! He seems to really like it. No more crying and no more "I don't want to go"
HURRAY!
/hillary

[kedss]

YAY! :) that's great!