expectations for sharing/playing with others

[maestramommy]

Today we went to a playground for our first playgroup. Dora was on this structure that has musical chime bars. Arwyn was up there first with a boy about 9 months older. Both of them were yanking the bars back and forth and just loving it. The mom of the boy was a little nervous because he has older sibs and so is used to playing rough, but he was just fine. Then Dora comes over and wants to play, and starts pushing. Then she yells, "share!" which is really her code word for "my turn, you go away." I keep telling her share means everyone gets to play, but she started pushing the boy. That's when I got stern and told her to stop. She started to push again, and I said, "Dora if you push the boy over you're getting a spanking." Finally I had to go up there because I was afraid she would push him over and he'd get hurt, even though the mom was more concerned he'd hurt Dora :lol: Anyway, I grabbed her away because she was getting more het up and I took her to the side, told her if she couldn't play nicely with the boy and take turns we'd have to go home. That quieted her down for a while, but it happened a couple of more times and I had to intervene with the "you have to take turns or play on this side." There was room for two kids to play next to each other. But both Dora and the other boy wanted to grab bars in front of each other :rolleyes:

I'm just wondering what is a reasonable expectation for her age when it comes to playing with other kids on a single toy/structure/station. I keep explaining what share means, or tell her she needs to take turns, can't push, etc. This all happens at home, but it's the first time I've seen her do it with another kid. There were a lot of little boys on the structure who's mommies were on top of them too, but I didn't know how old they were. They were either Dora's size or bigger, so maybe they were the same age? Mostly they were making sure the boys didn't step on Arwyn or accidentally bump her, because she was crawling all over.

Later I saw Dora on another wide slide going down with a little boy. MIL said they were holding hands while sliding together. Her theory: Dora finally found someone the same pace :lol:

Anyway, I was just wonderin'

[egoldber]

If this was your first playgroup, she was probably feeling a little out of her element and getting settled. I know that even Sarah has a hard time with expectations when she is in a new environment with different people.

But this seems like pretty typical behavior. I would have just re-directed her to something else if she and the little boy couldn't seem to work it out.

[maestramommy]

Well, the thing was, she didn't know anything about a playgroup. To her it was just "going to the park" and there were other kids there. We do this all the time. But today was the first time she (and Arwyn!) played so intensely instead of just hanging around.

[niccig]

We have a boy in our playgroup, who's 4 so older than Dora, his idea of sharing a toy is to have it for 10 minutes, finally give it to another child who's been waiting, and then 1 minute later, demand the toy back and complain that the other child isn't sharing.

I actively help with the sharing if they need it. eg. You can have it for 5 minutes and then it's someone else's turn. Kitchen timers or cell phone alarms are good for that. Or I say "it's Joe's turn, now it's Jack's turn" if they both want to play on the same toy. Or in your case, these are you 5 metal bars and these are Joe's 5 metal bars.

If DS can't share, he gets 3 chances, then I move him on to another area, tell him he can't play with the toy etc. There's some consequence for not sharing.

DS is getting better. In my first eg. about our playgroup, when the boy demanded the toy back just after he'd given it to my DS, DS then said to him "Let's play with it together, it'll be fun" and they did have fun.

[egoldber]

To her it was just "going to the park" and there were other kids there.

Isn't that what playgroup is? ;)

I guess I just don't see the big deal IMO. She had a hard time sharing a toy, so I would have said something like if we can't share it, we'll have to go play somewhere else. But being in a new situation with different kids is hard for some kids, even if it's just going to the park. She may do better with that boy a different day as she gets to know him. Or she may never get along with him. Just like with adults, there are some kids who have personalities that just clash.

[lisams]

I think that's very normal for the age group. One thing that helped with DD was giving her a choice: "Do you want to wait in line for your turn right here or do you want to play on the swings while you wait?" Basically it's saying you're going to have to wait, but giving her some control over how she does it. There were times where I'd have to remove her and try and distract her with other things going on when she was just not getting that she couldn't push her way in.

A little side note, but I think it's so wonderful that the parents were all so involved and right there with their children. That doesn't happen very often when we go to the park, so kudos to you and your playgroup!

[maestramommy]

Thanks ladies. I didn't think it was a showstopper, I just wanted to be sure that at this age, kids haven't completely learned to share/take turns yet. The thing was, it supposed to be a meetup for our playgroup, but only one other mom was there, and her kids were older, so they were on an entirely different structure most of the time. The kid Dora ran into was from another group. I always see the parents being on top the kids, and for the most part they are amazingly considerate, esp. around Arwyn. It sure wasn't like that where we came from. That's why I wanted to be sure *I* wasn't slacking or needed to be doing something in particular.

Beth, you have a good point about personality clash; I did think of it later. Dora did play very well with another little boy later on as I mentioned, so maybe it was just a weird combo for that day.

[niccig]

Thanks ladies. I didn't think it was a showstopper, I just wanted to be sure that at this age, kids haven't completely learned to share/take turns yet.

I don't think they learn sharing for quite some time. In fact, I know some adults that can't share!

I watch DS when he's around other kids, and if he's pushing in first or not giving the other child a chance to also play, then I say something to him. If it's becoming an issue, I'll get more involved, like I said in my other post. Most times now, DS just needs a reminder and he's 3.5 yo. It does depend on personality of the kids, the boy I mentioned in my earlier post does not want to share at ALL, that's difficult when you get your kids to do so, and the other child doesn't - hence why I do the you have 5 mins, you have 5 mins etc if they're fighting over things.

[Asianmommy]

This does sound like pretty normal behavior, and I think you handled it just fine. There will be good sharing days and not-so-good sharing days. She's still young, and if you're consistent, she'll learn over time what's appropriate.

[hillview]

DS is similar age and sounds normal to me. I think a consistant approach helps some and then there is DS's moods ....
/hillary