DS has no friends in school :(

[happy2bamom]

I was observing DS class yesterday (through a one-way mirror) and noticed that he played alone the whole time. At one point he approached the sand table, where the other boys were playing and when he tried to join them he was pushed away by one boy and another boy said something to him (I couldn't hear, but it wasn't friendly). So.. DS walked away and continued to play alone.

I told DH and he said that I was making a big deal out of nothing. That 4 year olds don't really have friends that they identify, they just play mostly with adults.

Then today I was getting a snack ready for school (Tomorrow DS brings snack for his class and is the special helper, so it is a big day for him). I showed him the snack that he was bringing to pass-out to all of his friends and he said, "I don't have any friends at school". My heart is breaking. He is so sweet and so loveable. I don't understand why the other kids don't see that? How do I help? How do I not make the situation worse?

TIA

[SnuggleBuggles]

How does he feel about it? My ds has a few good friends but he is also happy to play by himself. None of his good friends are in his class so he plays alone at recess from what the teacher has told me. My feeling is that so long as he has someone, just one friend, that is enough if he is happy about it.

Ds1 was new 3 years running so he had a hard time breaking into social groups. So, I think he just started being happy on his own. It is a good thing, in a lot of ways. He really can interact well with others too. Like if we are at the playground he can easily make a friend to play with- but only if hhe wants to.

I really think before you get too worried you need to see if it even bugs him. And, if you have any friends from outside of preschool stay in touch with them so he knows he has friends and is likeable if that is a concern he expresses. Then, talk to the teachers and see if they can encourage the others to be more welcoming.

Beth

[AuGoldie]

Hey there,
I was watching a show the other day "A Place of our Own" I believe it's called. It's a PBS show about education and they covered this topic. A lot of the teachers would take the alienated child by the hand and introduce them into social groups and encourage the kids to play with the child. I think maybe you can try talking to the teacher so that she can intervene and maybe just occasionally introduce him to different play groups. For example, she could have walked him up to the sand box and introduced the idea that he play there with them and maybe stuck around for a few minutes to make sure they were making nice. 4 is so young, at that age they need lots of modeling and encouraging to be friendly and social IMO.
Hope this helps,
Jackie

[kedss]

its tough with 4 year olds, maybe try inviting one of his classmates for a playdate on the weekend or after school? I know with my 4 year old he will play with everybody, but if there are kids who have a clique are playing together, its harder for him to join in, and then will get his feelings hurt. If he plays one on one with a friend it works better.

It is surprising how early the 'cliques' start, or maybe as adults we forget how early they start?

I would talk to your DS and see if there is someone at school that he would like to have over and see if you can arrange a playtime.

hugs

[Globetrotter]

DS has a lot of friends but he is shy at first. He does have a good friend in KG but hasn't opened up much to others, as far as I can tell! I arranged a playdate so he could get to know another boy in a relaxed home environment. They really hit if off today during their playdate, so I think he's made a new friend :) I will do it again with a couple of other kids and he will be set!

I never did the playdate thing at preschool and he was reserved at first, but in a few months he had made friends with everyone and the teachers said he was the only person who played with everyone. Some kids take longer to gain trust and open up to other kids, so give him some time... and I highly recommend some playdates!

[bnme]

I wouldn't be too worried just yet if he doesn't seem upset. That happens often and it may seem to be more than it is. I think many of the kids vary between playing solo and in groups at that age. And it is usually not a friend thing or who they like better. More of a mood thing. (DS's are/were in a co-op preschool so I am there quite a bit)

I always just encourage my boys to be good friends -say hi, introduce themselves, be friendly and play nice with others. I don't ask 'Do you have any friends?' more like 'Did you play with anyone today?'. Encourage him to be friendly, not to 'have friends' so it doesn't set up an expectation, if that makes sense. If he says he doesn't have any friends I would say something like 'You have a lot of classmates, everyone is there to play'. And then talk about friends he does have. I would try to gauge by this is he was upset by it, if something happened, or how it was affecting him.

Is he there all day, or more like a couple times a week/couple hours? Do the other kids now each other from a prior class?

Hope he had a better day

[CAM7]

Kelli I feel so bad for your little guy. If something like that happened to my ds my heart would break too. But at 4 kids are rather fickle and make friends fairly quickly...

I like the PP suggestion of inviting one of his classmates over for a playdate... or meet up at the park?

I bet by next week things will change completely and he'll have a buddy or two...or three... :-)

[niccig]

Last year, it wasn't until the end of the year that I started to hear about kids from DS class. The teachers said he played with everyone, so I wasn't worried. It's a new class this year and different kids to last year, so I'm waiting to see who he seems to play with most and then organise a play date to help things along. He's friends are from our playgroup and none of them go to the same preschool.

[MMEand1]

My DS is in KG this year. He has never been to Pre-k or day care, so this whole "I'm your friend/I'm not your friend" thing is new to me.

I find it interesting that one boy told my DS that since he (the other little boy) was going to a birthday party that my DS was not going to that they could not be friends.

My DS told us last night that he was going to tell a little girl in his class that she could be his friend. We told him that he should try to be friends with all the kids in his class and at least say hi and be friendly to them. I'm not so sure that he really understands the whole "clique" friend thing yet...

I have never had very many friends and at many times in my life have "played solo" because I find it very difficult to connect with other people. I'm perfectly happy, however, because it seems that friends sometimes bring drama and that is certainly not something that I want in my life!

Hopefully it's just the newness of the year and he will find his own little group to feel at home with!

Good Luck!
Mariah P.

[mamicka]

That makes me really sad. I don't think that kids need to be friends with everyone or that its a bad thing to play solo. But I think the school needs to address the issue of treating/talking to others with respect & kindness.

I'm sorry those boys weren't kind to your son. That would be hard to see.

[anamika]

How long has he been at the school?
My really shy DD was the same at school. She would just stand and watch - just broke my heart. But we kept encouraging her to go up to others and initiate conversations and ask them if they wanted to play. Then we heard a lot of 'I asked so-and-so to play and they said no'. Yikes, talk about knives in your heart!
But the situation seems to have improved with time - I think it has a lot to do with my DD's personality too. She's more comfortable in school now and so she's more talkative and outgoing.
I did playdates with a few of the other children and that helped too.
Give it time and see how it goes.

[MamaKath]

Making friends does take time. The different responses gave some good ideas, love the thought of a playdate.

I would talk to the teacher about the interaction. She can adress friendship in the classroom and encourage it through books and activities. Social skills, including many aspects of young friendship are learned/can be taught.
I would also talk to the teacher about your child. The teacher is also your eyes and ears in the classroom to observe him and his behaviors. I would ask if she notices this a lot, if there are things that may be impacting the situation that maybe you did not see during that observation, or if she notices anything else of concern. This can give you some insight into exactly what is going on in the classroom with your child.

Hope as the year really gets going the situation will improve and he will be talking about lots of new friends. :-)

[sariana]

What does his teacher have to say about the situation? Last year my DS was having trouble in preschool (when he was 3). Because he already had an IEP for something else, I knew the people in the special education department at our district. It took a long time, but I finally got someone to observe my son in January. They immediately referred him to the special program in our district to work on his social skills. One thing the observer mentioned was that DS played alone because he had alienated the other children (in his case it was because he was overly touchy-he still can't keep his hands to himself).

I don't mean to worry you. What the PPs have said is probably true, that your DS just needs more time. But if the situation continues, I would recommend having someone from your district's special ed department observe him. If there is an issue with his social skills, it is better to address it sooner rather than later.

My son has been in a special program since last January. He now has several children he talks about often as his friends, and other parents have mentioned that their children mention him as their friend as well. We are fortunate to have such a strong program in our district. I am hoping DS will be ready for regular kindergarten next year. (He turns 5 in July, so he is young for his class.)

[s7714]

My older DD went through a similar thing in preschool last year. Finally almost two months into school the teachers started buddying her up with a little boy who had a similar nature. After that they were best buddies and they both did much better. They even started being more open to friendships with others after they had that initial success.

My DDs is actually doing the same thing at Kindergarten too. I'm hoping she'll start narrowing in an a buddy or two soon, but if not I'm planning to ask the teacher down the road if we can find her a like-minded buddy to connect with.

[bubbaray]

I see this with my DD#1. She's very reserved and quiet in groups (hmmm, wonder where she got that from?!) but is a chatterbox around adults.

She found a little friend at daycamp this summer and we were THRILLED. We gave the mom our number and she claimed to be very interested in getting the girls together, said her daughter was shy and didn't know other girls, etc. Well, we never heard. DD#1 is pretty sad about it (and, stupid me, I didn't get the other mom's number).

She is the same at church -- been there for over 2 years and has no friends (even though they are all in the same class every year). She has friends at daycare, but apparently she plays alone there too. I've asked the daycare provider to work on it with her and she is definitely getting a bit better. She started a new set of ballet lessons at a real dance studio last weekend and I saw her making eye contact with some of the other kids and the teacher, so we're making progress!

Its definitely something I'll be watching once school starts. GL!

[happy2bamom]

Thanks for all of your feedback and ideas. I have a call into the teacher to share my concerns and get her perspective on the situation. Hopefully, the teacher will be able to encourage some social interaction with my DS and the other kids in class.

I feel silly but I never considered organizing a playdate, but it sounds like a really good idea.

Thanks so much, I really appreciate your support. You all are so great!

[scoop22]

no suggestions here but i want to send hugs and thoughts your way... :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

it is so hard and you just want what is best for your ds. it is a stressful matter! i am reading some of the posts and storing them to memory. we are struggling with ds. some great ideas.. i hope it works for you!!!