clingy child and extra-curricular activities...long

[HIU8]

DS is very attached to me. He still has issues leaving me when I take him to preschool (unless, of course, there are trains out), and this is his third year at the school. This year he stays late and has lunch and a nap on Tuesday's before being taken by a teacher to karate class with about 7 other children in the preschool (they walk them to another part of the building). I pick him up from karate. This was the second class. Each time DS has walked down the hall wailing at the top of his lungs. In the class he refuses to particpate, but sits in the back (and does what the teacher does, but not with any of the other children). The instructor wants to know what we want to do about this. Heck, I want him to stay in the class b/c, like everything else, DS takes forever to warm up to things. I asked him today why he wailed and he said he just wanted me. He would not put on his karate uniform (not a big deal). Then he asked to be taken out of the class right after he told me how much he enjoyed it. What do I do? I am afraid to just pull him out of the class after only 2 sessions. I'm afraid of setting the precedent that it is ok to quit things without giving them a try. DH says to just pull him out. I know DS will not want to take another type of class (he is the type of kid that would pull this just because I am not there). Is this normal for a 3 1/2 year old that is clingy? How long should I expect this to go on? I try to spend alone time with DS at least once a week. Should I be bumping that up as well?

[Wife_and_mommy]

I can see my future in your post!

DS is clingy and attached to me too. He does much much better when he has warning that something new is happening. He still cries as the transition is happening but acclimates more easily if he knew it was coming.

I'd try warning your DS in the a.m. that he has karate class that day and also ask his regular teacher to do the same during the day.

I think two classes is too soon to acclimate so I wouldn't pull him out. Maybe give it another couple weeks before making a decision? I'd also talk up how much fun he has in class.

Hugs! It's so hard to balance how much or how little to do.

[C99]

If he were like this at 5 or 6, I'd worry. At 3.5? No. I'd pull him out of karate for now and try again in 6 months to a year. Maybe karate is just too far out of his comfort zone right now?

[hillview]

DS is 3 and having similar issues at preschool (see other post!). I'd maybe try it for another session or 2 if you think he will really like it / warm up to it. If on the other hand you think he won't then I'd cut it. I wouldn't at ALL worry about setting a bad pattern of quitting at this age.

HUGS -- this is SO hard.
/hillary

[amandabea]

I don't think you will be setting a quitting is ok precedent at his young age. I think around that's really closer to age 6. I say this not bc I have experience with my DD, but rather this is how I was.

I was petrified to be away from my mother as a toddler. I still remember her leaving me at daycare, crying, and reaching out for her. Of course it wouldn't last forever, but that's the only part I *remember*. Now of course I think it was the right thing to do, but that's not my point. My point is that later, when my parents would sign me up for things -- Indian Princesses, Brownies, swimming, gymnastics, I always wound up quitting after about 2 classes. I was dreadfully shy and by allowing me to quit so early my parents did what I wanted, but I wish that they would have encouraged (maybe forced) me to stay...I think that would have helped with my shyness quite a bit.

Anyway, JMHO
Amanda

[almostmom]

I hear you - I've been there!

My DS, 4.5, has major shy/anxiety issues in new situations, transition situations. If you know him, you would never guess this. Once he is at preschool/daycare, he is very involved, makes friends easily,excels. But he still, at this age, often walks into class behind me, and the teachers know not to really say hi to him until he's ready. For him, it usually happens when I or DH are with him - for some reason we bring out this shyness. There was a school "play" at the end of last year, and the songs they sang were actually ones that we brought in, he was the leader during the months of practicing, talked about how he might be a little shy, but he knew he could do it, and even announced to the class that his parents were going to stand in the back, and would hide behind everyone so he wouldn't be too shy. On the day of the performance (just in their classroom with the parents) he walked in and started crying and had to sit on a teacher's lap for the whole thing.

I talked to the director, and asked if there was anything we could do, as I feel so bad for him, and don't want to be afraid to send him to things. She suggested something called a social story. And we just did it for a group tennis lesson I signed him up for, and it worked so great!

Here's what you do: 4 days before the lesson, I told him about it. He was upset, but I said I wanted to make a book with him about it. In our case, he did the drawing, but the director had suggested I do it. The idea is to write down the scenario in pictures and maybe a few words. Ours was about 5 pages, and then he can look it over in the days leading up to the event. Also, in his creating the book with you, he has some power. My son decided that in the story there would be ice cream after the lesson, and then the following page (I said we'd be going home for naps ) he drew a bunkbed with him and DD, and they don't even have bunkbeds! So some was made up, but the picture of the car o none page, then him with a raquet, and then the car again and then the ice cream - these were all things he could relate to. Although when he finished the book he got pretty hysterical - "WHY would you sign me up for something I don't want to do?" I let him rant, but didn't engage him too much. Just comforted him. The director also said kids have trouble understanding that they can have multiple emotions at once - be both shy and happy, for example. So DS did calm down, and said he didn't want to talk about it, because if might make him cry, and every day, he picked up the story on the breakfast table and looked through the pics by himself. Sometimes he's ask me questions. Come the day of the lesson, we drove there and when we arrived, he cried in the car. I told him it would be short, and that we weren't going home, and he walked in. When we got there, he told me, "I think I'm going to be OK." And he was off. I was SO PROUD. After the lesson, he asked if he could do it again the next week, and the following week he had no problem AT ALL. He told me, "thank you mommy for signing me up." I'm so glad I didn't give in, because he really feels like he accomplished something, and he's doing something he really loves! Now I need to figure out how to afford the tennis lessons (hee hee)!

Now, I'm not a pushy or mean parent at all. But 1, I knew he would love this kind of thing as he is obsessed with baseball and tennis. 2, I wanted to give him an opportunity to work on his shyness, to find some solutions. It wasn't going away on it's own, and next year he will be going to K, and he doesn't know a single kid (not one) in our town where he'll be going to school. So this was my proactive way of trying to work on this.

If you have any questions, just let me know. Maybe your son is too young for this, but I don't think it hurts to try.

Hope this helps!

[mominmarch]

What a great post and a great idea!!! My DD is only 18 months old and gets nervous and shy about things... we just started preschool 2 mornings a week. I have never heard of the "social story" idea, but I have been meaning to get some books to learn these types of things. Your post was fabulously informative and I can't wait to try that out when she is older!

[octmom]

Liz, thanks for sharing this idea. I might try this with my DS sometime.

[sidmand]

What a great post and a great idea!!! My DD is only 18 months old and gets nervous and shy about things... we just started preschool 2 mornings a week. I have never heard of the "social story" idea, but I have been meaning to get some books to learn these types of things. Your post was fabulously informative and I can't wait to try that out when she is older!

Social stories are used all the time for kids who might have a hard time with something, i.e., kids on the spectrum. We have one for the dentist, one for a haircut, one on when to say "hi," etc.! You can buy some books, but you can also make up your own using pictures as examples. We took pictures at the dentist of the hygienist DS would have, of what he would do, etc. and then put them together in a little book for him to have and look at. For the haircut it still didn't make a difference though! But telling him what's coming up has made a lot of difference...not "springing" it on him and reminding him and a story if needed.

[mominmarch]

This has me questioning -- what are some of the best books out there that teach you to do these things? I just looked up the playful parenting book and that looks good, I might order that. Now that my DD is getting older, I feel like I should be doing more than reading "What to Expect During the Toddler Years" every month!!

[almostmom]

So glad I could help! I'd never heard to the concept before the director told me about it either.

After many years of getting tons of advice on the board, I'm glad I can give back a little!

[HIU8]

Wow. That is a great idea. I'm going to try that to see how DS reacts for the next class. Thank you.

[cono0507]

Almostmom- I love this idea! We tried soccer this summer with my 3.5yo son. The first 2 weeks, he would not join the kids. He just sat behind me. Then the third week he wouldn't even get out of the car. He does fine when it is just a small playgroup of 2-3 other kids, but larger groups intimidate him. He is starting to become that way at the preschool he's been going to for over a year now. :( I'm not shocked because I was exactly the same way as a kid, but I really want to try to help him learn to enjoy some of these activities. We are definitely going to try your idea. Thank you!!!

[bubbaray]

OK, I need to do this book thing, pronto. DH is in bike races two days this weekend and I have to deal with dropping DD#1 off at German school (I don't speak German) and ballet -- and I'll have DD#2 with me, and she'll be missing her naps so will be cranky. I *need* a quick solution to make these dropoffs smooth (normally, they involve melt-downs).

SOOOOO, how to I do this book? Do I use some sort of special type of blank book? Or make a book (ugh, no time) and use blank construction paper or something?

Quick, easy instructions would be most appreciated -- I have a crazy work schedule this week and its a full moon, so things are uber-crazy right now.

TIA!

[almostmom]

We did it pretty quick - I work, so we did it on a Tuesday evening, after dinner, before bath! DD just did some drawings alongside him.

I took 3 pieces of construction paper, folded them in half and stapled it. That was the book.

I took out the markers, and told him we were going to make a book about him going to the lessons, so he would know what to expect. The director of his school suggested it could be as short as 3 pages, but ours was more like 6. My plan was one page of the car, representing us driving there. One page with him and a tennis raquet. And one page with him and an ice cream cone. He took more control than I expected, and on the first page drew our family - 4 stick figures and we put names on them. I think this was a good comfortable place for him to start, because obviously his family is his comfort zone. The next page, I drew our van. The next page, he drew himself with a raquet and even a net - I didn't know he knew how to draw a tennis net! On the next page he drew himself and me, and I added the ice cream cones - a bigger one in his hand than mine. He always focused on that when he looked at it - "Mommy, why is your ice cream smaller than mine?" - and I think he thought that was cool! Then I drew another picture of the van, and then the last page he drew two beds with stick figures in them, and said they were him and his sister in bunkbeds (I told him he'd be heading home for nap).

My advice? Keep it simple, but get it done. And then leave it around where he will see it. And it was interesting - when we got in the car to go to the lesson for the first time, and he was calm (until we arrived), he said, "Mom, wait - where's the book? This is what we made it for,"! So I ran into the house and got it for him to look at on the drive.

We are not a very crafty artsy household, so we really did keep it simple. Just staple some pages together and call it a book, and make a few drawing that tell a story. Done!

Let me know how it works! I hope it helps at least a little. Also, don't be afraid to acknowledge that it might be hard when she gets there, but that you know she can do it and will have fun. And then move on to the happy picture of a girl who did the activity.