Worried about 4.5yo DD's social skills

[CBB]

DD has always been very reserved and attached. She attends pre-K which is the same school she has been since she was 18mo. Most of the time she doesn't talk nearly as much in school as at home. She talks nonstop at home and is like a complete different person. She seems to enjoy her school. Her teacher says that she interact and plays with the other kids very well. This year, we signed up for yoga, swimming, soccer in her school. She enjoyed yoga and swimming. However, her teacher told me that she chose to stay in rather than playing soccer many times. Now that we are done with swimming and soccer, we signed up for dance along with yoga. She has had 2 dance classes so far. She observed both classes and did not want to participate. When I asked if she liked it, she always says yes and wants to continue taking it. Today I watched one of their activities in which the instructor and the kids act out "the hungry little caterpillar". She didn't participate at all where as all the other kids did. The instructor told me that she frequently just observes, but seems to enjoy it. Before any birthday party, she will talk about it all the time and is very excited. However, when we get to the party, she becomes very shy and would not speak, just quietly play. It usually takes her a long time to warm up in a social environment. She is a very cheerful person at home, but not so much outside. I don't know what to do. I try not to push her and try to praise her a lot. This may just be her personality. DH and I are both pretty reserved too. Any suggestion in how to get her more involved?

TIA!

[urquie]

no suggestions, but she sounds exactly like my dd :)

[pinkmomagain]

Does she go on playdates? Does she play with kids on the playground? Are her teachers concerned? I'm always about a mom's gut feeling on things...maybe speak to your pediatrician and see if there really is need for concern. In most areas, there are socialization groups often run by social workers or therapists to help kids with socializing...it's important to find a group that is similar to your daughter's temperment (for instance, she may not be a good match in a group for kids with special needs). I say this only because, with a dd who has socialization issues, they are much easier to address at 3 & 4 yo than at 6, 7, and up.

[hardysmom]

Sounds almost exactly like my 4.5 yr old DD and my 6 yr old DS...

The 4.5 yr old's twin engages and interacts, but Blythe tends to stay on the sidelines watching or playing alone. She is smart and funny and charming and talks a lot at home, but doesn't do well in groups.

I would be worried if we hadn't been through this with DS #1...

Both have some sensory issues which they have mostly worked through at this point, but the crowd thing is a lingering stressor for many kids (and adults!). Jumping into a group of kids is tough, particularly wen they are doing a structured activity like dance or soccer... She may just be overwhelmed by the flurry and insecure about her ability to figure it out.

Some kids at this age prefer very, very predictable stuff... Many like to play alone.

Plus, a lot of kids, particularly gifted kids, can get caught up in perfectionism and choose not to participate in activities which they don't think they can COMPLETELY master...

Heck, as an adult, I have problems being self-conscious in a group. I think in our activity-oriented world it is easy to forget that every kid isn't going to love every activity, even if our friends' kids thing it is the best thing, ever. It doesn't mean that they won't ever dance or learn to swim or be an all-american soccer player. They just aren't into it, yet.

Some kids love soccer, some kids have to be bribed to try then enjoy it, others would rather eat a plate of pickled tomatoes than to try to play EVEN THOUGH at home they love kicking the ball and running around. That same kid may, in a few years, be a star goalie.

I was a big team sports junkie, so it is hard for me to back off and admit that 2 of my kids are not. So far as sports, 2 of mine do MUCH better with individual sports and activities. Even then, they have to watch a while before they will participate w/o the promise of a treat afterwards. The set up from signing up for a new thing to actually doing it can take several weeks.

The 3rd, on the other hand, is the social director of the playground and keeps running lists of her "best-friends." Actually, she isn't as coordinated as her twin, but doesn't care. She is a star in her own head. Personally, I am more worried that my overly social child is going to get into trouble being clique-ish, than I am that the other 2 aren't just do-your-own-thing types of kids.

I would say this type of thing does seem to peak between 4-5, but maybe that is just because they are becoming more and more self-aware. I try not to encourage w/o pushing as it only makes them more anxious.

If she is communicating well at home and her teachers aren't concerned, I wouldn't get stressed. She'll get there.

Stephanie

[KBecks]

I wouldn't worry about her. I also would look at not praising a lot -- I've read Alfie Kohn about praise and kids getting hooked on external praise vs. internal satisfaction, you may want to read about that just as a point of reference.

It doesn't sound like there's any major issue, unless she would specifically complain about having bad feelings.

I would trust that if she says she likes something, she does, and I think it's good to accept her where she's at and just let her naturally choose her actions and involvement. If you feel like it's wasteful for her to be in class without participating, then maybe do fewer classes and ask her to choose her favorite.

[CBB]

Thank you so much for your replies. It made me feel a little better knowing that there are other kids like my DD. Today was the first time I was able to attend the "hungry little caterpillar" activity . It just made me feel really sad watching DD sitting quietly on the side whereas all the other kids were running, acting silly and dancing. I know she would totally do it at home. She really does not like to be the center of attention. Maybe she's not into those kind of activities. Her teacher told me that it does take her a long time to warm up. When she moved from preschool to preK in July, she didn't talk much to the new teachers until just recently. Playgroup is a good suggestion. I work FT and have pretty irradict schedule which makes that a little hard. DD had 2 great friends, but both of them moved away this summer which was sad for her and us. We haven't had a playdate since June. I really need to set something up. Karen, thanks for your suggestion on Alfie Kohn's book - I will definitely look into that.

[KBecks]

I think there's an article about praise online on his web site, so you don't have to even buy a book! :) Sorry I was lazy and didn't include the link right away.

http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

It's the one about "good job!" Anyway, it's good reading for reference and to then decide if any of it fits into your parenting. I totally believe in taking little bits from here and there but then making it your own.... no hard rules to parenting! Kohn has blasted Supernanny but we have used little bits of both philosophies, both in moderation.

[jake's daddy]

The original poster's child does not sound like she is having clinically significant difficulties, rather it simply sounds like she is shy. Shyness is not a disorder, and is typically only significant when it creates functional difficulties. This wasn't really reported by the OP, though it does appear to create distress in the child's parents, which is another cue for treatment.

Shyness is typically viewed under the umbrella of anxiety, which is typically treated with exposure to the feared stimulus. Thus, if the fear is with flying, the person needs to be exposed to flying, by getting on a plane. If the fear is social in nature, than the individual needs to be in social settings. When the individual is exposed to such situations, they must learn that they have nothing to fear. If I never speak in front of an audience, then I can not learn to overcome my fear of public speaking.

For a shy child, I would recommend "baby steps" (systematic desensitization) towards treatment goals (more active socialization). Have your child take small steps towards social engagement while offering praise (or other reinforcement) for such successes and encouragement as well. Thus, the child needs opportunities to socialize. It sounds like your daughter has such opportunities. If you child has a skill deficit (she doesn't know how to do the desired behavior), then social skills training is a good idea. However, if she has the skills (she has used them previously), then it is likely due to a performance deficit (motivation). In such cases, parents can shape a child's behavior through antecedents and consequences.

Praise is a very valuable commodity. I strongly disagree with the article that was posted previously (no offense to the poster). Decades of research support the effectiveness of praise as a means of positive reinforcement. It is through praise that a child learns a parent's value system (as well as through modeling). To eliminate or minimize praise seems likely an awfully strange suggestion. Imagine what your life would be like if you never received praise from anyone (hopefully everyone has to imagine this). If the praise is behavior specific (I like the way you did x) then it is giving very valuable feedback to the child.

Some of the critiques are frankly ridiculous. The author notes that praise steals a child's thunder. Has anyone ever been upset by praise? Has it ever taken away from your enjoyment? That just seems ridiculous to me. Pointing out that praise manipulates children is also a lame argument. Of course parents are manipulating children. That is our job. Would you prefer that someone else manipulate your child? Teaching and instruction are manipulation. So are the late fee on your mortgage payment, the bonus check you receive at work, and the high five you get for doing a good job....sorry, that article just bothered me...but I guess to each his own...

Best of luck to the OP
JD

[CBB]

Thank you, Karen, for the article. It's an interesting point of view. I do agree that we have to use different parenting skills in moderation.
Thank you JD for your suggestion. Are you a psychologist (just wondering)? One major difficulty DD has is with unfamiliar environment or persons. I guess I'm just not sure how to "desensitize" her?

[wendmatt]

DD is very similar to yours, she is almost 6 now. This last year has been a major turning point for us. She just started K and is doing remarkably well, she is starting to interract with the other kids, which has been tough for her. She is by no means a social butterfly but I was worried she wouldn't talk to anyone but she does.
I posted a while back about her not participating in swim classes, she refused to get in the water with the teacher, she loves to be in the water and would've gone in if I was in there but wouldn't go in with someone she didn't know. I'm still learning to let her take things slowly and move at her own pace. She does not want me to leave her at a party even if other parents do, so I stay with her and she might be excited about going and then be really quiet, but she is happy watching and not participating in the games etc.
I think as long as she is happy and not terribly anxious about things and happy to be on her own and watch others she is doing fine. She will find her own niche and her own place in the world, just keep taking her to playdates and parties when she's invited and stay with her so she stays secure and she'll be just fine. I'm not sure what I think about not praising, I can see the point but I do praise DD when she deserves it and it works for us.

[ged]

This is a very interesting thread and I appreciate all the different views presented. My DD is 3.5 and is also what I consider to be shy. It is nice to know that we are not alone in this matter...and besides, I know I was/am shy. Why do I expect her to be so different? Thanks for all the input!