Question for Conflict Avoiders

[StantonHyde]

I don't actually like conflict--so I address problems quickly so they don't get to be big deals. I am fairly slow to anger but when I do, I am mad. I always try to assume that people have honest/good intent. DH is a no conflict guy. He will let anger build and buld and build. He will assume that I am leaving wrappers around the house to torture him (not knowing that I cleaned up 3 other major messes that day, plus emptied and reloaded the dishwasher while cooking dinner). I call him on it when it comes out. Like "You can't let that stuff build up. Here's how WE can fix the problem...." And he'll say, "oh yeah, that's an idea".

We were having this type of discussion and he sounded angry/vitriolic. We talked it out and the next day I said to him, "Doesn't it bother you to be that angry? How can you stand to carry that around?" Well, it doesn't bother him. He can be that mad and still be happily married. He is an internal processor so he has to be really sure about what he wants to say before he talks.

So my question is, If you avoid conflict--do you just carry that frustration around and it doesn't affect you? Do you process that frustration or just carry it? I apologize in advance if I sound mean spirited, or condescending, or just plain stupid!!!!! I am honestly trying to understand a way of thinking that is just foreign to me. TIA for your candid assistance!

[kristenk]

I think I'm probably similar to your DH. A lot of times DH will ask if something is bothering me and the fact that he's asking if something's bothering me is what actually bothers me!:ROTFLMAO: I am very much an internal processor. Brainstorming ideas stresses me out to no end b/c it's so far outside of my comfort zone. If I say something, I've thought about it a decent amount. If my DH says that he's thinking of getting rid of all of our dishes and using paper plates, I assume that HE has also given his vocalized idea a lot of thought and is set on doing that. It stresses me out that I have to suddenly figure out whether I want to give up our plates and how we'll do that and what we'll use instead and where we'll get paper plates and what we'll do with them etc. All b/c he mentioned one idea that he isn't all that interested in in the first place. (And, yes, I made that up b/c I couldn't think of a real example.) Incidentally, DH has learned to preface any brainstorming idea he has with, "I'm just brainstorming here" and that helps me a lot.:D

I really like to process things and NEED to process things. If something is really bothering me, I prefer to be silently grumpy for a while and sort out my feelings WITHOUT saying anything to DH. Sometimes I'll work through things and decide on my own that I'm being ridiculous. Other times, I'll end up telling DH what's bothering me, but I will have used my own time to figure out how to best express my feelings to DH. Oh, and the time frame I'm talking about is probably a couple of hours. I tend to not carry things over to the next day or anything. If I do, it'll be something that I've decided I'm being ridiculous about and, sort of, my own problem. I tend not to go to bed upset with DH (for the most part;) ).

[buddyleebaby]

I really like to process things and NEED to process things. If something is really bothering me, I prefer to be silently grumpy for a while and sort out my feelings WITHOUT saying anything to DH. Sometimes I'll work through things and decide on my own that I'm being ridiculous. Other times, I'll end up telling DH what's bothering me, but I will have used my own time to figure out how to best express my feelings to DH. Oh, and the time frame I'm talking about is probably a couple of hours. I tend to not carry things over to the next day or anything. If I do, it'll be something that I've decided I'm being ridiculous about and, sort of, my own problem. I tend not to go to bed upset with DH (for the most part;) ).

:yeahthat:
I couldn't say it any better.

[StantonHyde]

I have definitely learned to "hold everything" for 24 hours. That way, I am calmer, and I can process it. Plus, that gives me time to figure out if (as you said) it is really my problem or I should just leave it.

I will say that being married to DH has helped me a lot in my professional life. I used to facilitate process improvement teams and I figured if you didn't say anything, you didn't have anything to say. (I can hear steam rising out of all of the internal processors's heads!!) I really learned to value the contributions of internal processors and I structured my facilitation to create conditions that would allow them to contribute more fully in the process. Now that I often have to build consensus to implement ideas, I always revisit with folks who were quiet during meetings and/or I visit with those folks before the meeting. I now pay as much, or more, attention to their input as I do to the outspoken folks.

I guess what is so foreign to me is the idea that someone could carry around anger for weeks or months and not say anything. Or maybe he thinks he does. I don't do hints well--but neither does he. We are very direct communicators. It just honestly did not seem to bother him that he carried that stuff around with him. I am wondering if it is a guy thing or an internal processor thing or a conflict avoider thing? The bottom line is that I really love DH and would like to stay happily married to him :loveeyes:

[kristenk]

I really can't see carrying anger/annoyance/whatever around for weeks or months and not saying a word. That just wouldn't happen. Are you talking about a grudge instead of anger? I will admit that I remember situations that happened a long time ago that still annoy me when I think about them. They don't affect my day-to-day life, though, and I don't think that would be considered carrying anger around for weeks and weeks. Maybe it is a guy thing...:p