"I hate you mommy"

[bubbaray]

OK, not sure if this should go here or in the BP. But, I guess here as I could sure use some advice.

DD#1 is driving me mental. If I hear "I hate you mommy" one.more.time. I am quite sure that my head will spin around on my neck a la The Exorcist. I really try to ignore her when she says hurtful things to me, or tell her that's not nice, sometimes if I'm really at the end of my rope, I put her in time out. Anything can trigger these outbursts. This morning it was when I took the doll stroller away from her (DD#2 was on the other end of it and she let go when DD#1 was pried off of it).

The tone of voice is more like a teenager. What is UP with that?! She's 4.5!!!!!!!!

[happy2bamom]

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but we just tell DS that we don't talk to people like that. We reiterate that we are a family and that we all love each other. We can be angry with each other, but we can't say hurtful words, it just isn't acceptable in our house. We try to help him find other words to express his anger/frustration/etc.

[sunriseiz]

Oh, I am right there with you! My dd has only said it a handful of times over something she just didn't like as you said, but that's more than enough! And it does sound just like a teenager :( The last time, after I had calmly walked away and collected myself (I have been trying really hard not to play into it), DH had a talk with DD about what the word hate really means (an action; the opposite of love, etc) and just how much it hurts my feelings. They also talked about other ways to describe how DD was feeling (mad, sad, angry) instead of lashing out. Believe it or not, I haven't heard it since. Now, I know it will come up again, but maybe there will be a basis for discussion that DH laid to get to the root of the problem.

In any case, I really sympathize. :(

ETA: I would recommend 2 books: Parenting with Love and Logic and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. They both have lots of real-life type of examples of handling situations. For this one, they remind the reader that just because we love someone, doesn't always mean we "feel" loving at that moment and that's ok. We all need to be able to express emotions, but it doesn't have to be mean.

[bubbaray]

Thanks. That is what I do at the beginning, but when it persists, I'm at a loss and use my "usual", which is time outs.

And, to make it worse, this usually happens when DH is not around. So, he d/n hear it and d/n believe me that it happens.

I want to run away right now.

[bubbaray]

after I had calmly walked away and collected myself (I have been trying really hard not to play into it), DH had a talk with DD about what the word hate really means (an action; the opposite of love, etc) and just how much it hurts my feelings. They also talked about other ways to describe how DD was feeling (mad, sad, angry) instead of lashing out.

Thanks.

I need to calmly walk away more. OK, I need to just be 'calm' more -- not a personality trait I come by easily.

I will ask DH (nicely, had a screaming fest with him over this issue on the phone after I dropped the kids at daycare this morning -- I'm soooo frustrated!). He's much better at this parenting gig....

[MontrealMum]

No advice, just hugs :grouphug:

[bubbaray]

Thanks Molly. Its a full moon. I should have stayed in bed.

[sunriseiz]

I think because DH wasn't the 'target' he was much more rational than me. I think guys also just don't have that built-in hormonal-emotional thing going on like we do (or at least I do!). :)

Hugs to you!

[mecawa]

You are definitely not alone, my DD (who is 4) does this from time to time. I try to use the "that hurts my feelings" conversation, or "well I love you" but a lot of the time she ends up in time out, especially when it comes at a time when I have a million other things going on. I know exactly what you are feeling.

[kedss]

I'm sorry Melissa, that sucks! :(

A little OT: Yesterday, I walked DS to school, which I don't normally do, and DS said to me several times on the way there, 'you are my best friend, mama', which is sweet, but I hope its not the case.

After school, he had his usual grouchy, cranky, mad self at me, then recovered, and said again, "You are my best friend, Mama" and I said, " I sure hope you treat your other friends better than you treat me."

Maybe when she and you are calmed down, talk about how 'hate' really hurts people's feeling, even Mama's. I think at times, we are the safe place for our kids to try out words and feelings, and they don't consider that we are people too? I think when my ds gets frustrated or tired, I'm where he feels safe to let go, but it is exhausting and it sucks.

big hugs

[npace19147]

Yup, we've been getting this here too. DD likes to say things like "You're going to jail!" or "You're not my mommy!" when she's mad at me...she has dropped the hate-bomb a few times too.

Staying calm does help, so of course it's the hardest thing to do. I've been trying to cut down on the time outs, so rather than putting her in a time out I'll tell her that we don't talk to each other that way, and she should go to her room and calm down. It separates us from each other, which is the most important thing at that moment!

Good luck, I keep reminding myself that this phase will pass...and then who knows what phase will come next!

[TraciG]

My DD just started to say it too, she said it last night, she is almost 5, scary to think about the teenage year's !!!

[bubbaray]

Thanks everyone.

I really do "try" to be calm and not escalate the situation. It does often happen when I'm stressed or in a hurry (ie., getting the girls ready to go to daycare/work in the mornings). We are working on getting DD#1 to use her words.

My daycare provider keeps telling me that kids act out with those that they trust the most. Its just getting a little old, KWIM?

[Fairy]

Can you act sad and pouty and say that you're very sad that she said that very mean thing to you? Give a little guilt?

[bubbaray]

Can you act sad and pouty and say that you're very sad that she said that very mean thing to you? Give a little guilt?

Hmmm, maybe that's an idea. She d/n usually see "sadness" in me, KWIM? I hide that pretty well (or just express it as anger).

[maestramommy]

Well, either she's late getting started, or she was just saving it up for more intensity lol! Seriously, I've heard things like "I don't like you mommy/daddy", "go away mommy/daddy", "I'm not your friend mommy/dadd" are all normal. Usually parents who go through this say that saying, "well I LOVE YOU!" helps. Maybe because it either reassures them or throws them off. We haven't had this happen yet, although Dora does say, "goodbye, " code for "leave me alone/go away/I don't want you here." Or if she's engaged with Dh and I even walk by she says, "no mommy also!"

[bubbaray]

I probably don't say "I love you" enough. That's a good tip too.

[randomkid]

My DD is 3.75yo and I've been fortunate so far not to hear the "hate" word. I don't think she's really heard this word or knows what it means, so maybe that's why. I have had "I don't like you anymore" "You're mean" and assorted other goodies. The worst is when you ask for a hug, she pushes you away and says "NO". She does this more with DH than me, but I get my fair share of it.

I've tried getting her to understand the feelings by turning it around on her. I ask her how she would feel if she asked for a hug and I told her no, or if Daddy told her he didn't like her any more. I do this after she has calmed down and she has always said she wouldn't like it. Last night, I asked for a hug before bed. She said "Maybe tomorrow I will give you a hug." A few minutes later, she wanted me to rub her back in bed. I said "Maybe tomorrow." She got sad, so I explained why I did it and asked if she understood how she made me feel when I asked for a hug. Then, I rubbed her back, of course.

She still does these things, which I think is normal. I don't know if it cuts down on it or not because I've used this approach from early on. Often, she will apologize (on her own without prompting) to whomever she was awful to. I do know it doesn't happen as often as you are describing. It's very important to DD that she is nice and that people like her, so I use that to my advantage as well. I explain to her that those words are rude and not nice, then I ask if she wants to be a nice girl or a rude girl. That seems to hold some weight as well. I'm dreading the hate word as I'm sure it will come someday. Hugs to you! :hug:

ETA: I also tell her I love her or that I still like her when she talks like that. If she does go to time out for something, I talk to her once her time is up and we discuss why she is in time out, so I'm sure she understands why I put her there. Then, I give her a hug and tell her I love her. Only after our discussion and the hug is time out officially over. I've found that sometimes she doesn't really know why she is there because she was so upset when I put her there, KWIM?

[maestramommy]

I probably don't say "I love you" enough. That's a good tip too.

I seriously wouldn't worry about that. The only time we say "I love you" is when we kiss the kids goodnight. We show them enough, I think that's more important. Not saying you don't! Just that the words themselves don't have to be used that much. At least in our household:p

[bubbaray]

If she does go to time out for something, I talk to her once her time is up and we discuss why she is in time out, so I'm sure she understands why I put her there. Then, I give her a hug and tell her I love her. Only after our discussion and the hug is time out officially over. I've found that sometimes she doesn't really know why she is there because she was so upset when I put her there, KWIM?

This is part of our time out routine -- after its done, go apologize to the 'victim' (sorry, bad word, not sure what to call it) and acknowledge what she's done to precipitate going into time out in the first place. Then, a hug and the matter is dropped.

[ellies mom]

I usually just say "I still love you" but a friend told me recently that she says, "That's OK, I love you enough for both of us." I think I'm going to give that a try sometime.

[egoldber]

I do think that kids push our buttons in part because they know they can get away with it at home. I also think that they do it to see if they can make us "not love them". I like to pull out the book "Mama, Do You Love Me" which goes into this. I think it is comforting for kids to hear that we love them when they are not perfect. We may not be happy with the behavior, but we still love them. And I think that 4-5 is a prime age for kids to start really getting this.

Sarah has never said I hate you, but she has told me many times that I have hurt her feelings when I have said XYZ or when I used an angry tone with her. I try and explain to her that sometimes mommies get tired and frustrated too. I always apologize for my behavior when I know I have overreacted. And I do re-iterate that I love her even when I am angry.

I am struggling a bit right now with Amy. Sarah and I have a wonderful relationship. We are very similar in personality, in things we like and dislike and I just *get* her. I don't *get* Amy. She is sooooo different from me. I can see that I am going to have to work much harder on my relationship with her than I do with Sarah.

[bubbaray]

I like to pull out the book "Mama, Do You Love Me" which goes into this.

This one?
http://www.amazon.ca/Mama-Do-You-Love-Me/dp/0811821315/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1224097076&sr=8-1

I *do* think personality comes into this. DD#1 is very similar to me, but I have a much better relationship to DD#2 at this point (which could change, she's just going through a super-cute phase -- hmmm, maybe that is the key to DD#1's behavior).

[egoldber]

That's the one. Another similar one is "I Love You, Stinky Face".

[bubbaray]

Thanks. Just ordered both from Amazon. :)

[kedss]

"...Stinky Face" is a good one :)

[maestramommy]

That's the one. Another similar one is "I Love You, Stinky Face".

LOVE this book!

[CAM7]

I think a lot of times we (mom's) are just expected to 'take it' and act like things don't bother us... the "Donna Reed" syndrome.

After my pre-teen started with the "I hate you" stuff I tried to ignore it in the hopes that it would discourage her. Didn't work.

I decided that she needed to be reminded that I was a real person too and did not appreciate her being rude and nasty...that it hurt my feelings just like anyone else. I asked her if she would treat a friend that way? How would she feel if I treated her that way?

It's always helped to stay 'real' with my DD21... it's like she doesn't 'see me' unless I am more open about my feelings and I knock off the "perfect mommy" stuff. Kwim?