Sit Swapping And Parenting Differences: WWYD?

[Wife_and_mommy]

I sit swap with a friend. Her 2 yo was up for the day at 5 a.m. and napped 1.5 hrs. She said bedtime was 8:30.

I had had a long day and was tired. The DC were tired, sleepy and went to bed *very* easily at 7:30. DC was asleep by 7:45.

She was a bit annoyed/angry with me for putting DC down earlier. I understand her feelings and would be upset if my kids were put down later. Earlier? Not so much.

FTR, friend has vented about the DC's sleep. I offered my Weissbluth book tonight in another conversation about DC's sleep. That mama needs sleep!

So basically I'm fishing for thoughts. DH thought I should have lied to her but that wouldn't have been possible as she called at 8 and the house was quiet. I wouldn't feel right about that anyway.

I have put them to bed about 15-20 minutes early before and not mentioned it to her and feel okay about that. DC played a bit in bed then went to sleep. No biggie, IMO.

[sarahsthreads]

OMG, if I was that friend I'd *pay* you to come to my house and get DD1 to bed early every single night. Seriously!

To be honest, if I have a friend or a family member watch DD1 during bedtime hours, I don't expect her to be asleep at her usual time. It doesn't upset me if (when) she's up late, and I would be ecstatic if they managed to get her to bed early. (Obviously within reason. If the mom left at 5 and you put the kids to bed at 5:05, that would probably be grounds for being upset. ;) )

Then again, DD1 is not the easiest child to get to fall asleep, so my perspective may be a bit skewed.

Sarah :)

[Wife_and_mommy]

OMG, if I was that friend I'd *pay* you to come to my house and get DD1 to bed early every single night. Seriously!

To be honest, if I have a friend or a family member watch DD1 during bedtime hours, I don't expect her to be asleep at her usual time. It doesn't upset me if (when) she's up late, and I would be ecstatic if they managed to get her to bed early. (Obviously within reason. If the mom left at 5 and you put the kids to bed at 5:05, that would probably be grounds for being upset. ;) )

Then again, DD1 is not the easiest child to get to fall asleep, so my perspective may be a bit skewed.

Sarah :)

Well, you're making me feel better.:ROTFLMAO: If only my friend felt the same way.:D I didn't mean to but I feel like I way overstepped.

I sat for a familiy in college who involuntarily coslept. Mom/Dad loved to have me over. Their kids were all(4) in their beds and out when they got home. That was a rarity in their house. I think I used to channel Weissbluth even before I read his book.:ROTFLMAO:

Another funny thing is I offered to take her DC to church with me a couple weeks ago. She thought(said) I wanted to do that because I wouldn't be caring for them(they'd be in kid's class). That hadn't even occurred to me.

Thanks, Sarah. I really do feel better.:loveeyes:

[s7714]

My first thoughts were that maybe she's a) jealous you got her DC to go to sleep so easily and/or b) afraid that if DC went to sleep early she/he might get up even earlier than 5 am the next morning.

Personally, if I were in your shoes and the kid was getting cranky, clearly tired and out of sorts I've much rather just put him to bed vs. deal with that behavior.

[AuGoldie]

What I don't get is why this "friend" lets you take care of her children when she is obviously not very trusting of you. I mean she gave you a hard time when you put her daughter to bed 45 mins early?! And then she accuses you of using church as an excuse to avoid your responsiblity?! This lady has issues. Be careful with that one.
Jackie

[baileygirl]

I am surprised that she got mad enough about this to actually say something to you. You did mention that the child woke up at 5 am, is that because of a need to get to daycare or does the child get up super early on their own? I could see being afraid the child would wake up at 4 as a result of going to bed earlier. For what it is worth, DS is almost 2 and we tend to go out after he is asleep for the night to make it easier on the person watching him. (usually my parents).

[egoldber]

Amy is clearly cranky and tired before her bedtime of 6. But if I put her to bed before then, she wakes up in the middle of the night having had a "nap" and ready to play.

So I would be irritated. However, I also wouldn't let a friend babysit Amy because I know she's very cranky and irritable in the afternoon/evenings.

[maestramommy]

She was probably afraid that her kid would wake up at 4am! ;)

But seriously, if I were sit swapping and my kid went to bed that much earlier I'd want to know your secret! And when we have a sitter come over, we understand anything can happen.

[Wife_and_mommy]

My first thoughts were that maybe she's a) jealous you got her DC to go to sleep so easily and/or b) afraid that if DC went to sleep early she/he might get up even earlier than 5 am the next morning.

Personally, if I were in your shoes and the kid was getting cranky, clearly tired and out of sorts I've much rather just put him to bed vs. deal with that behavior.


Oh gosh, I hope she wasn't jealous. I know my kids will do things for others they won't willingly do for me. I've had major issues in the past w/ my DD getting out of bed while no one else has.

I get the awakening earlier concern. I'm constantly mapping my kids' sleep over a few days. An early wake means an earlier nap, etc.

The DC wasn't cranky but she was showing all the classic sleepy signals.



What I don't get is why this "friend" lets you take care of her children when she is obviously not very trusting of you. I mean she gave you a hard time when you put her daughter to bed 45 mins early?! And then she accuses you of using church as an excuse to avoid your responsiblity?! This lady has issues. Be careful with that one.



:ROTFLMAO: I guess you're right. We are very different in temperament and personality. I understand her concern DC would wake up earlier. It's intuitive to think so. I asked her to email me and let me know what time DC woke up. I hope it wasn't 4!



I am surprised that she got mad enough about this to actually say something to you. You did mention that the child woke up at 5 am, is that because of a need to get to daycare or does the child get up super early on their own? I could see being afraid the child would wake up at 4 as a result of going to bed earlier. For what it is worth, DS is almost 2 and we tend to go out after he is asleep for the night to make it easier on the person watching him. (usually my parents).


I think she said something because a couple of weeks ago, the DC fell asleep in my care *without my knowledge*(in the car) and didn't nap that day(understandably, IMO). Thinking on it now, I agree with Augoldie. She probably thinks I did it on purpose. That makes me sad. :(

The DC is up for the day at 5. No daycare.



Amy is clearly cranky and tired before her bedtime of 6. But if I put her to bed before then, she wakes up in the middle of the night having had a "nap" and ready to play.


6 is already early! I esp. wouldn't put this DC to bed earlier. She'd probably wake up for the day at 3 a.m.

Out of curiosity, does Amy nap?



Thanks for your responses. I think the fact that this was "the second time" in her book is what's causing the rift. I'd prefer to have some leeway but think I'll definitely stick closer to instructions in the future. I'm very particular about my kids's sleep but I lean towards more sleep for the kiddos, not less. I guess that's why it's hard.

[vludmilla]

What I don't get is why this "friend" lets you take care of her children when she is obviously not very trusting of you. I mean she gave you a hard time when you put her daughter to bed 45 mins early?! And then she accuses you of using church as an excuse to avoid your responsiblity?! This lady has issues. Be careful with that one.
Jackie
I completely agree!

[Asianmommy]

Honestly, if my friend were willing to take care of my kids for me, I'd be so grateful that I wouldn't ever complain to them. To me, the fact that things don't go perfectly according to schedule when you're visiting with friends is kinda expected and not a big deal. Hopefully, she was just having a bad day and will get over it.

[egoldber]

Amy does not nap. And she wakes for the day at 6 am.

[Georgia]

I usually assume that if bedtime happens somewhere else or with someone else other than us that it won't go exactly as planned. So I wouldn't be upset. I figure the reason I try to keep a really tight bedtime schedule at home is so that we can roll a bit better with the occasional and inevitable disruption.

That said, is there any chance that the combination of trying to offer her Weissbluth sleep advice and then putting her child to bed at a different time than she asked is what's really bothering her? We had a very early riser here who also had an early bedtime. I received a great deal of unsolicited advice about how it was the early bedtime causing the problem--even though we had tried different bedtimes and morning started at 5am for her, no matter when she went to bed. If I'd had a discussion like that with a friend and THEN they put my child to bed later than I had requested then yes, I'd be annoyed that they were trying to test out their own theory on my child.

Could your friend have thought that you put her child to bed earlier because that's what Weissbluth recommends? It's a bit of a stretch, but definitely one I could have made in my most sleep-deprived days.

[Globetrotter]

To be honest, if I have a friend or a family member watch DD1 during bedtime hours, I don't expect her to be asleep at her usual time.
Sarah :)

ITA. I'd just be happy that I had a chance to do something else without the kid!! :D I am very particular about safety issues and to some degree their diet, but otherwise I expect some variation in their routine. Then again, neither of my kids was ever scheduled, so I'm coming from that perspective.

[Wife_and_mommy]

I usually assume that if bedtime happens somewhere else or with someone else other than us that it won't go exactly as planned. So I wouldn't be upset. I figure the reason I try to keep a really tight bedtime schedule at home is so that we can roll a bit better with the occasional and inevitable disruption.

That said, is there any chance that the combination of trying to offer her Weissbluth sleep advice and then putting her child to bed at a different time than she asked is what's really bothering her? We had a very early riser here who also had an early bedtime. I received a great deal of unsolicited advice about how it was the early bedtime causing the problem--even though we had tried different bedtimes and morning started at 5am for her, no matter when she went to bed. If I'd had a discussion like that with a friend and THEN they put my child to bed later than I had requested then yes, I'd be annoyed that they were trying to test out their own theory on my child.

Could your friend have thought that you put her child to bed earlier because that's what Weissbluth recommends? It's a bit of a stretch, but definitely one I could have made in my most sleep-deprived days.

I offered the book last night after talking with her so she didn't know I was testing out my theories. I can see your point though. My kids get more sleep than hers so she probably saw it as me overstepping. Like I said, though, I had good intentions. My DS esp. has had the same issue in the past so I am sympathetic.

I put the DC to bed because they were tired(as W recommends ;) ). I had no idea she was more concerned w/ the bedtime. I'm hoping the W book will be well-received. I've recommended it to all of my friends and it's been well-received every time.

[stella]

I think that she needs to come to terms with the difference between PAYING a sitter and having someone doing you a favor (even if the favor is reciprocated). Even though I have to pay more, I far prefer to have our nanny babysit than my MIL. My MIL doesn't get the kids to bed when I want; she believes whatever they tell her ( our mom said we could have 3 popsicles each); and she doesn't clean the dishes after supper.

When I pay a sitter, I am more comfortable telling them exactly what I want done, and they usually do it. It's a trade-off, and she is out of line (IMO) being irritated with you because you put the kids to bed at the point at which you thought they were ready to go to bed.

I wouldn't give it another thought if I were you. BUt you should be prepared for her to feed your child cheetos and kool-aid next time he goes to her house.

[Wife_and_mommy]

I think that she needs to come to terms with the difference between PAYING a sitter and having someone doing you a favor (even if the favor is reciprocated). Even though I have to pay more, I far prefer to have our nanny babysit than my MIL. My MIL doesn't get the kids to bed when I want; she believes whatever they tell her ( our mom said we could have 3 popsicles each); and she doesn't clean the dishes after supper.

When I pay a sitter, I am more comfortable telling them exactly what I want done, and they usually do it. It's a trade-off, and she is out of line (IMO) being irritated with you because you put the kids to bed at the point at which you thought they were ready to go to bed.

I wouldn't give it another thought if I were you. BUt you should be prepared for her to feed your child cheetos and kool-aid next time he goes to her house.

LOL Thanks.

[Wife_and_mommy]

The DC was up a bit after 6 a.m. She said he usually wakes up at 6:30(she's told me 5 a.m. more than a few times:confused: . Didn't want to question her since it's NOMB).

Anyway, she reiterated that the DC be put down at 8:30. This sucks for me but I'll follow her instructions more closely now that I know it's so important to her.

[kijip]

For friends we are close enough to swap sitting with, we just tacitly agree that house rules prevail. So T has to take a bath with his friend before bed, gets to drink juice and eat PB&J if the kids don't want to eat the dinner and play outside in the yard alone and go to bed later. And when same buddy comes here, buddy has to brush teeth before bed with T, go to bed earlier, no sandwiches in lieu of dinner, eat dessert even they don't eat dinner etc. In other words, each of us enforces different rules and house norms. It works a-ok.

I could understand her being upset if her kid was waking up in the middle of the night, but for 1/2 hour difference, I think she should have let it drop.

[MamaKath]

For friends we are close enough to swap sitting with, we just tacitly agree that house rules prevail. So T has to take a bath with his friend before bed, gets to drink juice and eat PB&J if the kids don't want to eat the dinner and play outside in the yard alone and go to bed later. And when same buddy comes here, buddy has to brush teeth before bed with T, go to bed earlier, no sandwiches in lieu of dinner, eat dessert even they don't eat dinner etc. In other words, each of us enforces different rules and house norms. It works a-ok.

I could understand her being upset if her kid was waking up in the middle of the night, but for 1/2 hour difference, I think she should have let it drop.

:yeahthat: What she said!

[bubbaray]

Um, why are you babysitting for someone that doesn't appreciate it/criticizes you?

Like Asianmommy, if I had someone willing to babysit for me, I don't think I'd criticize them on something like an earlier bedtime. Especially if the child didn't wake up earlier!

FTR, my girls are both up for the day at 6am. Sometimes 5:30am. It SUCKS.

[stella]

Um, why are you babysitting for someone that doesn't appreciate it/criticizes you?

Like Asianmommy, if I had someone willing to babysit for me, I don't think I'd criticize them on something like an earlier bedtime. Especially if the child didn't wake up earlier!

FTR, my girls are both up for the day at 6am. Sometimes 5:30am. It SUCKS.

I agree with both this post and Katie's post about house rules.
The fact that she had the nerve to bring it up AGAIN would be enough for me to say something like: "since X has such a sensitive sleep situation right now, I don't feel comfortable keeping him at night anymore. I can't stand the thought of our sleep habits upsetting the balance at your house."

She has really gone too far, IMO.

How old are these little ones anyway? We have 3 children (7,6 and 1) and we would have to decline a lot of invitations if we were that rigid about sleep issues. There are always different rules at other people's houses; on weekends; on vacation, etc. Your friend sounds not adaptable in the least.

[Wife_and_mommy]

Originally Posted by bubbaray
Um, why are you babysitting for someone that doesn't appreciate it/criticizes you?

Like Asianmommy, if I had someone willing to babysit for me, I don't think I'd criticize them on something like an earlier bedtime. Especially if the child didn't wake up earlier!

FTR, my girls are both up for the day at 6am. Sometimes 5:30am. It SUCKS.


I agree with both this post and Katie's post about house rules.
The fact that she had the nerve to bring it up AGAIN would be enough for me to say something like: "since X has such a sensitive sleep situation right now, I don't feel comfortable keeping him at night anymore. I can't stand the thought of our sleep habits upsetting the balance at your house."

She has really gone too far, IMO.

How old are these little ones anyway? We have 3 children (7,6 and 1) and we would have to decline a lot of invitations if we were that rigid about sleep issues. There are always different rules at other people's houses; on weekends; on vacation, etc. Your friend sounds not adaptable in the least.

Melissa, I do it because in return she watches my kids! It's been a great arrangement that recently includes us moms getting a morning to ourselves so it's pretty sweet even with this latest snafu. I'm not one to hold a grudge so I've accepted she's particular about this. She has yet to find out what a car safety fanatic I am.

Stella, I brought it up then felt like she was needing to explain herself about it which is not the case at all. I don't explain my parenting to others so it felt wrong to me that she felt she needed to. Knowing her I'm sure she didn't like it either.

FTR, I was at her house with her DC. I was sure I'd get lambasted on here for not doing as she asked. ;)