Does your 3yo do this? (sorry long)

[gatorsmom]

This would be a bpost thread but I need help. For the past month, Cha Cha has had a hard time deciding things like what to wear, what to eat for lunch or even just what color marker to use on a picture. But for the past week it has gotten out of control. In the morning I will bring out clothes for him to wear and he always shoots them down. Normally he'll say, "no, I wantt to wear this other outfit." But for the past week I'll have to go through every shirt in his closet to find the one he wants. It's never the same. Then, he'll say, "yeah, I want that one," and when I go to help him put it on he says, "NO! not THAT one!" And we start all over again. This can go on for a half hour. Then we start the breakfast game.

I've tried all different tactics to deal with this. Man that kid is smart. I tried the "I'm counting to 5 and if you don't pick out a shirt that you want to wear then I'm walking away and you'll have to get dressed by yourself." But he just has a meltdown. Today I let him meltdown for 5 minutes and explained to him I'd help him dress as soon as he chose his outfit. He said, "no, YOU choose the outfit." And when I tried to help him it was the same game again. He didn't want what I chose and then he didn't want what HE chose. So I told him I wasn't helping him til HE chose the outfit. And he melted down again. I stuck to my word for an hour before he finally agreed on pants. Still no shirt, though.

It's the same way with lunch. At one point yesterday after making chicken nuggets, leftover spaghettios and a bowl of cheerios (all of which he said he wanted and then refused), I said, "I'm not making anything else. If you want to eat, at some point you'll eat one of these." I'm not kidding the food sat there for 4 hours (before I made dinner) and he didn't touch it. He was just grumpy and melted down all afternoon. I tried to ignore it but it's pretty hard when he's hanging on your leg for pulling on your shirt for hours!

The truth is, he's wearing me down. The only reason I let him go without dressing for hours is because he didn't have preschool yesterday. But we can't go through this on school days. I don't have enough time. I don't think he's sick- he has no symptoms and he;s usually very vocal about not feeling well. He's not like this for his teacher at school or the babysitter who comes to help me a few days per week. It's just me and DH. I don't get it.

I've tried using humor and making it fun, I've tried the drill sargeant routine. I am usually very consistent about sticking to my word but I don't get it. Is he trying to see how far I'll go before I give in to him? Because I don't usually. Sometimes I"ll renegotiate but I never just give in. Andhe's smart enough to see me behave that way with his older brother too. i don't give in.

Anyone else going through this? Because I'm sooooo done. I just don't have time to play these games all day long. HELP!

[egoldber]

Three is a time when kids are starting to realize they have some power and autonomy to make decisions for themselves. But sometimes those decisions are just too overwhelming for them. Perhaps instead of saying "pick a shirt" if you say "Today you can wear the red short or the yellow one. Which one?" So giving choices, but limiting them.

And I've never had to get that far, but letting him go to preschool in his PJs is not the end of the world and I guarantee he wouldn't be the first kid to do it. ;)

[megs4413]

we went through something similar with DD a few months ago (she's 3.5), so maybe it's just the age?

We got the advice to limit the choices to make it easier and that worked well for us. she'll still have her moments when NONE of the options we offer satisfy her, but she can't come up with a decision on her own and she has meltdown, but it's not daily anymore (maybe once a week). from what i understand, they're learning to exert control over their circumstances and sometimes that "power" is overwhelming for them. my DD is very sensitive, is your DS sensitive as well?

hang in there!

[gatorsmom]

Three is a time when kids are starting to realize they have some power and autonomy to make decisions for themselves. But sometimes those decisions are just too overwhelming for them. Perhaps instead of saying "pick a shirt" if you say "Today you can wear the red short or the yellow one. Which one?" So giving choices, but limiting them.

And I've never had to get that far, but letting him go to preschool in his PJs is not the end of the world and I guarantee he wouldn't be the first kid to do it. ;)

What you said about having power and autonomy makes total sense. I've tried limiting his choices to a couple of things. I've tried everyhthing. It really makes me crazy when he chooses the outfit and we go to put it on him-all the while I"m confirming what a great choice he's made- and he shoots it down. grrr..

As for going to school in pjs, I"m afraid if I let him do it once, he'd live in the same pjs. ALL THE TIME. Because he's already begged to do that and I"m not sure how i"ve managed to convince him not too.

[gatorsmom]

we went through something similar with DD a few months ago (she's 3.5), so maybe it's just the age?

We got the advice to limit the choices to make it easier and that worked well for us. she'll still have her moments when NONE of the options we offer satisfy her, but she can't come up with a decision on her own and she has meltdown, but it's not daily anymore (maybe once a week). from what i understand, they're learning to exert control over their circumstances and sometimes that "power" is overwhelming for them. my DD is very sensitive, is your DS sensitive as well?

hang in there!

DS is VERY sensitive. I'll just keep trying.... Good to know there's light at the end of this tunnel.

[Fairy]

Lisa, my DS is going thru a flavor of this, as well. just turned 4, and he will do the same thing with, "I don't want that outfit! I want THIS on." Then I go to help him get dressed and he says "NO! NOT THAT ONE!" Your post was very very familiar, tho he usually succumbs and calms down after a few minutes. For me, the food is alot harder. He only wants the same three things, and he refuses to try anything new, and sometimes I'll start dinenr, and he changes his mind when it's too late.

We don't seem to have the extent of challenge that you have, but we are there, too. So, I'm looking forward to seeing more replies in this thread.

And the we can't go thru this on school days cuz we just don't have time thing? I HEAR YA! Just today I started my conference call with him in the car. Talk about getting creative . . .

[Ceepa]

Chiming in to say yesterday DS was melting down about everything before school. I contemplated letting him go to school half-dressed with no breakfast but then thought that the teachers would catch the brunt of it and I didn't feel comfortable with his trying to get through an already tough morning without food in his stomach. I really didn't know what to do and ended up giving him space and time to calm down enough to understand when I explained the consequences of his being so late: He had to eat a quick breakfast of what I gave him (no choices), wearing what I put out for him (no choices) and he might miss part of his school day (he likes being on time). Sometimes this scenario sets off another round of hysterics, this time it didn't.

Hang in there. 3 is tough. Simple choices worked wonders for us!

[o_mom]

Yep, that's being three. My 3yo is the same way and DS1 was like that at that age. I will say that three is not my favorite age, by far.

[Tondi G]

I would get one of those daily clothes organizer things... put out 7 outfits, one for each day. If he wants to CHOOSE then he can choose from one of the daily outfits but thats it! You need to limit the choices... and he cannot go into his drawers of additional clothes!

AS far as food goes I would make the decision yourself. If he doesn't want that then he can have ONE alternative. If he doesn't eat then he will just have to be hungry till the next meal. A few days of not eating and being grumpy I'll bet he'll change his tune. You just have to stay firm and stick with it. you can't give in!

Good luck
~Tondi

[HIU8]

This sounds like my son. Only he was easier to handle. We went through a period where limiting his choices was not working, so he would go through all his shirts and put one on and decide he didn't want it etc... We started having him pick out his outfit the night before and hang it on his door. When he gets up in the morning he has his outfit all ready--no time deciding etc. He took really well to this and things have clicked and have been working well. Now, if I could only get my 16 month old into this pattern (she has already started telling me what she will and won't wear!).

[mamicka]

Yup, we went through this & we're on the tail-end. It still happens, but not as much & not as intense. Honestly, I'd let him go to school in his PJs. Tell the teachers why so that they understand what's going on. You could explain to him the night before what's happened the next morning & just play it really cool. Give him 2 choices of what to wear & if he doesn't choose then you choose right before its time to leave. You grab his clothes & put him in the car - drive to school & either dress him at school before you leave or just let him go in his PJs & leave the clothes for when he decides to get dressed. They may have their own set of rules (can't come into class unless you're dress or something) that may help. Or maybe they'd just be understanding & it'd only happen a few times. When Calvin was going through this, he had to go outside a few times without his coat because he was putting-up a fuss & resisting. It really only happened twice. Now he gets it. He still grumbles, but he remembers that he was cold when he didn't have his coat & that's motivation enough.

I know its tough no matter how you go about it. My suggestion may be too tough with the twins in tow. Good luck & hang in there!

[egoldber]

If he doesn't eat then he will just have to be hungry till the next meal. A few days of not eating and being grumpy I'll bet he'll change his tune. You just have to stay firm and stick with it. you can't give in!

Personally, I wouldn't recommend this. IME low blood sugar can really exacerbate these issues. That's why not eating breakfast in the morning can just send kids over the top.

I finally learned with Amy (even though she's barely 2 so heaven help me when she's 3....) that I need to give her milk or juice or something as soon as she wakes up or else her blood sugar just plummets and then she's totally unmanageable.

[kellij]

I'm in trouble. DD is two and a half and is already doing this! This morning she threw a fit about the clothes I was trying to put on her and she wanted to wear butterflies. Her butterfly dress is a summer dress so there was no way. She was not happy.

I dropped it and then when she was distracted by eating breakfast I put it on her head. She fought about it for a minute, but she gave in. I general, it seems to work pretty well to give her two choices and let her pick between the two. That way she feels like she's got a little bit of control, but she's not overwhelmed by options.

With the food, my DS totally does this. He is a horrible eater. I usually ask what he wants and if chooses, then great. Otherwise, I pick something and if he doesn't eat it's just too bad. He usually eventually asks for something. I just think it's so hard as it is, fixing food for him, then usually something different for DH and me and sometimes something for DD too.

Anyway, I hear you, it is totally exhausting. Especially with whining to go along.

Could he be tired? It sounds like he's tired or not feeling great too. I know when mine are tired/hungry/a little sick all of the whiny, annoying behaviors get so much worse.

[Tondi G]

Personally, I wouldn't recommend this. IME low blood sugar can really exacerbate these issues. That's why not eating breakfast in the morning can just send kids over the top.

I finally learned with Amy (even though she's barely 2 so heaven help me when she's 3....) that I need to give her milk or juice or something as soon as she wakes up or else her blood sugar just plummets and then she's totally unmanageable.

I agree with you but in her initial post she said she had 3 options on the table for him and he still wouldn't eat it.... they sat there for 4 hours! If he won't eat you can't force him, but he will eat if he is hungry enough! If she just backs off and doesn't make a big deal out of it... says "here is your food, eat it or don't" eventually he will realize it isn't worth fighting about it cause it isn't getting a reaction from mommy!

[cono0507]

My son is doing this. Some mornings I can't believe how long it takes to have him dressed. Lately he also refuses to put his own shoes on (which he does indeed know how to do). That's a different issue - with the shoes, he's wanting to be a baby like his sister, but with the getting dressed, it is like you describe, refusing outfit after outift, melting down and laying on the floor of his room naked and unable to choose and unwilling to accept my suggestions.

I just made up a new sticker chart this morning, actually, with columns for getting himself dressed before breakfast and for putting on his shoes. I've found that when we have battles like this, it puts the ball in his court and he feels motivated to do whatever the task might be on the chart (in the past we used it for bedtime battles when he refused to stay in bed - he'd get a sticker in the morning after staying in bed).

Anyhow, I'm interested to hear what works for you. We are just getting the sticker chart going this time. Hopefully it works.

[egoldber]

If he won't eat you can't force him, but he will eat if he is hungry enough! If she just backs off and doesn't make a big deal out of it... says "here is your food, eat it or don't" eventually he will realize it isn't worth fighting about it cause it isn't getting a reaction from mommy!

Not trying to be argumentative, just pointing out that when my kids blood sugar starts to crash, then they often refuse food, when I KNOW what they need is to eat. It starts a cycle where they are crabby, then refuse food, which makes them crankier, etc. So breaking that cycle can be important to stopping the behavior before it escalates.

It happens to me too. I'm hungry, but I'm too cranky to decide what to eat and then I get hungier and crankier and finally DH gets exasperated with me and slaps some cheese and crackers in front of me and says "Eat this!!!" But I'm not 3, so I don't have a tantrum and bang my head on the floor. ;)

[MamaMolly]

-all the while I"m confirming what a great choice he's made- and he shoots it down. grrr..

Your DS sounds like DD and she's only 2! For us it can be a lethal combination of too many choices, too much attention and a power struggle all rolled into one. In your statement above, coupled with him going through his whole closet plus having 3 choices of food sounds like something very similar.

By confirming that he's made a great choice it kind of takes his power away. Like he's pleased you so he's done what you want. You might need to back off a bit. It really helped DD for me to give her no options or only 2 options for clothes, little or no options for food (she's VERY picky and it has helped broaden her palate), and no running commentary on her performance.

Plus you need a break! You can make yourself nuts catering to the endless unappeasability of a 3yo. I think *some* choices are vital for a little one to develop in a healthy way. Too many can backfire. I also don't think it sets a good precedent for going forward in life. What would you say about a 6, 16 or 36 year old who did this? While it is normal for a 3yo to do this, you don't want to reinforce it by giving DS's negative behaviors hours of your attention.

IIWY I'd cut way back on the choices and act like what he decided is no big deal. Not good, not bad, just DONE. ;)

Big hugs!

[hillview]

DS is 3 -- we have this issue ...

Sometimes it helps if DH does it. That is all I can offer up.
/hillary

[kransden]

My dd wasn't as bad. I would have her pick out her clothes the night before when all was right with the world. The next morning that was what she would wear, and I wouldn't let her deviate from it. We struggled for a few days, then she got over it, when she realized I wouldn't give in.

[s7714]

My 3 year old does that on some things, and it's much more pronounced if she's tired or hungry. I agree it is a major power struggle issue.

[AngelaS]

My second child went thru a stage like this. I got to the point that I would hold up only two choices. She had until the count of five to pick and if she didn't pick, I would and that was that.

Tantrums are not allowed here. Period. If you'd like to scream and pitch a fit, you may do so on your bed and the rest of us will go downstairs and make sure to do something loud and fun, just to make our point. My girls really don't throw tantrums after about the first or second one.