Gymnastics class drama- am I being a hover mother?

[JTsMom]

I debated putting this in the BP, but I don't want to complain about it so much as I want to see what you all think...

On the rec of Jason's OT, I signed him up for gymnastics. We did trial classes at 2 places, I chose the one that I thought would be the better match, and we had our first "official" class on Monday. The teacher seemed nice, and used several techniques to keep the kids focused, and the class fun.

Jason is really active. He's also never been in an organized activity alone (we've done mommy and me stuff, but it was quite a while ago). On top of those 2 things, he has a mild language delay, sensory issues, and who knows what else going on. The idea of "sit here, stay with the group, and only do the activity we are on" is pretty foreign to him. I brought up all of these concerns when I signed him up, and they assured me it would be fine.


So, having said all that, here's what happened at class on Monday. Jason started off well. He was excited to be there, but he was following the rules. Another boy, who was about the same age, and almost identical temperment-wise was new to the class also. That boy started running around, not listening, etc. Jason started to follow him, and do the same things. The teacher, who is also the owner, did a pretty good job of pulling them back to the group at first. FWIW, the other 2 students were girls who stayed 100% on task, one of whom was at least a year older than the others.

As the class continued, the teacher got increasingly frustrated with both boys, but especially the other boy. Transition times seemed to be where the biggest problems were occuring. At one point, I saw him roughly grab the other boy, and kind of swung him around really harshly, and made him sit on a bench in time-out, which he set him on really hard. My mouth dropped open, and I looked to the other mother to see her reaction, but I'm not sure she even saw it happen.

Maybe 15 mins later he grabbed both boys by the arm, and roughly sat them on a mat where he was explaining the next activity.

I didn't say anything after the class, b/c I kept thinking I must have overreacted. Jason didn't cry, but I could tell he was nervous afterwards. DH and I talked about it, and we both feel like we should pull him out of the class.

So, what do you all think? I just feel like "If this is how he treats kids when the parents are there, what would happen if I turned my back?" I can understand getting frustrated in that situation, but I can't see a professional treating kids like that after less than an hour! Plus, I don't want his first independent experience to be a negative one. Am I being a hover mother? You can be honest, really.

[elephantmeg]

at least talk with the teacher. That is unacceptable IMHO

[brittone2]

Not overreacting at all. This doesn't sound like someone experienced w/ working with small children.

Are they aware of Jason's sensory stuff/language delay?

This may not be a good fit, unfortunately. I'd definitely discuss with the teacher. Perhaps you can arrange it so that if he feels the need for there to be intervention, you can step in and take care of your DS. I'd make it clear that you are not okay with handling the children that way. YOu know what you saw.

[C99]

Are you hovering? Should you pull your kid from this class? The answer to both of these questions is YES.

[JTsMom]

Yes, he definitely knew about the sensory/language and cardiac issues. Maybe I'm just a wimp, but I can not even picutre how a discussion with the teacher would go. I was planning on having DH call. (Insert bag over head smiley here)

How do you say to someone, "I saw you jerking kids around by the arm and plunking them down really forcefully. Do you mind not doing that anymore?" And if I did have that convo, what would be the benefit- kwim? It's not like this is the only gymnastics class out there. I've been going over it and over it since it happened, and I came to the conclusion that if I were watching the situation from neutral p.o.v., I would tell another mother to pull her child, so I don't know why I feel at all conflicted about it.... Maybe because it just seemed so out there that someone would do that when he knew the parents were watching? I think the glass is one-way glass though, so maybe he didn't know I was watching?

[JustMe]

I would pull your ds. I think being physically rough with kids is just not acceptable in any situation. I would not even bother to try to work this one out, but rather search for a different program. If he had imposed some sort of consequence you didn't agree with, etc, I might try to work it out but the physical part is different, imho.

[ha98ed14]

It doesn't really matter if he knew you were watching. He did what he did. Personally, unless your DS was in danger of hurting another child or himself, there is no good reason to forcefully handle him. I know in gymnastics, there are times when you have someone spot you, so it is not reasonable to have the expectation that "no one will touch my child" , but that is clearly not the situation here. It sounds to me like you know what you want to do (pull him) but maybe are trying to give the instructor the benefit of the doubt because he sounded like he would be a good fit when you discussed DS's issues with him. But just because he understood your DS's issues does not mean he has the patience to deal with them. JMHO.

[JTsMom]

It doesn't really matter if he knew you were watching. He did what he did. Personally, unless your DS was in danger of hurting another child or himself, there is no good reason to forcefully handle him. I know in gymnastics, there are times when you have someone spot you, so it is not reasonable to have the expectation that "no one will touch my child" , but that is clearly not the situation here. It sounds to me like you know what you want to do (pull him) but maybe are trying to give the instructor the benefit of the doubt because he sounded like he would be a good fit when you discussed DS's issues with him. But just because he understood your DS's issues does not mean he has the patience to deal with them. JMHO.

You know, the touching thing crossed my mind too- funny you should bring that up. I think I tried to justify what I saw in every way I could, but it's not happening. I just keep coming back to how my reaction to him grabbing the other boy was pretty strong too- so it's not like it was just me being overprotective of my own child.

And you're right, I do know what I want to do. Hashing it out here a little has helped though. I guess I just needed someone to tell me I'm not being "that" mom.

[gatorsmom]

The teacher's behavior is absolutely unacceptable. I had Gator in a gymnastics class at 2.5yo and Cha Cha was in one this summer (he had just turned 3yo). The teacher was a gymnast and has been teaching this class for ages. It was a class that required the parents be in the class with the kids.
The teacher warned us parents that children this age don't listen well. She said we should just try to get them to sit as much as we can while she is explaining activities, that she'd make her explanations as simple as possible and that we shouldn't expect too much from our children. She was right. Both of my boys just could not sit still. They wanted to climb on the equipment and play everytime she was talking. And I noticed that the little girls mostly were able to sit still. It was always the boys that acted out. She said it happens every 3yo class she's ever taught and that's why the parents are involved in the activities. The purpose of the class is for the children to have fun and spark an interest in continuing on with gymnastics.

I'd call to complain, demand my money back for being misled initially and put him somewhere where he has fun. AND I'd ask that other little boys' mother if she saw her son being jerked around by the coach. Hearing that stuff just makes me ill.


ETA that they probably told you what you wanted to hear about them taking your sons health concerns into consideration just to get the business. I'd definitely ask for my money back.

[elaineandmichaelsmommy]

dd took two rounds of ballet classes at the Y over the summer and never once did the teacher lay a hand on any of the girls. And this was a class for children 2 1/2 to 6 with 4-6 girls in it depending on the week.

I'm just saying....

[citymama]

Yikes. That is NOT okay. And your instincts are right, IMO; if that's what happens when you're in the classroom, what happens when you're not? Talk to him and his supervisor ASAP. This doesn't sound like a good fit for your son. And honestly, I would want to know if another parent had witnessed something like this at a class my kid was in, so if there's a discreet way to let other parents know, consider doing so. Sounds like they need an additional instructor, as this guy may have been at his wit's end and lacking the space/skills to handle the situation more maturely/professionally. And/or that parents need to be part of the class on a regular basis.

[KBecks]

I wouldn't be comfortable with it, although other parents may not find it problematic. I would look for another activity and possibly look at Tae Kwon Do, which I have heard is awesome for active boys.

I am ok w a time out and some physical contact, but rough handling is not ok

[bethie_73]

You should pull him. You are not overreacting, and its you job as a parent to hover some :D

We do soccer (which is totally different, I know) DS is 2.5 and the class is technically for 3-4 yr olds. There are mostly boys in the class, and they do act out and have some issues with sitting and listening :ROTFLMAO:(you should see it ) I have NEVER seen the teacher touch the kids. We are right there, but still. He has needed to do a little timeout and talk to kids when they push etc. But I would be PRETTY upset if I saw some one grab my son. Heck when the boys have scrabbles I get upset, even though the teachers are good with dealing with it.

[MamaMolly]

Another vote for pulling DS out of the class and finding a better fit. I teach in a music program for little ones and 3 year olds are the runners in the class. Sometimes it is a girl, more often I see it in the boys. It just has to do with the age. That being said, I think that this teacher has unrealistic expectations of a 3 year olds behavior. What your son is doing is age and developmentally appropriate, what the teacher did is NOT.

Unless your son or someone else was in immediate danger, then the teacher had no business touching them in a rough way. I personally don't mind someone touching DD to re-direct her, but then there are plenty of ways to redirect him that don't involve rough handling.

Your mama warning bells went off, and you should listen.

[megs4413]

I'd pull him out,but i'm a hovering overreacter, so i'm not the best person to ask. :)

[miki]

Pull him out. That is not ok. DD has taken gymnastics class for a number of years at a local place that is known for their competitive program. No instructor EVER manhandles a child and I have watched every one of her classes. The only times I have ever seen an instructor touch a child is to spot or to comfort if there is a fall.

DD's gym has a few classes that are boys only. They are run differently with a little less sit-and-wait time. Perhaps see if one is offered near you. Good luck.

[mommy111]

My DD had similar issues in school-organized gym class. I was not there. From what I get from her, she was running around. Teacher pulled her by the arm and poked her in the stomach (not rough from what I get but just kinda, 'you have a timeout, you sit down, touching her when he said the you) My daughter HUGELY objected (I even posted about it here and was roundly grilled for not being a supportive mom :) I appreciated the advice, though). She still has to go to gym class, but we've discussed this with her teacher and, if she is uncomfortable, we've told her its OK for her to sit on the side or skip gym and ask to be taken to the library.
In your son's situation, I would pull him and TELL them why.

[lizajane]

Yes, he definitely knew about the sensory/language and cardiac issues. Maybe I'm just a wimp, but I can not even picutre how a discussion with the teacher would go. I was planning on having DH call. (Insert bag over head smiley here)

How do you say to someone, "I saw you jerking kids around by the arm and plunking them down really forcefully. Do you mind not doing that anymore?" And if I did have that convo, what would be the benefit- kwim? It's not like this is the only gymnastics class out there. I've been going over it and over it since it happened, and I came to the conclusion that if I were watching the situation from neutral p.o.v., I would tell another mother to pull her child, so I don't know why I feel at all conflicted about it.... Maybe because it just seemed so out there that someone would do that when he knew the parents were watching? I think the glass is one-way glass though, so maybe he didn't know I was watching?

here is how my script might go:

when i signed up for this class, i made sure the employees were aware of my son's specific needs and challenges and they assured me that this class would still be appropriate for him. i understand how challenging it is to keep active kids engaged and that they can distract other children. however, i was uncomforable with the way you physically restrained the children and roughly sat them down. it can be hard to be creative and find ways to keep them under control, especially when there are two of them, but using force is never acceptable with any child and especially not with MY child who already has a unique situation. i hope you can assure me that this was a one time event and that in the future, you will not use your hands or your strength to control undesired behavior in class but instead, use your voice or ask a parent for help. if you cannot, i am afraid i will have to find another gymnastics class for my child.

[Tondi G]

not ok... I would pull my child and be getting a refund. My DS started Tae Kwon Do at age 5 and he was a little wild and unfocused. He too had another little boy start the same day and the two of them fed off of each other.... goofing around etc. Never once was my child handled roughly.... they separated the boys, got them focused on the next thing. Not once has anyone ever touched my child in a way that I didn't approve of. He's now been in TKD for 1.5 years and we have been SOOO happy! I highly recommend TKD if you haven't considered it... it has been a wonderful thing for our family and our ACTIVE boys!

[irie i]

I taught dance classes to little ones for 4 years. YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG. I don't believe that the teacher acted appropriately. Trust me I can understand being frustrated...I have been there...but it is unacceptable for him to put his hands on the children harshly.

When I taught dance/gym we NEVER allowed the parents to be in the studio. You would be surprised at how much this helps to eliminate some children's bad behavior. Parents could still watch through a window but the children could not see them.

When their parents aren't around they do tend to follow the rest of the pack and do as they are told...but every now and again of course there were children who misbehaved because they were overactive, not interested or otherwise not focused.

As a general rule children under the age of 7 HAD to be accompanied by a parent or a responsible representative of the family. When they did misbehave we tried to refocus them once, threatened that they wouldn't get their cookie at the end of class the second time, and lastly we would take them out of the room and ask the parent/guardian to allow the child back in when he/she is ready to rejoin the class. Most of the time the child would come back after 5-10 minutes...but sometimes they did not. Our most problematic kids were the ones who simply weren't interested in the class...eventually, most of them were pulled from the class. The others went on to act silly/misbehave during the recitals and get huge laughs...hee hee...which of course only encouraged their behavior...but that was part of the fun (shhhh!).

We NEVER EVER put our hands on the children in anger. We never picked them up. What we would do is usher them out of the room with a soft, open hand on their upper back while holding their hand with our other one. I don't think this man was in the right. If I were you I would pull my child from that class immediately and find somewhere more fitting with more patient and understanding teachers. Being a part of something like this can potentially do wonders for the issues you say he has...but this teacher isn't going to make things any better for him. You may even try a larger class. I have noticed that children tend to "follow the herd" better when there are more children in the class.

[Edensmum]

Yes, he definitely knew about the sensory/language and cardiac issues. Maybe I'm just a wimp, but I can not even picutre how a discussion with the teacher would go. I was planning on having DH call. (Insert bag over head smiley here)

How do you say to someone, "I saw you jerking kids around by the arm and plunking them down really forcefully. Do you mind not doing that anymore?" And if I did have that convo, what would be the benefit- kwim? It's not like this is the only gymnastics class out there. I've been going over it and over it since it happened, and I came to the conclusion that if I were watching the situation from neutral p.o.v., I would tell another mother to pull her child, so I don't know why I feel at all conflicted about it.... Maybe because it just seemed so out there that someone would do that when he knew the parents were watching? I think the glass is one-way glass though, so maybe he didn't know I was watching?

I see nothing at all wrong with saying that "I talked to you guys ahead of time about DS's issues and despite being assured that he would be treated properly, in the first class I see you roughly handling the boys when they start doing exactly what I told you to expect. Do you have better techniques for dealing with unfocused students? Because I find the rough physical handling totally unacceptable, and if this is the norm here I expect a full refund and will not be coming back. You are not to put your hands on my child other than to guide or spot them in practice, not in a disciplinary way. Period."
You are the mom, stand up for your child. It's good to have him see you doing so. This is not a gray area, physically rough handling in a recreational class is absurd.