UPDATE The "no gift" birthday party

[firsttimemama]

**Update: We are having 2 parties. 1 family party (where gifts are OK.) 1 friends party - we're calling it a "playgroup" and we put "no gifts please!" on the Evite. It seems to have been well received.***


DS turns 1 in one month.
DH & I have been thinking of putting no gifts on the invite.
What do you think of this?
Would you write
no gifts necessary
gifts optional
no gifts, thank you

DH thinks some people will still bring gifts & I don't want to make the people who didn't feel awkward. Any suggestions for handling this?
Would a book swap (bring wrapped new/used book - each kid gets one) avoid the "some people still bring gifts" or would those people just bring book + gift?

[egoldber]

no gifts, thank you

I always wrote "no gifts, please". Some people ignored it (which irritated me) and I always reassured those who honored my request.

[brittone2]

A lot of our friends have moved to no gifts parties. Depending on your circle of friends/family, it may not go over well. In those cases, I think sometimes it helps people to have *something* to bring.

Since it is almost the holiday season, I'd consider suggesting bringing a gift to donate to Toys For Tots (or a similar group) in lieu of a gift for your DC.

I've also been to bday parties where the parents politely requested no gifts, but if you feel the need, please bring a donation of dog/cat food, cat litter, etc. for a local animal shelter (DC was an animal lover).

We've also been invited to a book swap party and another party where there was a musical entertainer coming and they suggested everyone bring a musical instrument to swap. If there are a lot of kids coming, this might be a fun idea. DS's 1st bday party was mostly adults so it wouldn't have worked well, but if you anticipate a lot of kids coming, some sort of swap might be nice (or just go with something like Toys for Tots).

I'm sure someone here will have some great ideas for wording "no gifts" as politely as possible :) I'm blanking on a better way to say it, but I know I've seen some nicely written requests for no gifts posted around here before.

[jk3]

All of the phrases sound fine. I'm guilty of always ignoring that request though no matter how it's worded. For a one year old, I might follow the request but for older kids I tend not to since I know they probably want a gift even if their parents don't.

[firsttimemama]

I actually wouldn't mind gifts though he doesn't really need them. I guess I'm ambivalent? But no gifts seems to be the way for about 1/2 my friends.. and not the other half. I'm sort of trying to respond to the "no gifts" pressure

anyone else going through this?

[Twoboos]

We are trying to "no gifts" party this year, for DD1's 5th bday party, this Sunday. I think I said something like, "Instead of a gift, since the holidays are approaching please consider bringing a donation for [our local] food bank." We'll see how it goes!

A friend who did something similar said she got about a 50/50 split between donations and people who brought gifts anyways.

[Fairy]

I wouldn't do a no-gifts party for my child, but I would for an adult. But if you want to, you can always go with something that acknowledges the unease the guest might feel upon reading that and diffuse it with some humor? Like:

"No gifts please. REALLY!"
"No gifts, just you! And a hug!"
"No gifts. Ok, maybe a latte. Haha. Except, really, please no gifts."

That's very much something I would do, as it's acknowledgign that it may be "weird" to them, but that we really mean it, and using a bit of humor to alleviate the weirdness to say it.

Hope that helps.

[Ceepa]

I'm guilty of always ignoring that request though no matter how it's worded. For a one year old, I might follow the request but for older kids I tend not to since I know they probably want a gift even if their parents don't.

What if the parents spent time discussing this with their child beforehand and are working towards shifting their kids' way of thinking about birthday parties and gifts? I understand people sometimes feel awkward not showing up with a gift, but please keep in mind that this may be a family decision.

[brittone2]

What if the parents spent time discussing this with their child beforehand and are working towards shifting their kids' way of thinking about birthday parties and gifts? I understand people sometimes feel awkward not showing up with a gift, but please keep in mind that this may be a family decision.

ITA. DS would be fine w/ a no gifts party, but we have yet to do a big party other than his 1st bday (and we didn't request no gifts for that). Each year I've given him the choice of a party with friends, etc. or just family, and he usually just picks having the grandparents/family over.

I can see why it makes some people uncomfortable to do no gifts but I also think there are families that aren't denying their kid fun by skipping gifts or doing some sort of swap/donation instead of a gift.

[pb&j]

For DS's 1st bday, which is not long after Christmas, when we sent out the invites, we said "In lieu of gifts, please give generously to your favorite charity this holiday season." We got very few gifts. :) And we even got a very nice card from someone who had given a flock of ducks in honor of DS through Heifer International. Very cool!

ETA: When we had his "babywarming" party when he was 6 wks old, we said "The only gift we request is the gift of your presence." Most didn't bring gifts, and those who did kept it very small.

[fivi2]

Well, since you asked... :) I am totally 100% AGAINST "no-gift" parties for kids. (at age 1, not such a big deal, but past that I have a problem with it). Most kids have been to birthday parties. They will wonder what they did wrong to not get gifts. It is nice that people want to teach kids about sharing and helping others, but I personally think it is better to take your kids volunteering on a regular basis, or let them pick a charity and a way to help. Or at a time, not their birthday, let them pick out toys to donate. Not to take the one holiday a year that is supposed to be for/about them and turn it into forcing them to not get gifts. JMO

As a guest at a no gift party, I feel awkward. I have brought gifts and I have not. Both feel equally awkward. I feel like I am supposed to bring *something*, but bringing a hostess gift to a child's party doesn't make any sense. Honestly it stresses me out more than just finding a gift.
I know that not everyone feels this way, and I am sure I offended someone (sorry), but that is my opinion.

If you really want to avoid gifts, then I wouldn't call it a birthday party. call it a playgroup, a holiday party, a fall fiesta, whatever. Then have dc's cake as the dessert.

Again, I know not everyone feels this way!

[overcome]

We had a book exchange instead of gifts at DD 3rd birthday party and it was AWESOME! Everyone was so excited to pick a (wrapped) book. I had some extras, just in case. It was so wonderful not to have a ton of stuff at the end of the day. And all the parents commented on how they loved the idea and had fun choosing a book.

No one (8 kids) brought a gift too. Of course DD received gifts at the family party.

I love the toys for tots idea!

If someone does bring a gift, just accept it quietly and put it in a back room to open after the party so no one feels bad about honoring your request of no gifts.

GL

[C99]

"no gifts please"

And if someone ignores you, don't open anything at the party.

[egoldber]

They will wonder what they did wrong to not get gifts.

But it's not like they will get ZERO presents. Their parents and close family will still give them gifts. Just not at the party.

But I do somewhat agree that it's harder for older kids. For Sarah we were able to successfully do no gifts until her 4th birthday. Then she totally "got" birthdays and expected presents at the party.

Now that she's 7, I really think that at her 8th birthday party we could do no gifts again. As a family we are talking about cutting down on "stuff", reducing our consumption to be good for the earth, etc. And again, it's not like she will get NOTHING for her birthday. It's just that it would be a few things from family instead of tons of presents.

[infocrazy]

I actually wouldn't mind gifts though he doesn't really need them. I guess I'm ambivalent? But no gifts seems to be the way for about 1/2 my friends.. and not the other half. I'm sort of trying to respond to the "no gifts" pressure

anyone else going through this?

In at least our circle, we have not been invited to any "no gifts" party. All the ones we have been invited to have been close friends or family members and I would ignore them regardless but wouldn't care if they chose to not open them at the party. Maybe it will change as our invite circle widens.

My only thought is that you shouldn't feel pressured not to do gifts. That's what it seems like from this post. If you want to do them you shouldn't have to feel guilty about it. There isn't anything wrong with not having a "no gifts" party.

[fivi2]

But it's not like they will get ZERO presents. Their parents and close family will still give them gifts. Just not at the party.

But I do somewhat agree that it's harder for older kids. For Sarah we were able to successfully do no gifts until her 4th birthday. Then she totally "got" birthdays and expected presents at the party.

Now that she's 7, I really think that at her 8th birthday party we could do no gifts again. As a family we are talking about cutting down on "stuff", reducing our consumption to be good for the earth, etc. And again, it's not like she will get NOTHING for her birthday. It's just that it would be a few things from family instead of tons of presents.

I know, I was perhaps a bit dramatic :) But, I am still not in favor...

I think gifts serve a purpose of "honoring" someone, expressing that they mean something to you, that you care about them. Even my two year olds enjoy picking out some gifts fpr their friends (not all of them) and express opinions about what their friends would like. Often it is what they would like for themselves, but we talk about their friends, etc. So to take that away, is to me, doing a disservice to both parties. My kids and I don't get to pick out a gift, and the recipient doesn't get to have a token of our affection. I think in many cultures, even the less materialistic ones, gifts are still given just to show that you care.

I think a separate issue is how out of hand gifts and parties have gotten. I do understand that parents feel they have to just go out and buy something and spend a certain amount and it can get out of control. I really do get that, I just wish there was a better middle ground! If it wasn't tacky to ask people to just bring something homemade, for example. Or if people didn't feel like they had to invite the whole class and could just limit it to a few close friends. And I also get why that is hard - we are having our first big party this year.

I really do understand the issue, I just wish there was a different way of solving it! Again, sorry if I offended.

[kayte]

I personally think the middle ground is no gifts at the friends party and gifts at the family celebration.

DD will be three this year and we will doing a book exchange and no other gifts again this year. Last year it was a picture book, this year since her birthday falls on the last day of George Bush's presidency--we will be having an XYZ party (what comes after W) and will be asking guests to bring an alphabet book to swap.

We also have the complication that DD's birthday is within a month after Christmas. That said we have given her one toy and one special item (first year a birthday cake knife, last year a homemade birthday banner, and this year a German birthday ring).

Honestly, there is also the difference between what people buy for your children and what you want them to have...we don't do commerical characters, electronic toys, too much plastic, etc... We have even chosen a school that aligns with these values, and think it won't be too much of an issue as DD starts having parties with fellow students. IN the meantime, I have girlfriends who think they are being cute or "even helping out our poor deprived daughter" by bringing her a barbie and the like. My family respects our philosophy even if they don't agree and wouldn't do that.

[Ceepa]

I think gifts serve a purpose of "honoring" someone, expressing that they mean something to you, that you care about them. Even my two year olds enjoy picking out some gifts fpr their friends (not all of them) and express opinions about what their friends would like. Often it is what they would like for themselves, but we talk about their friends, etc. So to take that away, is to me, doing a disservice to both parties. My kids and I don't get to pick out a gift, and the recipient doesn't get to have a token of our affection. I think in many cultures, even the less materialistic ones, gifts are still given just to show that you care.

This is a great opprtunity to teach the next generation about being thoughtful of others all year long and not just on a holiday/birthday. Maybe invite the birthday child to a special friends-theme playdate another day just sharing time together or else if your DC want to give a friend a gift have them create some art. DS has a crayon drawing from a friend of his that is one of his prized possessions. He even gave it a place of honor in his room. We look at the picture and talk about the meaning of friendship. This way you all can still offer a token of your affection.

Hope this didn't offend, I understand where you're coming from, just wanted to offer some possible alternatives.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Well, since you asked... :) I am totally 100% AGAINST "no-gift" parties for kids. (at age 1, not such a big deal, but past that I have a problem with it). Most kids have been to birthday parties. They will wonder what they did wrong to not get gifts. It is nice that people want to teach kids about sharing and helping others, but I personally think it is better to take your kids volunteering on a regular basis, or let them pick a charity and a way to help. Or at a time, not their birthday, let them pick out toys to donate. Not to take the one holiday a year that is supposed to be for/about them and turn it into forcing them to not get gifts. JMO

As a guest at a no gift party, I feel awkward. I have brought gifts and I have not. Both feel equally awkward. I feel like I am supposed to bring *something*, but bringing a hostess gift to a child's party doesn't make any sense. Honestly it stresses me out more than just finding a gift.
I know that not everyone feels this way, and I am sure I offended someone (sorry), but that is my opinion.



I feel the same way. :)

For a first birthday I don't feel as strongly about it though and would probably say "your gift is the best present" if I wanted to have a no-gift party.

Beth

[sidmand]

Yeah, I don't know what to do either. We tried the "no gifts" party and some honored our request, some didn't. Those that didn't felt awkward, those that did felt awkward. I was brought up to never open gifts at a party anyway so we didn't anyway, but I'm not sure what the answer is.

Anyone who has been to our house knows we have way too many toys/things as it is and DS doesn't care what it is (yet) and DD is way too little to care. DS is just starting to realize what a present is, but just likes the little bag it comes in!

For his last birthday I didn't say anything. I just figured we could donate the gifts after the fact and that might be the easiest way for everyone all around. I don't know if the answer is a book party (I've always liked that idea although we have lots of books too) or a donation party or what. And DS is getting to an age where he might expect presents and not yet "get" a donation instead.

[egoldber]

I think gifts serve a purpose of "honoring" someone, expressing that they mean something to you, that you care about them.

Just FYI, I am not at all offended. I just find it curious why some people care so much about the choices other people make about gifts for their own family, KWIM? I can see that about honoring someone, I just disagree that you need to give someone a present to honor them, especially when doing so disregards the host's specific request. For ME, coming to the party, sharing your time, celebrating with us and partaking of food with our family, that's honor enough.

And OP, if you DON'T want a no gifts party for whatever reason, then you shouldn't feel obliged to have one. :)

[Corie]

If you really want to avoid gifts, then I wouldn't call it a birthday party. call it a playgroup, a holiday party, a fall fiesta, whatever. Then have dc's cake as the dessert.


Personally, I think this is a great idea!!

I am also against a No-gift birthday for kids. And I will always
bring a gift to a No-gift party. I just cannot bring myself to attend
a birthday party without a gift.

[citymama]

If you really want to avoid gifts, then I wouldn't call it a birthday party. call it a playgroup, a holiday party, a fall fiesta, whatever. Then have dc's cake as the dessert.
Wait a minute, by this measure I was totally short-changed at my last three 25th birthday party celebrations! Darn it, all those cheap friends who forgot to bring gifts when I specifically invited them to a "birthday party." :32:

OK, that smilie should be :ROTFLMAO:

It's totally up to each of us to decide what kind of party to have, whether to serve carrot cake or oatmeal raisin cookies, whether to request no gifts, whether to have it in the morning or afternoon. It's cool if you don't want to go that route but to each their own.

I've never done a "no gifts" party but I respect other peoples' decisions to do it. And yes, it's hard to walk in "empty-handed" - I usually bring something to contribute to the food, or sometimes a small token gift because I can't help myself. Guests have to be respected as well, as someone may be really keen to give your DC a gift. And c'est la vie.

My mental turning point on this issue came when I was helping a friend clean up after her son's 5th birthday party - he had started to open gifts. This was an enormous party, with like 50-60 guests and an equal number of presents. Someone had given him a gift he clearly wasn't satisfied with - and he made this awful face and said loudly "that's ALL she gave me? isn't there something else? that's IT?" My friend was so embarrassed. My takeaway is that I would do my best to try and make sure this never happened with me and my kid!

[crayonblue]

For a one year old, I think it would be fine to say no gifts. Something cute like "The best present is your presence! No gifts please!"

For Carmen's birthday this year we said no gifts but please bring a dish to share but that was because we were inviting so many people. A couple of people brought gifts and we opened them later.

I tried to talk to Lauren about doing a no gifts party this year and donating her gifts to children who won't get Christmas presents. Well, by 5 years old she has been to so many parties (and had her own parties) that NO WAY was she going for that. The second DH got home for work she cried that she wasn't going to get birthday gifts this year! I think she is way too young to understand so we are going to have a normal party.

Oh and I agree that I totally feel awkward if I don't bring something to a party. So while the OP might request no gifts I would really struggle with not bringing something!!!

[lisams]

What if the parents spent time discussing this with their child beforehand and are working towards shifting their kids' way of thinking about birthday parties and gifts? I understand people sometimes feel awkward not showing up with a gift, but please keep in mind that this may be a family decision.

I think in that situation the child should also be taught to graciously accept any gifts that are given to him/her and hopefully the parents would role model that kind of behavior. I could see parents teaching their children that birthday celebrations/parties do not mean receiving tons of gifts, but if someone puts time, thought and money into bringing a gift I do think that regardless of any "rules" that were in the invite that the receiver should be appreciative. The family can decide if they want to keep it, donate it, or return it.

For no gift parties I bring a card with a $5 gift card to a book store. That way it goes in the card and no one else at the party knows there is a "gift" in there. I also just like knowing that a child can go to a bookstore and pick out a book of their own.

[Ceepa]

I think in that situation the child should also be taught to graciously accept any gifts that are given to him/her and hopefully the parents would role model that kind of behavior.

I agree. It goes hand in hand with teaching the importance of values to a child.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My mental turning point on this issue came when I was helping a friend clean up after her son's 5th birthday party - he had started to open gifts. This was an enormous party, with like 50-60 guests and an equal number of presents. Someone had given him a gift he clearly wasn't satisfied with - and he made this awful face and said loudly "that's ALL she gave me? isn't there something else? that's IT?" My friend was so embarrassed. My takeaway is that I would do my best to try and make sure this never happened with me and my kid!

There are so many ways to prep a child before the event to make sure they graciously accept the gift. This should have been done in this case. A child can be taught proper gift receiving manners. It's not that hard to do.

Beth

[lisams]

Well, since you asked... :) I am totally 100% AGAINST "no-gift" parties for kids. (at age 1, not such a big deal, but past that I have a problem with it). Most kids have been to birthday parties. They will wonder what they did wrong to not get gifts. It is nice that people want to teach kids about sharing and helping others, but I personally think it is better to take your kids volunteering on a regular basis, or let them pick a charity and a way to help. Or at a time, not their birthday, let them pick out toys to donate. Not to take the one holiday a year that is supposed to be for/about them and turn it into forcing them to not get gifts. JMO

As a guest at a no gift party, I feel awkward. I have brought gifts and I have not. Both feel equally awkward. I feel like I am supposed to bring *something*, but bringing a hostess gift to a child's party doesn't make any sense. Honestly it stresses me out more than just finding a gift.
I know that not everyone feels this way, and I am sure I offended someone (sorry), but that is my opinion.

If you really want to avoid gifts, then I wouldn't call it a birthday party. call it a playgroup, a holiday party, a fall fiesta, whatever. Then have dc's cake as the dessert.

Again, I know not everyone feels this way!

I kind of agree, especially as the child gets older. A one, two and maybe three year old most likely wouldn't even notice.

I guess for me what bothers me is that there are rules being placed upon the guest regarding gift giving - that just doesn't feel right. I do think there is some value in children learning how to graciosuly accept gifts. I know DD loves picking out the "just perfect" gift for her friend and even more so seeing her friend open it and be excited or getting a thank you card.

[srhs]

Other threads have referenced the 5 Love Languages books, so I hope it's okay to bring up here.
For some people, Gifts are how we SHOW affection. So, when we are asked not to, it's stifling.
To throw out examples, for people whose love language is:
quality time, attending the party is perfect
physical touch, a big hug will do
acts of service, helping with the party
words of affirmation, a meaningful card/conversation.

And, if Gifts is your DC's love language, you can see how they might feel if they're not allowed. If their language is quality time, they will be pumped with all the people there to celebrate with them! etc...

On the other hand, I can see how a gift would seem a PITB obligation if gifts aren't your language.

So, if someone invited me to a party with "no gifts," but I really had something I wanted to give, I would ask the parents if I could give it to the child apart from the party. Because, to those of us with this love language, we feel downright bizarre going to a celebration with nothing IN HAND.

(I don't know this offhand, but I am betting kids and their moms rarely have the same language since husbands and wives rarely do.)

eta--Having given my little speech about that, OP, it's certainly your party and you should do what you want! I was just trying to explain the perspective>

[jk3]

I kind of agree, especially as the child gets older. A one, two and maybe three year old most likely wouldn't even notice.

I guess for me what bothers me is that there are rules being placed upon the guest regarding gift giving - that just doesn't feel right. I do think there is some value in children learning how to graciosuly accept gifts. I know DD loves picking out the "just perfect" gift for her friend and even more so seeing her friend open it and be excited or getting a thank you card.


That's how I feel. We were invited to a 5 year old's party and the invite said to give a donation to the child's favorite charity but no gifts. I thought that was tacky as well since a) it was a religious charity and b) I've yet to meet such an enlightened child. We did not give to the charity but we did bring a gift: two pirate books since the little boy loves pirates.

[lisams]

I just find it curious why some people care so much about the choices other people make about gifts for their own family, KWIM?

This is how I feel when people are so strong about not wanting guests to bring gifts. If a guest chooses to bring a gift, that is their decision and how they choose to help celebrate the child's birthday. The family can decide what to do with the gift. It's nothing that keeps me up at night over, though :)

[sste]

I would like someone to give me and DS the gift of offsite storage!

[firsttimemama]

Thanks for all the thoughts. I wish I could see a "right" answer but I feel like I will offend some people no matter what I do. Argh.

I like the idea of the playgroup.. but how does that invite work? No mention of the fact that it is his birthday? What if people decline the invite and then are annoyed when they realize that's when we were celebrating his b'day? I am much more likely to turn down a playgroup invite than a b'day invite.

Some of my guests - I've just been to their parties, and brought gifts. Some of my guests will be having parties soon for their almost 1 yr olds and they are requesting no gifts.

Ugh. I considered skipping the "friends" party altogether, but his friends are the people we see day in and day out that support us. We hardly ever see our "family"

[brittone2]

I would like someone to give me and DS the gift of offsite storage!

:ROTFLMAO:So true!!

[SnuggleBuggles]

IMO a 1st b-day deserves proper celebration and hoopla so I think you should invite guests to a 1st b-day party, not a playgroup. If the guests are as close as you describe they'll know about the b-day anyway.

I have learned that you really can't please everyone so just go w/ what make you happy on this kind of thing.

Beth

[deannanb]

at one, your child isn't going to know the difference.

I like the idea of saying, instead of a gift for DC, please bring a new unwrapped gift to be donated to XXX.

[ast96]

I have tried to ask for no gifts, and it really throws people off. You could make it a book theme and say, "if you choose to bring a gift, DS would love an addition to his library!" and then make the theme of the party books (you could give out small board books as party favors -- I have found very cheap ones before). Then if you get duplicates, you can donate the books.

I had very good reasons for not wanting presents (lack of storage, kids have tons, friends didn't know the kids' likes and dislikes and were basically picking gifts out of the clear blue sky), but I finally came to the conclusion that people WANT to bring something to a party, and it casts a pall over the party to ask them not to bring gifts. Inevitably, someone does bring a gift, and then the people who actually honor your request feel like heels. After they bring them, you can always do whatever you want with the gifts, including donate them, at your discretion. But people want to bring gifts. It is easier to me not to fight it.It gives people a way to contribute to your party.

Good luck.

[egoldber]

If a guest chooses to bring a gift, that is their decision and how they choose to help celebrate the child's birthday. The family can decide what to do with the gift.

That is true. But it makes the people who did honor my request feel badly. Honestly that's the only real issue I have with people who feel like they must bring a gift to a party where no gifts was the request. If you're going to bring a gift to a no gift party, then at least do it out of sight of other guests.

[twobabes]

I didn't read through all the responses, but if you want another opinion. I think saying "no gifts please" is totally fine, even for a child's party. I don't, however, like "gifts optional", simply because gifts are truly always optional. :) I've been invited to a lot of no gifts parties, but I have to admit that I always do bring something. Usually I bring book because I figure the hosts must have too many toys already, but everyone can use another book (my opinion).
Just don't open gifts at the party and those who brought gifts/didn't bring gifts will all feel comfortable.

[JamiMac]

I kind of agree, especially as the child gets older. A one, two and maybe three year old most likely wouldn't even notice.

I guess for me what bothers me is that there are rules being placed upon the guest regarding gift giving - that just doesn't feel right. I do think there is some value in children learning how to graciosuly accept gifts. I know DD loves picking out the "just perfect" gift for her friend and even more so seeing her friend open it and be excited or getting a thank you card.

:yeahthat:

I think that it is a big assumption to think that other families would want to not bring a gift to child's party. Maybe if it was a very small party with guests that you knew very well, I can see asking them not to bring a gift, but a big party it's hard to control imo. You can always make the request, but I wouldn't expect everyone to abide by your wishes. I also can't see being irritated if someone did bring a gift. Most people feel good doing things for others, especially young children. Now for adult parties, I can understand it more.

[brittone2]

I already responded, but I wanted to say that some of our friends who have done no gifts parties/gift swaps do so because they want to be able to invite the entire preschool class, for example. But they don't want people who aren't really clsoe with them to feel obligated to bring a gift, or to think that the only reason so many people were invited were to get gifts, etc.

Just sharing a different rationale for why some people do them. We haven't BTDT yet, but that's what at least a few of my friends have mentioned.

[Piglet]

I agree! I feel that at certain ages kids are pretty oblivious (age 1-2) and at some ages can make informed decisions (age 7-ish +), but there is a middle ground where they are all about the party and the presents and the loot bags. My DS2 is in that age right now. He loves everything about birthdays from the invites to picking presents to the party to the treats. The whole thing is SO magical for him. I feel that at his age, he should get to enjoy the magic and I would hate to throw him a no-gifts party (although I would respect the wishes of a family that requested it for their child). I just sometimes feel that parents that do the no-gifts thing deny their kids the magic because they are at the point in their lives where they are surrounded by toys and clutter. This falls into the same age category as Santa and Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny fall into - why ruin it for your kid?! Beyond age 7-8, I think it is a wonderful thing to teach kids about charity and good deeds and then the idea of a no-gifts party really could evolve into a "please bring a donation to a charity" party by the child's own choice.

[lubdubdeb]

This year we began sponsoring a child through Compassion who has the same birthday as my daughter. We are obviously putting up the money at this point, but it is in the idea that it is "her" sponsored child. So for her b-day party this year (5 yrs) we asked people to bring a donation for that child instead of a gift for mine. Then we sent a check for the amount to the family (through Compassion you can make gifts directly to your specific child or family). We discussed it ahead of time and my daughter was good with this idea.

There were still a few people who brought gifts, but most brought a check for her sponsored child instead. I do think it would have been much harder for her to miss having the party, since we got to spend weeks planning her special day and she was the focus of some special attention.

Several weeks after her party, she got a thank you note from the family in El Salvador and a picture of them with the gifts she had "given" them, some new shoes and cooking pots. She was thrilled and now has that picture hanging up on her desk.

[dogmom]

Apparently some mom's live a different life than I do. Here is how my son's presense at a birthday party goes:
Tuesday:
"Oh #(*&$, x birthday party is Saturday."
"Who's X?"
"The blonde kid that goes Tuesday, he's sort of tall."
"Oh yeah"
"What time? OK, well, Eve will be taking her nap, so you stay with her, I'll take him."
"But you are working Friday night"
"I'll get 3 1/2 hour sleep before I need to go."

Satuday:
"Oh, #*($^, I didn't get a birthday present for X"
We are in the toy department at Kmart on Saturday:
"What does X like to play with," I'm quizzing a 4 yo about toy preferences, which of course results in him choosing something HE wants.
I see another Mom doing the exact same thing with her tween son, so it doesn't get better.

Later:
Go to party, kids run around and have fun, sort time to eat Pizza & cake, no gift opening. (Which i like, hate gift opening)
Recieve party bag of cheap toys which will be broken or eaten by dogs in next 7 days.

Then there is the how much do you spend on a gift question? I got 3 birthday parties in one month, do I just give the same gift? Do the parents feel like me, "Oh, no where will I find a place for that? Can I throw out X from last year?"

So much for that perfect present.

And the comment about it not being a birthday party, that is just silly. It is a party to celebrate someone's birthday, it is a birthday party.

[Sillygirl]

That's how I feel. We were invited to a 5 year old's party and the invite said to give a donation to the child's favorite charity but no gifts. I thought that was tacky as well since a) it was a religious charity and b) I've yet to meet such an enlightened child. We did not give to the charity but we did bring a gift: two pirate books since the little boy loves pirates.

Yeah, I rolled my eyes at the "favorite charity for a five year old" invitation we got once. If anyone likes Dickens, Mrs. Pardiggle in Bleak House is a perfect and really funny cariacture of such a mom - they had them back in Victorian times too!

[lovin2shop]

[QUOTE=dogmom]Apparently some mom's live a different life than I do. Here is how my son's presense at a birthday party goes:
Tuesday:
"Oh #(*&$, x birthday party is Saturday."
"Who's X?"
"The blonde kid that goes Tuesday, he's sort of tall."
"Oh yeah"
"What time? OK, well, Eve will be taking her nap, so you stay with her, I'll take him."
"But you are working Friday night"
"I'll get 3 1/2 hour sleep before I need to go."

Satuday:
"Oh, #*($^, I didn't get a birthday present for X"
We are in the toy department at Kmart on Saturday:
"What does X like to play with," I'm quizzing a 4 yo about toy preferences, which of course results in him choosing something HE wants.
I see another Mom doing the exact same thing with her tween son, so it doesn't get better.

Later:
Go to party, kids run around and have fun, sort time to eat Pizza & cake, no gift opening. (Which i like, hate gift opening)
Recieve party bag of cheap toys which will be broken or eaten by dogs in next 7 days.

QUOTE]

That is so us. "No gifts please" on the invitation is probably irrelevant to me because I generally bring them by mistake and likewise forget the gift to the regular party.

[Georgia]

That is true. But it makes the people who did honor my request feel badly. Honestly that's the only real issue I have with people who feel like they must bring a gift to a party where no gifts was the request. If you're going to bring a gift to a no gift party, then at least do it out of sight of other guests.

And unfortunately it takes only a couple times being the person who did honor the request and feeling awkward about it because of the people who didn't, to swear off ever honoring the request again.

I really liked the post above about the different ways people show love, some through giving gifts. I've never thought of that before but do find I feel extremely anxious walking into a bithday party without a gift even if instructed not to bring one. It just feels wrong, and then to have it compounded by other people who are bringing gifts, ugh. So I almost always will sneak a little something in now, especially if it's for a child.

I've wondered if there's something a host could do to ease the angst of all this. Short of shaming the gift bringers I can't think of anything, so it's not a request I would feel comfortable making.

[jammytoast]

DS is 2, and both parties have been no-gift from friends (family does give gifts). I do have a note on the invitation stating something along the lines of "We'll be taking a toy donation to the local women/children shelter, and would be happy to take donations of new toys/food/supplies that you would like to bring"

DS is involved in the donation (well, a much as a 2 yr old can be!), but we think its important to instill the importance of charity in him at a young age. At the party, we have a large box at the front door labeled "items for Sarah's House" so if people bring things, they go right in the box upon entry and that's the end of the gifts. If they don't, no big deal, but those who were in the 'I can't show up empty handed' didn't feel put out (well, I hope!)

I realize that once he gets older, the "gift want" will grow at parties, so will likely switch to a "donations for animal shelter" party or do a book/photo exchange.

[Happy 2B mommy]

DD's 1st Birthday was a 'no gifts' and the only folks who did bring a gift were DD's godparents (DH and I are godparents to their kids and they have gift parties, so they felt they needed to bring something) We thanked them and put the gift in our bedroom and opened it later, so no one felt ackward. However, we did have a family party later (on the actual day) and we did not tell family not to bring gifts.

DD's 2nd birthday party is also a no gifts party.

We did ask guests to bring a book to be donated to a local children's charity if they would like. Most guests brought a book, but not everyone. That was fine with us.

[KBecks]

Well, since you asked... :) I am totally 100% AGAINST "no-gift" parties for kids. (at age 1, not such a big deal, but past that I have a problem with it). Most kids have been to birthday parties. They will wonder what they did wrong to not get gifts. It is nice that people want to teach kids about sharing and helping others, but I personally think it is better to take your kids volunteering on a regular basis, or let them pick a charity and a way to help. Or at a time, not their birthday, let them pick out toys to donate. Not to take the one holiday a year that is supposed to be for/about them and turn it into forcing them to not get gifts. JMO

As a guest at a no gift party, I feel awkward. I have brought gifts and I have not. Both feel equally awkward. I feel like I am supposed to bring *something*, but bringing a hostess gift to a child's party doesn't make any sense. Honestly it stresses me out more than just finding a gift.
I know that not everyone feels this way, and I am sure I offended someone (sorry), but that is my opinion.

If you really want to avoid gifts, then I wouldn't call it a birthday party. call it a playgroup, a holiday party, a fall fiesta, whatever. Then have dc's cake as the dessert.

Again, I know not everyone feels this way!


This lines up with what I have come to believe and do. I very much wanted to have a no gifts party, but decided that was not the way to go -- I did not want to tell our guests what to do or not do. So if we have a birthday party, people can bring whatever they want or not.

My out is that we will not have big parties every year. This year we did just dinner with the grandparents and one set of close friends. I think we may go even smaller with just a nuclear family dinner some years.

Always with cake and balloons and party hats though!

ETA: I went to one no gifts party and did not bring a gift. The other no gifts party I went to we brought a very small gift (size and $ - one of our favorite books) and passed it quietly to one of the host parents.

[firsttimemama]

updated first post.

[Melaine]

This year we began sponsoring a child through Compassion who has the same birthday as my daughter. We are obviously putting up the money at this point, but it is in the idea that it is "her" sponsored child. So for her b-day party this year (5 yrs) we asked people to bring a donation for that child instead of a gift for mine. Then we sent a check for the amount to the family (through Compassion you can make gifts directly to your specific child or family). We discussed it ahead of time and my daughter was good with this idea.

There were still a few people who brought gifts, but most brought a check for her sponsored child instead. I do think it would have been much harder for her to miss having the party, since we got to spend weeks planning her special day and she was the focus of some special attention.

Several weeks after her party, she got a thank you note from the family in El Salvador and a picture of them with the gifts she had "given" them, some new shoes and cooking pots. She was thrilled and now has that picture hanging up on her desk.


I love this idea SO much! What a great learning experience for your little girl, and giving her the chance to help bless another family....I will remember this for the future for sure! Thanks for sharing