OT. Am I being unreasonable? Long

[CBB]

DH's brother decided to have a destination wedding in Cancun. They got their marriage license a year and a half ago. Last summer, the couple had two wedding banquets in China, in the cities where they grew up. We didn't attend either since I was expecting. They had originally planned an US wedding so that their US friends and family can attend, but BIL got a promotion and was relocated to China. Now 1.5yr later, they decided to have a destination wedding. The expenses of the Chinese banquets were paid by both sides of the parents. BIL will be paying for their Cancun wedding. DH's parents are not very well financially and were very stressed about the travel expenses. Maybe because both DH and I were raised in China and our values are a little different. When DH and I got married, we paid for our own wedding banquet in China and our wedding expenses in US because we didn't want our parents to stress over it, even though both of us were still in grad school and made barely anything. BIL and SIL are doing very well financially. His salary alone (not to mention SIL who is also a MBA) is 3x DHs and 6x both of my ILs combined. I think that the least he can do is pay for his parents' travel expenses. DH suggested that to BIL who said that he "will cover all relatives' travel expenses". Of course we would never let him pay for our expenses. Months later BIL had not purchased the plane tickets for ILs. DH asked him again. He said that he was going to use his freq flyer milage but they used it for tickets to Hawaii for their "honeymoon". I thought they already had their honeymoon since they had vacationed at the Caribbeans and many other countries that I can even keep track of over the past year. BIL finally purchased the plane tickets for ILs, but didn't mention anything about hotel expenses. We have been to Cancun and so decided to stay in an all-inclusive becasue of the kids. ILs wants to stay with us instead of Marriott where BIL is staying. DH and I ended up paying for ILs all-inclusive resort expenses which ends up more expensive than the plane tickets. On top of that, DH is going to give BIL 2G as wedding gift. BIL then asked us to buy white shoes for DH, DD and DS (since they will all be in the wedding) because "shoes in China are expensive". I know they are not more expensive than here. What's DH going to do with a pair of white shoes after the wedding? I'm pretty upset about it since BIL is so much well off financially than us and we have 2 kids. I told DH that I was upset and that he didn't need to give such a generous gift since we are already paying for IL's resort expense which is BIL's responsibility. DH kept saying that he only has 1 brother and wants to "lead by example".
Today, I got an evite for SIL's bridal shower to celebrate her "last day as a bachelorette" and only"small gifts will be accepted". She really isn't a bachelorette any more since they've been married for 1.5yrs. Would it be rude to not attend the shower and use the kids as an excuse? I don't know SIL very well. I really rather spend the time with my family. Do I need to send a gift if I'm not attending - I feel that we've spent enough for their wedding (over $6000 including our and IL's expenses and gift). We have been to Cancun and are not planning to go if it weren't for the wedding. Am I being too unreasonable for being upset about the situation? What would you do?

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading if you have made to this far.

[elephantmeg]

no I'd be upset too. And I wouldn't go. Have fun with the kids!

[bubbaray]

Ditto. I'd be upset. And, I would not attend the bridal shower, especially as they are already married. I certainly wouldn't send a gift.

[Sillygirl]

Is you family in financial jeopardy because of what you've spent on this wedding? I mean, are you raiding 401K plans, carrying high-interest rate balances on credit cards, missing rent or mortgage? If not, I think you need to let your DH be as generous to his family as he feels is right. I don't think you win if he feels you are getting between them. If you truly can't afford what you've committed, then it's time for a talk with your DH about your financial goals and making sure you and your chidlren come first.

The shower you can attend or not - the kids are a plausible excuse - but after going to all this trouble and expense to keep peace in the family, maybe you should just buy a small gift, show up and smile, bow out a little early.

[zephyr]

IMO $6000 is a TON of money to spend on a wedding of a brother! To me that seems outrageous and no way would I let my DH do that. EVER. But that's me. Also I would not attend the bachelorette party and I think it's hilarious that someone's even throwing one for her considering they already got married overseas. I would rather spend the time with my ds. Just my two cents.

[JoyNChrist]

Umm...I don't think I spent $6K on my OWN wedding.

You're not being unreasonable.

[Tondi G]

I say let DH sped whatever he feels necessary as far as the gift and expenses go. You don't have to attend her bachelorette party/shower. I think the kids are a perfect excuse and no you don't have to send a gift. I think you have done enough with the expenses and the generous monetary gift you will be giving them!

ENJOY CANCUN. Enjoy having your IL's close. You have the reservations and you are going, so make the best of it and have fun with your family!

[ha98ed14]

I say let DH sped whatever he feels necessary as far as the gift and expenses go. You don't have to attend her bachelorette party/shower. I think the kids are a perfect excuse and no you don't have to send a gift. I think you have done enough with the expenses and the generous monetary gift you will be giving them!

ENJOY CANCUN. Enjoy having your IL's close. You have the reservations and you are going, so make the best of it and have fun with your family!

ITA. Go and make the best of it. But skip new SIL's party. Don't send anything but your regrets!

[maestramommy]

My jaw is dropping at how much you've already spent on this wedding, but I realize it's all relative. As long as you aren't hurting yourselves with these expenses, I think you need to let your Dh do what he thinks is right. It is, after all, his only brother (does he have a sister?). Are you and your families Chinese? From what I've seen growing up, weddings are source of tremendous stress because of the money and the obligations surrounding it. Dh and I were lucky because we paid for our own wedding, but my parents paid for an additional immediate family dinner that took place after we left for our honeymoon.

As for the bachelorette party, at least your SIL requested small gifts only. You don't know her well now, but you have to see her more often in the future, so I think it makes sense to go, and lay a friendly foundation, so to speak. It can feel like such a PITA, but someday you may be glad you did it.

As for the shoes, Payless. Can you wear white sandals? That might make them more wearable in the future.

[sste]

6K!!! Wow. I have Chinese/Korean friends and I have noticed that wedding expenses/gifts in those cultures tend to be on the high side, at least by my standards. So maybe the 6k, while painful and on the high side in any culture, may be not so outlandish given Chinese wedding norms?? You would know more than me on this one. It sounds like the money is a part of the problem but also the inconsiderateness and self-focus of your BIL and future SIL is galling.

I might skip the bachelorette party *if* you think it won't cause a family feud and send a truly small gift with a loving note - - fancy underwear type gift or a meaningful book - - in your absence.

[lizajane]

wow. BIL and SIL seem pretty selfish. how many weddings do they need? my BIL and SIL had a similar situation, but handled it WAY differently. they got married legally in FL last year, so that they could take care of the Visa paperwork way ahead of time. (BIL is american, SIL is indian.) the ONLY attendees of the marriage, on a boat, were BIL, SIL and SIL's best friend and husband. There has been one engagement party in india, no parties in the US. the wedding will take place dec 22 in india. ILs and DH are going, i am staying with kids. (i would have gone, but my family can't take my kids, so i have to stay. but it is ok.) IL's paid for DH's ticket. BIL set up travel plans via his FIL and DH will pay a flat $800 for all his travel around india, etc. i would bet BIL, well off financially like yours, will cover a lot of DH's food because he is nice like that. and he is subtle, too. we have gotten them ONE wedding gift. i think i spent about $75. as far as i know, they didn't even register. MIL is begging them to let her throw them a party in NC.

as far as your wedding hoopla- spend what you can afford and enjoy being generous if you can afford it. it is the only way to let it go and find peace for YOU and that is what is most important here. you will have to "fake it til you make it" but try reminding yourself:

"we are so lucky to be able to share a vacation with our family. we are lucky to be able to help ILs with the cost. we care about them and will enjoy giving them this gift. how wonderful that BIL and SIL have each other and will have a wonderful life ahead of them, as we do."

sounds silly, but i seriously do this kinda thing in my head. it really helps me A LOT, believe it or not. for example, i have been sick all week and had back pain. i feel better today. so i have been so happy all day because i am able to think, "how great to feel better and be able to get back to the gym tomorrow! I can catch up with housework and maybe get a sitter for the weekend." instead of, "i can't believe i missed a whole week at the gym, had to be sick alone with kids all weekend, and still haven't spend quality time with DH since his trip out of town."

as for the batchlorette party, send your regrets if you can't muster up the energy to go and have fun. because it is fun to have fun. and if there would be fun to be had there, go. if not, then don't go, don't feel guilty and let it just escape your mind so you don't have to stress over it anymore.

[egfmba]

As mean as this is going to make me sound, I wouldn't go and I wouldn't send a gift.

This is not kindergarten. We don't all have to like each other. If you're not looking for new friends, you certainly don't need to spend more money on a SIL you don't even know. Especially since you are spending $6K on a wedding you shouldn't even be attending (I personally dislike it when people "get married" 16 times so they can get more gifts - and really, I can see renewing your vows a few years down the road, but getting married several times in a row is just a gift grab).

SIL doesn't have to like you. Any hurt feelings she may have (which I doubt she will because she hasn't made an effort to get to know you even though she's been 'a part of the family' for a year and a half now) will be quickly mollified by the $2K gift your husband is giving them.

And as for your DH giving them such a large gift - yes, it's his family and what he thinks is appropriate counts for a lot here, but I'm going to second everyone else who said that if it is in any way a financial strain on your household, you and your DH need to have a serious talk. Your kids come first, not BIL's bank account. With multiple weddings and honeymoons and trips around the world, it doesn't sound as though they're hurting, so their need is not a factor.

Was BIL as generous with your wedding? Just curious. Of course, I don't give gifts with the expectation of equal reciprocity (or any reciprocity, for that matter) but the manner in which BIL treated you & your DH reveals how he regards your marriage, and in all honesty, reflects y'all's relationship. Something to consider, IMO.

People say all the time that one 'needs to keep peace in the family' but I don't agree. Why is it always one person's responsibility to keep the peace? And why does 'peace' always cost so much? Either financially or emotionally? Why does one person have to eat it so that another person (who is being completely insane, by the way) doesn't get her feelings hurt?

For the record, I hate that show Bridezillas, too. :ROTFLMAO:

eva

[kellij]

My DH and I had a weddingmoon. We said that we would love for everyone to go, but that we realize how expensive it is and that no one is actually expected to go. My parents were taking care of my grandmother and didn't feel they could leave her and they don't have much money. No one came to our wedding. It was completely fine. I think it's absurd to expect people to shell out that kind of cash for someone's wedding. I think it's rude, and inconsiderate. If we could have afforded to pay for others, we would have, and I think that is the only way you should do that type of wedding or really expect that no one will go.

I would not go to the bachelorette party, that's just silly to expect people to keep having parties for you if she's been married already.

Sorry you've been put in that position. :(

[mecawa]

DH's brother decided to have a destination wedding in Cancun. They got their marriage license a year and a half ago. Last summer, the couple had two wedding banquets in China, in the cities where they grew up. We didn't attend either since I was expecting. They had originally planned an US wedding so that their US friends and family can attend, but BIL got a promotion and was relocated to China. Now 1.5yr later, they decided to have a destination wedding. The expenses of the Chinese banquets were paid by both sides of the parents. BIL will be paying for their Cancun wedding. DH's parents are not very well financially and were very stressed about the travel expenses. Maybe because both DH and I were raised in China and our values are a little different. When DH and I got married, we paid for our own wedding banquet in China and our wedding expenses in US because we didn't want our parents to stress over it, even though both of us were still in grad school and made barely anything. BIL and SIL are doing very well financially. His salary alone (not to mention SIL who is also a MBA) is 3x DHs and 6x both of my ILs combined. I think that the least he can do is pay for his parents' travel expenses. DH suggested that to BIL who said that he "will cover all relatives' travel expenses". Of course we would never let him pay for our expenses. Months later BIL had not purchased the plane tickets for ILs. DH asked him again. He said that he was going to use his freq flyer milage but they used it for tickets to Hawaii for their "honeymoon". I thought they already had their honeymoon since they had vacationed at the Caribbeans and many other countries that I can even keep track of over the past year. BIL finally purchased the plane tickets for ILs, but didn't mention anything about hotel expenses. We have been to Cancun and so decided to stay in an all-inclusive becasue of the kids. ILs wants to stay with us instead of Marriott where BIL is staying. DH and I ended up paying for ILs all-inclusive resort expenses which ends up more expensive than the plane tickets. On top of that, DH is going to give BIL 2G as wedding gift. BIL then asked us to buy white shoes for DH, DD and DS (since they will all be in the wedding) because "shoes in China are expensive". I know they are not more expensive than here. What's DH going to do with a pair of white shoes after the wedding? I'm pretty upset about it since BIL is so much well off financially than us and we have 2 kids. I told DH that I was upset and that he didn't need to give such a generous gift since we are already paying for IL's resort expense which is BIL's responsibility. DH kept saying that he only has 1 brother and wants to "lead by example".
Today, I got an evite for SIL's bridal shower to celebrate her "last day as a bachelorette" and only"small gifts will be accepted". She really isn't a bachelorette any more since they've been married for 1.5yrs. Would it be rude to not attend the shower and use the kids as an excuse? I don't know SIL very well. I really rather spend the time with my family. Do I need to send a gift if I'm not attending - I feel that we've spent enough for their wedding (over $6000 including our and IL's expenses and gift). We have been to Cancun and are not planning to go if it weren't for the wedding. Am I being too unreasonable for being upset about the situation? What would you do?

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading if you have made to this far.


I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. That's a lot of money. I would not feel guilty at all for not attending the bachlorette/bridal shower. I usually do however send a gift even if I am not attending, in this situation I would buy something really small and inexpensive. You've spent enough money already and they should realize that.

[brittone2]

I don't think you should feel obligated.

I skipped my brother/SIL's wedding...they wanted me to be in it, but I didn't want to commit because I was going to be 5-6 weeks postpartum (and even fewer weeks if I didn't go into labor until after my EDD). I could not see dealing w/ postpartum issues, BFing a newborn, and a 9 hour drive (under normal circumstances) or a flight that was 1+ hours, but would involve taking a newborn on a plane during flu season, and then a 1.5-2 hour drive with said newborn (and a 3 year old) who happened to be a car hater (and had trouble making it longer than 5-10 mins in the car without freaking out).

I felt terrible not going, but we all have our limits. I just couldn't see how I could manage without losing my mind...so we opted out and sent our gift and well wishes with my parents. I still feel sad that I didn't make it, but it felt overwhelming just to think about it.

Everyone has their limits, kwim? You have the right to set them considering the circumstances.

[CBB]

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I feel so much better knowing that I'm not being too unreasonable. I only told a couple of IRL friends because I didn't want to sound like a B$%^&. Although we are not in any financial jeopardy because of this, 6G is still a big chunk from our savings. We have expensive mortgages and high child-care expenses since we live in Boston. We have to make sacrifices postponing our own vacation. I've been wanting to replace our living room furniture, and now I have to reconsider. It is funny that DH and I actually did spend way less than 6G on our own wedding 8yrs ago. Not going was really not an option. BIL is DH's only sibling. We didn't attend their other banquets. DH, DD and DS were all asked to be in the wedding. I actually don't mind giving 2G as a wedding gift if weren't for all the travel expenses. I don't mind paying for IL's expenses for a vacation at their desired destination as a nice gesture, but this one feels more like an obligation. I feel that it should not be our responsibility, plus BIL is much better off financially than us. I still have not decided what to do with the bridal shower, but I'm leaning towards not going and not sending a gift. You all are right that I should just make the best of it and enjoy a vacation at cancun although I'm really not looking forward to spend 9hrs each way with 3hrs layover at the airport. I have to hope and pray that there will be no delays.

Thanks again!