DS' friend is a bully

[linsei]

That might be too strong, but I don't know what else to call it. They know each other outside of preschool, and were friends before preschool, so I really did not see this coming. He tells ds things like :
I'm playing with Y, go play with Z. You can't play with us.
You are not allowed to climb up here.
Stop following me.

I guess the thing that bugs me the most is this kid goes from "I love you and we're best friends forever" to go away-type comments.

Anyway, I need to help my ds deal with it. Ds seems to be a more loyal/clingy friend, and the other kid is hot or cold and I hate that it is that way. It's kind of like he is leading him on. I try to encourage ds to play with other kids at preschool, but he does really like this kid in a bff kind of way. In casual conversation (not about this issue) the mom was going on about how he's the most popular kid there and *everyone* wants to play with him (eye roll). Can a kid like that really be popular? To me, it seems like a one-sided friendship, and the other kid is only his friend when it is convenient for him. They are 4 years old and I don't think it is normal behavior for that age.

Thanks if you got this far :)

[Laurel]

I have a four year old as well, and I see this behavior quite a bit with DD's preschool class of 10 kids, most who have been friends since infancy.

Age-normal behavior, IMO, but it's rude and needs to be immediately corrected by an adult. What do the teachers do when they overhear this? Have you talked to DS about how to react to his friend when he is not being nice? I know from experience how frustrating this can be.

[linsei]

Laurel,

I just had a conference with the teachers. They mentioned that my ds likes to do whatever the other kid is doing, but X doesn't always like that. Their words were that they do not force the issue. It does not sound like they do anything - just that they do not force them to play together.

I have tried to talk to ds about it, but I don't think he really understands what is going on and why it is not ok for your friend to tell you what to do all the time.

I might need to get a book or something.

[mamicka]

We had this situation last year in 4-yr preK.I overheard the "bully" child saying these kinds of things as we waited for preK to open. His DCP who brought him to preK was on the other side of the room, so I corrected his behavior myself, explaining to him that his words were hurtful. I tried to validate his feelings but gave him more appropriate language. Then I explain to my DS that the other child didn't want to play with him right now & then redirected him. I think it helped.

[sste]

My "Touchstones" book by Brazelton mentioned that for preschoolers/very young kids it is generally best for parents and providers not to get involved unless there is dangerous physical behavior. He even seemed to be suggesting letting kids sort out minor hitting/pushing. I think the theory was that they are learning social skills and preschool is really the ideal time for that - - if you interfere the lesson is not as powerful and your ideas of pro-social behavior may not match the social world of little kids, which is the world your son must navigate.

Now I have an out of date version, Brazelton may have changed his tune in the most recent version! And I just have a little baby so no personal experience. But, the Brazelton stuff struck a chord with me - - negative behaviors, bullies, these are all learning experiences. So, I think you are doing everything exactly right - - talking to your son about how to treat a friend, encouraging him to interact with more kids, but not getting too much in the middle of it. Maybe more playdates with other (nicer) kids is an idea as well . . .

[spunkybaby]

My 4-year-old DD has a similar situation with a friend whom she has "known" through our playgroup since the two girls were about 8 months old (they'll both turn 5 early next year). They took dance together last year and all was fine, but I've noticed when there are other girls around, DD's friend will "choose" one of them and tell the rest to go away (oddly enough, this did not happen in dance class but sometimes even happens in our playgroup). For this reason, I decided not to put DD in the same preschool class as her friend--even though she wanted to be with her friend--but I'm finding that their classes sometimes overlap on the playground, and DD's friend will say hurtful things to her.

Here's what I've done...

(1) I talked to DD and asked if she was unkind to her friend (did she say "hi" etc.) She said she was not mean, but that her friend was. Tried to use this as a teaching moment about being kind even when others are unkind and also helping her to see that in other situations when she's been unkind, others might feel sad. So basically encouraging her to be kind to others.

(2) I talked to the preschool director (who knew of my concern during the summer when I was choosing which class to place DD in). She said that if the kids were in the same class, the teacher could work with them, but since they are in separate classes, not much can be done. She suggested using it as a teaching moment and also suggested that I talk to the friend's mom.

(3) I talked to DD's friend's mom today. She was surprised since her DD has not said anything to her about my DD. We were invited to their house for playgroup this morning, and I told her that her DD had told mine, "You're not my friend. I don't want you to come to my house. I don't want to go to your house." I told the mom (who is my friend) that it's okay if her DD doesn't want to play with my DD, that I understand the kids are growing up and have different personalities/preferences etc. However, if her DD truly doesn't want to be my DD's friend, I would rather not come to their house and subject my DD to that. The mom said she understood and that she would talk to her DD.

I agree with a PP that the kids are trying to negotiate social situations and are learning social skills. If my DD and her friend were going to the same elementary school next year, I would try harder to get them together and help them on their friendship. But honestly, I feel like our playgroup is falling apart this year (moms are still close, but we don't meet regularly anymore), so it's kind of not worth the effort. Instead, I'm arranging playdates for DD with other little girls who seem to like her a lot. It's so much nicer (and way easier) to have a little girl over who enjoys playing with DD than a little girl who constantly makes my DD sad.

[DrSally]

Instead, I'm arranging playdates for DD with other little girls who seem to like her a lot. It's so much nicer (and way easier) to have a little girl over who enjoys playing with DD than a little girl who constantly makes my DD sad.

:yeahthat:

I remember there was a wealthy girl my mom wanted me to be friends with. Seemed like she kept pushing us together. She was invited to my birthday party and the girl said "I don't know why you invited me". My mom ooh'd and ahh'd over her gift from an "expensive" boutique (a turtleneck). I was invited to her birthday party and the girl said to me "I didn't want to invite you but my mom said I had to". She was rather snotty girl who went to private school (nothing against that, but it's pretty rare around here), and I could've done without those words in my head as a 2nd grader.

[CAM7]

This is just mho... I have a daughter in her early twenties so I've btdt with all sorts of friendship issues as she grew up...

I'd steer your DS away from this kid as much as possible. I wouldn't make any after school playdates or anything.

It's too easy for a child this age (preschool til late grade school) to be taught to be submissive if they are hanging out too much with other kids like the 'bully'.

After kids get to middle school they start to get more independent about friend choices... so hopefully they can be taught what is a functioning friendship so they can spot the bad friendships later.

It's better that they grow familiar with friendships that 'feel good' so they know when to back out of the bad ones when they start to branch out on their own...kwim?