What do you expect a babysitter to do?

[Happy 2B mommy]

Besides watch/play/keep your kiddo safe? MIL occasionally watches DD so DH and I get a night out (1 night every 6 weeks or so) and she does it for free. Honestly, while MIL loves DD, she really doesn't like kids and I'm beginning to assume that she is purposely not doing some things because she doesn't want to babysit. I'm thinking about looking into finding a good sitter because I end up being so irritated by her. But I'm wondering if maybe my expectations are too high.

Feeding: When DD was younger, MIL wouldn't feed her (not even a bottle) Now that DD is almost 2 she will feed DD supper, but she won't clean up the highchair/DD's place at the table or pick up food that ends up on the floor. Just to clarify, I don't mind crumbs or a noodle or two, I'm talking about spilled yougurt or a full serving of fruit/supper. I don't expect her to wash my floor, just grab a paper towel and wipe up the worst. Sometimes she doesn't put leftovers in the fridge, just leaves them on the counter.

Bath: MIL won't bathe DD, but as DD doesn't get a bath every night, it's not a big deal. But if dinner is really messy or if she has a runny BM, sometimes I feel a bath is needed. I don't expect her to wash DD's hair, as that is a challenge, but DD loves playing in the tub.

Bed Time: MIL won't put DD in footed pjs or a sleep sack. She says the sleep sac is 'too confusing' and footed pjs are 'too difficult'. I put them out with the cotton pjs, and ask her to put them on DD, she just doesn't.

Last Saturday MIL watched DD, food was left out, no warm pj's on DD and her diaper was on BACKSWARDS. MIL has done the backwards diaper thing a few times before, but when DD was much younger and we just assumed it was an honest mistake. I've shown her how the diapers go on.

I don't think anyone is honestly this clueless. MIL does say she is 'willing to babysit anytime', but I think she doesn't want to directly say 'no' so she's finding a passive-aggressive way of saying no.

Sorry this is so long. Just wondering what others expect from free and paid sitters.

[Melaine]

I expect them to do whatever I ask....which so far has been very little. The girls are two and we rarely go out, and only when they are down for the night and one of my parents is in town to stay with them. My kids are difficult to watch (even for me) so I haven't had anyone stay with them except for one time I had to go have some medical tests.
If I were in your shoes, I would get a paid sitter or (more likely) not go anywhere! I can't imagine that your MIL behaves that way....very strange in my mind. What does your DH say about it? A long time ago I was told to always let your DH deal with any "issues" that come up with his family, while you are responsible for conflicts arising with your's. That has been valuable advice for me!
All that to say, I think your expectations are completely reasonable (I would probably not expect a bath from an unpaid sitter though).

[jk3]

My expectations vary based on who is babysitting. For our paid babysitter, I expect her to play with the kids, put them in pj's and to bed at the appropriate time. If dinner is involved, I'll prepare it for the kids and she feeds them. Most importantly, I expect her to keep them safe and to watch them at all times. She also cleans up after they're in bed but this cleaning is limited to toy cleanup.

My expectations are lower when the grandparents babysit. They enjoy playing with the kids and reading to them. They are capable of putting them to bed. I really don't expect them to listen too carefully to my directions. It would be nice but they march to their own drum. Again, as long as the kids are safe, I'm happy. The house is usually in shambles after they babysit.

[lilycat88]

The only "free" sitters we have are family. When my parents watch DD, they did anything and everything. If we were gone for a meal, they fed her and cleaned up. If she needed a bath, they did that. They put her to bed as well. The inlaws, somewhat less. To be fair, I never asked them to bathe her but they have done diapers, food/cleanup and bed.

We have a teenage sitter every Sunday evening from 5-8. DD often has a friend over from 5-7. Both girls are 4.5 so I have dinner ready for them and they eat when they get hungry. She cleans up from dinner as well. I just asked her to put the dishes in the sink and leftovers in the fridge. When her friend leaves, the sitter does the evening routine with DD up to the point of going to bed. When we get home, she is bathed, has taken her medicine/breathing treatment and brushed her teeth and is in PJs. When all of that is done, DD gets to watch some TV until we get home. When we get home, we finish with reading and bed. That's by our choice. We wanted to do that. If we were going to be later than 8:15 or so, she would put her to bed as well. The house is always straightened when we return as well. All the toys they have played with are put away.

[mamicka]

Normally I'd find your MIL's behavior shocking & yes, passive-aggressive. But, unfortunately, my MIL behaves the same way & its just her. She doesn't clean-up in her own house so naturally she doesn't clean-up in my house either. When she watches the kids (*very* rare since I've realized this is the way it is), I just pray that she doesn't feed them the wrong things (food allergies). Even though I leave-out *exactly* what they should be fed & label them with each child's name, she still manages to screw it up. She's otherwise a very nice, generous, caring woman. Just a bit strange... OK, let's be honest - she's a bit off her rocker.

As difficult as it is, I'd adjust your expectations of her &/or just get a paid babysitter.

[KBecks]

I expect basic meals and clean up (undone dishes in sink are fine) and I don't mind wiping up a table or high chair, no baths, and basic bedtime routine which includes putting on PJs.

Backwards diapers happen, I don't think they hurt, so no big deal.

I had an awesome sitter who washed the bedding after Alek had an accident. I gave her massive tips and am grieving she went to college.

[ha98ed14]

My expectations are lower when the grandparents babysit. They enjoy playing with the kids and reading to them. They are capable of putting them to bed. I really don't expect them to listen too carefully to my directions. It would be nice but they march to their own drum. Again, as long as the kids are safe, I'm happy. The house is usually in shambles after they babysit.

My expectations are lower when my MIL babysits too. She probably comes once a month so DH and I can have a date night. I do, as jk3, let her do things HER way when she is here. I have learned that MIL is not me, so she is not going to do things just like me, BUT (and this is where it is different than your MIL) they are decent. Not like I would do them, but perfectly acceptable. She does wash DD's bowl, cup, spoon. She does bathe her. She puts on appropriate clothes (but I let her pick what, she enjoys that.)

It sounds like your MIL does not enjoy caring for DD. If she did, I think she would take more pride in the effort and not make more work for you. I tend to be fastidious, so I understand wanting stuff done YOUR way, but you aren't really asking for that. You are asking for basic cleanliness. I think your instincts are right. Pay a sitter. But DO pay a sitter. After the last thread I read, it seems like getting out sans kids is critical to a good marriage :) Good luck. MIL issues are no fun!

[marit]

I don't think you have the right to expect anything from a free babysitter (other than to keep your kids alive, of course). If she is passive-aggressive or just that's the way she is, I don't know. From bitter experience I can say you have to think real hard which fights you want to pick with your in laws, they are in your life forever now...

If I were you, I think the spilled yogurt on the floor would drive me nuts too. I would probably hire a paid babysitter if I could afford it, and maybe ask MIL only if we go out AFTER the children are in bed. When I pay a babysitter I definitely expect them to clean up after the kids dinner (just put the dishes in the sink, no do them) and any mess on the floor. Also, a bath is part of the deal because it is part of our bedtime routine.

MIL's are so much fun!!!

[cdlamis]

Yikes! I don't expect my mom or MIL to do anything but take care of the basic needs of my kids. But, IMO your MIL is acting very bizarre! Maybe cleaning up after dinner is not on her mind but refusing to bathe your child or put on footed pj's?? WTH? Its almost like she is angry that she has to babysit and refuses to do one ounce more work than absolutely necessary!
Truthfully, I would have DH talk to her about her feelings or pay a regular sitter.
Sorry you are going through this!

[kijip]

-Watch my child, making sure they are safe and fed.

-Not burn down the house or destroy the kitchen or make a huge mess.

-Enforce our rules about T picking up after himself.

Nothing more. I don't want them doing any cleaning other than not making a big old mess.

That said, my parents both have when caring for T fed him, bathed him and put him to bed. In PJs. I see that as pretty basic care and watching.

I think you need a new sitting plan. I am not sure why anyone would skip those tasks. I can even see not cleaning up after dinner but not feeding a baby is weird. Not putting him to bed is weird.

[pinkmomagain]

When anyone babysits (which is usually my Mom, but sometimes a paid sitter) I try to make thing very simple and easy because a) I want them to WANT to come back, and b) I want them focused on the safety and well-being of my children, and c) I want my kids to have a happy, good experience so that I can go out again. I don't expect housekeeping, but I do expect dishes to end up in the sink and no big spills/messes laying about. Often times, if the kids are quiet, my Mom will load dishes, or fold laundry, without my asking.

It sounds to me like your MIL is really not enjoying babysitting. I'd look for a new sitter.

[Asianmommy]

When we have a babysitter, I prepare dinner, and she feeds the kids and puts the dishes in the dishwasher when they're done. She puts the leftovers in the fridge. She plays with them and then cleans up the toys with the kids. We've already bathed them. She brushes & flosses them, changes them into PJs, reads to them, and puts them to bed. There may be crumbs on the table, but no giant mess on the floor. My mom babysits for free sometimes or we pay a teenager to babysit. If a sitter weren't able to do this, I would probably look for someone else who could.

[mommylamb]

I don't think you're expecting too much. I would expect that if my mother or MIL didn't want to babysit, she would tell me so. It's not like you've asked her to dust or something.

[bubbaray]

I don't really have "expectations" when the ILs look after the girls, but it is so rare that it happens at all.... All I really expect is that they will keep the girls safe, use the carseats I provide/install (OK, I'm anal on this), and not feed DD#2 anything she is allergic to (we only have a very few items in our pantry that she can't have and I usually hide those in the basement).

I can't remember if they clean the highchair or not (like I said, it's rare that they babysit). Then again, its a good day if DH remembers. As for the food on the floor, get a dog. I don't think I've ever cleaned dropped/spilled food off our floor (except bananas, which our dog won't eat).

[elektra]

Then again, its a good day if DH remembers. As for the food on the floor, get a dog. I don't think I've ever cleaned dropped/spilled food off our floor (except bananas, which our dog won't eat).

:yeahthat:
DH doesn't clean up after meals either (although it's also extremely rare that he feeds DD). And I have one dog that eats bananas and one that doesn't. ;)

So, Monday-Thursday I have a fulltime nanny/babysitter from 9-5 and then my dad watches DD on Fridays.
Babysitter is expected to care for DD, feed her, play with her, do her laundry, clean up after meals, read to her, etc. She also has a car seat installed in her car to take DD to the park or library. She usually takes her every morning.
I also don't have set rules about exact TV time, but I only want the TV on for short amounts of time if the nanny needs a distraction to clean up the kitchen or something. Some days the TV doesn't get turned on at all. Our nanny is awesome. She even empties the dishwasher or takes out the trash sometimes which I so appreciate but it's not in her job description.
For my dad, the TV gets turned on more than I would like, and he doesn't always clean up after the meals. (Although he would probably at least wipe a papertowel across spilled yogurt!) I would love for him to do everything the nanny does but he is also doing it for free and so I am really happy with him just playing with DD, feeding her and making sure she is safe. He really seems to enjoy it too, and DD adores him.
I could probably count on one hand the times we have had a babysitter at night for us to go out. I think DD has been already asleep by the time we left or at least fed. But putting on pajamas, feeding, keeping an eye on them (not necessarily even actively playing with them), comforting them if they cry would be my mimimum care requirements for a babysitter probably.

[irie i]

As for the food on the floor, get a dog. I don't think I've ever cleaned dropped/spilled food off our floor (except bananas, which our dog won't eat).

Sorry to change the subject but you should rethink letting your dog eat people food...much of it is unhealthy for their teeth and tummies and some is even poisonous! Please be a careful, responsible pet owner. Dogs are not meant to be vacuum cleaners.

[KpbS]

I don't think anyone is honestly this clueless. MIL does say she is 'willing to babysit anytime', but I think she doesn't want to directly say 'no' so she's finding a passive-aggressive way of saying no.


I agree w/ PP. I think she is trying to send a message via her sloppy work. I don't expect sitters to clean my kitchen but putting food away (to prevent spoiling and wasting food) and wiping up spills are expected. Those are basic kitchen duties. I'd be pleasantly surprised if a sitter did any dishes or true kitchen cleaning.

But, footie pjs too hard? Good grief. Unless your DC is a terror to dress w/ screaming, kicking, etc. I don't get it. I expect about the same from a free sitter as from a paid one. After all the free sitter is volunteering to sit--which is the same job just w/o pay. If it was a spontaneous job and I somehow didn't have the time to explain how things were done as in which jammies, nighttime diapers, etc. that is one thing. But a regular sitter who won't do minimal child care is not a sitter worth having imo. I say skip the mil and look for a qualified teen/college student. DC can have time w/ your mil in an different venue.

[maestramommy]

That is just bizarre. I think you need to find another sitter. Right now we don't expect our sitter to do anything since the kids are in bed before we leave. But I don't think that matters. What matters is that the sitter understands and agrees to your expectations, and you agree to her/his rates in light of those expectations. It doesn't matter if the sitter is free either, unless you can't afford to pay for a sitter. In that case you might want to adjust accordingly.

In this case however, I wouldn't begin to guess why your MIL isn't doing what you ask. I would just find someone else. And if she were to kick up a fuss and ask why, your Dh can explain it to her. :loveeyes:

[lisams]

Grandparents - I expect them to have fun and be engaged with the kids and to try and stick to house rules and routines as much as possible. I wouldn't expect them to make meals (I always prepare meals ahead so they're ready to serve), wouldn't expect them to clean dishes after meals, or clean the house, or take care of pet duties, or anything else really.

I wonder if the mess left is because she's a little overwhelmed. As moms we totally get into the groove and can multi-task and don't feel bad letting our little ones go and play while we clean up after a messy meal. Maybe she feels she has to be right with your DD after she eats. As for bath time, could it be that it's hard for her to kneel and lean over or could she just be kind of intimidated with the whole slippery child in water?

It kind of sounds like she's just a little clueless when it comes to these things. I think I'd just ask her what time of the day she would like to watch the kids if she does offer to sit. Maybe the evening routine is just too overwhelming. I've noticed with my MIL that her "with it-ness" is dwindling and she does things that aren't really thought through (like pouring alcohol over DD's elbow when she scraped it really bad - hmmmm I wonder why she screamed for 15 minutes!) If you want someone who is on top of everything, I think you might want to look for a babysitter. It must be so frustrating trying to have a nice relaxing dinner only to come home to things not taken care of as much as you would expect one to do.

[maestramommy]

I wonder if the mess left is because she's a little overwhelmed. As moms we totally get into the groove and can multi-task and don't feel bad letting our little ones go and play while we clean up after a messy meal. Maybe she feels she has to be right with your DD after she eats. As for bath time, could it be that it's hard for her to kneel and lean over or could she just be kind of intimidated with the whole slippery child in water?


OMG, I just have to share about the first time I babysat which involved putting kids to bed. My friends went to a wedding, and left their 4yo, 2yo, and 6 month old with me, my sis, and my mom to play with, feed dinner, bathe and put to bed. It was mostly me and my sis, but my mom was there too. We fed them mac n cheese, put all three kids in the tub, then got them in their jammies, and put them to bed. And kept going back to tell them they needed to stop talking and go to sleep (I was childless and single at the time, so what did I know?). By the time it was all over I was EXHAUSTED. And I asked my mom (we were 4 kids) HOW DID SHE DO IT? Honestly I'd never been so tired in my life before, and I've worked hard, stayed up past midnight practicing, written papers until 3 am, etc. Childcare is HARD.:ROTFLMAO:

[lorinick]

From my mom and sister I don't expect much. When my sister watches him she leaves a mess. Even my sitter who is hear once a week watches and plays with my son. She takes him for walks and feeds him lunch. She doesn't usually clean the high chair or the kitchen after and I'm okay with that. I always clean up everything right away. So that was hard at first. She will dress him in the morning. I love my sitter and as for my mom and sister they're free. So I can't complain. Everyone who watches my child loves him and he loves them. That's all that matteres. I wouldn't excpect anyone I have watch my little guy to give him a bath. Safety is my number one goal. Mess left behind no big deal.

[Happy 2B mommy]

Thanks for all the replies. MIL and I get along pretty well, but it's not always a comfortable relationship. We aren't close but in some respects I think I have a better relationship with her than DH has. MIL is only 60, in excellent health (works out frequently and is in better shape than I) and is a well educated woman. DD is easy-going and seldom protests having pjs put on (never any kicking or screaming --at least not yet!).

I appreciate everyone's opinions/experiences as it's been hard for me to judge what's "normal" because all my IRL mommy friends have uber-mothers/MIL. They all expect LESS of a paid sitter than from free family babysitters. The one time my aunt babysat, the highchair was clean, food put away, no food on the floor and DD was in footed pjs. She even washed DD's dishes from supper, which I would never expect!

[annasmom]

Wow, our mils are alike!!

My mil babysits often for me when I need to go into school for one of my dc. I have just gotten used to the fact that when I get home no one will be fed, except for the pie or sweets that she has brought, the house will be a wreck, and the baby's diaper will be on backwards!!

[kransden]

One of the things you might not have thought of is - does MIL have vision problems? All the things you have said sound just like the way my mom used to be at the start of her vision issues. Which of course my mom denied. For the diapers draw a big smiley face on the front.

[DrSally]

IT's hard to know without knowing her. Is she normally this messy at her own house? If so, it's prob just the way she is. If not, maybe she's overwhelmed watching DD so doesn't remember to clean up/put food away (my DH never does and it drives me crazy, I hate to find food on the placemat/booster, food out on the counter, the potty taken apart and sitting in the sink, etc., he just doesn't think to do this stuff).

ETA: Ok, I see she's in 60 and great health. Maybe just lazy?

[salsah]

my sister sometimes has to have her mil watch her kids and since her mil isn't exactly dedicated, my sister makes special arrangements. on those nights, she feeds the kids early and gets them bathed and ready for bed (brushed teeth, clean diaper, etc.) before her mil comes over. she prepares special low maintence activities and snacks that are not messy for the kids to enjoy while mil is watching them. that way her mil doesn't need to do much. she is mostly there just be sure that they are safe and handle any emergencies.

hth

[kellij]

My mil is 73 and sleeps in the chair constantly, although she never actually admits she's sleeping (which is very scary to me). There is no way I'd let her watch my kids for any longer than a quick run to the store to pick up milk. However, she doesn't live near us and others use her as a regular babysitter. It blows my mind. I feel like I have to take care of her when she's here, not the other way around!

I think if it's a free anything in life, you get what you pay for! My sister who can't even pick up after herself would watch my kids when I could coerce her to and I just was thrilled when no one was harmed when I got home. If anything extra happened it was a huge bonus. My parents are a different story. My mom always tries to take on projects, like taking them for the weekend and trying to potty train them over that weekend. It's wonderful and we are so lucky. But I would never expect it. I think it's kind of rude when people have kids and they expect family members to watch them/babysit them. I had friends that had a baby and the wife was angry that MIL didn't want to babysit so she could work. On top of that the mil has ms. (I'm not saying you're doing that at all, but I think people seem to do that all the time). That's what also happened with my mil, her granddaughters kept having babies at young ages and expected her to babysit daily while they worked. It seems to me that since mil didn't get a say in whether the baby was made, she shouldn't be expected to take care of them regularly.

So it sounds like you need to weigh whether you want to deal with the mess to get some time to yourself, or whether it's just not worth it. Or if you should hire a babysitter. I've never found anyone I feel comfortable with to come to our house. However, the Y, the local gymnastic school and some churches do parent's nights out. We've been taking advantage of the pno at the churches and it's great. Maybe you could find something like that. Good luck! I think the smiley face is a great idea!

[Corie]

Truthfully, I would have DH talk to her about her feelings or pay a regular sitter.


I agree. Something is going on with your MIL. I would stay out
of it and let your DH handle it.

I would also not have her babysit again. It sounds like she doesn't
like babysitting anyway.

Find a new babysitter. :)