ETA my sincerest thanks. Prayers needed, please. Troubling subject matter. [Archive]

dcmom2b3

11-01-2008, 10:20 AM

I. am. humbled. Thank you all, from me and Eleanor both. I don't know what I've done to deserve this outpouring of kindness. I will probably take you all up on your offers of assistance, I just need to get my head around it all.

My IRL friends and family are rallying round, too. I'm truly blessed.

SNAFUS abound here (ILs don't spk English, my French is not-so-much, and Eric's BFF is distraught and careening around making a muddle of arrangements and such.) I now see how funerals can become so contentious. Ugh.

In all, I kept the shiny side up all day, and I will say one thing that I know for sure: getting through today with smiles and hugs and games and stories, and ending it with a fed, bathed, happy bunny drifting off to sleep in my lap on schedule, tells me that I'm one d*mn good mother. And that I can do ANYTHING I need to do for my baby girl.

Pls give special hugs to your LOs from me tonight -- sending the love right back to y'all and yours.

Sleep tight,

Mary-Helen
================================================== ======
My (recently estranged) husband took his own life last night. In our home.

Mental illness and substance abuse finally consumed him, and I'm, well, I don't know how I am except on autopilot, maybe?

The baby's sleeping now, thankfully so I can cry a bit. We're at my mom's where we've been since we left home.

Oh, god, how do I tell her?

This board has been a lifeline for me in the dark days when his abuse and my isolation were at their height, so you all have done more than you ever could know already.

But please pray for us. Please.

tylersmama

11-01-2008, 10:22 AM

I am so, so sorry, MH. I have no words, but know that you and your DD will be in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

megs4413

11-01-2008, 10:22 AM

I'm so sorry. There are no words. Prayers coming your way.

AngelaS

11-01-2008, 10:23 AM

I'm so sorry. Your family is in my prayers.

o_mom

11-01-2008, 10:24 AM

I am so sorry. We will be praying for you and your family. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. :hug:

nrp

11-01-2008, 10:24 AM

I am so terribly sorry for you. I pray for your strength in getting through this difficult time.

bubbaray

11-01-2008, 10:26 AM

Oh. my. Gosh. Oh oh oh. What do I say? Words have no meaning right now.

Can your mom call your pastor? You need to talk to someone, probably not family, who can counsel you now and in the future.

TMI coming, but if his death was, er, messy, you probably need a proper cleaning done. There are bio-cleanup companies. The police may be able to help you figure that out, they usually have the names of companies. Your house ins. should pay for that.

Gosh, I don't think I"d tell your DD the details. I would just say that daddy is dead. I"ll try to find some resources and post back.

My prayers are with you at this immensely difficult time. Many many hugs to you.

KpbS

11-01-2008, 10:27 AM

Praying for strength and peace for you and your DC. I am so sorry for your loss.

Melaine

11-01-2008, 10:33 AM

Oh no I am so sorry!
"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, still my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed', says the Lord, who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10

bubbaray

11-01-2008, 10:33 AM

Here are some links I found quickly -- I'll post more later:

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/parent.html :

Age groups and their reactions
Up to two years
The death of a parent will not be understood. However, the child will notice the absence of a parent and the emotional changes in those providing care. Even a small baby may become irritable, crying more; eating habits may change; there may be bowel or bladder upsets.
Two to three years
At about two years, children know that if people are out of sight they can be called back or looked for. Looking for a parent who has died is a typical expression of grief in this age group. It may take time before a child even as young as 18 months realizes that the parent is not coming back. These children need a secure, stable environment. Try to keep to the normal routine of eating and sleeping. They will need attention and love. If you are concerned about your child's behavior, talk to the doctor or health professional.

http://www.ci.westminster.co.us/police/1502.htm : -- I thought this had some helpful tips.

http://kidsaid.com/dougypage.html -- how children grieve

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html --
Until kids are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. So explain the death in basic and concrete terms. If the loved one was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. If someone dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened — that because of this very sad event, the person's body stopped working. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stopped working.
Kids this young often have a hard time understanding that all people and living things eventually die, and that it's final and they won't come back. So even after you've explained this, kids may continue to ask where the loved one is or when the person is returning. As frustrating as this can be, continue to calmly reiterate that the person has died and can't come back.
Avoid using euphemisms, such as telling kids that the loved one "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Because young kids think so literally, such phrases might inadvertently make them afraid to go to sleep or fearful whenever someone goes away.

MH, I am so sorry for you.

SnuggleBuggles

11-01-2008, 10:38 AM

I am so sorry. Your family is in my thoughts.

Beth

lablover

11-01-2008, 10:38 AM

Praying for you and DD. I am so sorry.

lizajane

11-01-2008, 10:38 AM

wow. i am beyond sorry. we are a praying family and will add you and your DCs to our prayers immediately.

crayonblue

11-01-2008, 10:45 AM

I am really sorry and will be praying for you.

bubbaray

11-01-2008, 10:46 AM

Here are some specific resources about talking to a child about the suicide of a parent:

http://www.camh.net/About_Addiction_Mental_Health/Mental_Health_Information/when_parent_suicide.pdf

http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=114&np=141&id=2384 :
Helping your younger child
It is a very difficult thing to tell a child about suicide because it introduces for the first time the notion of someone taking their own life. We all instinctively want to protect our children from this reality.
However, most of the time it is best to tell the basic truth about a death of any sort. Even young children often know when they are not being told the whole story, and the anxiety that goes with this can be greater than that attached to the difficulties of the truth.
Follow these guidelines

Tell the bare simple truth first with no detail, eg. "one of Matthew's friends died today and we all feel sad."
Stick to your daily routines. Routine is very reassuring for young children.
Answer questions as your child asks them - again as simply as you can. Children need their questions answered before they can move on.
Answer honestly. Children trust parents in many ways and if they find that you have not told them the truth it can damage their trust and their confidence in you.
Be careful not to expose your younger child to the discussions of adults and older children. This way they can deal with as much as they are able to by asking you questions when they are ready.
Allow them to draw or play out their understanding of the event.http://www.mcsp.org.au/files/user13/Supporting_Children.pdf -- this resource has advice from children themselves, which I thought was an interesting approach.

ThreeofUs

11-01-2008, 10:50 AM

oh, gosh, mh, i have absolutely no words for this - only comfort, empathy and hugs.

i'm so terribly sorry for you and your family. you are in my prayers - may you find peace.

mama2g03

11-01-2008, 10:52 AM

I am so sorry for your loss and what you are having to go through right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

JustMe

11-01-2008, 10:56 AM

I am so sorry for your loss and the heavyness that is ahead of you. Please know that your children have you and that is a great gift to them.

missym

11-01-2008, 10:58 AM

I am so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself.

cleo27

11-01-2008, 10:59 AM

Oh MH, I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts. I agree that you should reach out to your pastor or a counselor to work through the grieving and healing process. I cannot even imagine what you are going through.

I am so, so sorry. Please continue to turn to the wonderful friends on this board for support.

Hugs,

Cleo

nfowife

11-01-2008, 11:16 AM

I'm sorry for your loss. Your family will be in my thoughts.
:hug:

octmom

11-01-2008, 11:19 AM

I am so very sorry. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

MontrealMum

11-01-2008, 11:21 AM

MH, I am so very sorry for you and your DD. You will be in our thoughts and prayers. I am glad that you have family to turn to, and hope that you will be able to find some comfort and peace in the days to come. Words seem so inadequate, but just know that my heart goes out to both of you. :hug:

sidmand

11-01-2008, 11:24 AM

I'm so sorry. Your family will be in my thoughts. :hug:

carolinamama

11-01-2008, 11:32 AM

I will be praying for you and your babies. I am so so sorry you are going through this.

JTsMom

11-01-2008, 11:38 AM

I'm so very sorry. :hug: :hug: :hug: You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. We're all always here anytime you need someoe to listen.

kijip

11-01-2008, 11:41 AM

I am so sorry for you and your little girl.

Wife_and_mommy

11-01-2008, 11:42 AM

MH, I'm so so sorry. Prayers and hugs to you.

FYI, I have a friend who went through a similar experience earlier this year. If you think you'd like to talk with someone who's been there, please let me know. I can ask her if she's willing.

I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you both as you begin this journey.

noodle

11-01-2008, 11:43 AM

I am so terribly sorry. You and your family will be in my thoughts and in my heart.

Globetrotter

11-01-2008, 11:43 AM

I am very sorry for your loss :hug:

Take care,

Kris

elliput

11-01-2008, 11:48 AM

My thoughts are with you during this troubling time. May you soon find peace. :hug:

buddyleebaby

11-01-2008, 11:49 AM

I wish you and your little one peace.

Mamma2004

11-01-2008, 11:52 AM

I am so deeply sorry for your loss, as well as for the difficult journey ahead of you. I pray for strength, serenity and newfound peace for you and your family.

May God Bless you all.

wencit

11-01-2008, 12:16 PM

I am so, so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.

elektra

11-01-2008, 12:26 PM

I am so sorry. P&PT coming your way.

Octobermommy

11-01-2008, 12:29 PM

I am very sorry. You and your dc are in my thoughts and prayers.

Ceepa

11-01-2008, 12:31 PM

I'm praying for you.

Dcclerk

11-01-2008, 12:35 PM

I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine what that is like. You and DD are in my prayers.

Puddy73

11-01-2008, 12:40 PM

I'm so very sorry. Your family will be in my prayers.

KHF

11-01-2008, 12:47 PM

I'm so sorry. You and your family will be in my prayers. I hope you find peace soon.

Emmas Mom

11-01-2008, 12:57 PM

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. There are no words. I pray you & your little one will find peace. :hug:

pb&j

11-01-2008, 12:58 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to find the comfort and support you need.

s_gosney

11-01-2008, 01:03 PM

I'm so sorry. We will be praying for you and your family.

srhs

11-01-2008, 01:12 PM

So sorry to hear of this tragedy in you and your DC's life.
I'm praying for comfort and love to surround you both.

ha98ed14

11-01-2008, 01:14 PM

We are praying for you and your family. May God be with you all.

justlearning

11-01-2008, 01:15 PM

Although I don't know you personally, my heart is so burdened for you right now--I can't imagine what you must be going through. We will definitely be praying for peace and comfort for you and your family and that you feel extra wisdom and strength in discussing the loss with your daughter.

skygoddess

11-01-2008, 01:18 PM

I am so, so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers.

WatchingThemGrow

11-01-2008, 01:23 PM

I will be thinking about you and praying for your strength to get through this situation. Please be sure to come back and let us know how you are doing.

Tondi G

11-01-2008, 01:34 PM

I'm so sorry. Your family is in my prayers.

~Tondi

mommyp

11-01-2008, 01:42 PM

I am so very sorry. You and your family are in our prayers.

Melbel

11-01-2008, 01:44 PM

I am terribly sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

strollerqueen

11-01-2008, 02:02 PM

I'm so sorry.

ett

11-01-2008, 02:05 PM

I am so so sorry. You are in my prayers.

Twoboos

11-01-2008, 02:16 PM

I am so sorry. I will be praying for you during this incredibly difficult time. Peace & strength to you.

Nooknookmom

11-01-2008, 02:26 PM

I'm so sorry, I too have no words - I can't imagine what pain you're in. I'm praying for you and your little angels.

eliasmom

11-01-2008, 02:30 PM

I am so sorry. Sending prayers and love to you and your DD.

urquie

11-01-2008, 02:35 PM

i'm so sorry - your family is in my prayers

pinkmomagain

11-01-2008, 02:43 PM

I am so sorry for you and your family. This is the second suicide I've heard this week, where a husband/dad took his life at home. I can't imagine what you are going through. We'll keep you in our thoughts.

g-mama

11-01-2008, 02:55 PM

MH, I am so, so sorry for you and your daughter. My prayers are with you.

DietCokeLover

11-01-2008, 02:55 PM

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the conflicting emotions you must be having. And, especially knowing that you still have your little one to take care of.

Just a thought for you, I am a child therapist. Your DD doesn't need to have too much information regarding her father's death. She won't understand it and won't know what to do with all of that info. Just explain to her that daddy has passed away and that means that she won't be able to see him anymore. Reassure her that you are certain that her daddy loved her and that nothing she did took him away from her. Little ones tend to see the world as revolving around themselves and therefore think they had some sort of cause for everything that happens. And, then, keep reassuring her that you love her and that you are not planning on going away from her.

I hope you find some support for yourself during this time. It's equally as important for you to take care of you so you can keep taking care of DD.

trentsmom

11-01-2008, 03:07 PM

Oh, I am so sorry. I will pray for you and your family.

wellyes

11-01-2008, 03:11 PM

This is terrible news, I am so very sorry.

This is a safe place for you to post or vent or cry or whatever you need. This whole community is sending strength your way.

hez

11-01-2008, 03:31 PM

I'm praying for you.

I'm sorry.

salsah

11-01-2008, 03:42 PM

I'm so sorry. you and your family are in my prayers.

maestramommy

11-01-2008, 03:46 PM

Oh no. I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you and your family. Please take care of yourself. :hug:

caleymama

11-01-2008, 04:10 PM

I am so very, very sorry. My thoughts are with you and your daughter.

Sillygirl

11-01-2008, 04:41 PM

I am very sorry for your loss and for your DD's loss of her father.

CAM7

11-01-2008, 04:44 PM

I'm so sorry! Thoughts and prayers for you and your family...

happy2bamom

11-01-2008, 04:49 PM

I will be praying for you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss.

brittone2

11-01-2008, 04:52 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find comfort and peace as you heal.

MamaMolly

11-01-2008, 05:16 PM

Your family is in our prayers. :grouphug:

karolyp

11-01-2008, 05:35 PM

you, your children, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. i am so sorry.

nov04

11-01-2008, 05:36 PM

I'm so sorry. Our thoughts are with you.

jk3

11-01-2008, 05:56 PM

I'm so sorry.

elizabethkott

11-01-2008, 05:56 PM

MH, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you must be experiencing right now.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. May you find a wellspring of strength you didn't know you had within you to help you and your little ones.

MMEand1

11-01-2008, 06:03 PM

{{{HUGS}}} MH. Please know that we are all here for you and hope that you get the help that you need during this most trying time of you and your Family's lives.

We will keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

kellij

11-01-2008, 06:10 PM

I am so so sorry.

KBecks

11-01-2008, 06:50 PM

Thinking of you. :hug:

Fairy

11-01-2008, 06:55 PM

I am so terribly sorry. Like everyone else here supporting you, you're in my thoughts, and I wish you and your daughter peace as you work through this awful time. My very best to you.

-- Hilary :hug:

specialp

11-01-2008, 07:35 PM

Sending you PEACE, LOVE, HUGS, SUPPORT, & PRAYERS.

elephantmeg

11-01-2008, 08:38 PM

MH, I am so sorry. Wishing you peace

kellyd

11-01-2008, 08:47 PM

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Radosti

11-01-2008, 08:48 PM

I am so sorry that you and your DD are going through this. How horrible. Please take the time to heal and be gentle on yourself.

misshollygolightly

11-01-2008, 08:48 PM

I don't know what to say, except that I'll be praying for you and your family too! It's hard to know how to help, especially from a distance, but I know most all of us here would like to. If there's anything we can research or look up for you online or elsewhere, people or places we can contact for you, whatever, please let us know.

ErinMC

11-01-2008, 09:11 PM

I am so so sorry. Please know that you are in our prayers.

maylips

11-01-2008, 09:39 PM

I am so, so sorry. You and the kids are definitely in my prayers.

turtledove

11-01-2008, 09:52 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your daughter are in my prayers.

mamicka

11-01-2008, 09:59 PM

Oh, MH. I'm so sorry. Praying that you will have strength to get through it, even if its just one second at a time.

ohiomom

11-01-2008, 09:59 PM

Wishing you peace and strength.

DrSally

11-01-2008, 10:01 PM

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine what you and your daughter are going through. There will be lots of different emotions, please give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. Hugs.

Staraglimmer

11-01-2008, 10:15 PM

There is nothing that I can say that could possibly do your situation justice. Prayers are coming your way, for both you and your daughter.

bethie_73

11-01-2008, 10:20 PM

I am so sorry, sending you P & PT.

amandabea

11-01-2008, 10:33 PM

Dear MH, I am so sorry for you and your DD. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Amanda

egfmba

11-01-2008, 10:41 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have prayed for you and hope you find peace and strength for your future.

eva

Momof3Labs

11-01-2008, 10:49 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss.

deborah_r

11-01-2008, 11:03 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible tragedy and loss for your family.

LarsMal

11-01-2008, 11:06 PM

I am so so so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this terrible time. :hug:

BaileyBea

11-01-2008, 11:10 PM

MH I am sorry hear the news of your DH. I am sending you and your Daughter lots of prayers.

Nancy

squimp

11-01-2008, 11:49 PM

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, but my heart goes out to you.

ShanaMama

11-02-2008, 12:03 AM

I am just reading this for the first time and I am in shock. I am so sorry, Mary-Helen. So sorry. For what you've been through and for what's ahead. I have enjoyed your posts & valued your insight and I know that you are a very strong woman. You will get through this. :hug:

jerigirl

11-02-2008, 12:12 AM

I can't imagine. You and your family are in my thoughts. Please take care of yourself. You will need your strength. :hug:

MMMommy

11-02-2008, 01:00 AM

My deepest sympathies and thoughts go out to you. I can't possibly imagine the pain you must be feeling. Please know that my heart is with you and your children.

NancyJ_redo

11-02-2008, 01:33 AM

I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Take good care of yourself.

citymama

11-02-2008, 02:27 AM

Mary-Helen, I am sending many thoughts and prayers across the country for you and your precious child. I hope you have much support and love from your family and friends during this terrible time. I am so deeply sorry about your loss and the circumstances of it. Please know that we are here to listen and support you, albeit in a virtual sense. :grouphug:

HannaAddict

11-02-2008, 03:34 AM

I am so sorry for you and your baby girl. My heart goes out to you, take care.

Kimberly

KBecks

11-02-2008, 08:36 AM

Yes, I'm so glad you made it and yes, you are a great mother! Good for you. I hate how difficult it can be with family tensions after a death, just hang in there and try to avoid the little things and the stress of family. I know it's a long road, and I'm thinking of you.

Ceepa

11-02-2008, 09:11 AM

I'm sending you even more hugs and prayers. I'm glad you have so much support, and even when the offers of help start to slow, don't feel guilty about asking for more.

elephantmeg

11-02-2008, 09:34 AM

you are a d*mn good mama. I'm so proud of you! You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

gatorsmom

11-02-2008, 11:23 AM

I'm so sorry. I"ll be praying for you and your family.

bubbaray

11-02-2008, 11:27 AM

MH, you are a WONDERFUL mama! I'm so sorry to hear about the family issues. That is a relief that you have family & friends close by to help you in this horrible time.

Do you know anyone who could maybe translate for the ILs? Maybe there is someone here who could help?

You and E are in my prayers. I wish I lived closer.

Many many hugs!

shawnandangel

11-02-2008, 11:44 AM

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

saying this prayer for you over and over.

dcmom2b3

11-02-2008, 03:30 PM

Do you know anyone who could maybe translate for the ILs? Maybe there is someone here who could help?

You and E are in my prayers. I wish I lived closer.

Many many hugs!

Aw, thanks, mama! Have no fear, I have started using Babelfish and e-mailing ILs (though it's not my preference to do this stuff over e-mail); I'm assembing a bilingual swat team for phone convos, and I just now opened up a big ole can of Franco-American whoop-a$$ on BFF. He's been neutralized.

dcmom2b3

11-02-2008, 03:32 PM