Attn DD: STOP hitting me. And the dog. And DH

[maylips]

19 month old DD hits. And it hurts. And she does it when she's mad at us so it's not like she's not doing it on purpose.

How do we get her to stop? "Redirection" isn't exactly working - actually, that's *when* she hits us; when we're redirecting her away from something she shouldn't be doing but wants to do. Or when we're changing her diaper and/or clothes and she doesn't want us to do that. Or if we're disciplining our new dog and she mimics our discipline (even if we're not hitting the dog, but telling the dog "no" or pulling her away from a situation).

DD is also throwing EVERYTHING, sometimes for fun and sometimes to show her frustration. How do you teach her that it's okay to throw a ball, but not a book? Or a brush? Or a toy?

Argh! It's really frustrating and I'm tired of being slapped. I'm just glad I'm an older mother because my first instinct is to hit back. Thankfully, I'm mature enough now to not follow through with that first instinct.

[trales]

Do we have the same child? She just moved onto lip pulling, both mine and the dogs. She hits when we won't let her be naked. You are right, redirection does not work. No, makes it worse. I am at a loss also. Hopefully others will speak up.

[sste]

I don't know about hitting you or DH - - hopefully someone will have some good suggestions.

As for the dog, I would yell at DC loudly and sternly enough and with aggressive body posturing to make her very upset, even to make her cry. I know that sounds harsh but IMO, hitting a dog is the equivalent of running into busy traffic - - an extremely dangerous activity that must be stopped immediately! Even the gentlest dog may bite, usually in the child's face, if it feels threatened.

[niccig]

DH is 4 at Christmas and he used to do this. When DS would hit me, it would be in anger as I was redirecting, saying no to something. I would tell him that I knew he was angry at me, but he couldn't hit as that hurts, and he needed to use his words. As he got older, he would get a time out for the hitting.

He's 4 at Christmas. Now, when he gets angry when I won't let him do something, he doesn't hit but he scrunches up his face and fists and hits the air. So, at least he's not hitting us, but he's still angry. I try to get him to talk it out. "Are you angry at mummy?" "Why are you angry" etc.

[maylips]

Thanks for the suggestions. Shameless bumping for more advice because the lounge is very busy and this was on the second page already...

[Piglet]

DD does this as well. She is my first hitter, and yes, it hurts! The times where she does it is out of frustration on her part. I try to nip it in the bud before she really melts down but I resorted to a time-out this past weekend. When she was really getting bad, I put her in her crib, stood next to her and told her, "no hitting". I stayed with her for a minute and then took her out and gave her a hug. No idea if it will work in the future, but she definitely got out of her hitting phase that time.

[Nooknookmom]

I have an 18 mo old hitter too. My older DD was VERY quiet & passive. Not this babe. When we tell her no or "re-direct" her, we seems to have the same issue.

I was hoping to gain some knowledge myself from this thread.

I have done something similar to Piglet. DD is told "No hitting, it hurts" the first hit, the 2nd hit we put DD's nose in the corner for a very short time. Then ask her if she can stop hitting and come play nice. It works ok, not great.

Sometimes when she is so angry she clenches her fists and then hits, when this happens I immediately hug her and it seems to diffuse the situation.

[maylips]

Well, I'm glad to hear it's more common than I thought. I hate your kids are hitters, but glad I'm not the only one out there!

[sste]

Could you say "No" and then have her hit an inanimate object? Maybe this isn't the ideal solution but its better than her hitting people!! I think the Happiest Baby on the Block author Karp wrote the Happiest Toddler on the Block. I haven't read it but I think the upshot is that at that age you have a frustrated little Neanderthal on your hands who lacks verbal/other outlets. I think its Karp who recommends talking in a kind of toddlerese at your angry toddler, "Mad! Mad! Mad! You are mad!" to show that you "get it." I do this sometimes with my 12 month old and then whack the floor for emphasis (though in your case maybe hitting anything isn't a good idea). I feel a little dumb but it seems to work. The theory is that when you try to soothe the toddler thinks you don't understand and escalates to try to make clear she is upset, mad, frustrated. At twelve months, my baby seems relieved I understand the situation (he is mad!) and usually cracks up by the time I attack the hardwood . . .

Sorry I can't be of more help, maybe the Karp book . . .

And do be careful with the dog - - even if your dog would never do anything, your toddler is going to meet other strange dogs. We have a dog who would be very likely to snap or bite at a strange toddler who hit him.

[JTsMom]

DS went through this stage twice- when he was about 18ish months, and again more recently. Here's my take- it's a phase, and as long as you do something to show it's not ok, you DC will most likely outgrow it. It's definitely a common thing, so don't let it bother you too much.

Here are a couple of things we did- they are kind of rambly:
-Read the book Hands Are Not For Hitting many, many times, and talked about it often. I used the phrase, "Hands are not for hitting." when he would hit, and I could practically see him connect his action with the book, even at that young age.

The book is long, and seems to be aimed at an older crowd, so I would skip parts and shorten it so it would hold his attention. I'm sure there are several books you could use though.

-Anticipate frustration, and try to avoid the hitting in the first place. I would stand farther away, catch his hand gently, etc.

-Try to keep your reaction as calm as possible so that you don't inadvertantly reinforce the behavior. If DH was home when it would happen, I'd have him say something like, "Oh mommy! Are you ok? That must have hurt!" and have him hug me or something. My goal was to start showing DS that hitting hurts, that we should be kind to others, and that we should make ammends when we hurt someone. It also puts the attention on the victim, instead of the hitter. This stuff works better with older kids, but it can't hurt!

-When he was younger, I would also say things like, "gentle touches only!", and demonstrate that.

-If all else fails, and you're feeling frustrated, try saying something like, "That hurts me! I won't allow you to hurt me." then calmly walk away.


Finally, giving a name to the emotion (frustration) and showing appropriate ways to express it (hitting a pillow, stomping your feet, saying "I'm so frustrated!", growling like a lion, saying a nonsense word that you create for that purpose, etc.) is really key imho. I think this is what "worked" best. Now, when DS gets steamed, he will often (not 100% of the time, but often) use one of those phrases/actions. I always make sure to acknowledge his feelings, and congratulate him on showing his frustration in an appropriate way. It's very important that he knows that method works better than hitting.

Hope something here helps a little. I know it was all over the place. :hug: This is a very frustrating stage, and it will take a little while to get through, but it will not last forever.