His daughter and my daughter

[farsk]

My daughter, Ellen is 5 years old. Her father (my ex-husband) left us when she was 17 months old, and moved 8 hours away from her when she was 23 months old. At first, he came back to see her every two weeks. Then it was once a month. Most recently, he hadn't seen her for three months.

I am involved with a man whose daughter is three years old. He and I have been romantically involved for 8 months; however, we were very close friends for the preceding two years.

Chris is affectionate and loving with his daughter. It's one of the things that I've always found so attractive about him. His daughter loves him, too - she's very much a daddy's girl.

When the four of us are together, I'm often mistaken for the mother for both girls. I take that as a compliment. I try to treat both girls the same, and I think I do the vast majority of the time. Though I'll never be her mother or her father, I do think she has love for me and regards me as someone who loves her.

What makes me sad is that it is very obvious (to me) that he *displays* so much more affection for his own daughter, even when we're together. I know that he will *feel* more affection for his own daughter v. my daughter, as do I, but I do try not to *display* it.

He picks his daughter up, hugs and kisses her, makes funny faces at her, etc. He *occasionally* does that with my daughter, but not with the frequency that he does his own.

I know Ellen will never hold the same place in his heart that his own daughter does - I don't expect her to. We've talked before about her, and he's told me that he expects that he will be the father figure in Ellen's life - in short, he realizes that we come as a package deal.

What I'd like is for him to treat both of our girls the same when we're all together - even though he may love his own daughter more than mine. I don't really know how to accomplish this - or even if it's reasonable to ask for it.

Help!

[kellij]

Men need help. As much as you can possibly give them! I think it's totally reasonable to want that for your daughter, but you have to spell it out to him. I think you should approach him as lovingly as possible and tell him about your concerns. It might change with time naturally. Another thing to consider is how your daughter responds to him. Maybe she's less open to him than his own daughter is. If he's a good guy, and it sounds like he is, I'm sure he'll do the best he possibly can if you just let him know what you and your daughter need from him.


Kelli

[irie i]

Maybe he's not sure if that is appropriate. A lot of women don't want their S/Os to show their children that much affection because they don't want the child to start to consider this man "Daddy," just in case things don't work out. Until you tell him you want that he won't know. :) He sounds like a great guy...I think you should just be honest with him...I am willing to bet that he is doing it out of concern for you and your daughter.

[deborah_r]

No advice, just want to say hi! Haven't seen you around in a long time!

[ILoveLucy]

I'd talk to him, as he sounds like a good man who would try to understand where you are coming from. However, it may take time to get to the point you want, and he may take longer than you do with his daughter.

I'm a stepmom. My DSD is 20 now, but I've known her all her life and been her stepmom for 12 years. I love her and think the world of her. However, I admit it took a few years for me to completely warm up to her and feel as comfortable around her as I do now.

I always treated her kindly, showed her love, did everything for her I possibly could, and she was a wonderful, kind child who was very easy to love, but in looking back, I wasn't as relaxed or open with her as I am now, and I certainly wasn't as physically demonstrative as I could have been. DH greatly encouraged me, and that helped, but honestly it just took time for me to feel at ease with her and it wasn't something that could be forced.

For example, with my nieces, I hugged and kissed them without a second thought, but with my DSD, I hesitated and honestly felt a little awkward--sometimes even wondering did she really want me to hug her, whereas with my nieces, I knew they loved their aunt. :) It wasn't that I didn't care about her, but it just didn't come as naturally to me. That changed over time, but I think we needed that time to really get to know each other and gel together. That may be the situation here as well. As long as he treats your daughter with love and respect and care, I would give it some time.

[Wife_and_mommy]

I'd talk to him, as he sounds like a good man who would try to understand where you are coming from. However, it may take time to get to the point you want, and he may take longer than you do with his daughter.

I'm a stepmom. My DSD is 20 now, but I've known her all her life and been her stepmom for 12 years. I love her and think the world of her. However, I admit it took a few years for me to completely warm up to her and feel as comfortable around her as I do now.

I always treated her kindly, showed her love, did everything for her I possibly could, and she was a wonderful, kind child who was very easy to love, but in looking back, I wasn't as relaxed or open with her as I am now, and I certainly wasn't as physically demonstrative as I could have been. DH greatly encouraged me, and that helped, but honestly it just took time for me to feel at ease with her and it wasn't something that could be forced.

For example, with my nieces, I hugged and kissed them without a second thought, but with my DSD, I hesitated and honestly felt a little awkward--sometimes even wondering did she really want me to hug her, whereas with my nieces, I knew they loved their aunt. :) It wasn't that I didn't care about her, but it just didn't come as naturally to me. That changed over time, but I think we needed that time to really get to know each other and gel together. That may be the situation here as well. As long as he treats your daughter with love and respect and care, I would give it some time.

:yeahthat: I haven't had this life experience but it sounds like you're wanting to push it faster than he, and possibly your DD, is comfortable. He's not going to respond to a little girl he's known a few months the same way he responds to a child he has raised from birth. I think the fact that you mostly do that is because of a woman's nurturing tendency, not because he doesn't feel the same way you do.

I'd give it time, possibly a lot of time but wouldn't give up on him. He sounds like a good guy. :)

[o_mom]

I think, like PPs said, he just may not be sure what is appropriate. Even though she hasn't seen her bio-dad recently, he may be afraid of appearing to try and take over that role.

The other thing to remember is that men have to carry around the stigma that anyone who is overly affectionate or interested in a child is a potential molester. Not saying at all that this is the case, but the judgement and questioning does happen.

[farsk]

You're right. It has been very easy for me to be physically affectionate and demonstrative with his daughter. I guess I expect for it to be that easy for him, too, but it's completely not his personality to be such.

Last night, he came over to watch a movie, and I could tell when he walked in that he had a migraine (something he has often and it concerns me). Ellen was hopping and jumping around and he just couldn't accommodate her. I instead of seeing it for what it was - a man who was sick and couldn't tolerate a hopping skipping and jumping five-year-old, I saw it as Ellen's complete life of male rejection.

Did I mention I have PMS? hahaa!

I think it also has something to do with the very different personalities our girls have. Ellen is constantly moving, hopping, leaping, twirling, and skipping. She's very gregarious and very much a girl. His daughter is a lot like him, quiet and introspective, and doesn't warm to people easily.

He does take both girls outside to chase them, play soccer with them, swing them around by their arms. He is a good man.

I just need to relax. And get some Midol!!!!!!

[crazydiamond]

Being a stepparent is one of the most difficult roles I have faced in life. However you and your guy aren't there yet right - you are not married? It is still early in the game.

It is difficult to group all men (or women) one way or another. However, the issue O Mom mentioned - concerns the limits of affection/physical between your daughter and him are always present. I was once cautioned about being too affectionate with my stepdaughter and it kind of bummed me out to have to even think about it that way. Men can be limited by society this way.

Also - while your daughter is young and biodad is mostly out of the picture for now - this may not always be the case. Your daughter may go through phases in her own feelings for your new man vs. biodad. I am going through this phase now where my SD is on the upswing with biodad and I am experiencing a loss (more of a shift) of affection and appreciation from her after many years of closeness. Your own man may have feelings, fears, or thoughts along this way too - that he may not be fully accepted by her either. Give it time.

A very difficult and complicated role for a man or a woman.

[mommy111]

Maybe he's not sure if that is appropriate. A lot of women don't want their S/Os to show their children that much affection because they don't want the child to start to consider this man "Daddy," just in case things don't work out. Until you tell him you want that he won't know. :) He sounds like a great guy...I think you should just be honest with him...I am willing to bet that he is doing it out of concern for you and your daughter.

I agree, it may be that.
Also, don't necessarily think that, if you do build a life together, that he will never love your daughter as much as he loves his. I have a much older friend who had a daughter, married a second time, she says that she never thought her new husband loved her daughter E as much as he did his own daughter, until the day when E developed appendicitis, my friend, E's mom was out of town, and he had to take her to the hospital and BE dad. Now, about 18 years later, he is so close to E, I thought it was really amusing how serious her was when E's boyfriend asked his permission to ask E to marry him.
Give it time. Children have a very special way of opening up our hearts.

[chlobo]

"I instead of seeing it for what it was - a man who was sick and couldn't tolerate a hopping skipping and jumping five-year-old, I saw it as Ellen's complete life of male rejection."

I just want to throw this out there. Although it may be hard (I know cause I struggle with this too), try not to project your fears onto your daughter. Kids can sense things & you don't want her internalizing the wrong message. Did she seem upset about the incident? Does she notice he treats his daughter different?

Also, I'll say this with as much honesty as I can - sometimes parents favor one child over another even when they are both their own. I know my DS is a very lovable 15 mo old whereas my DD is a very tough 5 yr old. As much as I try it's just easier to shower my little guy with kisses than my DD. Even when I try to shower her she declines my affection.

So there could be a lot of factors at play - moreso than just his vs. yours.

[Laurel]

I have two step-parents and step-siblings who have been in my life since early childhood. My family definitely dealt with similar issues, I think all blended families must.

One thing I wish my parents realized earlier is that things cannot always be equal- and that fair is not always equal and equal is not always fair. There was so much tension over equal treatment that it affected the family much more negatively than just letting there be some lopsided affection/attention at times would have. I think I would feel even closer to my step-parents (and I am fairly close to both) if we had spent more time just letting things develop as they would instead of trying to play typical family roles immediately. Kids know when love and affection is genuine and when it is faked, believe me.

Just my experience. I wish the four of you the best!

[peasprout]

I wonder if it could also be the girls' ages. The younger they are, they easier it is to cuddle and hug them,...they're just so cute! Not that they aren't cute when they're older, but sometimes people gravitate towards younger kids when it comes to scooping them up and kissing them. I love all my kids the same, but it's easier to show affection to the younger ones. The older is also a lot bigger and harder to pick up. :o)

[Sillygirl]

I actually think he's behaving appropriately, given that you have not made any formal commitment for a lifelong relationship. Encouraging him to bond to your daughter as a father before you are married to him puts the cart before the horse, so to speak.

[karolyp]

no advice either but just wanted to send you hugs, and that I'm glad to "see" you again.

[proudsahmof3]

When I read your post a couple of things popped into mind. Does he have custody of his daughter, or does he only get to see her on weekends, etc? If so, perhaps the times that he does have with her he feels the need to lavish lots of affection and attention on her because of their limited time together. In addition, he may be worried that his daughter will think she's being "replaced" by yours if he doesn't bestow her with this favoritism. It may not make a lot of sense to you, but we all know men don't think like women do, and if he sees your daughter more than his own, he may feel conflicted himself about his feelings for the two girls (perhaps he would feel guilty if he did treat and care for your daughter as he does his own?). I would just give it time, and let him and your daughter forge their own relationship. I don't think it's fair to assume that he's going to treat both equally; try as you might, I'm sure you would agree that you don't have the same feelings for his daughter as your own, but if your relationship is getting stronger, things will fall into place naturally if you let them, for all of you. As a child with stepparents, I cannot even begin to tell you how much I hated it that my dad always wanted my stepmother and I to form a mother-daughter relationship, I would have been far happier just being around her without all that pressure.

[farsk]

Thanks you guys - you've given me a lot of good perspective - something that I seem to have limited quantities of these days....

Chris and I are not married. I'm not sure I ever want to be married again. My last go-round left me so completely burned - it would take a great deal of trust to be able to get married again. Still, there is very little doubt in either of us that the relationship that we are in is both committed and long term. We may marry - we've talked about it before. It's simply something that I'm not willing to consider at this point.

He has 50/50 custody of his daughter. When we talk about our girls, he has said that (in the context of wanting to see his daughter more) that he feels weird that he sees my daughter more than his own. And while his time with her is limited, he actually spends much more time with her than any man with "standard visitation."

He does pick her up and dance with her, and toss her around, and everything else. I think last night, I was feeling particularly sentimental and wanting my child to have a "daddy."