Revisiting Opposite Gender Friends Discussion

[Fairy]

Another thread reminded me of a discussion we had some time ago about whether or not men and women really can be friends, or, as Harry declared, the sex part always gets in the way. So many new people, similar thread going, so I thought I'd revisit this.

Is it ok to have a friend of the opposite gender after you're married? I think it is, and I have friends of the opposite gender. Some are gay, some are not. I even socialize with them without my husband sometimes. One is a friend since we were eleven; I cannot imagine being told by DH, you're not allowed to be his friend anymore. Here is some food for thought:

* If it's wrong to have a platonic friendship with the opposite gender, is it also wrong to have a platonic friendship with a gay member of the same gender?

* What is it about being married that changes the relationship of a platonic friendship that had no romantic entanglements before the marriage?

* If you have a friend of the opposite gender, is it cheating?

[kijip]

To assume that sex would always get in the way is to assume that all straight women and all straight men are to some degree sexually attracted to each other. Can anyone here say that is true for them? Unless someone is an actual sex-addict, I doubt it. I have a lot of friends that are male. I am not attracted to any of them, even though I can concede that many of them are attractive people (I know they see me the same way- an attractive woman that they are not attracted to).

That said, as I have said here before some of my close friends are male and we do socialize both alone and with our spouses. My husband has all female work friends and they socialize together, sometimes without me.

My marriage is strong enough to not fret over it. I know what I have at home and so does he. Neither of us is going to let sex get in the way of a cross gender friendship or in anyway compromise our marriage.

The only time I have been a little uncomfortable was with women that clearly were interested in having sex with my husband. But again, he knows what he has at home. And gosh darn it, I am much cooler than these chicks. He knows it. And those are not the women he is friends with. When I have sensed some man was attracted to me, I don't cultivate a close friendship.

My closest friend in the world is male. I have never been attracted to him even though he is a nice looking man. It sounds downright incestuous to me. He is pretty much my brother.

[Fairy]

My marriage is strong enough to not fret over it. I know what I have at home and so does he. Neither of us is going to let sex get in the way of a cross gender friendship or in anyway compromise our marriage.


Well-said, Katie. This is how I feel; you said it better :-)

[pb&j]

Well-said, Katie. This is how I feel; you said it better :-)
Ditto, except.... the friend's spouse may not feel the same way. I have "lost" a few male friends after they started dating someone seriously or got married. I used to work in an extremely male-dominated field so nearly all my friends were men. I may not like it, but I respect it. It's been easier to maintain friendships with my male friends since I got married, since we can "double date" and go out as two couples. I only have two male friends that I occasionally socialize with solo.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My marriage is strong enough to not fret over it. I know what I have at home and so does he. Neither of us is going to let sex get in the way of a cross gender friendship or in anyway compromise our marriage.



My feelings and experience too.

Beth

[trales]

DH has mostly girl friends and very few boy friends. We all tease him mercilessly about it. We have no barriers on who we can be friends with. Relationships are based on trust, we trust one another.

[mommylamb]

DH has mostly girl friends and very few boy friends. We all tease him mercilessly about it. We have no barriers on who we can be friends with. Relationships are based on trust, we trust one another.


My DH too... the only male friends he has are gay or married. It's actually a real pain because I have single female friends I'd love to set up with someone nice and DH is no help at all.

Seriously though, I trust DH with all his female friends (and with his gay friends too :D ) I like his friends.

[Fairy]

Ditto, except.... the friend's spouse may not feel the same way. I have "lost" a few male friends after they started dating someone seriously or got married. I used to work in an extremely male-dominated field so nearly all my friends were men. I may not like it, but I respect it. It's been easier to maintain friendships with my male friends since I got married, since we can "double date" and go out as two couples. I only have two male friends that I occasionally socialize with solo.

Yes, this has happened to me. My very old friend's wife hated me. Luckily, she hated all of his friends, including the ones with penises; she had a short leash on him, period, and hated when he'd want to see any friend alone. She did especially hate me, tho, cuz I was his best friend at the time, and she didn't trust him or me. When I started dating then married my husband, I thought maybe it would get better. Nope. It almost got worse, and I barely even saw him at that point, as ya know, life gets more crazy as you get older, have kids, and less time for socializing. I never understood her. I thought, maybe he does have a crush on me that I'm not seeing, and that's why she doesn't want him spening time with me alone? But I just cannot believe that is true, it would be anathema. Plus, when he got divorced, it's not like he made any moves on me. The only thing I can think of is that he does have a wandering eye, and maybe she just figured, if it has boobs, it's off limits. I dunno.

His new wife is a doll.

[Fairy]

I'd be interested in hearing any opinions on the other side, too!

And in completely coincidental news, I found this on CNN's home page today --> http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/worklife/11/10/cb.seven.signs.work.spouse/index.html

[BeachBum]

We don't have any. Sure we have people that are "friends" that we work with, so we may go to lunch or something. But neither my DH or I have opposite gender friends that we call on the phone, or spend our free time with.

It has nothing at all to do with us not trusting each other. It's just how we operate. I would say that for the most part, we socialize as a couple. Maybe once or twice a month DH and I do something with our own friends. I am a SAHM so I do see my friends more, since I am more likely to meet people for lunch or other "mom" activities. My husbands friend are typically involved with a hobby, or 1/2 of a couple we do things with.

We didn't have opposite gender friends before we were married, and haven't developed them since being married. At this point in our relationship I would find it odd if DH started spending his free time with a woman friend and I think he would feel the same about me.

[lizajane]

DH's best friend is a man and my best friend(s) is/are a woman/women. but i do have a few male friends left over from college and DH is happy for me to spend time with them. DH works out with women often- cycling and running- and i am glad for him to have the company. it would not bother me at all if i went out of town and he had a casual dinner or beer with one of his exercise friends (who are female.)

[saschalicks]

It's interesting b/c all of my oppisite sex friends love my DH and have subsequently become friends w/him. I think this part of the key to it working for both of us.

One of DH's closest and dearest friends from college is DS2's godmother. Clearly I had no issue w/her friendship w/my DH if I wanted her to be the godmother of my son. She's a FANTASTIC woman and I love her dearly. It actually makes me very happy that she and DH are friends.

I think that when it's a problem for a spouse to see the other having opposite sex friends there's a bigger problem betweem the married couple that needs to be addressed.