Do you and DH differ on internet p0rn views?

[maylips]

We had a hypothetical argument last night that has me thinking:

Do you consider it cheating? Does DH? Have you ever even talked about it? If you differ, do you think it's a male/female viewpoint?

I do consider it cheating; DH does not. It has bugged me that he doesn't but I'm wondering if I'm being overly sensitive about it.

I don't mean addiction - I mean occasional viewing. Or is there a difference? Is occasional viewing an addiction of sorts?

Maybe we shouldn't have gotten into such a deep conversation....

[mommylamb]

I think if he/you are going to do it, you should do it together. Then I certainly wouldn't consider it cheating. But whether or not it's cheating is kind of beside the point IMO-- the fact is, if it makes you uncomfortable, he shouldn't do it.

[LarsMal]

I guess it depends on WHY they are using it. Looking now and then out of curiosity wouldn't bother me (as far as I know, DH doesn't even do that!). If he was going to them on a regular basis, I would probably get very upset about it, but I wouldn't consider it cheating.

Now, if he was on some sort of porn-type chat site and having conversations with women, then I would be REALLY peeved, and would probably consider that cheating!

DH is too scared of me to even think about that!!!

[saschalicks]

DH & I are on the same page on this. It doesn't bother either of us, but neither of us does it either. However, I agree this is something a couple should respect each others viewpoints on.

[almostmom]

For me, looking at porn is not cheating. It can be a safe and exciting turn-on, and that is fine with me. My DH looks at it, and I do too on rare occasions (youporn is a much better outlet for this stuff than previous options). We both don't like or watch seedy or sleezy stuff, but have read and watched woman-written and supported erotica and videos. It is an open discussion in our house - if it was hidden that would be another story.

Obviously, just my opinion. And in no way do I condone pornography that includes coercion or degradation.

ETA: I made this a little less personal, as it made me uncomfortable after posting! Obviously this is a very personal decision, and I respect that tremendously. Just giving my opinion in my household. Most importantly, you have to go with your gut, what feels right or wrong to you. And then communicate those feelings.

[AuGoldie]

Both DH and I feel porn is degrading to not only women but also men. We also see it as morally corrupt. I don't know if I would call it "cheating" but for us it would be an offense if one of us were to watch porn. Talk to your DH about how you feel, I totally understand why you're hurt. Unfortunately, in this society, men (and women) are exposed to porn as if it's nothing and he probably is just out of touch with what it really means. It's so easy to get numb to it's effects and you need more and more stimulation from the porn to get off. I know many couples who have dealt with marital problems because of this issue. Don't just sweep it under the rug.
Jackie

[maestramommy]

DH and I have the same view on this. That is, we're okay with it, but only because one of us is doing research for later dual viewing:loveeyes:

Otherwise we don't bother.

[boolady]

DH & I are on the same page on this. It doesn't bother either of us, but neither of us does it either. However, I agree this is something a couple should respect each others viewpoints on.

This is how it is in our house.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Watching doesn't equal cheating, imo. Chatting would be a problem, for sure.

We are on the same page on this subject in my house.

Beth

[Moneypenny]

DH and I have never talked about it, so I can't say what his viewpoint is, but mine is that watching is no big deal and not cheating.

[elephantmeg]

not cheating per se but when I found out DH was watching I was very ticked. It was a hidden thing and I stumbled onto it by accident. It took our marriage a long time to get over it.

[ha98ed14]

Both DH and I feel porn is degrading to not only women but also men. We also see it as morally corrupt. I don't know if I would call it "cheating" but for us it would be an offense if one of us were to watch porn.
Jackie

This is us, exactly. We both feel it objectifies women (and men) and is pretty emotionaly, relationally, and morally bankrupt. Granted, this is my/ our opinion.

I think the "quality of life" in the marriage depends upon both partners having the same view/ belief/ opinion as one another. If they both like to praticipate, it will do a lot less harm than if it is just one partner viewing behind the other's back. Nevertheless, I have a close personal friend whose marriage was turned up-side-down because of what started off as a "together" experience and spiraled out of control for the DH. When DW wanted to quit, he couldn't. They are still together, but it has been a huge strain on their marriage. What kills me the most about their situation is that he is an awesome dad to their two lovely DDs. I know he would never want anyone to look at his girls that way. But the women being viewed in porn are someone's daughters. That pretty much makes up my mind that this is a slippery slope I never want to venture down.

[Wife_and_mommy]

DH and I didn't start out with the same views on it but we've come to the same opinion of it over time: It's a very slippery slope that isn't worth going down, is degrading to all involved, and disrespectful of the covenant he and I made to each other. Watching someone and fantasizing about him/her most definitely counts as cheating, IMO.


I know of a few men whose marriages have been torn apart because of this addiction. One never starts out saying to himself "I think I'll become addicted today".

Also, I think we can all agree that while there are some women with larger ***ual appetites, men are visual creatures driven by testosterone. I think it's naive for anyone to say that men and women view p*rn the same way.

[crayonblue]

"It's a very slippery slope that isn't worth going down, is degrading to all involved, and disrespectful of the covenant he and I made to each other."

Exactly this and DH and I agree.

[kijip]

DH & I are on the same page on this. It doesn't bother either of us, but neither of us does it either. However, I agree this is something a couple should respect each others viewpoints on.

:yeahthat:

Neither one of us is very much into pornography. Practical and moral issues of objectification and sexism aside, the fact remains that both of us would rather spend time with each other than watching other people have sex, be that on a TV screen or a computer.

I don't know that I consider consuming porn cheating but I think both people really need to be on the same page. Either it is ok in your house or not. I guess if you consider it cheating then in your marriage it is cheating.

I have seen marriages strained or even destroyed by conflict over porn consumption. In general, the images and stereotypes portrayed in most porn are offensive to me and don't seem to lend well to having a healthy, in real life, sex life. Time invested in watching porn often would be better spent, call me crazy, with your spouse. That said, I get that some couples enjoy porn or erotica together. Different strokes for different folks.

[C99]

DH and I are on the same page about it. It's really a non-issue to me.

[lizajane]

i'm sorry, but i just had to say everytime i glance at the lounge and see "internet p0rn" i want to laugh!!!!

bwah ha ha!!!

i don't think it is cheating. i just think it is icky. but if couples use it TOGETHER to enhance their relationship, then no judgment here.

[Tammy]

Neither DH nor I think it's cheating. I've never done it, and DH has only occasionally in the past looked at some raunchy (sp?) pictures, not straight up porn. Either way- I don't care as long as DD's nowhere around and it's not an addiction thing. But I do think both people have to be okay with it.

[vludmilla]

This is us, exactly. We both feel it objectifies women (and men) and is pretty emotionaly, relationally, and morally bankrupt. Granted, this is my/ our opinion.

I think the "quality of life" in the marriage depends upon both partners having the same view/ belief/ opinion as one another. If they both like to praticipate, it will do a lot less harm than if it is just one partner viewing behind the other's back. Nevertheless, I have a close personal friend whose marriage was turned up-side-down because of what started off as a "together" experience and spiraled out of control for the DH. When DW wanted to quit, he couldn't. They are still together, but it has been a huge strain on their marriage. What kills me the most about their situation is that he is an awesome dad to their two lovely DDs. I know he would never want anyone to look at his girls that way. But the women being viewed in porn are someone's daughters. That pretty much makes up my mind that this is a slippery slope I never want to venture down.

I agree. DH and I are of the same opinion on this. He thinks porn is degrading to women and doesn't approve even though it is titillating to him just a bit.

[bubbaray]

DH and I are not on the same page on this. I don't see viewing as cheating in most circumstances, but I do have huge issues with porn from a "its degrading to women" POV. DH, OTOH, says that all men look at porn and its just a matter of whether they tell their partners or not. I dunno. I'm cynical enough to believe him, I'm also cynical enough to not believe him.

He's still a father of two girls -- those women who do porn are someone's little girls, KWIM?

[dcmom2b3]

To address the "Internet" part of that: not an expert, don't know which sites are legitimate and which are not (or, more importantly, how to tell the difference), but I did spend a considerable time last summer counseling a friend through an awful legal mess that started with his viewing Internet porn from some offshore site. He downloded pics. Participants were advertised to be over 18, when in fact they all were not. CC #s were captured, FBI knocked on his door. He was dropped from the investigation not b/c he was innocent, in a strict sense, but b/c he wasn't worth their time to prosecute. He was facing conviction, sex offender registration and loss of custodial rts to his daughter.

Buy DVDs.

[farsk]

Viewing? No.

Behavior he does in secret and doesn't want you to know about? THAT is a problem - THE problem. I think THAT, the secret keeping, and not porn, is the slippery slope.

When I was married, I was like you - I considered it a form of cheating - the fact that he didn't involve me in something sexual for him. I didn't like it at all.

In my current relationship, we watch together. I like it like that. I also like him to scout for things that turn him on or things he'd like to try. The context is that he is thinking about us and he doesn't do it in secret or hope I don't find out.

Like I said, it's the secret keeping that would be a problem for me.

[M&Mmom]

I just have to add a new perspective on this. My grandmother got polio when my mom was 2 and while she could physically have sex after her recovery it was very painful for her. My grandfather, over the years, amassed a large collection of magazines and videos to "satisfy himself" so as not to hurt my grandmother. He was never with another woman and they loved each other until he died. So, in a way, maybe it saved their marriage.

As for me and DH, we view it the same way - what's the point? We have each other.

[wellyes]

I would have a serious problem if DH spend any significant amount of time or money looking at pornography. But I'd be surprised if he -- or the majority of straight men -- was never a porn consumer. I think it was Jon Stewart who said that all men watch porn and pee in the shower, whether they admit it or not. I'm not insinuating anything about anyone here's DH. But there is a reason it's a hugely profitable industry.

I don't consider it cheating. I believe that all people, men and women, have fantasies that do not involve their spouses/partners, and that is OK. Porn falls into the same category for me.

Is it exploitative? It certainly can be. But I don't believe it is inherently so. Women who make the choice to exchange their looks and talent for money aren't, IMO, always being exploited or taken advantage of. I do not believe that it is immoral for a consenting adult to make or act in pornography.

[lisams]

"It's a very slippery slope that isn't worth going down, is degrading to all involved, and disrespectful of the covenant he and I made to each other."

Exactly this and DH and I agree.

I completely agree, as does my DH.

[JoyNChrist]

Eh. I don't really "get" porn...I honestly find it kind of funny. It definitely doesn't do anything for me in a sexual sense.

But my DH is welcome to look if he wants to...I know that he has occasionally, and we do have a subscription to Playboy, but I don't think it's a big deal. If he rents a video or looks at a website here or there, it doesn't bother me at all. As long as it doesn't negatively affect our sex life, and as long as he doesn't start spending a ton of money on it, I don't care.

We're very open with one another and have discussed this many times. It's pretty much a non-issue in my opinion. However, my DH did say that he would stop looking altogether if it bothered me, and I believe him. But I just really don't care one way or the other, so moderate porn is fine in my house.

[mommylamb]

I think it was Jon Stewart who said that all men watch porn and pee in the shower, whether they admit it or not.

Yuck, peeing in the shower... now that's where I draw the line!

[fivi2]

I would have a serious problem if DH spend any significant amount of time or money looking at pornography. But I'd be surprised if he -- or the majority of straight men -- was never a porn consumer. I think it was Jon Stewart who said that all men watch porn and pee in the shower, whether they admit it or not. I'm not insinuating anything about anyone here's DH. But there is a reason it's a hugely profitable industry.

I don't consider it cheating. I believe that all people, men and women, have fantasies that do not involve their spouses/partners, and that is OK. Porn falls into the same category for me.

Is it exploitative? It certainly can be. But I don't believe it is inherently so. Women who make the choice to exchange their looks and talent for money aren't, IMO, always being exploited or taken advantage of. I do not believe that it is immoral for a consenting adult to make or act in pornography.

ITA with all of this, especially the last bit. I think it is a bit condescending (not sure that is the right word) to assume that a grown woman is incapable of choosing for herself whether or not to participate. There is porn that is exploitative, of course, and maybe most of it is. But it does not have to be.

That said, I don't watch it, and dh doesn't either (at least not frequently; I am sure he has to some extent). I do not consider it cheating. But if he is hiding it or spending lots of time and money on it - then it is a problem, like anything else (gambling, alcohol, etc)

eta: I had another thought on the topic. It seems that a lot of women (I am not referring to anyone on this thread, just generalizing) who don't want their dhs looking at magazines or videos are themselves reading romance novels (which, from what I have seen, often cross over into what I would consider erotica...). I think it is odd that it is okay for the women in this situation to have their fantasy outlet, but to deny their dh his fantasy outlet, just because for men it often takes a more visual form. Again, I have no reason to think anyone here does this, but I have seen women irl with romance novels on their shelves who then say it is cheating for their dh to look at Playboy.

[gatorsmom]

Any situation where he could potentially meet and participate with someone else in a sexual or flirtatious way is what I consider cheating. Looking at pictures? not cheating. Going to a strip bar? cheating. Looking at web porn? not cheating. Online chatting even in a flirtatious way? cheating. Phone sex? cheating (even if it is with a 50yo overweight male using a highpitched voice).

DH and I 've talked about it and are afraid of getting viruses from those websites so we don't do it. I'm ok (more than ok on days I"m not in the mood) with him looking at magazines or movies. The problem, according to him is that porn is like looking at a feast but not getting to taste it. What's the fun?

[brittone2]

Viewing? No.

Behavior he does in secret and doesn't want you to know about? THAT is a problem - THE problem. I think THAT, the secret keeping, and not porn, is the slippery slope....

....Like I said, it's the secret keeping that would be a problem for me.
:yeahthat:

I also think some people inherently have more addictive-type personalities. For some people it is probably extremely difficult to view in moderation without it getting out of control. However, I think there are plenty of couples that can make it a fun part of their relationship without having it inflict damage on their marriage.

[JoyNChrist]

eta: I had another thought on the topic. It seems that a lot of women (I am not referring to anyone on this thread, just generalizing) who don't want their dhs looking at magazines or videos are themselves reading romance novels (which, from what I have seen, often cross over into what I would consider erotica...). I think it is odd that it is okay for the women in this situation to have their fantasy outlet, but to deny their dh his fantasy outlet, just because for men it often takes a more visual form. Again, I have no reason to think anyone here does this, but I have seen women irl with romance novels on their shelves who then say it is cheating for their dh to look at Playboy.

I think this is a great point, and really true in a lot of cases. I think that, to a certain extent, everyone has fantasies that don't involve their spouse. There's nothing wrong with that...in fact, I think it's healthy. To say that reading an erotic story is okay but looking at erotic pictures is not is pretty hypocritical, but I know a lot of women who feel that way. Interesting point.

[american_mama]

I don't consider it cheating. On a scale of 1 to 10, with one being I have absolutely no problem with it, I would say I am about a 2, sometimes a 3, rarely a 1. I can't say prn strengthens my marriage - maybe it's like the junk food of sexuality - but, like junk food, in moderation I don't think it's that bad.

There are LOTS of different kinds of prn out there. To the person who said she assums most straight men watch prn, I assume most gay men watch porn too, it's just gay prn. I've heard of woman-friendly prn, and I guess lesbian prn, I just don't know anything about those types. There is amateur stuff, basically people just filming themselves, unshaven, un-air brushed, un-surgically enhanced. There are types of prn I would find offensive or at least bothersome, and sheer volume of any kind can be a problem, but in general, I don't have much of a problem with it.

I have read prn discussions on another message board and been very, very surprised at the number of women who consider it cheating, who are horrified if they find their DH has done it, or, alternatively, the number who say their husband never watches it. In those discussions, I am also saddened at the number of women who are torn up about it and who say it is negatively affecting their sex lives but their DH doesn't care or won't stop.

I think prn is mostly about fantasy, release, relaxation, and curiousity, none of which I find hugely problematic, but when those start intereferring with real life and real relationships, then you start to have a problem.

[kijip]

Every man watches it is as about as true a statement as every man likes football or every man enjoys (insert any activity here). There are men that just don't get into it or who just don't see the need when they have a partner that they can actually be with. We have this cultural idea that men have some sort of private stash and sneak off and watch it behind their female partner's back. It's just not true for all. I think people say all to make themselves feel better about it if they are having trouble with their partner over the issue.

I don't think that pornography is inherently bad, just that some of it is pretty obnoxious. Also, some of it gives some men very false impressions of female sexual response. I can't count the number of women I know who have had a boyfriend or husband claim that since the women in the videos can climax during intercourse, they should be able to etc. Some men get really hung up on it to the point they don't seem to be able to have healthy sex life with their actual, living, IRL partner.

[wellyes]

Every man watches it is as about as true a statement as every man likes football or every man enjoys (insert any activity here). There are men that just don't get into it or who just don't see the need when they have a partner that they can actually be with. We have this cultural idea that men have some sort of private stash and sneak off and watch it behind their female partner's back. It's just not true for all. I think people say all to make themselves feel better about it if they are having trouble with their partner over the issue.

I don't think it's true that men who watch porn do so only because they have an unsatisfying sex life. I think it's more likely that people with a highly charged sex life would be MORE likely, not less, to indulge in sexually-themed entertainment.

[kijip]

I don't think it's true that men who watch porn do so only because they have an unsatisfying sex life. I think it's more likely that people with a highly charged sex life would be MORE likely, not less, to indulge in sexually-themed entertainment.

That's not what I was trying to say...just that some men and women do not watch. All I was trying to say is that it's not fair to say that ALL men consume porn. It's not everyone's taste.