death of a pet

[jhrabosk]

I need some advice and I trust the input here so highly...

I think we're going to lose one of our cats soon. I believe it's right to be honest with 3yo DD about death, but I'm not sure how to get there. She's VERY sensitive about boo boos and such, got really worked up about potential shots at her 3 year well-child visit, etc. I'm concerned that if I tell her the cat was sick, it could upset her and worry her when she or anyone else she loves gets sick.

Thoughts? Pointers?

TIA!

[caleymama]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. :hug:
When I've had to talk to my DDs about similar issues (people or animals) I've told them that sometimes a body gets so old or so sick that it stops working. We have doctors and medicine that can help most of the time, but sometimes they don't help. I haven't gotten into anything with them about heaven/up in the sky/etc. because it's just not my thing.

ETA: Fairy makes a good point about the what happens to the body question - I've said that since the body doesn't work anymore the person doesn't need it any longer. I have emphasized what we *do* have, which is memories, pictures, and other ways of remembering the person or animal. We have talked about being buried and how a cemetery is a special place where people can go to think about and remember their loved ones that have died. More generally, we have talked about how everything that is alive dies at some time, whether it's a plant, an animal, or a person. When something or someone's life is over, they are dead. This is a conversation that is had often, especially with younger DD (3).

[Fairy]

I am so sorry. I completely understand. we lost our cat when DS was about 18 months, so we just dind't address it, and he didn't seem to notice that much. But the other day, literally a few months ago, so DS was almost 4, he was reminded of something and just looked up out of nowhere and said, "Mommy? Where is Moosie?" Completely blind-sided.

I agree that at age 3, honesty is the right way. Explaining that bodies get sick and sometimes they can't get better is a good option, and that's what I'd do. But you may get the question of where you go after your body dies. That happned to me, and I tried my best to explain what I believe, but I am not proud of the fact that I really had a hard tiime. I basically told him that it's very hard to understand and that when he's older, I'll explain it better, but you should know that Moosie loved you, and his soul is somewhere very peaceful and happy.

Good luck, I hope your cat is ok and/or has some peace.

:hug:

-- Fairy

[mommylamb]

I've been thinking about how we will deal with this when the time comes. DS is nearly 17 months now, and our sweet kitty has a heart condition. We're told she will live only another 2-3 years. DH and I are not religious people, which makes explaining it a lot harder. So I'm very interested in how others approach this.

[Mamma2004]

Oh Jessica, this is such a difficult topic. DS had just turned 3 when our dear dog (the female of our two) passed away COMPLETELY unexpectedly. It was a horrific scene, in part because he witnessed my falling apart for the only time in his young life. Like your DD, my DS is extremely sensitive and that only makes the situation worse.

My heartfelt advice is to be gentle but very truthful with her, explaining that sometimes people and animals get so sick that even doctors are unable to "fix" them. What seemed to help my DS - even now, almost 17 months later - is to talk about her openly (even when my voice quivers or I have to fight back tears). We continue to say that she lives on in our hearts and that we shall always treasure our memories of her.

I am so sorry you are facing this difficult situation. My heart goes out to your family!

[Fairy]

I've been thinking about how we will deal with this when the time comes. DS is nearly 17 months now, and our sweet kitty has a heart condition. We're told she will live only another 2-3 years. DH and I are not religious people, which makes explaining it a lot harder. So I'm very interested in how others approach this.

We are also not religious, but we do believe the soul goes somewhere. I want to teach DS that your soul crosses over, and you are in what some people call "Heaven" and what others believe is just another part of existence. I also want to teach reincarnation and past lives. But how to do that with a toddler or my 4yo? I dunno. It was such a hard thing to try to explain to him.

I told him that our cat was very sick and he isn't alive anymore. His body stopped working and the vet couldn't fix him and there was no medicine that would work. I tried not to use the word "died," but that's my neurosis. Eventually I painted myself into a corner and ended up with that word, and he immediately panicked and cried, "am I going to die?!" This was my worst nightmare. I said, no honey, of course you're not! Not all sick pets or people die. Moosie had a disease that could not be cured, but most of the time, the doctors can make you better. But Moosie was very old (he was not), and his body couldn't get better. "So where is he?" I didn't want to say, well, his ashes are in a box in the drawer there, so I said, some people believe that you go to a place called Heaven and you are very happy there. He said, "Is that where Moosie is?" I said yes. He asked where that is. I started to panic. I then just got honest and said, Sweetie, it's very hard to explain, you're such a little guy, and alot of grown ups donn't really understand it. One day when you're older, I'll explain it to you better so that you can understand. But today, just know that Moosie is very happy, he's in a place that all people and pets go when they're not alive anymore, and they can't come back. But one day, I'll explain it better. And he said ok.

It's so hard to do this with the little ones that aren't toddlers anymore. They really do understand that so and so is not here anymore, and we can't go visit, but they don't understand why and exactly where this place is. They cannot conceive of a "place" or a "soul." I hate this topic. I hate this whole concept. One of the hardest parts of parenting for me in my experiences ever.

[caleymama]

Sweetie, it's very hard to explain, you're such a little guy, and alot of grown ups donn't really understand it. One day when you're older, I'll explain it to you better so that you can understand. But today, just know that Moosie is very happy, he's in a place that all people and pets go when they're not alive anymore, and they can't come back. But one day, I'll explain it better. And he said ok.

Aww, I'm tearing up just reading that. What a great answer you gave him.

[jhrabosk]

Thanks all for your kind words and input. I'm going to share this thread with DH so we can come up with our strategy.

While the news came suddenly (an emergency trip to the vet on election night revealed a tumor) and the prognosis is poor (while we had declined a biopsy, the VERY kind vet took it upon himself to have one done and shared the results with DH when he called to ask a question), she's lived a very good long life, and we were able to bring her home to say our goodbyes. Our intention is to keep her happy and comfortable for as much time as she has left.

Thanks again!