I guess DD is worse than I thought!

[LarsMal]

This isn't a b!tch, because I could use some advice here!

Anyone who has read my posts about my almost 2yo DD knows that she is quite a handful! She's been high maintenance from day 1, and she just keeps getting worse! DH and I joke that we don't care what #3 is, as long as he/she doesn't have DD's personality. I was telling that to a good friend of mine and she said, "Oh, I don't think you have to worry about that. M is one of a kind!" I wasn't offended b/c she spends plenty of time around DD, and I'm hoping she's right!

Today we were over at the same friend's house. Her cousin was also there with her DD. My friend tells her cousin, after DD did something (can't remember what) that DD is "the most defiant child" she's ever met "It's really something!" If anyone else had said it I might have been pissed, but this friend spends SO much time around DD, it's an accurate observation, I just didn't realize she felt that strongly about DD's behavior!

I just don't know what to do! Part of it is age, and part is her personality. She is incredibly independent, stubborn, and strong-willed (qualities I hope will serve her well later in life!). For now, though, I just don't know how to deal with her.

Here's a classic DD example: She insists on getting in her carseat by herself, but it's a big step. I showed her how to get up, which she can do, but if I try to support her back while she's turning around to sit down, she'll slide out of the seat to start over- I cannot even touch her to help her in the seat! Then, if I try to move the straps out of the way, she'll put them back in the seat so *she* can move them. And buckling- it's a struggle every time b/c she wants to do it, but can't. Getting her in the seat can take 5-10 minutes. If we're in a rush and I have to put her in, it's usually about a half hour of screaming and crying.

HELP!! I'm really at a loss!

[brittone2]

This isn't a b!tch, because I could use some advice here!

Anyone who has read my posts about my almost 2yo DD knows that she is quite a handful! She's been high maintenance from day 1, and she just keeps getting worse! DH and I joke that we don't care what the #3 is, as long as he/she doesn't have DD's personality. I was telling that to a good friend of mine and she said, "Oh, I don't think you have to worry about that. M is one of a kind!" I wasn't offended b/c she spends plenty of time around DD, and I'm hoping she's right!

Today we were over at the same friend's house. Her cousin was also there with her DD. My friend tells her cousin, after DD did something (can't remember what) that DD is "the most defiant child" she's ever met "It's really something!" If anyone else had said it I might have been pissed, but this friend spends SO much time around DD, it's an accurate observation, I just didn't realize she felt that strongly about DD's behavior!

I just don't know what to do! Part of it is age, and part is her personality. She is incredibly independent, stubborn, and strong-willed (qualities I hope will serve her well later in life!). For now, though, I just don't know how to deal with her.

Here's a classic DD example: She insists on getting in her carseat by herself, but it's a big step. I showed her how to get up, which she can do, but if I try to support her back while she's turning around to sit down, she'll slide out of the seat to start over- I cannot even touch her to help her in the seat! Then, if I try to move the straps out of the way, she'll put them back in the seat so *she* can move them. And buckling- it's a struggle every time b/c she wants to do it, but can't. Getting her in the seat can take 5-10 minutes. If we're in a rush and I have to put her in, it's usually about a half hour of screaming and crying.

HELP!! I'm really at a loss!

One example of classic DD: Sh

I think we have the same DD ;) Mine is 23 months.

Try to view her persistence and strong personality as assets in the long run, although I know it is hard.

I'd try to allow time for her to do it herself. Most 2 year olds love doing things themselves...I think ours are on the early end of that :) When you can't you can't, and you'll have to buckle an unhappy kid (we're forced to do that pretty regularly).

Instead of defiant, just look at it as emerging independence on the early side of things ;)

I can relate to it being challenging. DS was always the kind of kid you could just redirect easily or tell him to not do something, and he wouldn't do it. DD on the other hand...;) DS always wanted to be carried, etc. until he was well over 2, and I was envious of people who had toddlers who would walk. Now I have one that wants to walk (or run!) everywhere when we are out and about, and I think it was much easier to have one that wanted to be carried.

[maestramommy]

Get "Raising your Spirited Child" and read it. I've heard so much about it on these boards that I snatched it off the shelf when I saw it at the library. I'm not yet halfway through but I know that I have two average children who have spirited moments, much like other average children:hysterical: However, people on these boards have said it's very helpful even for parents of average children and they are right.

The thing you describe with the carseat sounds classic. The thing the book emphasizes over and over is that spirited children are normal, they are simply more. More passionate, more persistent, more sensitive, more energetic. More everything. What I really like about the book is that it gives you ways of reframing the qualities you see in your child so that you can help them manage their behavior AND improve the relationship you have with your child.

[brittone2]

Get "Raising your Spirited Child" and read it. I've heard so much about it on these boards that I snatched it off the shelf when I saw it at the library. I'm not yet halfway through but I know that I have two average children who have spirited moments, much like other average children:hysterical: However, people on these boards have said it's very helpful even for parents of average children and they are right.

The thing you describe with the carseat sounds classic. The thing the book emphasizes over and over is that spirited children are normal, they are simply more. More passionate, more persistent, more sensitive, more energetic. More everything. What I really like about the book is that it gives you ways of reframing the qualities you see in your child so that you can help them manage their behavior AND improve the relationship you have with your child.

That's a great book...I haven't read it since DS was young but should re-read it ;) It is good even for not so spirited kids. I haven't read it, but she has a new book out now that is supposed to be awesome called Kids, Parents and Power Struggles.

http://www.parentchildhelp.com/PowerStruggles/tabid/66/Default.aspx

Playful Parenting might be another good one. We love that book in general....always worth revisiting.

[LarsMal]

Get "Raising your Spirited Child" and read it. I've heard so much about it on these boards that I snatched it off the shelf when I saw it at the library. I'm not yet halfway through but I know that I have two average children who have spirited moments, much like other average children:hysterical: However, people on these boards have said it's very helpful even for parents of average children and they are right.

The thing you describe with the carseat sounds classic. The thing the book emphasizes over and over is that spirited children are normal, they are simply more. More passionate, more persistent, more sensitive, more energetic. More everything. What I really like about the book is that it gives you ways of reframing the qualities you see in your child so that you can help them manage their behavior AND improve the relationship you have with your child.

I'll be at the library or B&N for that one tomorrow! "Spirited"- much better than defiant!

[LarsMal]

That's a great book...I haven't read it since DS was young but should re-read it ;) It is good even for not so spirited kids. I haven't read it, but she has a new book out now that is supposed to be awesome called Kids, Parents and Power Struggles.

http://www.parentchildhelp.com/PowerStruggles/tabid/66/Default.aspx

Playful Parenting might be another good one. We love that book in general....always worth revisiting.

Oohh...power struggles, yep! I'll get that one, too!

[Wife_and_mommy]

I think we have the same DD ;) Mine is 23 months.

Try to view her persistence and strong personality as assets in the long run, although I know it is hard.

I'd try to allow time for her to do it herself. Most 2 year olds love doing things themselves...I think ours are on the early end of that :) When you can't you can't, and you'll have to buckle an unhappy kid (we're forced to do that pretty regularly).

Instead of defiant, just look at it as emerging independence on the early side of things ;)

I can relate to it being challenging. DS was always the kind of kid you could just redirect easily or tell him to not do something, and he wouldn't do it. DD on the other hand...;) DS always wanted to be carried, etc. until he was well over 2, and I was envious of people who had toddlers who would walk. Now I have one that wants to walk (or run!) everywhere when we are out and about, and I think it was much easier to have one that wanted to be carried.

ITA with Beth. That being said, my DS is very similar to your girls(DD is not). One *major* tip I have that I didn't start using regularly until a couple of months ago is to *forewarn* her when things have to be a certain way. It is so simple and I regret not realizing how important it is to my DS that things be a certain way. He's literally gone from all-out uncontrollable, maddening(to me) tantrums to a couple of tears, if that.

Re: the car seat issue. If you know you're in a hurry, I'd try telling her asap(as in when she wakes up in the a.m.) that "mommy will have to put you in the seat due to...." or something similar. I think you'll be amazed. DS's big one was being left at church or with a sitter. I start telling him about it at least 3 days in advance. It sounds crazy but it's so worth it for it not to upset him the way we did it before. He'd literally scream for the entire time away(from 1 hr to 3 hrs:( )

This has truly been a huge blessing to him and, in turn, to us.

Hth. :)

[LarsMal]

I can relate to it being challenging. DS was always the kind of kid you could just redirect easily or tell him to not do something, and he wouldn't do it. DD on the other hand...;) DS always wanted to be carried, etc. until he was well over 2, and I was envious of people who had toddlers who would walk. Now I have one that wants to walk (or run!) everywhere when we are out and about, and I think it was much easier to have one that wanted to be carried.

I think part of *my* problem in dealing with her is that this is all so new to me. DS has his moments, but for the most part, he is a very easy-going, laid back kid. He always has been. Everything with him, since day 1 has been so easy (personality wise, allergy issues is another thing, but not his fault!). He slept through the night starting at 6 weeks, he is a good listener and follows directions well. I always say if DD was born first, she might be an only child!

Another issue is that I think DD and I have some similar personality traits. Power struggle is a good term! My mom keeps telling me I was a lot like her, so I guess karma is just getting me back!!

Definitely looking into the books recommended here!

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

Does you friend have kids of her own?

[LarsMal]

Does you friend have kids of her own?

Yeah, she has two DDs (one is 6 months older than DS and the other is 10 weeks younger than DD). Her younger DD is starting to do some similar things mine does, so it's comforting to know that it's part of the age/stage, but my DD takes things to a whole new level!!!

[KpbS]

I know exactly the type of child you are describing. My DN is this to a "t". Her personality has begun to mellow (4 far better than 3) and now at 5 is much, much different than in years past.

Like a pp mentioned warning is key. She does far better when she knows what to expect--from everything to a simple errand to taking portraits. Also 1 on 1 time has always been very important for her.

I was remarking to my sis the other day how much she (DN) has changed. I told her I felt like she always had a lot of angst (for lack of a better word). She had the intelligence and drive to be doing far more than she could at 2, 3, and 4. Now at 5 and reading she is much better adjusted to the world. Far fewer meltdowns, blow-ups, etc. Hang in there, it will get better.

[Tanya]

I'm sure your daughter is more difficult than mine, but your story sure did sound familiar! My daughter is...let me count...26.5 months. My first daughter was a difficult baby, but my absolute favorite age with her was 2! So, along comes THIS ONE. ha ha. Oh, so this is what a terrible two is like?

I just never know what's going to set her off. For the carseat, I give her a slow count of three and if she's not making some major progress getting in, I put her in myself. She's rearfacing and I have to put an arm over her abdomen and the other arm under her knees to get her to bend into a sitting position...and watch out for her teeth (okay, the biting phase seems to be over for the most part, but it was dangerous when we were going though it!).
She can buckle the chest clip herself, so I try to make sure the straps aren't twisted before she gets there. Then, because she can't do the buckle, I try to come in from the underside while she's on the top and help line it up and give it the last click into place. Distractions help. Today, I gave her a bowl with a banana in it to concentrate on for part of the strapping time.
We often show up at school to pick up my kindergartener with the little one screaming because she didn't want to go pick up her sister (and miss Dora on TV). She didn't want a coat. She didn't want her hair done. She didn't want shoes on. She didn't like the outfit I picked out for her. I just choose my battles. Today, she wore snow boots instead of sneakers (sometimes it's princess shoes, sometimes it's just her socks and I carry her). Her hair is hanging in her face. I did get a jacket on her. The other moms just laugh when she's throwing a tantrum. It probably would have embarassed me with DD1. Sometimes I can laugh about it, sometimes it drives me crazy that we're doing fine then wham!, we're late picking up DD1 because something sets DD2 off. Remember how interesting it is to have different kids.

And really, if she's that bad, what are you doing have another one? Ha ha! In many ways, DD2 has been easier than DD1. As babies, DD2 was sooooo much easier. DD1 was a really difficult baby. Maybe your son's just hasn't reached his difficult stage. That's probably not good news.

Anyway, you might try giving your daughter more jobs and then maybe the other more routine things won't be so difficult. Let her help set the table or put some trash in the trash. Have her get something out of a drawer. Mine went through a stage where she wanted to put the keys in the ignition of the minivan (as long as she didn't turn it on like my 5 year old did once!).

Tanya

[ThreeofUs]

I feel your pain. DS1 is a "spirited" child, and it's taken me a long time to find ways to help him work better with the world and with me (and I with him, to be fair).

One thing that really works wonders for us is simple, advance explanations. DS is a very rational, smart child (as many spirited kids are) and he's usually okay with things he understands. Like his mom, though, he's really impatient with/refuses to countenance restrictions that don't make sense to him.

In your carseat example, I'd say as early as I could before hand, 'Love, we have to hurry, so I'm going to need to help you into your car seat. Okay?' And then as we were walking out, I'd say the same thing again.

I see you have two good book recommendations. I need to read "The Spirited Child" again.... Otherwise, I can slide back into a head-butting mode - and that just doesn't work for any of us.

GL!

[MamaMolly]

Julie, have you had DD tested for allergies? I ask because (under Dr. supervision) we have been introducing dairy in baked goods back into DDs diet and the change in her behavior is NIGHT and DAY. She is usually managable, but every.single.time I've given her anything with milk in it she acts just like you describe with DD.

I know that once we have to deal with allergies, we tend to see them everywhere and I may be way off base, but I thought I'd mention it.

In my secret heart of hearts I never really believed that food could effect behavior like this, but man, live and learn. At first I thought it was the terrible 2s, but then I started tracking it because it was like a switch was thrown. Instant monster: just add dairy! HTH

[bethie_73]

Ok I'm going to get the spirited child book and read it. DS will be 3 in Feb, and it hasn't gotten much better yet. Although he can do more by himself, so I begin early and let him do it. I agree with the warnings, DS does MUCH better when we have a warning, like we will watch 1 franklin and then it is time to leave for preschool. The melt downs I get when I try to do anything in a "hurry" is just not worth it.

Although the stopping before he gets to the curb has gotten better :jammin: it used to be that he would run until those toes touched the curb next to the street and then stop. I just really set expectations for him and I think it helps.

[niccig]

I always say if DD was born first, she might be an only child!

This is one of the reasons why DS may be an only child. We babysat for friends and took DS and their DD#2 to kids art center. DH was amazed at the difference, and said maybe we could cope if we had a little girl like her. And she is the handful child in her family.



Another issue is that I think DD and I have some similar personality traits. Power struggle is a good term! My mom keeps telling me I was a lot like her,

Both grandparents laugh and laugh at DS's stories, and tell us they had to wait 30 years, but they got pay back.

DS is nearly 4 and it is getting better in some ways. I think being able to do a lot for himself has helped tremendously. He goes potty, takes belt off, puts it back on, can dress himself including shoes and socks, can get snacks out of the fridge/pantry (he has to ask first), can pour milk/juice with help. It was very difficult at around 2, as he wanted to do things he could not.

Car seat battles were a nightmare for us. I tried making it a race, I would count and we would see if he could beat his prior time. He was allowed to do the chest clip and I did the buckle. He would only get his snack after he was in the car seat. Many a time, I had to hold him in the seat and do the harness up. I'm amazed at the difference now, the car seat is no longer a battle, he just climbs in and we drive off, I NEVER thought that could happen.

I let him have control over several things. He wears what he wants. It's 94 degrees here today (in November!), and he wanted jeans and a long-sleeve flannel shirt to go to soccer practice. I tried saying too hot, and he said he was cold, DH and I tried to convince him, no go. So, I told him I would have shorts and t-shirt and we could change at practice. He put the t-shirt on after 10 mins of playing. Yes, I could have MADE him wear the t-shirt from the beginning, but it would have been screaming tantrum and cranky boy at soccer. And sometimes he does know better. The other morning we told him he needed a jacket for outside, he refused, I told him I had it if he needed it, and he did not ask. I was cold outside, and asked again and he said no, he was fine. And he was.

Shopping, DS until recently was ALWAYS in the cart. That was the RULE. He would sometimes scream as I'm grocery shopping, and I would comfort him and tell him that I was sorry but he could not get out, and keep shopping. I was consistent, it didn't matter if DH or someone was there to help me, he had to be in the cart, so he didn't expect something different next time. Now, he'll ask to go in the cart as too tired to walk, or wants to eat a snack as we're shopping.

It worked if I said "the new rule is...", as he hasn't worked out that I set the rules. He would often listen to others more than me. Eg. preschool insists on socks with sandals. He refused to wear socks, I took them with us to school and had him ask his teacher about the sock rule, he then let me put the socks on him.

We're now into arguing and negotiating. We argued in the car about how snow is made. I was explaining it to him and he was getting upset and telling me that wasn't the right answer etc. I kept trying to explain and I was getting frustrated as he started to yell. Since then, I've tried a suggestion Lizajane posted, you reply "I've already given you an answer and I am not answering you again. But we can discuss something else." - and it's working. I also have the series of children's encyclopedia that Lizajane again suggested (loving your suggestions lately Liza), so I can tell him that we'll look for the answer in the books, and reading it satisfies him.

I do sometimes wonder if I pander too much to him. But I don't let him talk sassy, I don't let him hit/hurt other people or the dogs. He has to say thank you, please, excuse me etc. He has to share with his friends and to wait his turn. In most cases we do Magic 1-2-3, so he does have a chance to change his behavior before a consequence. So, he's not getting his way on the important stuff. Which shirt to wear is not the important stuff to me, and it lets us get out the door. If we're not upset at each other over small things, we can deal more calmly with the bigger issues.

One friend told me that she likes DS as he is his own person and no one will make him do something he doesn't want to do. Which is true, but I have to work out how to parent him, so we both survive!

HTH.

[LarsMal]

Julie, have you had DD tested for allergies? I ask because (under Dr. supervision) we have been introducing dairy in baked goods back into DDs diet and the change in her behavior is NIGHT and DAY. She is usually managable, but every.single.time I've given her anything with milk in it she acts just like you describe with DD.

I know that once we have to deal with allergies, we tend to see them everywhere and I may be way off base, but I thought I'd mention it.

In my secret heart of hearts I never really believed that food could effect behavior like this, but man, live and learn. At first I thought it was the terrible 2s, but then I started tracking it because it was like a switch was thrown. Instant monster: just add dairy! HTH

Yep, she was tested and was negative for all the things they tested for. She still doesn't get much dairy b/c DS doesn't. She gets Yo Baby yogurt every couple days, but that's about it. I've noticed that she gets moody when she needs to eat- which is a lot like me- low blood sugar makes me nasty! She got that from her Mama!

[lexie's mom]

I did not read all the posts but I did see that someone mentioned the book about the spirited child. I also have a daughter that is high maintance, strong willed and very independent. She is now 4 and it is getting easier. But, your story about the carseat does bring back memories of when she was 2. She also pinched me when she was 2 and that made me see RED!!!

DD was in physical therapy since she was 4 weeks old. (She had torticollis - a tilting of the head.) Her PT "diagnosed" her at 6 months with sensory issues. I then had her in Occupational Therapy when she was a year. They taught me how to do the brushing program. When she turned 3, she joined an OT social group with the same OT. Having her in OT has helped tremendously. Maybe that is something to look into...
Good Luck and it does get easier.

Stacey

[Wife_and_mommy]

I think part of *my* problem in dealing with her is that this is all so new to me. DS has his moments, but for the most part, he is a very easy-going, laid back kid. He always has been. Everything with him, since day 1 has been so easy (personality wise, allergy issues is another thing, but not his fault!). He slept through the night starting at 6 weeks, he is a good listener and follows directions well. I always say if DD was born first, she might be an only child!

Another issue is that I think DD and I have some similar personality traits. Power struggle is a good term! My mom keeps telling me I was a lot like her, so I guess karma is just getting me back!!

Definitely looking into the books recommended here!

This was so true for me. I was used to DD and the way I communicated with her. DS was way out of control because I didn't communicate with him the way he needed. Seriously, he's a different child from the one I had this summer. He still has his moments but they are dramatically less often.

[DrSally]

That would be very frustrating! Sounds like a lot of her "defiance" is due to wanting to be independent, like you said. I think I've heard that excessive striving for independence can be an early sign of giftedness. I sure hope it's a phase and once she gains more skills, she won't be so frustrated/frustrating. Alan Kazdin has a book on the "defiant child" that I've been meaning to get. His program is research based, and he recommended it to me when I contacted him. DS is pretty compliant, but I think it's more of an overall program for behavior management, so don't be turned off by the title.

ETA: here it is: http://alankazdin.com/kazdin_method.htm

[maestramommy]

One more thing I'm starting to guess about my girls. I think they need a more substantial breakfast than they've been getting. Dora was eating veggie bacon and Arwyn was eating a fried egg every morning. But Arwyn is getting sick of egg and now loves veggie bacon. The trouble is, I don't think it's really substantial enough. Wed was the worst. They both had 2 strips of veggie bacon and a bowl of oatmeal. I made it in the crockpot the night before with a lot of dried fruit. It was super sweet. They also had milk. I don't know about other people, but oatmeal never stays with me. I had a rehearsal at church and they went to the nursery which they normally both love. That day the caregiver said they were both pretty cranky. It ended in a huge meltdown for Dora when I was putting her in her seat. She was in that "I don't know what I want but I want it now!" mood. Very bizarre. I myself was ravenous and it was only 10:45am. I was going to go home and fix some kind of lunch, but I ended up getting cheeseburgers for the kids on the way home. They scarfed it down, WITH fries, had a nap, and ate a full dinner, which they never do after that kind of lunch. My conclusion is that they need a much more substantial protein/fat for breakfast, so today I bought turkey sausages. Hopefully this will make a difference. They may be going through some kind of growth spurt, but it's also very cold here and Dora WON'T wear sweaters, jackets, sweatshirts. I'm layering her in tshirts and it's 64 inside, 40 outside. So I think both of them are burning a lot of calories staying warm. Like you, low blood sugar might be setting them off. I would've never thought of it, but Beth (egoldbar) mentioned in another thread that low blood sugar can make a kid very cranky, esp in the mornings.

[DrSally]

Melinda, good observation. Mornings, DS likes to watch a show before he eats breakfast. He nurses first thing when he wakes up, so that tides him over for about an hour. I noticed if I get busy doing something and he gets breakfast a little later, the tantrums ensue! He usually eats a big breakfast too, so I know he's hungry in the morning.

[LarsMal]

For as crazy as she makes me, she has her moments of pure cuteness when I just want to eat her up! Plus, this goes along with the low blood sugar, needs to eat idea...

I woke up this morning to DD yelling from her crib, "Daddy, come get me, I wake!"

I went in to get her (DH was already gone) and she said, "Daddy work?" I said yes, so I brought her to my room. She got up in our bed, on DH's pillow, got under the covers and said, "Watch Elmo." I put on the end of Sesame Street (our morning routine is end of Sesame Street/Beginning of Curious George, then breakfast). After about 2 minutes she sat up,

DD: Okay, Mommy, let's go
Me: Go where?
DD: Time for yunch (lunch), I hungy
Me: You're ready to eat?
DD: Mm Hmm...I eat bread n butter and shoclit milk. Come on!

It was so cute and funny! Her language skills are so much better than DS's at this point that I forget how little she really is!

She ate a pretty big breakfast, and so far no meltdowns (we're usually one or two in by now!). We'll see how the day goes. I'm going to work on warnings and see if they help. Fingers crossed!

[brittone2]

For as crazy as she makes me, she has her moments of pure cuteness when I just want to eat her up! Plus, this goes along with the low blood sugar, needs to eat idea...

I woke up this morning to DD yelling from her crib, "Daddy, come get me, I wake!"

I went in to get her (DH was already gone) and she said, "Daddy work?" I said yes, so I brought her to my room. She got up in our bed, on DH's pillow, got under the covers and said, "Watch Elmo." I put on the end of Sesame Street (our morning routine is end of Sesame Street/Beginning of Curious George, then breakfast). After about 2 minutes she sat up,

DD: Okay, Mommy, let's go
Me: Go where?
DD: Time for yunch (lunch), I hungy
Me: You're ready to eat?
DD: Mm Hmm...I eat bread n butter and shoclit milk. Come on!

It was so cute and funny! Her language skills are so much better than DS's at this point that I forget how little she really is!

She ate a pretty big breakfast, and so far no meltdowns (we're usually one or two in by now!). We'll see how the day goes. I'm going to work on warnings and see if they help. Fingers crossed!
:love-retry:

So cute.

[JTsMom]

I know we've talked about this before, but I swear, she is SO much like Jason! I have never met another child remotely like him, and I've worked with tons of kids. My mom swears he is more challenging than all 4 of hers put together, including the twins!

On top of that, at your DD's age, he had next to no words, so he couldn't even communicate what it was that he was freaking out over, and sometimes it was the last thing in the world you would guess!

I second all of the above advice- the book, the eating, the warnings, etc. One thing that helped us a lot was just trying to eliminate power struggles wherever possible. If it doesn't REALLY matter that much, I just let him do things his way. I try to give him as many choices as humanly possible. For example, I moved his shirts down to a low shelf in his closet, and I let him pick which one he wants to wear. I started with letting him choose between 2. You would have thought I gave the child a million bucks! It was SUCH a huge deal to him, that I swear it affected his behavior in other areas. Since then, I've incorporated choices into everything I can think of. I think just knowing he does have some power in his life tones down the power struggles in areas that I must have the final say in.

[bubbaray]

Wow, she's got a lot of words! My DD#2 rarely speaks and she's about a month younger. She had a melt-down at Red Robin last week and out of the blue she screamed "that's my spoon" (which it was). DH and I nearly fainted. She's never spoken a sentence before.

My DD#2 was up for THREE hours in the middle of the night (yawn). Screaming, wanting to play, etc.. I think part of her issue is communication (lack thereof). However, part is food related -- she is a carb-o-holic and I notice how carbs affect her. Its hard to find protein for her with her allergies.

[LarsMal]

If it doesn't REALLY matter that much, I just let him do things his way. incorporated choices into everything I can think of.

Like this?!? She was so proud of herself, too!

http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t180/CJLM/DSC_6611.jpg

I decided it wasn't worth the battle! She doesn't understand that tights are like socks, so she thinks she still needs socks. And the "sparkle shoes" (as she calls them)- those were a give-in buy at Target. They are 2 sizes too big, but she insists on wearing them! I keep reminding myself of the McDonald's commercial (of all things)- what goes in their bodies is more important than what goes on their bodies!

[maestramommy]

LOL! Quite a cutie you go there!

[niccig]

I think she looks adorable.

I know some people worry about the kids clothes and the weird combinations kids can come up with. I was in a parent ed. class and the teacher suggested making a badge that says "I dressed myself". The kids love it and everyone knows that it's not the parent that is clothing challenged.

[saschalicks]

For me you described DS1. The thing is that DS2 was not planned and is our "easy" kid. I keep saying that if I had a choice I may never have gotten past DS1, and that G-d knew that so he quickly sent DS2 to remind me it's not all like that. KWIM?

DS1 as my mother says "needs a lot of attention". He's just a high maintenance kid. He is so independant in his thinking, but wants us to do it when he's too lazy. It's this sick circle.

Julie- you are not alone. Like you DH & I keep saying we pray this little girl inside is more like DS2. However, I will say he's going to be 3 next month and we are seeing it rearing it's ugly head. Like DS1 3 is far worse then 2. G-d save me now...

[LarsMal]

I think she looks adorable.

I know some people worry about the kids clothes and the weird combinations kids can come up with. I was in a parent ed. class and the teacher suggested making a badge that says "I dressed myself". The kids love it and everyone knows that it's not the parent that is clothing challenged.

That's a cute idea! A couple people laughed at her while we were out (in a "isn't that so cute/funny" way). I just looked and said, "She's a do-it-yourself kinda girl!"

[bubbaray]

She looks cute! My DH is more clothing challenged than either of my DDs, LOL. They do a better job of dressing themsleves than he can do picking out their clothes!

[almostmom]

Just another one to say you're not alone! My DS was (is) an angel, though of course has his moments. DD was a colicky baby and was so tantrumy! When you explain the carseat I can totally relate. If I moved the buckles for her, she'd end up in a pile on the floor of the car and was unmovable. And I work, so it would make me so crazy because we'd have to go! There were times when I would forcibly put her in, because she was so recalcitrant. I'll tell you, a few moments later her crying would stop. I hated doing it, but I had no choice.

We have great friends (relatives actually) who have a daughter who was like this when she was little. So we saw that it can actually wear off a bit. Their daughter is now 5 1/2 and outgoing and fun and great. Even though I sometimes still tiptoe around DD, and predict when a tough circumstance might erupt, she is SO much better (she'll be 3 in December). My DS still lets me pick out his clothes at 5, but with DD, I put out choices for her. It takes her awhile, or she asks me to close my eyes, but she picks them and gets dressed. She now gets in her carseat most days. I do struggle with which battles to fight. When I tell her 2 songs before bed and she insists on 3 - do I give in because I know she won't? Sometimes! But not always.
Basically what I'm saying is, hang in there. She is not as unique as you think, just knows what she wants, and it drives her crazy not to get it! Find ways for her to help with things if she can't do them herself. Find a comfort thing to do (for DD, it is to sit with her lovey and a sippy of milk on the couch). Also, my DD actually likes quiet time. She can sit in her room or 30 minutes and look at her books, something DS still doesn't do. She lives in her own pace.

OK, and lastly, I think somethign that has saved my sanity is that my DD has gone to daycare since she was baby. And they have always told me she is a dream, doesn't cry, doesn't complain, helps everybody else out. We've been like, WHAT?!?! No tantrums? No freak-outs? And they laugh and say of course not. It has always been a comfort to know that she can handle the world! And that with us, she can get her way if she works it, or at least feels safe to break down. At her last teacher conference, they told us that if you asked any kid in the class who they would like to sit next to at lunch, every one would say DD. We were in tears.

So know it will get easier. And we all know, as you do, that it is one part of who she is, and the other part is super cute and smart, (and sometimes a bit smartly manipulative!) and that she knows you love her and are there for her, and that is the most important thing.

Hang in there!

[maestramommy]

I think she looks adorable.

I know some people worry about the kids clothes and the weird combinations kids can come up with. I was in a parent ed. class and the teacher suggested making a badge that says "I dressed myself". The kids love it and everyone knows that it's not the parent that is clothing challenged.

:hysterical: I wish had one of these for the days Dora insists on picking out both her pants and top. Which seems to be everyday now. None of her outfits coordinate anymore, and she insists on wearing the fire dept shirt that looks filthy even though it just came out of the wash. I just close my eyes and pray nobody notices.

[LarsMal]

Thanks for all the great replies! I'm definitely going to look into the books recommended here. It is just so comforting to know that she is a bit more normal that I thought!

I'm going to try to use a lot of the tips I've gotten here. Reading your stories, too, made me realize that these "spirited" kids do have a lot in common. DD is very head-strong, but she loves to cuddle and will sit and rock with me and read books for an extended period of time. It's those moments I need to focus on, and just try better to deal with the other, not-so-pleasant times in a way that is better for HER, not necessarily me!

Deep breath! I can do it!!!

Thanks again!