Dealing w/grief & the holidays - btdt advice?

[Twoboos]

I think it's going to be a long 6-8 weeks ahead. Anyone have any tips/advice/books/websites on dealing with grief during the holidays. I walked into a store playing holiday music the other day and was caught completely off-guard, had to stop to do deep breathing.

I keep thinking I can handle it but clearly I can't.

I probably need to go on some anti-depressants...

tia.

[elektra]

So sorry.
No advice on books but I can share what seemed to help my mom the year her mom passed away.
I know that the year my grandmother passed away, my mom wanted to change things up for the holidays a bit since if we did the same exact thing (going to my mom and dad's on Christmas Eve, inviting the same people, etc.) she thought she would just be too sad looking over at the chair where my grandmother used to sit, and things like that.
So we ended up starting some new traditions that year, and we had Christmas Eve at my house instead, and then the next year we even went to Hawaii for Christmas.
I realize that this could be sad in a way too (changing the tradition) but we all embraced it as a fun new thing, and for my mom, she said it really helped her.
And you shouldn't hesitate to see a dr. to get meds if that's what you need. It's what I would do.

[g-mama]

First, :hug:.

Second, I lost my mom on January 2nd - this year it will have been 6 years. I have to tell you that holidays were really difficult for me for the first 3-4 years. Not only the fact that my mom was at her sickest and died right during the holidays, but all the memories of how wonderful she made the holidays for me my entire life.

It took all I had to make it through some days when my pain was at its most raw. I love my dh's family (luckily) but there were times I would sit back and watch them and feel so envious that they had what I no longer did - a mom that held the family unit together and the innocence of not knowing how much everything would be different for them if they didn't.

To be honest, I had such a difficult time that I decided to get some counseling. It wasn't just the holidays, it was everything. The therapist really helped me to work through my feelings and in the end it came down to this: I decided to make a serious effort to think about all that my mom did to make Thanksgiving and Christmas special for me and my family when I was growing up. I decided that I was going to put my energies into doing the same for my children instead of focusing on her absence. I wanted them to have the same warm and cozy memories of our home during the holidays the way I did.

If you think you need antidepressants, you probably do. I did and took them for a long time. It's really hard to be a young mom and not have your own mom to lean on through these times. I only came to the place I've described through TIME, talking and counseling. It's been 6 years and I can tell you, it gets better. Time is a wonderful thing.

[egoldber]

Grief is very often especially strong around the holidays. There is so much emphasis on family and tradition that the loss feels so strong and there are always constant reminders. I think it is very natural and your loss is very new.

As far as meds go, if you think you are depressed and you, in consultation with your physician and/or therapist think that you would benefit, then I would take them. But I wouldn't take them just because you feel sad, even deeply sad. You lost someone you love. Sadness and grief are normal and natural, even while they are painful. I personally believe that there is value in letting your body and mind feel these emotions to their depths rather than trying to obscure it with meds. Grief is a process that takes time.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[gatorsmom]

I've been thinking about you lately wondering how you are doing right now. There is no way of getting around it- the first Holidays after the death are hard. I've found that keeping some traditions is comforting but making new ones and trying to make them fun has been helpful. Instead of my mom making Christmas breakfast now we make it a potluck. We still celebrate it at my dad's house but now we all pitch in and help with the meal. We've tried more and more to make the Holidays about the children since that is where we find the most joy. My mom used to painstakingly decorate her tree and we'd exchange gifts at her house. My dad refuses to put up her tree (it's too painful for him) and complains like Scrooge that he doesn't want a tree. So we have a joke now about the situation. My dad's sister gave us a 3 foot pre-decorated tree that is rather ugly and she didn't want. We take it out of the box on Christmas Eve, let the kids hang some tiny ornaments on it and after Christmas we take it down and put it away for my dad. That way we have a tree to put presents under, we've joked about how ugly the tree is every year when we put it up, we always talk about how Grandma Judy is probably looking down on us shaking her head and the kids do their best to pretty- it up. It's our new tradition.

Every year it gets easier. Like I said, some of the old traditions are comforting (getting together at my dad's house) and we've changed the ones that are painful (like decorating the Christmas tree for my dad). As the time goes by, the new traditions are starting to feel comfortable and the old ones are easier to reminisce about. And there are silver linings to every cloud. Now that my mother is gone, we've noticed that getting together for the holidays is not just a rut we are in but something that we want and try to do. My family members have built new relationships with each other. For example, I never used to talk to my brother. We don't have that much in common and I always used to know how he was doing through my mom. But now, I actually call and talk to him about the holidays. It's nice. I feel like I'm reaching out to him. And I've gotten closer to my dad than I've ever been.

I'll be praying for you. Just focus on making your daughters' Christmas better. In future years you'll remember that more than the pain. hugs.

ETA- if you think you need medicine to get through this then do what's best for you. I would find myself crying in the cookie dough (bawling really) while I was mixing my mom's favorite Holiday recipe. But I just cried it out and felt my feelings. I just let them wash over me and didn't try to stop them. That was hard but very, very comforting too. I just let it all out. And I laughed too because I baked up that cookie dough and nobody was the wiser that it had some of my tears in it!

[cvanbrunt]

This will be my 3rd round of holidays without Mom. I still get caught off guard. Sometimes I start crying as I'm driving to work. Or just puttering around in the house. Or at the grocery store. Christmas is especially hard because our traditions centered entirely around her. She was German and we had this very traditional, European celebration. And the pasteries! I just loved it. But recreating it just feels wrong. Neither me or my sister has been able to bake yet. Maybe next year. My girls are so young that we decided that we really need to start our own traditions. My niece and nephew flat out said they don't want to go Grandpa and Grandma's house because it wouldn't be the same. Christmas is at my house now. There is no rule that you have to celebrate a holiday the same way forever. Or at all.

It is really hard the first time. It gets a little better the next. I just have to echo Beth that grief is normal. It hurts. But feeling that hurt when it comes make it hurt a tiny bit less when it blindsides you the next time.

[Twoboos]

Thanks to all for your replies as usual!! :cheerleader1: (I should add all the lovely BBB posts I've rec'd to Liza's "be thankful" thread!!)

For some reason today I got hit really hard... I don't know why. Maybe because it's only been 17 days (but seems like months), and I feel like I have just not had a chance to process this, grieve and start to move forward. The girls, although wonderful, do not allow me any time to focus on anything. I really feel like I need to get away from everything & everyone, just for a little bit.

Then, icing on the cake, tonight DD1 was working on a preschool project on family and suddenly it clicked that my mom died. She completely lost it. It pretty much ripped my heart out. I've been following her lead (complete with conversation yesterday about heaven and "when we die we can see Mimi!") but yesterday she didn't really *get* it. Tonight, she got it. I got out a couple of books on heaven and missing someone who dies, and she seemed better. Oh goodness. Just crying and sobbing "Mimi! Mimi!" over and over. Brutal.

I forgot to mention, I am seeing a therapist. And am considering meds not just to dull the sadness, but to help make it through the day, try to find some motivation for anything, enjoy things again. With the long drawn out illness and dying process, I've probably been depressed for a while.

This is just all new weird territory. I have no parents, now go forth and celebrate Thanksgiving/Christmas. Hello?? Crazy.

[graciebellesmomma]

Run away. Seriously.

My son was killed on Thanksgiving, 6 years ago. He had turned 18, exactly one week before. So his birthday is November 19th and then, good old turkey day. I do not celebrate Thanksgiving anymore. Can. Not. Do. It.

My husband, daughter and I spend the day together at a movie, have sushi and love on each other. My family is still up in arms about it. My stepmom just started talking to me after we told them, again, two years ago, that we would be spending the day alone.

We spend Christmas in Maui, but if that weren't an option, it would be somewhere else. Anywhere else. I have made new traditions for my daughter, but can't bear to try to have holidays the way they were for 18 years. Again, family is sad, but are dealing with it. My daughter has no idea what our holidays used to be like. She is 6 and all she knows is Xmas in Hawaii with the same group of people that we have met there.

Time does soften it, but I will always remember what it used to be like and wish it were still that way.

[tiapam]

My mom died four weeks after DS was born, so I am experiencing the same thing, though not the double whammy you have had with first your dad and then mom. Right now, I am picturing a bunch of people crying at the table during Thanksgiving dinner. I have not really tried to imagine Christmas yet, though I realized today I have to get through a trip to the ILs and I feel like these feelings are going to come up there.

Our outing for today was the cemetery. I so wanted my mom to see more of this baby before she went.

Twoboos, sorry to hijack and not even give any help. I will PM you.

graciebellesmomma, I want to say something about your story but I have no words, just sadness.

[kellyd]

I lost both parents in September... married 6 weeks later, then the holidays... it wasn't easy. Heck 7 years later its still not... but it's definately not as paralyzing as it used to be. With us, we kept ALL of our traditions with little changes. Thanksgiving used to be just my immediate family and my mom cooked. My first thanksgiving w/o them I cooked and invited both sides of our family. I love it. I make dinner for around 25 people. It keeps me busy which is what I need.

Christmas is more difficult. We do a lot of visiting and my mom's family tries to force us into spending most of the day with them. They claim I only visit for a short time because of my mom, and lay on the guilt really thick! But I stick by my guns. Bottom line YOU do what YOU need to do to get through the season.

[missym]

My mom died unexpectedly last October, right before her birthday. The whole holiday season was really difficult. I echo what you and others have said that with little ones, it feels like there is never time to grieve. It's been a year and I still feel this way.

We went to DH's folks house for Christmas, and occasionally I would just go shut myself in the guest room and cry for a while. It was easier to "get away" there since the kids were more distracted. Gwen hated for me to cry and at home she watched me like a hawk.

It's going to suck. I wish I could tell you otherwise. But the good memories surrounding the holidays are a gift that will leave you breathless, as well. Hang in there, mama. :hug:

[clc053103]

My father was diagnosed with cancer between Thanksgiving and Christmas 2006, died early 2007. I spent that holiday being "over the top"- knowing full well it could be the last holiday spent with us- I exhausted myself being "festive" when inside I was dying. Last year was our first Christmas without him. Again, I went all out festive when inside I was dying- but this time, I did it for those who were still with us that were grieving, and also, for DS who deserved to have a special Christmas. I plan to do the same thing this year- maqybe I really didn't feel like celebrating- but making the holiday joyous and special kept me occupied and didn't give me much time to dwell in my grief.

There's no one way to get through the holidays after a loss, just like there's no right way to grieve. You do what's right for you- whatever gets you through the days. Hugs to you!

[pb&j]

My daughter was stillborn in November 4 years ago, and the first Thanksgiving (3 weeks after her death) was so hard. My mom ended up being pretty aggressive about getting me to decorate for Christmas (bought me a tree, etc), but I just didn't feel like it. I gave the tree away, did not decorate. It was what *I* needed, even if it made my mom upset. It was much easier to celebrate the holiday when it was just one day, rather than a whole protracted season.

ETA: My mom also pressured me to go on antidepressants. I declined that as well. I was grieving, not sick, and I needed to go through it and to *feel* it in order to process it. I didn't feel that it was appropriate for me to try to drug my way out of it just to make her feel more comfortable. That said, big events like these can be triggers for depression, and you should absolutely get the help that you need. But feeling sad and angry so soon after your mother's death is totally normal. Grief is a long, hard process - antidepressants won't change that.

You do what you need. If celebrating makes you feel better, then go for it. If it makes you feel worse, then do NOT let anyone make you feel guilty for declining to participate.

Hugs to you.

[Twoboos]

Just wanted to thank you all again for sharing your advice and difficult stories. Especially those who have lost children. For as hard as this is for me, I cannot imagine what you all face each day. I have so much respect for you mamas. I hope that doesn't sound condescending, I'm definitely one of those people who never knows the right thing to say.

Basically none of my IRL friends have been through this, so it's hard to find someone to talk with who's been there. (although I do take the cake for both parents in one year...) I know it's going to suck and take time. But I am one of those people who needs to "know" or have a plan for something or know what to expect. Just expect the unexpected, I guess. I think each day will have ups and downs. Today I saw a Christmas tree up and did NOT have a panic attack. So, one step forward.

For Thanksgiving we are in fact running away, we'll spend it w/MIL (which will likely lead to many b*tching posts :)). I'm not sure yet what will happen for Christmas.

Honestly, I am so grateful for your replies and PMs. thank you.