I am not the nanny.

[kayte]

While there will be some bitching in this post--I do honestly need help so that's why I posting this thread here.

Why does my husband not take any responsibility when I am anywhere near? He does fine with DD when I am not home but the second I am near he seems to think he has no real responsibility. For instance they can be playing and I am working on something and she gets hungry --I have to fix her lunch. If I was not here he would do it--but I feel like I am the freakin nanny when I am home. It really angers me because I feel like I have to run away from my family to get any time where I am not parenting --there is no time where it is the three of us and I am not the responsible party. It makes me crazy. Last week we went to his friend's house to watch football--I always have to pack toys, clothes, food, nap pillow and blanket, etc... He never offers to help or even considers that you might need some of that stuff when we go anywhere--just assuming I'll handle it. So last weekend I just didn't pack food. Just didn't do it. You should have seen the look on his face when I suggested he would need to go get her something to eat for dinner. He was so irritated--but has it made him consider that he needed to think about it today??? No....

This morning he said he would handle DD since he has been working (out of town) or playing golf all week.... But I found myself fulfilling the real needs she had past a playmate--like taking her to the potty and getting her food. Plus he gets on the phone to talk and expects me to handle DD even though I am in another room. When you are watching her, you have to wait until naptime to be on the phone. It irritated me so I went in our room and closed the door. He came in and asked if he should leave with DD so I could be alone--- He doesn't understand he though I say it REPEATEDLY I don't want to be segregated I just don't want to be on duty.


Help.

[lizajane]

have you communicated these feelings to him when you are not angry? i have had a lot of trouble with these sorts of things in my house and i have found that what works best for me and my DH is to talk about expectations when feeling relaxed. i use clear words without any negative charge behind them and share my feelings, not just my expectations. for example,

"honey, i have been feeling really overhwhelmed with all of the work required in taking care of DD. it helps me feel so much more relaxed when you take care of her for a while so i can do something different. it really helps me recharge. i was hoping that you could continue to help me in this way when i am home. i would love to work together to take care of DD when we are at home as a family so that we can both share the responsibilty and the relaxation. sometimes i feel like i am the one who fills all her needs when we are together and maybe it is because i have always done it and you didn't know i wanted to take a break. do you think you could make her lunch sometimes or get her dressed for a playdate? those little things would make a big difference to me."

[AuGoldie]

That must be really frustrating for you! Men are just programed to assume certain roles and for women to take on others and it will take some real communication for him to realize what you expect from him. From reading your post it seems that instead of sitting down and having some genuine talks about expectations you are just doing small rebelious things when he disapoints you. Men don't get these little acts of rebelion.... they just don't. You need to spell out for him really clearly what you would like so that he has no trouble fulfilling your expectations. It's very probable that he just doesn't know what DD will need, you need to tell him. He will appreciate the direct instruction and he will appreciate not having an annoyed wife for reasons he might not understand. Good Luck with this!
Jackie

[maestramommy]

That must be really frustrating for you! Men are just programed to assume certain roles and for women to take on others and it will take some real communication for him to realize what you expect from him. From reading your post it seems that instead of sitting down and having some genuine talks about expectations you are just doing small rebelious things when he disapoints you. Men don't get these little acts of rebelion.... they just don't. You need to spell out for him really clearly what you would like so that he has no trouble fulfilling your expectations. It's very probable that he just doesn't know what DD will need, you need to tell him. He will appreciate the direct instruction and he will appreciate not having an annoyed wife for reasons he might not understand. Good Luck with this!
Jackie

:yeahthat:

My Dh always wants to be helpful, but when I am home, I have to spell out in detail what I need from him, or I end up frustrated and he's confused. He's great when I'm out of the house, but things are always a little hazy when we're both home. I have a rhythm going with the girls during the week, and he's afraid to mess it up. He's also (get this) afraid to override/undercut my authority when I'm disciplining the girls, so unless I specifically ask him, he lets me handle it.

[M&Mmom]

BTDT, but no real advice. This has been an ongoing problem with DH and me too. He'll do fabulous when he is alone with DC's - including when I am working all day (out of home) and he is home with them throughout the summer. So don't tell me he doesn't know what they need. But if I'm around he just doesn't do it. One time we were going out to dinner and I asked if he would get the kids stuff ready. We ended up scrounging around the diaper bag, restaurant menu and stuff just to get them enough safe food - forget healthy! He was very upset with himself for forgetting everything, but he hasn't gotten much better.