DD has a late bday -- what would you do?

[Babywhite]

DD was born on the "cutoff" day, so she is the youngest in her class -- age 4. The pediatrician and her teacher both say that she is very mature and has advanced social skills. Both think she is doing well as the youngest and should go on to K5 next year. I'm not sure...

During our first parent/teacher conference, the teacher stated that DD's fine motor skills, etc. are right on track for her age. While this is great, the problem is that she doesn't understand why she can't do some of the things the "older" kids in the class are doing -- ie writing letters better, cutting, etc. The teacher has noticed that her confidence in this area has decreased, and she seems frustrated by this..

While I understand that these skills are right on track for her "age", she doesn't. I am very concerned about it sffecting her confidence.

Should we consider letting her do another year of Pre K4 vs. going to K5 where this could not only continue but cause long-term problems?

(Also, she will be attending a private school starting next year. It is a little advanced...)

TIA for your opinions...

[maestramommy]

You know your dd best. If you think overall she would benefit from another year of pre-k I would keep her there. Esp. since she is going to private school anyway and you say it is a bit advanced. My DD1 was born one day after the cutoff and in our district you have to go the private school route if you want them to enter 1st grade early. We're not going to do that, unless she takes a giant leap forward socially/emotionally and shows signs of being gifted or something, none of which we've seen.

[egoldber]

I would send her to K5 unless you have a specific reason not to. The perfectionism, BTW, is very common in gifted children. But if she is on "level" and has no particular social issues I would send her.

But that is my bias. I am pretty much anti-retention unless there is a very specific reason and/or diagnosis which shows the child will benefit. Sarah's birthday is 6 weeks before the cutoff and I agonized for literally years over what to do. I found a small private non-academic half day K to send her to so that I could repeat K as a full day academic experience if we needed to. I ended up sending her to first grade "on time". She has been completely fine academically and actually above grade level. I can't imagine her being in K again last year rather than first, when she was already reading chapter books.

[mecawa]

I would wait before making that decision. Between now and June she may change so much and that it will be a no brainer to send her on to K. Not being able to do something the other kids can do and feeling frustrated is normal and not something I would necessairly keep my DD back for, however you know your her best, if it's so much frustration that it stresses her out and she starts to dislike school/learning/trying then you may want to keep her back but I would just watch her and wait so much can happen within the next part of the year.

[Melbel]

nak

If there is any doubt, I would absolutely hold. Often the benefits of holding are not seen for many years (think adolescent peer pressure). In your case, I think you would see immediate benefits, particularly in her confidence. DD1 just missed the cut off and I am thrilled that she is one of the older children in the class. She is a leader, both academically and socially. Her teachers are able to give her more advanced assignments to keep her challenged and make her feel special. She really shines, and I do not think this would be the case if she were the youngest. I should add that there are children in her grade that are more than 7 months older than DD1. Pediatricians often advise that parents frequently regret not holding, but seldom, if ever, regret holding. Of the many parents that I know personally who have made the decision to hold their DC, several of which are academically advanced, they are all happy with their decisions. You will undoubtedly receive advice to send on time based on others' experiences. Based upon the information you provided, IMHO, giving her an extra year would be an amazing gift to allow her to shine rather than having to play catch up (even it is only in some areas). Good luck with your decision!

[SnuggleBuggles]

We debated long and hard with our summer boy and ultimately sent him on time rather than hold him out. It has been a good choice for us. We mostly made it on the advice of his teachers. I figured that they knew his school abilities well, maybe even better than me.

I see the +/-s of going on time/ holding out. But, I think that going on time wins in my book because it just gets harder for the whole system if all of a sudden there is a 2 year age spread/ grade. That doesn't benefit anyone in the class because the teacher can't really effectively teach to all those various ages ideally. Perhaps you should find out the norm for the school. One private school we wanted for ds1 was a no-go b/c they only wanted older kids for their program. Despite the age cut off being 5 by 9/1 they said all their kids were 6 going on 7.

Lots of leaps happen in the blink of an eye. Don't lock yourself in just yet.

Beth

[heidiann]

I have to first admit that I did not read all the responses to your thread.

This is something I am extremely passionate about and heres my comment DO NOT SEND YOUR DD TO SCHOOL LOL.... ok so that may be a bit overboard so heres my experience.
My dd was born one day shy of the cut off date, I had her tested (she had to test at a mental age of 6.2 years, which she did fine) I so wished now I would not have sent her to school. Oh grade wise shes fine, all a's with the occasional B, BUT its so different in High School (shes a sophmore now) being the youngest in her class and all her friends being able to "go out", hanging out with kids almost a year and a half older than her in some instances I am no longer liking the sitation anymore lol... there are drugs and alcohol to think about also, yes they are at every school and even though kiddos can be level headed enough to make the correct choices, my kiddo is being exposed at a younger age than all her friends b/c I made the choice to send her to school early.
I could ramble on and I won't, but also just think you'll be sending your baby off to college at a younger age also, and although people can make the comment "I did it and I was fine" this is a much different world than even 5 years ago. Heck I'm struggling to think my almost 18 year will be going to college in Aug., how am I going to sleep at night lol...

[CiderLogan]

Our DD is 3 days shy of the cutoff, so she'll always be the youngest in her class. She started K this year and is thriving. She's at the top of her class, and you'd never know she's the youngest. (She also had a few fine motor issues in 3/4yo preschool but is totally on track now.) Her confidence soared once she started K (even though she was already in a great preschool program before - but I think she needed the extra challenge of a new, bigger school to really push her to come out of her shell). I have no regrets.

BTW, I'm a summer birthday girl, and I loved being young for my grade. It made me feel good to have accomplished more by X age than everyone else.

[egoldber]

Her confidence soared once she started K (even though she was already in a great preschool program before - but I think she needed the extra challenge of a new, bigger school to really push her to come out of her shell). I have no regrets.

One thing I considered very carefully was the fact that Sarah really wanted to go to first grade and not kindergarten again. Some kids are oblivious to the age and when you start what grade, but not my kid. She's a bit obsessed about it and I don't know where it came from because we NEVER talk about that here in front of her.

For *her*, it would have been a huge self esteem issue to be held back. She talks somewhat (not in a negative way) about kids in her class who have been retained a grade or who were held back (her best friend is 13 months older than her because he was held back) so it is definitely something that kids talk about and some kids really feel it. And she is also VERY proud of being 7, being a second grader and what she can do.

So your own child's personality is a big factor. I was also always young for grade (back in the day when no one ever held their kids back) and it was never an issue. I understand that things are somewhat different today, but I did go to an inner city high school where drugs and gangs were very prevalent. Some kids are mature enough to deal with it and some aren't. Unless you hold them back until they are 25. ;)

[jenmcadams]

I would send her to K5 unless you have a specific reason not to. The perfectionism, BTW, is very common in gifted children. But if she is on "level" and has no particular social issues I would send her.

But that is my bias. I am pretty much anti-retention unless there is a very specific reason and/or diagnosis which shows the child will benefit. Sarah's birthday is 6 weeks before the cutoff and I agonized for literally years over what to do. I found a small private non-academic half day K to send her to so that I could repeat K as a full day academic experience if we needed to. I ended up sending her to first grade "on time". She has been completely fine academically and actually above grade level. I can't imagine her being in K again last year rather than first, when she was already reading chapter books.

Whenever these discussions come up, I always seem to end up quoting Beth. I think it's important to realize that no studies support retention or red-shirting in the absence of any specific reason (beyond age). In fact, the studies show pretty much the opposite -- while young K students might seem a little behind initially, that all evens out by 3rd or 4th grade (at which point most teachers are unable to tell who is younger and who is older just based on performance and behavior).

Our story is pretty typical of someone who is happy with sending a child on time (not early, but on time). With my young DD (8/29 DOB with a 10/1 cutoff), we couldn't be happier about having sent her. She started out in the bottom half academically, but by the end of the year was probably in the top third. Now, in first grade she's in the top reading group with kids who are all older (either stayed back or just barely made the cutoff) and she's doing great. She had had three years of preschool and was ready socially and emotionally and we knew she'd do fine academically once that all started (we had sent her to a very arts-based, non-academic preschool, so we figured she'd be behind all of the kids who started K reading). She's on the taller side and always seemed to be friends with kids who are slightly older, so I don't think anyone would have ever known she was the youngest in her grade. In fact, her first grade teacher said she normally can pick out the kids with summer birthdays, but never would have guessed DD was young.

As far as the argument that people make that they're not holding their kids back for now, but for later (junior high, high school, etc.), I don't buy into it. There's definitely some element of feeling pressure to do it because everyone else is doing it and the defacto start age is approaching 6 in a lot of places for K, so my DD will be a freshman in high school at 14 with seniors who are 19, but the difference between a 14 year old and a 17-18 year old is still a big deal and a lot of those same issues came up for me (freshman dating seniors, etc.).

My DH and I spent a lot of time thinking about it and we just came to the conclusion that she was ready and we would be doing her a disservice by not sending her. I think she was ready for the stimulation (both academic and social) that her full day K provided.

Finally, specifically regarding your DD's fine motor skills...my DD had very little interest in writing and drawing at the beginning of her last year of preschool, by spring her writing skills were starting to take off and while she didn't have the best handwriting at the beginning of K, she was dead in the middle. The range of abilities in terms of fine motor skills in K was amazing and by the end of K, handwriting was one of her strengths. So, as far as making a decision, if I were you I would lean towards taking the teacher's advice for now and sign her up for K and then if you need to change your mind and do another year of Pre-K, you can decide in the summer.

Edited to Add: I have a .PDF file somewhere that is a good summary/overview of the academic research on redshirting (I think it was from the NAEYC journal) that I could send you if you want. Just PM me.

[Fairy]

DS is September 15th, so he missed the deadline by only 2 weeks. I struggled with this, too, but he really is better off being the oldest in his class in my opinion. From what you're describing, I'd have her repeat prek and then go to K the following year. But alot can happen in a year, so it's a tough choice. I think if you keep her back, you can always enrich with other things later to keep her stimulated and learning, whereas if she moves on and is needing help, that's a bigger challenge. That's been my approach, FWIW.

[lovin2shop]

My DS is 2 days younger than the cut off date. He went to private K last year and is doing public K this year. I hadn't planned on the private K, but his preschool recommended the class for him as it had mostly boys that had fall birthdays and they were his friends already from his preschool class. I'm very happy so far that he is "repeating" K. It did not bother him to repeat as his preschool was very small, and I just explained that he would be starting at the beginning at a big kid's school. He really enjoys being the oldest in his class and there is a lot of confidence that comes with this advantage. The downside that I've always heard is that boredom can lead to trouble. So far, we haven't had a problem, but I could see it for some kids. My DS just loves school generally and likes being around the other kids, and he very rarely gets into trouble. I talked to a lot of teachers before making my decision and it was interesting that most of the elementary teachers said to move him on to 1st grade, but all of the middle school and high school teachers said to keep him in K. His teacher and I have had discussions about keeping him challenged and it hasn't been a problem. So, I think that the deciding factor is the temperment of your child. Also, there are financial implications to holding back and those bear consideration also. And finally, FWIW, there were a few kids from his class last year that went on to 1st grade and they are all doing fine as well.

[Gena]

You don't mention if your state has an early cut off date or a late cut off date. When I started kindergarten (30+ years ago), my birthday has a week before the cut off date and I was the youngest in my class. It wasn't a problem at all. There were a couple of kids who were only a month or two older than me, which really isn't much of a difference. When I was on 2nd grade, we moved to another state. Our new state had a kindergarten cut off date that was 3 months later than our old state. This meant that I was no longer the youngest in my class and there were other children with birthdays around the same as mine and several with birthdays a month or two later. So that might be something to consider if you foresee the possibility of moving in the next few years.

Personally, I would lean towards enrolling her in K5. I don't see a real advantage to holding her back, unless there are other issues.

[Babywhite]

Thanks so much for the replies. :)

I have been concerned about this situation for some time now. We are very close friends (more like family) with a couple whose DD is 10 months older than my DD. When they were little it was great, but as they have gotten older it has become a little bit of a problem...

(Please note that the kids love, love, love each other....)

I think the reason the teacher's comments about the negative feelings and confidence issues really hit home was b/c we have been seeing it for some time. DD is constantly comparing herself to her best friend and a few others that she plays with that are a little older. (Ex: snapping your fingers -- once her BB could do it -- she has become obsessed with learning to do it --- everyday... several times a day...regardless of what I say...)

Not only have we noticed this behavior -- but others at church, etc have commented about it. (I realize that this may just be common behavior among kids in general...)

I called the school that she will be attending next year, and I could have them test her. This might really will help me/us to make a better decision.

(Some of you asked about the cut-off date for our area: it is before (or on???) Sept 1 and DD's bday is Aug 31 (at approx. 7:00 pm :))

As a last note, there is another preschool that has a great K5 program in our area. I have considered letting her go there (we are on a waiting list) for K5 next year. That way if we need to repeat the following year -- it would be repeating K5 instead of K4 -- and it would be at at different school, so the other kids wouldn't know when she starts her "real" school the next year that she is repeating K5.

Any thoughts on that idea??

Thanks again for your input!

[jk3]

I would not hold her back.

[jamesmom]

I would not hold her back unless you really feel she isn't ready.

I chose to send my young DS to public kindergarten this year. His birthday is a couple of days before the cut-off. He is the youngest in his class, and probably will always be as long as we remain in this school district. Believe me, it was a hard decision to make. We agonized over sending him to K this year vs. next year for a whole year, but we are glad he started Kindergarten this year. He's learning a lot of new things in school, really likes his classmate and his teacher, loves the whole school experience of taking the school bus, circle time, art class, music class etc, and seems to be doing fine academically.

There are the things that factored into our decision:
- The public kindergarten in our school district is half-day. I probably wouldn't have sent him if it was a full-day program.
- DS was tested extensively for kindergarten readiness by the learning specialists, school psychologist and kindergarten teachers from his school. They did that because we requested an evaluation to see if he qualified for special services. He does, but they also felt he was ready and would thrive in kindergarten, and they had the resources to help him learn in school. DS receives occupational therapy in the classroom, and also speech therapy outside the classroom at school. He is doing well and keeping up with his classmates, academically.
- DS seemed to be ready for kindergarten by August, which is when we pulled him out from the pre-k program at a private school. We had double-registered him in both a pre-k program and public kindergarten. That would be a good thing to do in your case (i.e., double registration) :)
- We seem to be in a school district where it's rare for parents to hold their kids back. I personally know of five other kids (3 boys, 2 girls) with August or September birthdays whose parents didn't hold them back so they started Kindergarten on time.

Re: your decision, you know your child best and will have the best feel on whether she's ready. Give it time, a lot of parents with "younger" kids seem to make up their minds in the summer before school starts.

[KBecks]

If she is not bored, and it doesn't sound like she is having problems being challenged, then I'd keep her back. My main concern would be not giving her enough challenge if she stays back a year, so that's what I would evaluate from.

Good luck in your decision!