daycare or ILs?

[newbiemom]

I have to go back to work. We were planning to send our DS3 to daycare, but MIL wants to watch him. She works part time, so it would really be MIL with FIL taking turns watching him. Both of my ILs are really nice, generous people. But, they don't take me seriously as a parent, and in general, we have very different views on parenting.
I actually feel more comfortable having my DS3 in a daycare setting rather than having him watched by him ILs, because of the differences and because of personality differences between MIL and myself.
So the negatives of ILs watching are knowing that he'll be in the care of someone who doesn't respect my own parenting skills and decisions (they hear what I say about what I want done, etc, but don't really listen, IYKWIM) BUT we'll save a lot of money. BUT, it will also stress me out, to have to, on a daily basis, deal with my own personal stress and frustration with ILs who don't respect me as a parent. PLUS, FIL, not really great with little ones. I mean, loves 'em, but I really don't feel comfortable with him taking care of my DS for long term situations.
What would you choose?
DH doesn't care either way.

[sste]

We had an extended family member in exactly your situation. She ended up doing part-time daycare and part-time IL care. She wanted some enrichment/socialization but also wanted to cut costs and have her DC looked after at least some of the time 1:1. I also think this plan is ideal for not straining the abilities of aging grandparents to keep up with a baby or small child full time.

[lorinick]

I would do the day care route. My friend just had this same problem with the IL's. Her MIL was watching her daughter for about a year. They no longer talk to one another. The mil was acting likethe childs mother instead of grandmom. It's a long story. But I wouldn't do it. And at age three I think preschool is the way to go at least part time. To get ready for school. Everyone in my area sends their children to preschool for ages three and four. I say no way to the IL's watching the child long term. If the dc has a day off or is under the weather the il can take care of the child. If they still would like too.

[maestramommy]

In your situation, if I could afford it, I would send my kid to daycare. My MIL and I didn't see eye to eye on some parenting issues, and it was rather stressful whenever we went to visit them. Although I know she approves of my parenting in general I would still send my kids to daycare because of the peace of mind it would give me. That said, you'll need to make sure the daycare can do things the way you want.

[mommylamb]

It sounds like daycare will be well worth the money. I couldn't have someone who didn't agree with my parenting style watch DS.

[newbiemom]

sorry, my ds is #3, not 3 yrs old. He'll be 6 months old when I return to work. And what happened to your friend is what I am afraid of - my ILs are so very kind, but seem to be deaf when it comes to the decisions we make sometimes! - sometimes interfering with discipline situations, meals, etc, all in the name of being helpful, but really just making things more confusing for my kids...

ETA: We do have a daycare we like. Not thrilled about going back to work and having to leave him, so I'm trying to figure out the least stressful options right now.

[shawnandangel]

newbiemom it sounds like you have made your decision already and are looking for confirmation.

You are the parent and you ultimately make the decisions (with DH)

If you don't feel comfortable with the situation, then do not let the situation arise.

[niccig]

sorry, my ds is #3, not 3 yrs old. He'll be 6 months old when I return to work. And what happened to your friend is what I am afraid of - my ILs are so very kind, but seem to be deaf when it comes to the decisions we make sometimes! - sometimes interfering with discipline situations, meals, etc, all in the name of being helpful, but really just making things more confusing for my kids...

ETA: We do have a daycare we like. Not thrilled about going back to work and having to leave him, so I'm trying to figure out the least stressful options right now.

I would go with the day care and have ILs for back up on school closures, if one of the kids is too sick to go to daycare, but not seriously sick - cold etc. If you rely solely on ILs you know you'll have frustrations of them not listening and doing what they want, and if they get sick, go on vacation, what will you do for childcare?

Maybe the ILs could pick the children up early on days that you know will be long days, or as special treat.

[sste]

I didn't realize your DC was six months - - I know its a tough call but the very young age makes me even more in favor of 1:1 care at least part of the time. Though your situation with your inlaws sounds less than ideal. The thing about infant daycare that I discovered is that the ratio is typically one provider to four or five infants. For our baby, this would not have been ideal - - he is easygoing but he likes ALOT of attention! Anyway, we have friends with young babies that have been fine in daycare so obviously babies adapt and do fine. But I think there are pros to 1:1 care for babies that young if you can afford it or if you can figure out a way to deal with your ILs.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Are the other DC at daycare? Would it make your life easier to stop one place instead of several?

I personally would have a hard time telling my IL's they couldn't keep DC if they were offering, just because they are so very generous to us with their time, resources, help, etc. We don't always see eye-to-eye on things, but I would make a written list of things that are really important and not worry about some of the things of lesser importance, even though they may be my personal preference. I would probably do a trial basis and see how it is for all three parties. They may not remember what it is like taking care of a 6 mo. old. Then, by the time he's crawling and the need to babyproof arises, you could opt for daycare if things aren't working out.

OTOH, a friend was just telling me about the horrid relationship she has with MIL after having her provide childcare. Not sure there was much of a relationship before the contract, though.

[lorinick]

I would go with the day care and have ILs for back up on school closures, if one of the kids is too sick to go to daycare, but not seriously sick - cold etc. If you rely solely on ILs you know you'll have frustrations of them not listening and doing what they want, and if they get sick, go on vacation, what will you do for childcare?

Maybe the ILs could pick the children up early on days that you know will be long days, or as special treat.


Oh that is true about vactions. My friends il went on vactions and left her without daycare for a week. She had to take the week off. And mind you this was a new job. Df's il were always generous as well. To much so if you ask me. And controlling at that. To keep the peace do the day care route. And I agee with pp use il for back up.

[lorinick]

Maybe you can do part time day care part time il. Since your dc is only 6 months. A three year old is way different than a 6 mt old. I noticed you wrote back say he was 6 mts. One and one at that age is so important. And gettign sick is another issue at such a young age.

I need to start looking to go back to work myself. My dc is 15.5 mts. old. My neighboor watches him one day a week right now. But won't be able to do it when I go back to 2-3 days a week. Looking into to day care centers are a scary thought to me. Since I've been home with him all this time. He cries everytime I leave him. It's bad. His much worse than ds 1 was. that is going to make it so much harder to do.

[amldaley]

We had an extended family member in exactly your situation. She ended up doing part-time daycare and part-time IL care. She wanted some enrichment/socialization but also wanted to cut costs and have her DC looked after at least some of the time 1:1. I also think this plan is ideal for not straining the abilities of aging grandparents to keep up with a baby or small child full time.


If this is an option, this is what I would do, too. Plus, what happens when IL's want to go on vacation, get sick, take time off, etc? You'd have to find substitute care.

You could explain it to them as wanting the socialization aspect. But if your ds gets ill, it's nice they could care for him without you taking off work when daycare won't take him.

ETA: maybe I should have read all the other posts, first!!!!!!!!!!

[clc053103]

I went the IL route while I worked PT for 14 months- and I don't know if I can stress this enough....DONT DO IT!!!!!

You already have some concerns with them taking your parenting seriously- now give them free reign over your child while you are working, and just take a guess how many of your parenting directives are being followed. My MIL somehow felt that "she knew best" over anything I would direct her to do- and would even lie about it to my face. Example: "Did you give DS juice in a sippy cup, as I told you to only do?" "Yes I did." All with DS's bottle filled with juice on the counter behind her. It added stress to my marriage. It added stress to my relationship with my IL's, that had been very good prior to this. After a few days at MIL's, we would spend the next few days deprogramming the bad, spoiled behavior and attempting to get him back on his correct schedule, only to have to turn him over again the next week.

DS then went to daycare- worth every penny. You are paying people to write down everything your DC does (something MIL refused to do after 1 week) and to follow your instructions to a t. If they don't do it, you have a means to rectify the situation by going to the director. And I think DS really benefited from being around other children.

[tny915]

I haven't read all the replies, but I would go the daycare route. That's what I did.

My mom would LOVE to take care of Emily, but her memory is just not what it used to be, and I would be worried about DD's care the entire time. I know that DD would be loved and coddled and cared for, but I don't know that my mom would remember to change dipes or keep to a meal and nap schedule. So the care would not be what I would've wanted for Emily.

We found a wonderful daycare that has been great for Emily. She's one of just 3 babies at an in-home daycare and there are no other children besides these 3. She started at 5 months, adjusted well from day one, and I haven't thought twice about it. I have to add that up until the day I dropped her off, I was torn over strangers watching over my child, seeing the milestones, etc. After that first day, when I saw that she could thrive in that environment, and I saw that the DCP was experienced and knew exactly what she was doing, I realized right away that I'd made the right choice.

edited for clarity

[wellyes]

newbiemom it sounds like you have made your decision already and are looking for confirmation.

You are the parent and you ultimately make the decisions (with DH)

If you don't feel comfortable with the situation, then do not let the situation arise.

I agree with this.

BUT let me say that when I had the same issue, ended up letting my MIL watch the baby, and it has been wonderful. She really loves the baby and gives her constant one-on-one attention all day long. My daughter thrives under her care. The daycare we were looking at was really good. But for an infant individual attention from someone who is emotionally invested -- that's invaluable.

We've had our moments, the MIL and I, but we've also gotten a lot closer since we share the day-to-day concerns about what happens with diapers and feeding and napping schedules. It's also great that we can count on her to be very flexible with her time. The best thing is that she comes to our house so we don't have to deal with commuting / intake / diaper bag packing / etc. It's been great.