What do I say to a friend after a failed IVF?

[arivecchi]

A dear friend has been trying to have a second child for a while and just learned that her IVF failed. Have you been through this? What do I say to her? I am currently seven months pregnant, which makes matters awkward. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[hillview]

I would say something like "I am so sorry and am here if you want to talk about it but also totally understand if you don't" we had failed IUI a few times and talking to PG folks was really really hard.
/hillary

[Momof3Labs]

Something like:

I'm sorry. I know how much you wanted this, and hope and pray that, in time, you're able to grow your family the way that you want. If you want to talk, I'm here, but I also understand if you need some space right now.

Secondary infertility is so hard - people tend to slip and say things like "at least you already have a child" but that hurts a lot, honestly. It makes it seem like a second child isn't as precious or as wanted as the first was, and that's rarely true in SIF.

[deenass]

SHe had several failed IUI and 1 failed IVF - I already had two kids. I told her how sorry I was, how I wish there was something I could say to make it better, that I was there to listen if she wanted to talk (and understood if she didn't).

I also sent her a gc for a massage. I was also careful not to complain too much about my kids around her (DS 2 was [retty little so I was dealing with no sleep, etc). I knew she didn't want to hear it.

The best thing you can do is let her know you are there for her however she needs you.

[brittone2]

SHe had several failed IUI and 1 failed IVF - I already had two kids. I told her how sorry I was, how I wish there was something I could say to make it better, that I was there to listen if she wanted to talk (and understood if she didn't).

I also sent her a gc for a massage. I was also careful not to complain too much about my kids around her (DS 2 was [retty little so I was dealing with no sleep, etc). I knew she didn't want to hear it.

The best thing you can do is let her know you are there for her however she needs you.
:yeahthat:

[Mamma2004]

The best thing is to let your friend know how sorry you are and that you want to be there for her...but that you really do understand that talking with you might not be what she needs. You needn't apologize for the blessing of your pregnancy; it's really sensitive of you to realize that it might be difficult for her to share her feelings with you under the circumstances.

She might need some space but then again, it might do her heart good to see your beautiful baby bump. For me, I needed time and space to grieve (after MCs as well as after multiple failed IVFs) *BUT* sharing in my friends' joy over their pregnancies somehow restored my faith that sometimes it did, in fact, work out as planned.

As long as you don't make impossible promises such as, "Don't worry, I'm sure it will work the next time" (!!!) then I know that you will be exactly the friend she needs.

Good luck to both of you!

[Octobermommy]

I would say something like "I am so sorry and am here if you want to talk about it but also totally understand if you don't"

I think this is appropriate. I have had many failed IVFs. Honestly being that you are pregnant I can see her not really wanting to talk to you so please don't be offended if that is the case. Also I will second that even though this is a failure for a second child does not mean it is any easier for her to take. My failures after my dd hurt just as bad as the ones before her.

But this is coming from someone who is really pessimistic about the whole infertility thing so she might be coping differently.

[arivecchi]

Thanks everyone. This is all very helpful advice. Thanks for taking the time respond.