Fighting with your DH/SO

[farsk]

My ex-husband was my high school sweetheart. We never had a significant argument until the night i discovered his affair. Needless to say, I have not learned how to deal with arguments within relationships that didn't involve infidelity and the eventual end of the relationship.

My SO and I had a pretty big argument yesterday, complete with expletives. Later in the afternoon, he apologized for the argument, saying that he should not have lost his temper.

He is recently divorced, his ex-wife also unfaithful, and this will be the first holiday season he has not spent as part of a family. I suspected that this would be a hard time for him as it was a very hard time for me. I suspected that at the time of our argument, there was more going on in his head than the silly thing we argued about. After he apologized, I asked if he needed some time, and he indicated that he did.

I've not heard from him today.

I realize that this seems like trivial high-school stuff, but it has me distraught. When you've had an argument with your DH and he retreats into his "man cave," how long is he there? How do you handle him and the situation? What do you say to him when he finally comes out?

At 34, you'd think I'd have more relationship experience, but I don't. :(

[irie i]

*hugs* Sorry you two are going through this. My ex boyfriend (we lived together for 7 1/2 years) used to go into a man-cave...but he never backed down and never said he was sorry, so I don't have much to offer you. My husband is VERY good about saying I am sorry/I overreacted/I shouldn't have said that that way etc. right away and getting over things almost immediately...sometimes it can irritate me because I have a hard time getting over things and I would prefer to discuss it...but he just wants to let it go.

Anyway I just wanted to say that its a good sign that he apologized AND that you know him and his situation well enough to have expected that this would be a hard time for him. You know him and I don't but considering the fact that he said he was sorry and did admit he needed some time he will probably come around sooner than later. :) If it is something you feel you can just let go of, do so...if not ask him to let you know when he is ready to talk about it...because you still have concerns or what to clear things up. It also doesn't hurt to apologize for losing your temper as well...even if he was the one to egg you on or push you.

[farsk]

I apologized as well, and felt much better about things until last night. That he has not bothered to call me today has made me feel worse, and to be quite honest, a little like punishing him for taking a "time out".

I know that's not the right thing to do, but my insecurities are overreacting to the extreme. I just feel abandoned.

[KpbS]

Any chance he's feeling embarrassed about the fight? Or like maybe you needed/wanted some time/space? If so I would be tempted to send him a quick note (email or text) or call just to tell him you were thinking of him and you care. IME it just gets more difficult the more time passes.

[farsk]

It's completely possible that he's embarrassed.

I just need to know how long this is going to take. Patience is not my strong suit.

Can you tell me how you've dealt with this situation?

[npace19147]

I think you need to be careful not to put all of your issues and insecurities onto him. Wait for him to verbalize them before you put all of these swirling ideas/fears out there.

The most important thing is for you to get to a calm place internally before you reach out to him. Try to center yourself, and feel stable in your family unit with Ellen before you try to make contact with him.

You do not *need* him, you *want* him but you can do it without him. You have already been there. Maybe not ideal but that should be a source of strength for you.

When you do feel calm maybe reach out to him with a message that says "I miss you. When you are ready to talk I'll be here."

Good luck, negotiating relationships can be hard!

[teedeedee]

:hug: relationships can be so hard. I am blessed with a wonderful husband. We rarely fight, but when we do, we are good at apologizing. I think that he apologized is a good thing.

But before I married DH, I had several loser boyfriends and a couple who are still friends. In my experience, when he asks for "space" or "time" you need to try to give it to him. Every time I did not (I called or went to see them or whatever) it only pushed them away. I'd give him a day or 2 and if you don't hear from him, maybe send an email that says you know he asked for time, but that you just wanted to apologize for losing your temper too and that you hope he is feeling better.

But, I bet you won't have to wait...he'll call soon. =)

[StantonHyde]

3 days is what I would give him--seriously. There is nothing men hate more than being called out of the cave :D

[KBecks]

My only advice is to make up and move on quickly. If he is dealing with stress from his former relationship, then understand it's not all about you and try to help get things back to a happy relationship as soon as possible. Give him time and be friendly to him and move on.

My husband can sulk for a whole weekend sometimes. If your SO is feeling bad, I'd just not worry and let him come to you when he's feeling better. No use talking to him if he's not ready.

[kijip]

I think it depends on the person, on the couple. With my husband and I, neither of us is really capable of sulking for long. Usually this is a matter of minutes and not hours, much less days.

That said, since he has apologized I would assume he is embarrassed about the fight or just in need of a little time out. That seems reasonable to me.

Don't fall prey to the inclination to punish him or push him away when he does return your call because you are upset he took a step back. That can go nowhere good.

[mominmarch]

My husband is a cave-man. I too can hold a grudge, but then it becomes a battle of holding them, and as I see, my DD completely senses the tension. So... I am always the one to break it with some humor, when I am ready to get over it. Generally, that has been less than a day.