How to handle baby congrats???

[mskitty]

How do you handle people gushing baby congrats when you'd prefer not to talk about it?

Background: We are telling our families at Christmas that we are expecting our first baby at the end of June. This will be a complete shock for most of them as they have pretty much given up on us reproducing (married 9+ years). I've hibernated for the first eleven weeks because I've been feeling awful. My boss knew pretty early because she asked about my "odd" behavior. Otherwise, no one at work knows. Most of my coworkers announce really early in their pregnancies. I tend to be a private person who doesn't like having all my business known. At this point I'm going to try to wait until 20+ weeks when I have no choice with the billboard out front... We've only told a very limited number of people in our private life because I don't want to deal with the questions and conversations.

So how do you tactfully handle those people who gush their congratulations when you'd rather not talk about it? About all I've come up with is thank you and immediately change the subject or pass the phone to my husband if its his family. I need a great comeback or two from the collective wisdom of BBB.

mskitty

[kijip]

If you are not ready to talk about it or don't want them gushing at Christmas, wait to tell them. It's your first baby, your family if at all like most families is going to ask a lot of questions and gush and make a big deal out of it. Don't share until you are ready for that. Just my 2 cents.

[elektra]

That will probably be tough since we are sort of trained to gush when we hear that someone is having a baby. I mean I know I have been happy for a certain work person or acquaintance after they announced their pregnancy, but looking back, I probably acted slightly more elated than I actually felt because I thought that was the appropriate reaction.
But people in tune with social situations would probably follow your lead, and if you casually mention that you are expecting and then get back to some other topic, they might ease up on the over the top gushing.
Are you telling people at Christmas because you want to be able to tell them in person? I can see that. However, as Katie mentioned, making a big announcement at the holiday celebration will probably backfire for you. Everyone will think the announcement is part of the celebration. Maybe just tell people as you are saying your goodbyes?
I think waiting as long as physically possible will help too.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

This is a tough one. Wait as long as you can, and you may just have to bite the bullet and deal. You could always say you are superstitious, and don't want to jinx it! LOL :hysterical:

[ha98ed14]

So how do you tactfully handle those people who gush their congratulations when you'd rather not talk about it? About all I've come up with is thank you and immediately change the subject or pass the phone to my husband if its his family. I need a great comeback or two from the collective wisdom of BBB.

mskitty

I agree with PPs. If you do not want people to gush, don't tell them in person. Tell them over the phone or over email. I have a friend who is having #4 and she didn't want to answer people's "OMG, You are having another kid?" questions, so she posted it on her blog. She got all supportive comments because no one is going to post and OMG! comment to her blog, altho they may have been thinking it. Anyway, my point is there are other communication methods that you can use to tell people that will not put them on the spot to be all happy for you and put you on the spot to be happy that they are happy.

Having a child is a joyful and difficult experience all at the same time. The important thing is that YOU are happy about this baby's coming. I wasn't initially. I had very mixed feelings. I got counseling and that helped a lot. I am saying this because if you are in the same spot, its good to know you're not alone.

[specialp]

I think this would be hard for some to understand, but I am the same in every way --- very private, married a long time, expecting first child and not looking forward to telling. I've never told friends or family the struggles we've gone to or about miscarriages, etc. Just not my style.

I wouldn't do an announcement at any sort of Christmas gathering . . . it will only add to the attention. Maybe you can wait a few days after and make some phone calls and then you would have the excuse of needing to call others on your list. Then just the "we are happy but cautious" approach. I'm not sure what questions you want to avoid, but you can have all the usual suspects ready (due date, if you're going to find out the sex, probably won't settle on the name until birth, feeling good, etc).

As far as at work goes (and since your boss already knows), maybe just tell people as they ask once you start showing. Again, avoiding a big announcement. You are at work, after all, and I'm sure there is always some task you will need to tend to.

FWIW, I haven't had the opportunity to try this out yet, so let us know if you come up with something better that works. Good luck.

[ha98ed14]

Maybe you can wait a few days after and make some phone calls and then you would have the excuse of needing to call others on your list. Then just the "we are happy but cautious" approach. I'm not sure what questions you want to avoid, but you can have all the usual suspects ready (due date, if you're going to find out the sex, probably won't settle on the name until birth, feeling good, etc).

I think doing a mass email with all this info (maybe not to her/ SO's parents but to extended family/ friends) would be fine. Then she really doesn't have to answer any questions. I guess I failed to mention it in my first post, but this is what I did. I told my mom over the phone but everyone else (including my Dad and stepmom) got an email. I probably got away with it because we live on opposite coasts and I I rarely see them, but this is how I handled it.

[Happy 2B mommy]

I woulld Not announce it at Christmas if you don't want a lot of attention.

I was about 17 weeks along before we announced that we were expecting DD to my MIL. Like you, my boss knew right away because of my vomiting/odd behavior. Most others didn't know until I was 5 1/2 months along. I am tall/heavyset so most folks just thought I was getting fat!

Honestly, it's nobody's business but yours - so when you announce and how you choose to announce is totally your choice. I don't know the particulars of your sitituation, but when people asked "why did you wait so long?" (and someone will have an idiotic moment and say that) I simply said "Due to some things I'd rather not discuss, we choose to be cautious and keep things quiet".

[maestramommy]

We told our parents and sibs, but they are not the gushing type. So beyond the intial excitement, we didn't talk about it too much, esp. in the early stages. At church and work we didn't do any sort of announcement, we just let people eventually figure it out. I think that makes a big difference. A lot of people (esp. men) don't like to ask if you are preggo because what if you're not?:ROTFLMAO:So it was pretty low key until the last trimester, when I mostly got questions on how I was feeling. Oh, and my church was small, so they held a shower for me.

[hellokitty]

If you don't like ppl gushing over you, don't announce it at a family gathering, such as Christmas. I would wait until AFTER the holidays, and just send out an email. Most ppl will just respond back via email to congratulate you. You can gush online, but it's not to the same caliber as the way ppl do it IRL. Also, if you don't want ppl constantly hounding you when it gets closer to your edd, one tip is to tell ppl a LATER edd. By the time they start bugging you with annoying cals about whether or not the baby has arrived, you've already had your baby and you can skip that part. I find it annoying when ppl keep asking toward the end of my pregnancy (when is the baby due, is it time, are you getting induced, blah, blah, blah).

[elliput]

Well, first off- Congratulations! :hug:

I understand your dilemma. DH and I were married for 11 years before I became pg with DD- she was born a couple weeks before our 12th anniversary. When asked why we changed our minds/what happened/etc- I told people "I got knocked up." The humor of the response seemed to get the conversation moving along in a different direction.

[elephantmeg]

my MIL was a big gusher and I felt horrible the first trimester too. I distinctly remember her comming home with a basinette that needed repairs etc and expecting me to be all excited and my thoughts were, "where do I throw up". I think as you get out of your first trimester you'll feel better and more excited. Huge hugs and (non enthusiastic/gushing) congrats.

[Fairy]

I completely understand. 100% understand.

Being due in June means you're not hugely far along at this point and can conceivably hide it. Do what you can to just not tell. Because people have a hard time with two things. A) "Don't make a big deal out of it" can offend people because they feel like they're being happy for you and you're shutting them down when they're just trying to wish you well, because they don't understand that the reasons you have may be very personal and valid but that they have no experience with themselves. B) The first reponse of someone hearing the announcement from someone that they're pregnant is almost always going to be a joyful "squeeeee!!!" It's a hair-trigger response kind of thing.

Therefore, IME, your best "defense" against this is to simply not tell them. If they guess before you're ready to share, you can a) lie (I never felt right doing that; like it was bad luck), b) evade ("listen, I have no news for you right now, sorry to disappoint!"), c) deflect ("What you're seeing in me right now is weight-gain, and once the holidays are over I plan to address it. Speaking of which, what are you doing to avoid weight gain during the holidays?"), or d) pony up and tell them the truth but that you're not planning on sharing and to just lay low on this until you're ready.

I waited till 21 weeks at work cuz I could not hide it anymore. I thoguth since I was heavy, no one would know. Wrong. Big time wrong. Pregnant is pregnant. Most everyone else, we waited till 26 weeks. Some of my family was mad at me for watiing, but I told 'em deal with it, these are my reasons, and they got over it.

Best best of luck to you in this. It's stressful when you don't want to share yet for reasons that are personal but time is gettign the best of your belly. GOOD LUCK!

-- Fairy

ps -- PM me if you want more tips. I'm full of 'em.

[CAM7]

Don't tell them at Christmas... wait until after the holidays and then tell them via email or letter.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My mom lives in the same town but I tried not to tell her in person b/c I wasn't really comfortable with what her emotional (positive/ gushing/ weepy...) reaction was going to be. So, I sent a letter. But, it turns out we saw her the day she got it so I had to see her open it in person. After her teariness and my discomfort it was fine. It was only 2 minutes worth of discomfort on my part then I found I was really excited to talk about the new baby. :) I just didn't want to break the news. I agree that phone or email is the way to go if you want to get some of that out of the way.

Beth

[elektra]

One more thing I thought of too. For work people or more aquaintaince types, you can seriously put off telling for a really long time. Then if it does come up in conversation, you can be very nonchalant and ask, "oh I thought I told you already".
This is actually what's happening with me for #2. And no one is gushing. The thing is I really can't remember who I've told and who I haven't and if I do happen to mention something about the pregnancy, and they act surprised, my casual "oh I thought I told you. Yes it's true." response followed by, "so back to our work conversation", just keeps the gushing down.
In my case, I was actually a bit disappointed with the lack of enthusiasm! My guess is it's because it's number 2 and everyone feels like I just had #1.

[mecawa]

I would wait to tell them until you feel more ready to discuss it. Especially with family. I didn't start telling about both of my pregnancies until 12-15 weeks and when I did tell the family it was major gushing and questions (with the first one anyways). There should be no rush to tell people if you aren't ready. With our first we told everyone at a summer cookout (I was about 14-15 weeks), and it was almost overwhelming because we had 20 people all find out at once. With #2 we just took our time and told people when we talked to them whether by phone or in person (I was about 12 weeks that time). Good luck and Congratulations!

[Moneypenny]

One thing to be aware of is that if you don't appear properly excited, people will assume you are not happy about the pregnancy. I am a private person and didn't tell at work until around 17 weeks and then I didn't talk about it much. It came to my attention that people assumed I was very upset about the pregnancy, which wasn't the case at all. After I knew that, I tried to find a happy medium between protecting my privacy and displaying enough excitement that people wouldn't talk about me behind my back as if I didn't love my baby.

Of course, you may not care at all what people think of you so feel free to disregard this, lol!

[hez]

For work-- I was due in early May with #2, & waited 'til after Christmas to tell anyone outside my immediate work group. I couldn't hide it by then... Anyway, I just smiled & thanked folks for their congratulations. Recognize that it may be hard to hide your reactions to baby kicks during meetings later on, so you may get more attention in the future, too.

For family-- we chose to call vs. telling in person. It took some pressure off. If the gushing gets beyond what you can handle, you can hold the phone away from your ear ;)

[Piglet]

I have to ask the question - WHY? I guess I am surprised why you would want to diminish the gushing. I know that pregnancies are scary and difficult, but babies are really the end of being a private person in my experience. In some ways you become more out-going because your baby will get noticed (for both good and bad things) and because babies sort of become the topic of conversation among moms as an ice-breaker. As such, pregnancies get the same sort of attention. You might be able to delay the inevitable, but people will notice at some point or another and they will be joyful. It is a natural reaction. Sort of like saying you don't want people to cry at a funeral - it happens whether you want it to happen or not. My concern would be not to slight the people I care most about (my parents/ILs) and have them suspect something or hear through the grapevine, etc. I didn't tell most people until I was 12 weeks+ along with any of my pregnancies, but I told my parents/ILs first (a bit before 12 weeks). I also felt so much better after I told everyone - it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I no longer had to wear uncomfortable ill-fitting non-maternity clothes and try to hide my bump. I no longer had to find creative excuses why I wasn't drinking on New Years (that was when we told our friends. It was really nice to have the support from all my friends and family. As my OB put it - all modesty goes out the window when you deliver a baby. Taking that one step further, I am a less private person now that I have 3 kids than I was ever before.

[pb&j]

My first was stillborn at 24 weeks, and pregnancy is majorly anxiety-ridden for me, and I don't really like talking about it/listening to others gush. I don't gush - I just try to hold it together for 9 mos. But people get excited about babies. Sooner or later, whether you tell people now or they figure it out later, people will engage you in conversation about it. All you can do is smile, and accept congratulations gracefully.

As much as I didn't want to talk about being pregnant, I tried to keep in mind that people were genuinely happy for DH and I, and wanted to share their happiness with us. Being pregnant is very public, and unless you want to hibernate or wear a burqua till June, you'll just have to get used to the idea that it IS going to be a topic of conversation whether you like it or not.

[lizajane]

be honest.

"thank you so much. we are very excited. but we are also a bit nervous and we are already kind of private people. i know it sounds out of the ordinary, but i would be more comfortable if we didn't talk about it a lot. it is just my own little weird "thing."

i do NOT think you are weird. i just think it goes over better when you talk that way.

frankly, i flat out told my mother, "you MUST stop all the mushy talk! you are making me crazy!"

[Fairy]

I have to ask the question - WHY? I guess I am surprised why you would want to diminish the gushing. I know that pregnancies are scary and difficult, but babies are really the end of being a private person in my experience. In some ways you become more out-going because your baby will get noticed (for both good and bad things) and because babies sort of become the topic of conversation among moms as an ice-breaker. As such, pregnancies get the same sort of attention. You might be able to delay the inevitable, but people will notice at some point or another and they will be joyful. It is a natural reaction. Sort of like saying you don't want people to cry at a funeral - it happens whether you want it to happen or not. My concern would be not to slight the people I care most about (my parents/ILs) and have them suspect something or hear through the grapevine, etc. I didn't tell most people until I was 12 weeks+ along with any of my pregnancies, but I told my parents/ILs first (a bit before 12 weeks). I also felt so much better after I told everyone - it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I no longer had to wear uncomfortable ill-fitting non-maternity clothes and try to hide my bump. I no longer had to find creative excuses why I wasn't drinking on New Years (that was when we told our friends. It was really nice to have the support from all my friends and family. As my OB put it - all modesty goes out the window when you deliver a baby. Taking that one step further, I am a less private person now that I have 3 kids than I was ever before.

Several reasons I can think of. Just a few off the top of my head, which may or may not be the OP's reasons, include:

* Sometimes when someone experiences a loss or has a repeated problem staying pregnant, they are very leery to celebrate because they've spent time untelling people and uncelebrating and greiving. I know someone who went thru this several times over. The first time they ahd to abort the baby at six months because it had died in utero with a devastating malformation where the organs formed outside the body. It was awful for them. So because celebrations can be more cruel than celebratory when they have this itnense worry hovering with their pregnancy that you don't know if your baby is going to live or die, they want to keep information close to their vest so if the worst happens, they dont' ahve to go thru it publicly.

* Sometimes there are religious reasons to not celebrate. From my experience, I can tell you, I didn't want any celebrating. It's considered bad luck to celebrate a baby before it is here, so I insisted that on mothers day when I was pregnant that my MIL NOT give me any gifts or cards, I'm not a mohter. Sure enough, she gave me a gift, and I went ballistic. Those who are observant Jews or superstitious will understand this. This is also why Jews almost never have showers before the baby is born.

* Sometimes ya know what? It's not happy news. It may become happy news as someone gets more used to the idea, but until then, there's apprehension and they just dont' want to celebrate.

* Sheer privacy. Sometimes, for those who are intensely private, they just don't want to share this personal thing they're experiencing with certain people for their own reasons. I can identify with that one, too.

[Piglet]

Those who are observant Jews or superstitious will understand this. This is also why Jews almost never have showers before the baby is born.


I want to comment on this reason. I am an observant Jew. I am a very observant Jew. The news of a pregnancy is the biggest joy in the observant Jewish community. Right up there with engagements. There is a "superstition" to not buy things for a new baby until the baby arrives, but the congratulatory sentiment is free-flowing.

I realize there are valid reasons not to be excited. I also understand superstitions and how we get caught up in them. The thing I don't get is how you can request a lack of response on someone else's part. That is why I compare it to people that don't want tears at a funeral. There are tears. That is a normal response. Laughing at a joke is a normal response. You can't decide how people will take your news.

[Fairy]

Now I do recall that you are Jewish, too. I'm a very lapsed Jew :-). However, I do harbor Jewish superstition with pregnancy more than most. I did have a shower, but it was after the baby. But that's about it.

I'm not saying Jews don't get excited and show great happiness at the news of a pregnancy. But the gushing? I've got maybe three friends that are very observant Conservatives or Traditional, and they did not want the gushing excitement. They were happy to have congratulations and a hug and a moment of "ohmigod!" but that was it. In fact, one of my closest friends' mother didn't ask about my friends' pregnancies or refer to them one iota past the inital moment of glee that she'd be a grandma (and I mean moment -- it was like three minutes, I was there) until she was in labor. I do see your point,tho. I guess YMMV.

For me, I suppose I disagree in general that you can't request lack of excitement, but I may define "excitement" differently. I do think it's pointless to tell someone, "don't be happy and don't smile and don't want to hug me." You're right about that. But I think it's perfectly within a reasonable continuum to say, "thank you! But please don't gush or bring it up, really, past this conversation, or ask me questions, etc." I could be mistaken about the OP, but I saw her as not exactly saying she didn't want any response, period; just that she didn't want to deal with that response at this stage in her pregnancy and that she didn't want the pregnancy dwelled upon even going forward till she was ready for that to happen.

Which is why I say, OP, keep it to yourself a bit longer.

[Corie]

I insisted that on mothers day when I was pregnant that my MIL NOT give me any gifts or cards, I'm not a mohter.


Really?
I most definitely consider a pregnant woman to be a mother.
You are growing a child. You are mothering that child in your womb.
Taking care of him/her, loving the child, nourishing the child. That's not
a mother?

[mommy111]

To the OP's original question, here is what I would do to minimize gushing:
1. For CLOSE family...mass email and tell them, we're excited and nervous, so please don't congratulate or ask too many questions. You do need to tell them eventually, even if late, so that they don't feel offended/hear from anyone else
2. For everyone else, let them figure it out. No announcement. Usually, with a first-time mother, it will be in the 3rd trimester and at that time they will just ask you how you are feeling. Also, if these people ask you in your 3rd trimester if you're pregnant, don't answer with a 'yes' (invitation to gush) but rather with a 'yes, the sleeplessness/heartburn/extra weight etc is killing me. This will usually mean they will pass the gushing and go on to their own pregnancy stories.
FWIW, I totally know where you are, it took me such a while to get adjusted to that first pregnancy. My husband, on the other hand, would just tell everyone he met, including people we barely knew, 'she's pregnant'. You can probably understand how much I cringed when I heard that :)

[Fairy]

Really?
I most definitely consider a pregnant woman to be a mother.
You are growing a child. You are mothering that child in your womb.
Taking care of him/her, loving the child, nourishing the child. That's not
a mother?

I did not want mothers day recognition before I had my baby, I made it very clear, I took it very seriously, it was not respected. I don't take the opposite approach away from anyone who chooses it. But it is not mine. There is no wrong way; to each his own.