How to handle DC's possessiveness with siblings and toys?

[HIU8]

DS has recently started taking everything DD puts her hands on--whether it is "his" or not. DS is 4. DD is 18 months. DS never acted this way towards DD before. It feels like a delayed reaction to the addition of DD to our family. How do I handle this? DS will not give back what he rips from her hands. He won't appologize. He could care less if he is punished (he actually told us this). He told me to go ahead and take his toys, he was still going to take things from DD. DD is so upset about this that she has started hitting DS--can't say I blame her, but....

DS does have his moments when he plays very nicely with DD, but they are getting few and far between recently.

Here is what we have done.
-DS gets picked up from preschool by me and DD is at home with a sitter. We will often do something together before we come home (something DS chooses to do within reason). DS goes to soccer with DH on the weekends and they go out to lunch afterwards together. DS gets much more alone time with DH and me than we give to DD right now b/c he really seems to need it. However, is it not enough? What else works in this situation? Anyone BTDT?

Thanks.

[hillview]

My DS #1 is 3.5 and my DS #2 is 15 months. We have similar issue. We do a few things
If DS #1 wants something DS #2 has he has to offer a trade (give him another toy -- at this time it works well)

If DS #1 is playing with something we try to keep DS #2 away from the playdough etc

If DS #1 takes something from DS #2 without a trade we do talk about a few things -- he cannot do that; he has to offer a trade; he will get bored with it soon; we will take the toy away from DS #1 and give it back to DS #2 if needed; also the toy can completely go away.

We have issues that come up often but we do not really let him take things from DS #2.
/hillary

[lmwbasye]

Ugh...this is me with a 4 year old and 14 month old. Except the 14 month old won't hit back or anything yet...sometime he'll scream at him. Anyway, basically I make him give the toy back to him and remind him that DS2 will most likely get tired of it soon and not to worry. Not that that helps DS1 much. Anyway, he has to give it back or sit in time out. There is no refusing. I also am making some special time for DS1 as much as I can (DH is deployed right now so this is tricky)...movie night every other friday, special playtime after DS2 goes to bed, etc. I also try to be aware of when DS2 may take a toy or mess with something that DS1 is playing with to show him that the rule goes for everyone (even though DS2 doesn't understand at this time). I have also allowed a few select toys in DS1's room so he feels he has some control over several of his things...the rest he has to share. Other than that, yes, I'm frustrated with this and even though I'm doing all these things, I can't say they're helping tremendously...yet. I know, though, that if I stay consistent and teach replacement behaviors (asking for the toy, offering a trade, etc) then it will eventually sink in.

In the meantime...yeah, I'm ready to scream right along with DS2. :)

[HIU8]

We have tried and still try the trade thing. DS is not interested and very verbal about how he will not trade b/c he wants it all and DD is not allowed to play with anything. DS is very much like my brother. He can dish it out like a pro, but he cannot take it (and we have to nip this in the bud and teach him how to act with others or I may have another personality like my brother to deal with. AND that is not going to be good.

There are certain toys that are DS's that we try to keep DD away from. Same with DD--she has certain toys that are hers and not DS's.

We have talked about community property in the house b/c DS feels that if a toy was here pre DD then it is his and she can't touch it (the play kitchen, the tunnel, the play house, easil, etc.... DS is having a really hard time understanding that everything does not belong to him exclusively. In fact, this year, for the holidays, we have planned several items for "the family" and a couple for each child in the hopes that DS starts to understand that we share certain things with each other.

Toys have completely gone away so that neither child can play with them.

Oh well. I assume that eventually sharing with DD will sink in with DS and all will be much better.

[mommylamb]

I have no advice, sadly. My sister and I fought a lot when we were growing up and it drove my mother crazy. We have a decent relationship now, though it can be tough sometimes still.

We just have one DC, but suddenly he's incredibly jealous of one of our cats (strangely not the other one). She plays with his toys sometimes and he will stomp his feet and cry and point at her. Sometimes he tries to push her off the couch. This is only a cat for goodness sakes! What on earth will he be like when we have a second??? He's only 18 months, so I'm hoping this is a phase. The other night I took him out of the bath and as I was toweling him off he saw her jump on the toilet and look like she was going to jump into the bath with his toys. Well he threw a fit! I took him into his bedroom to get his PJs on and he was screaming. As soon as I put him down he ran back into the bathroom, and sure enough, she was in the tub playing with his bath toys, so he started trying to climb into the tub!!!

[brittone2]

IF it is any consolation, plenty of this is going on here as well (DS is almost 5, DD is newly 2 and has always been fiesty ;) )

In our house, DS does not have to share everything. He has a few select toys that are his and that are allowed to live in his room. If he wants to play with his special stuff, it has to be in his room, with the door shut, because I refuse to police it.

In our case, DD does fight back pretty fiercely at times (chasing him down with her mouth open ready to bite, or she hits...although this is much better now than it was at 15-18 months when she was less verbal than she is now).

I don't do forced apologies and in some of the sibling books I've read, punishment (like sending to their room) can make them more resentful of the sibling, so it can be hard to handle. I sometimes tell them to give each other space if it is a day when they have been arguing a lot. I suggest DS play Lego or something on his own (in his room, but not "punishment") and redirect DD to something else. DS isn't too bad about taking stuff from DD...his issue is more of a fear of her "messing up" what he's playing with, and I can understand that to a degree (because quite honestly she does!). But I can't and won't police stuff all day long.

IF DC ripped something away from the other DC, I make them give it back or I'll do it. I'd probably then set a timer for a minute or two and let the other DC have a turn. That way it reinforces it not being okay to take something away from the other DC, but the older does realize he/she will get a turn. We also work on how to offer a toy in trade or asking for a turn. That doesn't mean they remember, but we try.

Anyway, you have company. Mine lately are the best of friends and then the worst of enemies ;)

eta: fwiw, we went through different phases of increased rivalry when DD first became mobile at 7-8 months, and then another spurt of it once she was maybe 13-16ish months and she'd attempt to bite, hit, take toys from DS or unintentionally mess up his stuff.

[billysmommy]

We usually let each boy pick one toy/animal/etc that they don't have to share that day. That's helped alot.

The other thing we learned is from Benjamin's school. If one of the kids in his class takes something from another kid (which they're 2-3 year olds so it happens all the time :) ) The teacher will ask the kid that took "would you like to give that back to Michael by yourself or would you like me to help you?" They'll ask the child twice and if he/she still doesn't do it, they will say "Alright let me help you give it back" and then the teacher takes the toy and gives it back to the other child. I've seen them do this alot and the kids never cry or try to fight giving the toy back. We started doing it here at home and it's been working wonderfully!!!

[brittone2]

We usually let each boy pick one toy/animal/etc that they don't have to share that day. That's helped alot.

The other thing we learned is from Benjamin's school. If one of the kids in his class takes something from another kid (which they're 2-3 year olds so it happens all the time :) ) The teacher will ask the kid that took "would you like to give that back to Michael by yourself or would you like me to help you?" They'll ask the child twice and if he/she still doesn't do it, they will say "Alright let me help you give it back" and then the teacher takes the toy and gives it back to the other child. I've seen them do this alot and the kids never cry or try to fight giving the toy back. We started doing it here at home and it's been working wonderfully!!!

This type of language is often used on the GCM site, and we find it pretty effective in general. Do you want to do it by yourself or with my help? works for a lot of things. I try not to make it punitive...just matter of fact. YOu can do it or I'll help you do it.

[C99]

It is because he is 4 and testing his limits with you. My neighbor met me 2 years ago when I was in the throes of this with DS1 and her reaction, "Ah yes, the effing fours."

And that pretty much sums it up. I'd continue to spend one on one time with DS, enforce time-outs and loss of privileges with him when he behaves badly. He may SAY he doesn't care, but he does. He'll eventually get it.

[saschalicks]

You've gotten great advice. My boys are a lot closer in age so they really have to shar most everything. My thing is if they can't come to a resolution then the toy goes in Time Out. I put it high where they can see it, but not get it. Inevitably they ask for it and I say "since you can't share nicely it stays there." The next day they suddenly know how to share the toy. It's a miracle.