Supporting parents financially??

[Octobermommy]

What do you think is right in terms of supporting parents financially? I know it might depend on specific situations but for this case lets assume they are able to work but choose not to and irresponsible with money leading them to not have much at average retirement age.

Does your opinion differ if they are unable to work or temporarily on harder times?

People I have talked to have differing opinions on this so I just wanted to see what more people thought.

[Ceepa]

This is really tough. No experience with my own parents, thank goodness, but my grandmother was horrible with finances and for years had my parents giving her money that she just wasted. My mother was very conflicted about what to do; we all were. My parents' decision was to give her the money; she was toxic but they couldn't bring themselves to cut her off. There are a lot of details I'm obviously leaving out here.

[happymomma]

Man, that is a hard question. I don't have any experience with my parents. They are still working but I do give them a little here and there during holidays. Money and family is always such a conflicted topic. Best of luck in your decision.

[saschalicks]

My parents are not in that position thankfully, but if they were I'd give them all I got. However, that's b/c they have given and given to us when we needed it always. DH's dad, OTOH, made a huge financial blunder and I wouldn't give him one red cent (if I had to give). So my answer would be that it depends on the parent.

[egoldber]

I feel for you. We just returned from visiting my mother and I really, really struggle with this. Both my brother and I give her money. He gives her a LOT more than I do and this has become a source of strife with us. But I really disagree with many of the ways she chooses to spend her money whereas he thinks that isn't our business. He gave her a LOT of money to remodel her house after our father died and I really disagreed because I think the house is in terrible shape and the remodelers did a terrible job and IMO it was just money wasted. She also smokes and gives money to my sister's son (a heroin addict who has stolen repeatedly from her over the years).

But she is on extrmely limited income and does not have enough to make ends meet. So I give her a small amount each month and I have asked her repeatedly to move in with/close to us (which she refuses to do). We also support in other ways when she has big expenses (her furnace failed last year and we paid for half of that) but I just cannot bring myself to give her large sums at a time because I think they will be just wasted. Part of it is she has been poor all her life and she has never learned any real money skills. It's a tough, tough situation.

[sdbc]

We give my mom about $50 per month, plus other intermittent money when she needs it (each of my brothers does the same). She is not able to work at this point, though the reason she is not able to work is because she was very self-destructive health-wise which caused her body to fall apart early (sad, but another topic...).

I would not contribute money if someone could physically work but chose not to.

It is a hard thing. Fortunately, we are not contributing tons of money at this point (probably like $2,000 per year), but if it were more, it would really affect us and our ability to send DD to college. My grandmother helped my mother financially when she was alive, and now my mother's children are doing it. Mom wasn't ever the one to help anyone. I do resent it, though I love my mother.

[HIU8]

If I were in the situation where either of my parents or my MIL needed money I would give them what we had without question. All 3 of them have given us money/helped us in some way and still do. In fact, I know my mother needs $$. I offered buy she refuses to take it. She grew up, as I did, that parents give to their children but not vice versa, so she is having a really hard time with it.

Now, if any of them were destructive or wasteful, I might think twice, but I know if they needed $$ it would be for a major life expense.

[ellies mom]

It is a hard situation. I realized going into our relationship that at some point we will supporting my MIL financially either by paying part of her way or having her live with us. I truely hope it just means paying the bills. I'll work overtime for that. Anyhow, she isn't wasteful or destructive, she just doesn't make the best decisions. That does make it easier.

Now, my question comes to siblings... What responsibilty to you have to supporting them?

[SpaceGal]

This is a tough question to answer.

My mom has always made sure she was taken care of...she hides money hoardes it. She saves it in the event that I split with my DH cuz secretly she wants me to...but that's a whole other topic. Granted she has helped me out but only out of guilt and never when I absolutely needed it...i.e. college. She uses money to buy my love or at least I can tell that is what she tries to do.

She never gave to her parents in fact she took from my grandma and never attempted to pay her back or be a grateful daughter. She really was an awful kid to her mom.

So I find myself not really wanting to help her out...but I know if it came to it I would...so we'll see what happens.

As for DH's parents...I doubt we would help them...they haven't ever given him anything and expected him to fend for himself. They have other children that are super rich and I am sure they will step up and take care of them since they are the chosen favorites due to their status.

Money and family is always a bad messy topic.

[Melbel]

My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. Unfortunately, my mother is and always has been fiscally irresponsible. She has always relied on and expected others to support her even when she was physically able to do so. It is very hard to continuously give when you your hard earned money will be wasted or used on items that you do not feel are appropriate. On the other hand, I sometimes feel guilty for not giving more.

I began working at age 14 and paid for the majority of my own college/graduate school (my dad helped w/ undergraduate school while alive). She has not purchased gifts or even cards for me, my husband or the kids in the past 10 years, even when she did have extra money. The giving is a 1 way street, which influences my decisions.

When she was alive, my grandmother would help out. I am currently managing the estate of my grandmother and have been trying in vein to sell her house for 1.5 years with endless expenses and not a single offer. I cannot help but to resent the obligations at times.

In short, when deciding what/how much to give, my family (DH and DC) are my first responsibility (private school, college fund, etc.). From there, we help out to the extent that we can and try to accept that there is no amount that would be "enough."

[specialp]

Being able to work and choosing not to would make the issue easier for me. I would be less inclined. Also, you have to make sure you take care of your own family - - - afterall, you don't want your own kids struggling with this same issue.

However, other than those 2 things, I would help both parents & ILs any way I could. As hard as it is, I think once you do decide to give money, you have to let the judgment go on how they choose to spend the money. IMO, that's more for your own sanity than anything else b/c it is so easy to see how the money could've been spent more wisely. Resentment builds up easily in those circumstances.

To the PP who mentioned this same issue when it comes to siblings . . . I hear you. I see a potential problem with 2 of ours in the future and I dread dealing with it.

[carolinamama]

My parents have alot more than we do but that's because they both work hard and plan to longer than alot of people since they like their jobs. They are still giving us little things to help us out (not money, but little extras for the house that they notice we need such as a lamp for ds's room or a bench for the hallway). We never ask for this stuff; that is just the way my dad especially was raised. I would definitely give them anything I had to give since they have always been responsible with money and done so much for me.

My mil is not so well-off but has planned well and also helped us out by giving nice monetary gifts for our wedding etc. Again, I am sure we would help her out if needed.

DH's dad (divorced from mil and now deceased) was not so fiscally responsible. He never helped DH with his college expenses as he had promised and always seemed to be somewhat short on cash although he made a decent salary. DH gave him money when we were engaged. He was very conflicted about it since he didn't know where it was going and knew his father should have enough. But he was family and he felt that he needed to do it. We never saw that money again but it was only a one-time thing.

So after all that rambling, I am saying that I am pretty sure we would end up giving money if we could. Up to a point. It's so hard with family since you want to help them out, but don't always agree with how they spend the it.

[belovedgandp]

DH and I have this discussion regularly. My parents will be fine. We're not going to inherit millions, but they have been responsible and saved wisely their entire lives.

DH's parents have physical jobs they won't be able to do forever. No retirement savings; ok, no savings at all. We have been called on to borrow or co-sign for them a ton - we always said no, so they stopped, but it was about every 6 months from 1997 until 2004.

Now, if they needed the money for the necessities - food, shelter, health - we would help them, but no, not a new truck, no not a trailer, no not expensive item for ridiculous hobbies that suck your time and money. I used to feel kind of bad because I thought we made a lot more money than they did. Last year his father was blabbing. With overtime their household income is greater than ours - no kids at home any more and no mortgage. I stopped feeling too sorry for them.

While we have not executed this plan, if it gets to the point that they cannot support themselves, we will assist with the necessities, but only if they are on a reasonable budget. They are so irresponsible with money it would be like giving cash to a drug addict. We would pay their utilities directly or something like that.

DH has a lot of issues going back years with his parents. They took money that his grandmother's couldn't afford to give, promised to help with some of his medical bills (bold faced lied about this and he ended up being sued), and a ton of other stupid things through the years. So yes, we've discussed this a lot. Unfortunately, we are the only family of his siblings that will have the ability to help.

[almostamom]

If we have the means to help out any member of my family or DH's family, I would do it. We are certainly not rich by any means, but when I do go back to work, our financial situation will be much more comfortable. My parents and ILs have all planned very well and are set for their retirement. My parents have been beyond generous with all of their children, and if we were ever in need, I know the ILs would help us out. As for siblings, I would give whatever I could to my sisters as well. DH would have to decide about his own siblings.

[vludmilla]

I don't think I would have to give money to parents or IL's who could work but chose not to. I would absolutely help my MIL/FIL if they needed money as they have been very generous with us when we needed help even though we never asked for help. I would also help my father although I would be nervous about it since he is bad with money. My mother is another story. She is quite well-off now as she is remarried to a man who has some money. She lives in a 7,000 sq ft house and acts like she has to really watch her money. She used to keep a place in Montauk on the water. They sail. She received a sports car (in addition to her every day car) and Tiffany jewelry for Christmas one year from her husband. Her husband is a very sober, reasonable man who I'm sure doesn't buy what he can't afford. When my quite working class/poor sister got pregnant and needed to move in with my mom, my mom charged her rent that was only $50 cheaper than her rent at that time. My mother's argument was that she needed to cover her expenses. Nice.
So, anyway, I guess I'm a bit sensitive about this issue regarding my mom and I think I would have a very, very difficult time helping her out financially. She's always begrudged me financial help for the smallest things and I just don't think I could do it.
Sorry for the tangential tirade. I guess I needed to vent.

[belovedgandp]

For siblings, DH and I have a one bail-out per sibling policy. Basically, he knows his parents stupid financial decisions hindered and hurt him at different times. No one was there to help him over a couple of rough patches - parents backing off promises, health problem. So he wants to be able to help his siblings; he's the oldest of 6 kids.

We both agree it is a gift not a loan. We've helped one sister with college expenses when an injury took away her athletic scholarship and a brother with a beater car for transportation when he was stupid and got in over his head and ended up having his truck repo'd.

I do feel that it is my money. I will not just give cash because you say your short. It needs to be for a specific one time reason or a step towards you fixing your own situation.

[Happy 2B mommy]

If the person is able to work and chooses not to, I'd feel little obligation to give them money. Poor decsions... it depends. Do they overspend and live beyond their means or have they been duped into poor investments or simply made no investments because they assumed there would be Social Security/a pension/ a spouse to support them?

If the parent needs money, I would volunteer to pay certain bills or give them gift cards for grocery stores. You're then buying necessities rather than giving money that could be wasted. Also I agree with the pp who said you never give a loan, only gifts. You can't count on getting the money back.

MIL has a shopping addiction. For years she has bought expensive gifts for friends and family, purchased works of her favorite artists and shopped at pricey department stores for her clothes. Now that her retirement investments have significantly dropped, (and payment on her credit cards have gone up) she is finially cutting back. I give her credit for trying, but I have little patience for someone who has racked up that kind of debt on credit cards just to seem rich (which she isn't)

[brittone2]

Parents-yes, in our case we'd like to help them out. Dad retired early-ish but they are quite conservative with $. However, with the current state of the economy and his dropping retirement savings, I am a bit concerned. They don't have any real debt though and I think they'll be fine. That said, DH and I often talk about having a contingency plan for the future for them...we'd like to have an inlaw suite, or room to put in an apartment over a garage, etc. in case one or both of them needs it.
My parents put me through a very expensive private university, including grad school. I had some merit-based scholarship money, and I did take out some loans, but my parents really put a lot of $ toward my education which kept my loans relatively minimal considering the circumstances. For that, I feel extremely grateful. THey didn't have a lot of $, and my dad was a very blue collar worker, so it means a lot to me that they used money they could have applied toward savings to help me toward my dreams. DH and I feel strongly about helping them as we can or are able as time goes on.

Siblings are tricky. I have a sibling who can use financial help and I really, really struggle because he's been making the same financial mistakes for years and years, and just has a general pattern of irresponsible behavior and feeling entitled to owning all of the "big" stuff without the finances to pay for it (all while commenting on things like our "starter" house, whereas his very large home is about to be foreclosed on). In his situation, I just can't find it in me to give him $$. We have done small things here and there...I've sent extra food his way, we've given smaller amounts of money, etc. but even if we had the extra $ right now, I just can't see bailing him out. The cycle with him never ends.

[ThreeofUs]

Parents, yes. My mom was a good money manager, but still spent a little more than was good for her retirement. She didn't spend on herself so much as she spent on her family.

When she got into financial trouble, I talked it over with DH, told him how much I felt I owed her, and we gave her an up-front gift and then a little money (all we could afford, about $150 to start) each month.

Siblings? I don't know. I might buy them food, but I'd feel like they needed to get themselves going.

[kellij]

When my DH graduated from law school he started fully supporting his mom, who was probably about 68. His dad told him to take care of her on his death bed, and I guess financially is what my DH took that to mean. He paid all of her bills, including her mortgage. As a result, 8 years later, we're still trying to pay his student loans, rather than save for our children's college funds. He even gave her 1,000 one Christmas to buy presents for everyone else. I feel like a total idiot because I'm the one who suggested it, not knowing at the time the amount of debt he was in and the amount of support he was already providing.

Once he and I started dating and I figured out what was going on we figured out a way to sell some land of hers and pay off her mortgage, etc. Now she constantly struggles and can't make ends meet but it is because my husband's loser brother, who is about 37, lives with MIL and she pays everything for him. Including a 10,000 new mortgage that she added to her house to pay for a lawyer for the loser brother.

So, in sum, any money MIL has goes to loser brother. Then MIL "needs" money for bills. It's really hard to say no when the money is for heat or food or somethings, but it's pretty frustrating knowing that there is actually enough money there. Fortunately, the sale of the land has provided enough cushion that she's able to use that but it's running out quickly and will soon be gone. My DH assures me that our family and our kids come first, but I don't know how you can say no if your mom needs money for heat. We'll definitely have to come up with some creative solutions I'm sure. So it's going to be harder to give her any money, knowing it's a direct line to loser brother, than it would be if she just honestly couldn't make ends meet and it was all for her. I really don't know what we're going to do. I keep suggesting we do things like have her use some of the land money to pre-pay home insurance so that will definitely get paid for a few years, etc.

As far as my family goes, I'd probably just move them in with me, or have them help me with things that need to be done and pay them to do it. I would definitely help though. If it was really because it was something out of their control and they needed money I would do all I could.

As far as a sibling goes, I would let them live with me (and have done this), but that's about it. I figure living with 2 small children is enough to make any 20something be as motivated as possible to get a job and get out!

[hellokitty]

I like the idea of paying bills off (like utilities) instead of just giving cash. I think my parents will financially be ok. They are extremely frugal. My in laws on the other hand. My mil has been hinting for 10 yrs that basically her retirement plan is to use us as her personal ATM when she retires. I have been annoyed about this topic for a long time. In my mil's situation, it is less about her needing it, but more about her feeling that she is entitled to it (she's Korean). Even though my DH is not the oldest son, there is a good chance that we will get stuck having to take in mil and fil (by tradition, the oldest son takes in the parents). Really, I have no problems taking in fil, I just can't stand my mil though, she has a personality problem and drives everyone around her insane.

I don't know what to do, it's like we're going to eat it, either way. Either we will have to financially support her and/or they will end up moving in with us. Our house is not big enough, nor do we make even half as much as bil does and not only does he have a huge house, BUT he has a guest house on his property too, that would be perfect for mil/fil (he insists he is going to rent it out as extra income). However, bil has been known to shirk his familial duties in the past, so we can't count on him. I just feel like either way it is going to cost us.

I wish my mil was better about $ management. She has started up college funds for my kids and tries to give us $ all of the time. I would prefer that she keep her own $, so that SHE can use it when she needs it. However, I think that overall, her plan is that she wants us to feel like we owe her, so that is why she is trying to appear generous with her $ right now. It's just very weird. We never ask her for $, but she tries to give it to us, BUT then she keep saying things like, "I give you $ now, you give me $ later" and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. There's a huge ROPE attached to anything nice she does to us. I don't get that feeling from my parents as much as I do from my mil.

As for sibs, we would try to help out if they were ever in an financial crisis. However, I guess I don't see that happening. My youngest brother is kind of unrealistic when it comes to $, but my parents will help him out, b/c they always come to his rescue. He has been the only sibling who seems to take advantage of my parents when it comes to $. I hope that in the future he will step up to the plate when my parents may need more help, or else it will be my other brother and I who will have to do everything as usual.

[Moneypenny]

Someone who could support themselves but chooses not to won't get anything from me except encouragment.

Someone who makes poor decisions would get things from me, not money (food, household items, etc).

Someone who falls on hard times through no fault of their own would get whatever I could give them.

My parents are both pretty responsible with money. My mom's husband is a spender (never spending more than he has, but liking to spend just about everything), but she would never let him run them into debt.

DH had a brother (who has since died) who lost his job and suffered very ill health from alcoholism. He would have been welcome to stay with us provided he was sober but we would never have given him cash.

[Octobermommy]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I really appreciate the opinions.

[o_mom]

Someone who could support themselves but chooses not to won't get anything from me except encouragment.

Someone who makes poor decisions would get things from me, not money (food, household items, etc).

Someone who falls on hard times through no fault of their own would get whatever I could give them.



:yeahthat:

If my parents needed money, I would give it to them because it would truely be an emergency. It's like a story I heard once where a teenager would ask for $20 and his dad would give him $10. One day he asked his dad for $300 and his dad gave him $300. When he asked him "Why do you only give me half when I ask for $20, but you gave me the full amount when I asked for $300". His dad replied "If you ask for $20, it's for the movies or gas. If you ask for $300, it is for something serious".

IL's, OTOH, are a different story. It's a moot point now, because MIL passed away last spring (FIL died 30 years ago). She was one who lived far beyond her means, made very poor choices and generally refused to help herself. We supported her at first (lived with us, provided financial help etc.), but she was not willing to change. After that, we provided assistance in the form of stuff such as grocery cards, ordering stuff for her, but wouldn't hand over cash. The siblings (mine included) have pretty much used up whatever freebies we have. We help one SIL some because she is really trying to turn her life around, but that is about it.