So why don't people reciprocate?

[bubbaray]

This could definitely be in the BP, BUT I truly am looking for advice.

DH and I don't have any friends anymore. Since we've had kids, no one socializes with us. He has 1 ski buddy (lives out of town) and I have 1 long-time friend (lives out of town). That's it. I don't have friends I talk to on the phone or see IRL anymore. We work, come home, deal with the girls, go to bed. Repeat. Weekends are a blur of kids activities and errands. We try to go to church, but its been hit & miss this fall for various reasons -- but I've posted before that we haven't connected with anyone there anyway. I have one running friend I was running with, but both she and I fell off the wagon due to work committments and injuries. My coworkers are, for the most part, childless by choice and are quite vocal about not liking children (but I don't really socialize with my coworkers anyway).

Celebration times (such as New Years) is really hard for DH and I. We were formerly VERY social. We belonged to a running/tri club and hosted large (100+ people) parties year round. Then, bam, we had DD#1 and that was it. The running crowd basically wrote us off and we've not heard from any of those "friends" since.

I've tried to find "mom" groups to fit in with, but no luck. I've been banging my head against the "kid party" wall and have had large, FUN (seriously, FUN!) parties for DD#1, and have hosted Halloween parties every year except 1 (when I was PG with DD#2 and on the "no stress" restrictions from my OB/peri).

Not only do people not invite DH and I to parties, but they DON'T invite our kids. WTF? Seriously, this upsets me no end. I always invite all the daycare kids to our parties, they never reciprocate. We don't know many/any other little kids really, but have invited the ones that we know -- and they don't invite us to their parties. DH d/n care (fewer gifts to buy as far as he's concerned). *I* care.

And, I think DD#1 is starting to notice/care. The other night, she asked us to take her to Disneyland for her birthday (in April). DH and I are seriously considering it. Last year, her b-day party was about $500 and, frankly, I'd rather deal with crowds at DL rather than dealing with other people's kids who don't invite *my* kids to their parties. At least I'd get another set of mouse ears out of the deal.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just in a sulky mood. But, man, it get's old not getting invited to anything. All your NYE parties sound like so much fun and DH and I will be doing the same old same old -- kids to bet at 7:30 and 8pm respectively, watch some TV and go to bed by 10pm. Yawn.

Any ideas??

[npace19147]

Don't have much to offer in the way of advice, but I did want to send (((hugs))) to you. I wish you lived near me, you sound on here like someone who would be fun to hang out with!

Honestly, though, if your area is anything like mine it is very hard for a WOHM. It might be easier when your DD gets to kindergarden - at least around here schools have a policy that if you're going to invite kids from class then you have to invite everyone. That also makes it easier to meet other parents.

GL, it is no fun feeling lonely!

[amandabea]

Not only do people not invite DH and I to parties, but they DON'T invite our kids. WTF? Seriously, this upsets me no end. I always invite all the daycare kids to our parties, they never reciprocate. We don't know many/any other little kids really, but have invited the ones that we know -- and they don't invite us to their parties. DH d/n care (fewer gifts to buy as far as he's concerned). *I* care.



I totally understand. I had many friends and social engagements before marriage and DD, but now I truly have 1 or 2 friends and even they don't invite us to do anything. One is from high school and she just had a baby, so they never want to get together plus she has A LOT of family, so I think they are just too tired to socialize with us -- and they live over an hour away. My other friend is about 3.5 hours away and while I do talk to her at least once every few weeks we see each other only 2 or 3 times a year.

To top off the "no friends issue", we also have no family in the area -- if I didn't know better I'd think my DH was in the witness protection program as he has no family whatsoever! I feel bad for DD who will be 2 in January bc she loves people, especially kids and we don't know anyone for her to play with within a 50 mile radius. So far we've gone to the two daycare parties we've been invited to, but we were total outsiders and no one at daycare really seems interested in having our kids play together outside of the school.

My DH is a complete anti-social homebody, so this doesn't bother him and he just thinks I'm weird, but wanting friends is not weird. I just don't know how to make friends anymore.

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you, but I'll be watching to see what others post.

Amanda

[KBecks]

We aren't doing anything for NYE. I think it takes a real effort to make friends and if I didn't have a playgroup I'd be totally isolated. Even with playgroup I need to make a conscious effort to call and try and have one-on-one time with some of the members to feel connected.

I think it gets better once they are in school, I don't know. It's almost like I feel I need to decide -- I'm going to be friends with someone and then I just do the work of reaching out and making it all happen, or at least really get the ball rolling, and keeping it rolling. I think these are the busiest years, and I also think these are the years that we need friends!

I am terrible at large groups and much prefer having just a couple close friends. I actually kind of dread school birthday parties if we ever are invited, but I will work at being more outgoing and confident about those things.

[bubbaray]

Thanks ladies. I'm really hoping it *does* get easier in K, though I'm completely petrified that DD#1 won't make any friends and will be sad.... :(

Amanda, you sound like my twin. We too have no family. I feel like I am old enough that I shouldn't need lessons on how to make friends, but maybe I do. Sigh.

[gatorsmom]

This could definitely be in the BP, BUT I truly am looking for advice.

DH and I don't have any friends anymore. Since we've had kids, no one socializes with us. He has 1 ski buddy (lives out of town) and I have 1 long-time friend (lives out of town). That's it. I don't have friends I talk to on the phone or see IRL anymore. We work, come home, deal with the girls, go to bed. Repeat. Weekends are a blur of kids activities and errands. We try to go to church, but its been hit & miss this fall for various reasons -- but I've posted before that we haven't connected with anyone there anyway. I have one running friend I was running with, but both she and I fell off the wagon due to work committments and injuries. My coworkers are, for the most part, childless by choice and are quite vocal about not liking children (but I don't really socialize with my coworkers anyway).

Celebration times (such as New Years) is really hard for DH and I. We were formerly VERY social. We belonged to a running/tri club and hosted large (100+ people) parties year round. Then, bam, we had DD#1 and that was it. The running crowd basically wrote us off and we've not heard from any of those "friends" since.

I've tried to find "mom" groups to fit in with, but no luck. I've been banging my head against the "kid party" wall and have had large, FUN (seriously, FUN!) parties for DD#1, and have hosted Halloween parties every year except 1 (when I was PG with DD#2 and on the "no stress" restrictions from my OB/peri).

Not only do people not invite DH and I to parties, but they DON'T invite our kids. WTF? Seriously, this upsets me no end. I always invite all the daycare kids to our parties, they never reciprocate. We don't know many/any other little kids really, but have invited the ones that we know -- and they don't invite us to their parties. DH d/n care (fewer gifts to buy as far as he's concerned). *I* care.

And, I think DD#1 is starting to notice/care. The other night, she asked us to take her to Disneyland for her birthday (in April). DH and I are seriously considering it. Last year, her b-day party was about $500 and, frankly, I'd rather deal with crowds at DL rather than dealing with other people's kids who don't invite *my* kids to their parties. At least I'd get another set of mouse ears out of the deal.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just in a sulky mood. But, man, it get's old not getting invited to anything. All your NYE parties sound like so much fun and DH and I will be doing the same old same old -- kids to bet at 7:30 and 8pm respectively, watch some TV and go to bed by 10pm. Yawn.

Any ideas??

Melissa, you DO have friends- us virtual ones! Does it make you feel any better to know that I could almost have written your post? DH and I were very, very social before we moved here. In fact, every time we go to Texas to visit the ILs we also visit our "before-kids" friends, who now have kids too, and we realize how much we miss them. But after you have kids, socializing gets so hard for so many reasons. It's hard to go out and drink because dealing with the hangover sucks. And so many of the people we have fun around don't parent or supervise their children the way we do. There are some moms I'm sort of friends with. What I mean is, I respect and trust their parenting skills but other than that we have no other interests in common or our personalities don't match. As a result, we dont' do much other than trade kids occasionally. But that's ok with me.

DH and I were just talking about this tonight. We do a ton as a family together. IN the summers we spend our weekends either on a skiboat or camping. And we are getting the kids into sports that we all enjoy- in the winter that will be downhill (or for me crosscountry) skiing. DH and I do make a serious effort to do once-per-week datenights. Just us 2 going to dinner or a movie. That's important for both of us. But there isn't much socializing going on beyond that other than the occasional neighborhood thing.

I don't worry about our lack of friends much because I remember that my parents had the exact same problem. They loved having parties at their house. I remember them when I was little. They had card parties in their basement all the time. But as my brother and I got a little older, my parents stopped having them. I noticed that they rarely did things with their friends-especially the ones who they thought were less than a good influence for us kids. There was one couple whom they had known all their lives but cursed like sailors-even in front of their kids. My parents distanced themselves from them for years. But as soon as we were grown and nearly out the door, they started hanging out with the old crowd again. I figure that will happen for us too.

As for the kids, don't worry. Give it a couple of years and you will be fighting off their friends. Gator just this year started asking nearly everyday if we can invite so-n-so over for a playdate. And I have moms ask me all the time if Gator can come to their house for aplaydate. Honestly, i am HAPPY to have them at my house. I prefer that. That way I don't have to have the paranoid, awkward discussion about guns and dogs in the house. I also don't have to go into the carseat safety spiel with them (most offer to take Gator right after school and then drive him back to our house). But all this socializing just started this year. Cha doesn't have much of that yet. I expect it will start when he and his little friends turn 5yo.

Give it some time, sweetie. Before you know it, you'll be asking yourself, "ok, now whose house is she at again?"

[bubbaray]

Melissa, you DO have friends- us virtual ones!

Thank you so much, Lisa. I needed that!!! :)

[elektra]

DH and I used to be social too. He would play on a softball team a few nights a week, I was taking a dance class, met with friends often, traveled, etc.
And now that we have DD, we don't do anything either. We have only had a babysitter (always has been a family member) I think 5 times total in almost 2 years. When I hear about people who have weekly date nights, I just can't picture it. We have semi-annual date nights!
Now we have the same basic nightly routine too, where he comes home while I am bathing DD, and then he puts her to bed, while I finish up work. I then stay on the computer or maybe come out to watch TV with him. But often we spend the evenings completely apart. Pretty pathetic.
This pregnancy was practically immaculate conception.
The fact that I work from home 99% of the time does not help my social life either, since I did actually used to socialize with my co-workers.

That really sucks about the other families/kids not inviting you guys to their parties even though you have hosted what sounds like several yourself. I think I would have given up long before that! But I was reading some of the other posts here and it does make sense that once your kids are in school and doing more extracurricular things, it's more likely that they will be making friends, as will you with the parents possibly. I know that my mom became very good friends with some of my friends' parents as well as my brother's friends' parents while hanging out on the sidelines at all of our sporting events.
I know personally that part of my problem is that I have a hard time making new friends. I think I come across as standoffish at first even though I think I am actually very friendly. I have one good friend, who happens to be single, who invites me to everything even though I can only do stuff once in awhile. I thank her for this often and I value our friendship so much. Every other old friend of mine seems to have dropped off the face of the earth too.
And I also had no luck with the mom's group I joined and have now since left. I agree that working moms have a harder time with this since the only real time to do events is on weekends or try to cram something in from 5pm-7pm.
Luckily I do have family nearby, although that has it's own set of issues too. However, I have become somewhat close with one of my SIL's which has been nice as her DD and mine are close in age.

I don't have advice because obviously I have similar issues. I do know that I want to go out more with DH, but it just seems like so much effort to ever do anything. I know it must be done though.

[Fairy]

I'm so sorry, Melissa. Loneliness is an awful feeling, I understand. :hug:

Your post made me think about who my true friends are. I do have a core group of mommy friends that I've made only recently, since DS has been in daycare. We started out in the baby room together, and we've stuck together, even tho our kids are all now in diff classes due to the deadline and/or multiple rooms of the same age group. Luckily, one of the five of us is very much the glue and arranges everything. If not for her, we'd still consider each other friends, but not sure we'd be as social as we are (which ain't much, as there are five us us, seven children, and ya know, good luck scheduling THAT kind of social time). But honestly, that's a group that came together by sheer luck. The baby room, and age 2 room, we were all together, and the parents from that class were awesome. But age 3 room and age 4 room, the parents have, frankly, sucked. No one's that friendly, and I never see any of them kibbitzing at drop off or pick up like we all did the first two years. So, I consider it luck of the draw on that.

My very best friends happen to be my very oldest friends. The one I've had since age 9 and the one since college. They're local, but we all have kids of our own -- one's due with #4 soon -- and so getting with them is sparse, but we make it happen.

I have a group of college friends, and we see each other once a year if we're lucky. Used to be twice, but that's about impossible these days. One of us has thyroid cancer, one is dealing with serious family issues, one is me with normal family commitments, two are more flexible, and one has just plain become a bitch and gone off to greener pastures (why we continue to include her I don't know). But again, we get together annually IF WE'RE LUCKY.

The real social regularity is doing alot of social things with our Star Trek club, which is 16 years old. People have gotten older (or just plain old), grown up, had kids, died ... all those milestones. And we meet every single month, so that's instant social stuff, and we're lucky to have that. But the glue there is three or four people who do absolutely everything, and if it weren't for them, we'd fold, I promise you. And DH has poker once a month.

So, you see, I kind of default into all these things. Yes, we have Star Trek we have the mommy friends and poker. The other stuff isn't regular and isn't readily available. So, NYE? I have plans I don't want --> the mommy group kids party solely so DS can have fun. But we tried having several people over, and no one bit ("we don't want to be on the road on NYE, sorry"). Bah humbug to them. My drama friends? Haven't heard from them; I'm old, apparently. The college friends? I got exactly one Xmas card, and it's from the one fighting cancer! I do alot of seeking out for social stuff, and it takes a few ehs to find one diamond.

I'm babbling now. Move here, I'll be your friend :-)

[s_gosney]

Hi Melissa,

Another issue where I feel like we're living parallel lives. :) Since moving away from all we've ever known a year and a half ago, we have gotten to a point where we really have no friends. We have lots of acquaintances, coworkers, fellow students, etc, but as far as people we hang out with, that's basically non-existent. There is one family that we randomly met at music in the park that we really clicked with, but they have lived in the area much longer, so they have other friends plus family in the area and it's not like we can expect to see them every weekend. An additional complicating factor in our situation (that I know is not the same for you) is our issue of having done things "out of order." So we have school friends who are single or married w/o kids and then we have dd's classmates families who are dual income, established in their career type people. We also have had difficulty connecting with people at church. So, obviously I'm no help, but I can definitely sympathize. I don't know why it's so hard to make friends, but it definitely is. DH and I really need to work on trying to find some more friends somehow because it is really wearing on him to not have people around us (and me too, but to a lesser extent).
I'm so sorry about the issue of not being invited. That is really strange and just all-around sucks. :(
I really must go to sleep. I have a feeling that this post is totally incoherent due to lack of sleep. Sorry about that.
Good luck and hugs!

[Clarity]

:grouphug: I think a lot of us here can relate. My dh and I are homebodies and don't have many couples to socialize with. Reading your post my first thought was that I'd cheerfully socialize with you if we lived in proximity.

I'd keep trying the church angle. Find a new one if you're not happy at the current one. Do playdates. I WOTH at a very large organization. I called women that i knew had small children and stated a mom's group at work. We meet at lunch sans dc but some of us now arrange playdates for our dc after hours. I've also tried to be a presence at dc's daycare/preschool. This has helped me get to know the other kids and parents and we now playdate with them. I think playdates are a great tool.
I also have tried to cultivate a relationship with one of dh's coworkers. That's been nice because not only do I like her but dh has a relationship and something in common with her too which is nice when we do things as families.

[youngmommy]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.
Every once in awhile I end up crying on the phone to my mom about feeling lonely, and she always says the same thing to me: you've got to BE a friend to HAVE friends.

Try to reach out to other people more frequently, even when it feels like no one is reaching back. People will reach back eventually.

I don't have too much time, but I want to share with you one tip that has helped me quite a lot with reaching out/socialization: my cordless phone headset.

I know it might sound dorky, but I try to remember to put on my headset and give a call to a friend or family member every time I'm in the kitchen doing dishes, chopping veggies, folding laundry, etc.

It really helps me feel more connected, and while we're on the phone I end up planning things with friends. Even when we don't plan something I feel less lonely. I don't see people very often either. So busy with taking care of the kids and house!

Please know that you're not the only lonely mommy/family out there. You might just really brighten your own day, as well as someone else's day, with a friendly phone call.

This is the headset I use:

http://www.amazon.com/Jabra-C150-Universal-Headset-2-5mm/dp/B0019M2WXQ/ref=sr_1_67?ie=UTF8&s=electronics&qid=1230699638&sr=1-67

I have to admit that I've been through a few of them. Headsets are pretty easy to break, no matter which one you get, so I end up replacing it every 6 months or so, but they're not expensive. I usually order a few at a time to save on shipping. Shop around for prices.

I sometimes run the cord down under my shirt to keep it from getting tangled on the kids or with whatever I'm doing. Then I just hang my cordless phone from my waist and get to work.

Good luck!

[kellij]

I'm in your boat too. We're either staying here NYE and doing nothing, or if we get super lucky, going to my parents. DH probably won't be home with enough time for that drive so I doubt it will happen.

As far as bdays go, my DS had his last Saturday. We invited all kids in the class so that no one would feel left out. (We had it at a gym and you pay per kid.) Apparently we may be the only ones with that philosophy. What really ticked me off, in addition to the rude non-rsvpers, was that one mom immediately said yes and then just didn't show up. No email, no call, nothing. We saw her last night at another bday party and no acknowledgment of that whatsoever. How rude is that? Plus, I know several of the other kids had bdays and we didn't get an invite. I don't mind people being rude to me nearly as much as I mind them being rude to my child. It's funny though, the moms that I like the most and that I think are the friendliest are the ones who have invited my son to their parties and the rude unfriendlies are the ones who didn't. Hmmm.

[mommyp]

:hug: You are definitely not alone in feeling like this, as the number of similar posts attests. We are in a similar boat, having moved twice in the last 6 years doesn't help. Our families are in Canada and all our university/grad school friends are scattered across the continent. We have nice colleagues and a few other friends, but I haven't really connected strongly with anyone that I can say that is my friend and just call to chat. It is hard for me to make friends, I am not an outgoing person (understatement of the year!). I don't understand the not reciprocating though, we are planning a small party for DD's first b-day coming up and that is one of our considerations.

[hez]

Thanks ladies. I'm really hoping it *does* get easier in K

If your experience is anything like ours, several kids in the class will indeed invite the *entire* class to their birthday parties. It's been really nice for us to get to know the rest of the parents that way, actually. And, I highly recommend taking vacation to volunteer in the class as often as you can, and to go on the class field trips if they take them. I've been on leave this year, and have managed to click with a couple of the moms this way. DH took vacation to chaperone the first field trip, and has gone to a couple birthday parties, so he feels like he's beginning to know the other parents, too.

Keep reaching out. Even with a regular social circle, we're staying home for NYE. Our choice 'cause the party option was kid-free.

[swrc00]

Melissa,
I justed wanted to give you a ((hug)). I think things will get better once DD 1 gets to Kindergarten. I have to say I would totally want to hang out with you if I lived near you. I love your posts!!!

Susan

[dcmom2b3]

So we're going for the blunt and plainspoken. (b/c I know you'll take it in the spirit in which it's intended)

Dude, you have a standing invitation at my house. Seriously. Anytime. Except for Inaguration weekend . . .

And don't be too surprised if I track you down next time I'm on that side of the continent just to say hi, and to thank you, and to give you a hug. For being fabulous.

I'd be honored to be your friend.

So if church isn't working, find a new one. Diff. denomination maybe? Are UUs too crunchy for you? B/c they welcome everybody. I have a feeling you and yours would fit in great at our church, but it would be a crappy commute for a school night. Your colleagues aren't into kids -- well, consider a new firm (I know, it's huge, but still . . . .)

Bottom line, I know it's f****n hard to try to maintain a routine to make your DDs' lives stable while exploring social and community pathways to make your family's life rich overall. But you can do it.

Here endeth the sermon.

Love and hugs.

[shawnandangel]

Melissa,

You are not alone! Let me say first that you are one of the posters that I really look forward to reading on this board! I would love to be your friend. I was just crying on DH's shoulder the other night about how I didn't have any friends, but I have been trying to reach out.

I baked holiday cookies for all my neighbors with kids! It worked wonders. In the past week we've had 3 sets of neighbors stop by our house to say thank you or bring us something yummy to eat! YAY!

Hang in there!

[Fairy]

Yes, that was another thing I forgot, neighbors! Have you explored that avenue much? Here's an idea I'm stealing from a friend who does this -->

This spring, call the ice cream man. There's gotta be one. See if he'll make a regular stop in your neighborhood at a central place -- or your driveway! -- every week and then flyer the neighborhood that in an attempt to get to know everyone better and for the sake of all that is good and ice creamy, the ice cream man cometh every Tuesday at 7pm. See how that flies. I'll bet you'll really get takers and a regular group of enjoyers of weekly dairy goodness!

[mytwosons]

:hug: I remember it was hard for us too at that age.

Are all these kids having parties? I know in our circle, not all the kids had parties at that age. If they did, the parties were only one or two friends and lots of family. DS1 didn't have his first friend party until he was 5. For us, once the friends started turning five, there has been a steady stream of parties. Actually, it seems like that's all we ever do on the weekend anymore.

Is the group Mothers and More in Canada? Around here, it's much better suited for WOTH moms. What about the alumni networks? Many women are in your shoes and some schools have specific groups for moms. If yours doesn't, maybe you could start one?

[scrooks]

Just reading this post is great...glad to know that DH and I aren't the only people without much of a social life...

[Neatfreak]

Just wanted to say that I would totally hang out with you and invite you to parties if I lived in YVR :)

Btw, Disneyland is a really magical place for birthdays. We might take DD1 back again in 2009, because it was seriously less stress than planning a party ...

[jenmcadams]

Thanks ladies. I'm really hoping it *does* get easier in K, though I'm completely petrified that DD#1 won't make any friends and will be sad.... :(

Amanda, you sound like my twin. We too have no family. I feel like I am old enough that I shouldn't need lessons on how to make friends, but maybe I do. Sigh.

It will get better in K -- I'm sure of it. My DD went to a daycare/preschool (2-3 days per week) from 2-5 b/c I was working part time and b/c I liked the daycare better than the typical AM preschools in our area. The community feel of it is definitely different than typical school or preschools. We were invited to 2 (maybe 3) parties in the three years we were there with my DD and my son is on year 2 of 3 and we get invited to one party each year (the younger brother of one of my DD's friends who attends the school) and my DS is the only one from that school invited. In K, my DD's (and ours to some extent) social life took off. She went to tons of parties, we joined sports teams with kids from her school and we ended up joining a neighborhood pool that 2/3 of her K class mates belong to.

It is so tough when your kids are young, you're WOTH full time and your former friends are in a different place than you are in terms of kids. We got lucky that two other (pre-kid friend) couples have had kids at the same time as us, have minimal family in the area and like to hang out with us :)

Finally, I love your posts too and wish you were here. We could be friends. It can be really hard for WOHM moms to get plugged in. I'm basically a SAHM, but most of my close friends WOHM at least part-time. I'm a former big firm consultant, ran a marketing department for a small company, top-MBA, etc. and sometimes it's fun for me to stay plugged in with my friends who still work. I loved the fact that in my DDs full day K class there were a lot of WOHMs with interesting careers to meet. I became friends with a bunch of them and I know they appreciated me being around all the time to help them stayed plugged in to what was happening at school when they couldn't be there. But, I think sometimes those connections are hard to make at daycare when drop-offs and pick-ups are all at different times, different days, etc.

So, sorry for the long post, but it touched a nerve for me. I've always had an easy time making friends until I was a Mom and I know how lucky I got that some of our close friends had kids when we did and that I was able to meet some other SAHMs who happened to have similar backgrounds to me to hang out with when my kids were young.

Have a great new year's eve and know it will get better

[amandabea]

And, I think DD#1 is starting to notice/care. The other night, she asked us to take her to Disneyland for her birthday (in April). DH and I are seriously considering it. Last year, her b-day party was about $500 and, frankly, I'd rather deal with crowds at DL rather than dealing with other people's kids who don't invite *my* kids to their parties. At least I'd get another set of mouse ears out of the deal.


Melissa, if you and your family go to DL for your DD#1's birthday, I'd totally find a way to go the same day and run into you (or does that just make me sound crazy?!) -- see this is why it's so hard for me to make friends, I'm always second guessing myself.

Anyway, I'm so glad that I found this board and have made virtual friends. I know I don't post as often as many, but I read frequently from my Blackberry and try to respond to a few posts in the evening after I put DD to bed and can get away from DH for 30 mins or so. Anything longer than that and he starts calling for me. I really need a laptop with wireless internet.

Amanda

[bubbaray]

OK, can I just scream -- YOU LADIES ARE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously. Thank you soooo much for all your kind words. You have no idea how much they mean to me!!! :)

More later. I have to collect myself, LOL.

[Happy 2B mommy]

Awww, Melissa,

I'm so sorry your feel like this, but you aren't alone. I'm living in my hometown where I know a lot of folks and most of the time I still feel alone. Even with friends with kids, it's just hard to schedule. Our friends w/o kids are childless by choice and prefer not to be around LOs. Our family is non-existant (DH and I are both only children)

Our childrens museum has a monthly 'moms night out'. It's a mix of SAHM/WOHMs and I've met a few nice people there, but haven't really connected with anyone yet. We also have a Parent Educator/ Parents as Teachers program in out area. It's great, but as they are a non-profit, they really don't have $ to advertise all they do. We just happened upon them. Later this month they are hosting a parents' dinner (they provide food and childcare, you get to sit and talk with grownups). You registar by your child's age, so you meet folks who have kiddos the same age as yours. This will be the first one we go to, so we'll see how it goes. Do a search or make some phone calls and ask if anyone is aware of a local Parents as Teachers program.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. As pps have said, you're not alone. BIG Hugs.

[ritacheetah]

Wow, I could have written your post as well. I have lived away from my hometown for 15 years. I had a pretty good group of friends until the real estate boom when they pretty much all moved away. It's very hard to make friends where I live to start, one (of many) thing I've always hated about it here. I've been pushing DH to move back home for 2 years (all our family is there). I am the type who makes a few friends and keeps them for life and that's not what it's like around here, unless you grew up here. I really miss my family.

I do have a Mom's group that I attend once a week but no one seems interested in meeting outside of the group. It's very frustrating and lonely and I agree the holidays are depressing with no family around! It's warm where I live and at least we can get outside. It must be really hard in the winter.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[sste]

Melissa,

I am in the same boat too. I have always prided myself on having a great circle of friends and I do . . . in every city I have lived in but the current one. Makes for great travel but not a day to day social life. My husband and I have actually been talking about moving to a college town/smaller town on the theory that it may have more of a sense of community than living a huge metro area as we currently do.

I think that two major factors, at least for me, are two people working out of the home. DH and I do not have much energy for anything but work and our baby. And making new friends takes some energy. If you commute on top of that . . .

Maybe a if you build it they will come mentality would be helpful. For example, get a regular, standing Sat. night sitter and devote that night to getting together with an acquaintance or attending something where you could meet someone. Or, make every Sunday afternoon kid outing with another family or brunch and play with other mom or something. The key is to make a routine so you don't have to think about times or dates, you always know sitter is coming Sat at 7pm or brunch/socializing window is 10-12 or whatever it is.

[ahrimie]

i agree with everyone else here.. it IS harder once you start having kids. my dh and i used to be so busy with social gatherings and going out, even if it was just the two of us.. but we can't/don't do that anymore. we've even tried asking my in laws to babysit for a little bit but that never works out the way i want to. dd will be up and playing when we come home WAY past her bedtime!

like a lot of other pp's have said... you might just need to put forth more effort. i think a lot of moms and dads are lonely and they are probably the same moms/dads in your daycare and all around you. i bet they don't know how to reach out to other people too. i'm in a moms group but i, too, find that i have to reach out more often and do one on one's to feel more connected. i like one pp's idea about chaperoning or visiting the school and taking a day off to do it... i'd consider it an investment for you and your dd.

the ice cream man idea is great too! maybe i'll do that when my dd is older :)

i would also find another church you may like. i'm very active in our church but still find it hard to connect with people we can hang out with all the time bc not everyone is just like me: younger couple with a baby. but, i do like my church very much and if anything, i feel accepted and at home there. tonight, that's where i'm going. we have a nye service and afterwards there's a gathering at someone's home that our church is invited to. in korean tradition, you eat a special rice cake soup, so we're making that and everyone is bringing a component of that dish :)

a few years ago, that would not have been my idea of fun on nye.. but, at the same time, i can't see myself spending nye at a club/bar/lounge ringing in the new year anymore either. i figure, life changes and you have to change along with it... you just have to find new ways to do the same things that work for you.

i feel very much like you too though.. no family here and all my close friends live far away. sigh*

[KBecks]

Do you have work friends, Melissa? Is there any potential to be buddies with one of your co-workers?

I am not good at having work friends, but since you're at work a lot, perhaps having a closer or more personal relationship with one or more of your co-workers would help you feel more connected. Are there any other mothers with kids your ages or kids a little older there? Can you get out to lunch a couple times a month to socialize?

I have some friendly co-workers who are delightful people who I have not become close friends with (I work so few hours that I feel I need to spend my time in the office very focused on work), if I were full time I would be wanting to hang with them more often to make both my work and personal life more fun.

Work friends can be kind of tricky, but I think it's a very good opportunity for greater personal and professional satisfaction too.

ETA: I love being virtual friends with you (even though I'm a slacker and don't PM or anything special, sorry!) It's especially good because IRL it's a little messy at my place and you don't have to see it!

[lmwbasye]

All your NYE parties sound like so much fun and DH and I will be doing the same old same old -- kids to bet at 7:30 and 8pm respectively, watch some TV and go to bed by 10pm. Yawn.



Well, first off, if it makes you feel any better, my plans for tonight involve getting kids to bed and watching TV by myself while DH convoys across Iraq for a mission. Yep...can't even Skype with him like I planned at midnight. Sigh. So your plans sound great to me. :)

To the topic at hand...HUGS HUGS HUGS. I totally know what you are talking about. We move a lot and our friends mostly do not seem to want to keep in touch with us after we move. We seem to find it impossible to find others of like-minded interests. Even our closest friends (a couple that we met years and years ago and love) have recently all but stopped returning phone calls or anything. In addition, no family in the area.

I would think as a former Kindergarten teacher that things will change when Kindergarten comes around. I constantly saw moms talking about getting kiddos together. It may have something to do with their age. DS1 is also 4 and really hasn't been invited to anything. i just chalk it up to his being 4 and things (hopefully) will change once he starts school.

I guess I don't really have any advice other than to say you are not alone. Oh, and party on my laptop at midnight tonight...everyone's invited. Ha ha!

[MontrealMum]

:hug: Melissa, I just saw this, and {{{hugs}}} ... if you lived closer I would LOVE to hang out with you and be your friend. You seem like a kind, and amazingly cool sort of person. And you know how to make fancy mixed drinks :)

I can empathize in some respect with your situation. I am the social one out of the two of us, and since having DS our lives have changed drastically. I work really hard at having 'mommy' friends, or at cultivating those sorts of friendships, but I have noticed that once you have kids it's pretty hard to keep up friendships with those that do not have them, or don't want them. I've been "dropped" by a few people and that was hard to come to grips with. I am lucky that I do have several amazing friends, but none of them live here in Mtl. Making friends is a hard thing to do, and keeping friendships up is hard work. I think it's harder as parents because you try to befriend people for your kids' sakes, and you may not have all that much in common with these other adults IYKWIM - so your heart isn't always in it, at least, mine isn't.

I cannot believe the situation with inviting people to your DD's parties with no reciprocation. Where are these people's manners? I'd be pretty ticked too. I guess the only thing I can say is hang in there, and try to cultivate some new friendships based on pp suggestions. Winter is always the worst for loneliness too. I'll be thinking about you, and hoping it gets better.

ps. we're not doing anything for NYE either - whether I was sick or not! Except maybe going to bed early ;)

[ThreeofUs]

First, let me send a hug. I know how you feel. We were in the same boat.

DH and I decided that we needed to join a different community. So we looked around for a place that really focused on family and community - and found it. It's a school which also hosts a spiritual community. H goes to their preschool now, and we will start attending the community Saturdays and other events as soon as G is old enough.

Our lives are now completely different. It took some looking around - we asked just about everyone we knew and searched the net for a "home" - but we feel like we're on the right track now. We share belief systems, a taste for parties, and a focus on family and kids with these people.

Good luck! There are other people like you and you just have to find them!

[egoldber]

I'm sorry. It really is hard to meet new people especially after becoming parents. People's lives get so busy and it is hard to find people whose family styles mesh with yours. :( I think it's easier for kids to find friends once they start school, but even then I think the parents really do have to put themselves out there by hosting playdates.


I cannot believe the situation with inviting people to your DD's parties with no reciprocation. Where are these people's manners?

If my child were invited to a birthday party where the whole class was invited, I would not feel like I had to reciprocally invite that child to a birthday party. If it was a smaller, more intimate party, then I would probably invite that child to our party though.

[infocrazy]

If my child were invited to a birthday party where the whole class was invited, I would not feel like I had to reciprocally invite that child to a birthday party. If it was a smaller, more intimate party, then I would probably invite that child to our party though.

I agree with this. My DS1 is about a year younger than your oldest and we haven't done any "friend" parties yet. Just family and family friends which already adds up to quite a bit so I doubt we will add friends for awhile.

I totally understand on everything else too! DH is frustrated that we don't really have any plans tonight. We have some invites but all are pretty far away and no kids. They would all welcome the boys but there is nothing I hate more than being the only one with kids at a party. I just think the whole time that I'd rather be playing with them at home!

I definitely need to get out more. I do have some really close friends that I talk to lot but they all live pretty far away. One friend and I have talked about trying to meet for dinner every other week somewhere in the middle.

It is hard to meet other moms though since just about EVERY kid activity around here is scheduled during the work week. DH also doesn't get home until about 8pm through the week so that just compounds the issue. I have sort of hit it off with a mom at DS1's preschool but scheduling a playdate has been sort of difficult since our weekends seem pretty slammed already!

No real advice I guess, just understanding!

[GlindaGoodWitch]

Understanding and hugs from me too. From what I've gleaned from your posts, you seem like a very nice fun person and one that I would never guess felt lonely.

Although I have to say that I felt guilty after attending 2 Bday parties this year without reciprocating. DD is 2 and has sensory issues and so her party this year was just Grandma & Grandpa and ourselves. It was what I thought would be the most fun for *her*.

As far as the friends issue is concerned, we're kinda in the same boat only I have to tell you I don't really care MOST of the time. I'm crazy with DD's therapy and my 11mo old and on days we don't have to be somewhere, it's nice to know I can be schlubby and not take a shower and know that no one will be popping by my hairball infested house. Maybe that makes me anti-social or strange... I don't know. Is it really wrong to say that I dread playdates?

If you're anything like me, the true friends I have are the ones that you hit it off right away, take little effort and are incredibly hard to come by. Most of them for me live in different parts of the country. (I guess I've moved a lot.) It's kind of hard for me to get geared up to spend an afternoon or evening with someone I only sorta like. To be honest, I feel a pressure to be funny and entertaining and that takes a bunch of energy I just don't have to spare these days.

So thank you for posting this thread. I probably didn't help you (sorry), but it felt really nice for me to get that off my chest.

[pinkmomagain]

If you're anything like me, the true friends I have are the ones that you hit it off right away, take little effort and are incredibly hard to come by. Most of them for me live in different parts of the country. (I guess I've moved a lot.) It's kind of hard for me to get geared up to spend an afternoon or evening with someone I only sorta like. To be honest, I feel a pressure to be funny and entertaining and that takes a bunch of energy I just don't have to spare these days.

This is me exactly! Sometimes it's just too much effort. I prefer to be around people I really *click* with....you just don't meet them everyday.

While ideally I would like to have more friends, I don't feel horrible about it either. I just find that I'm so wrapped up with family/house, that I don't really have the time/energy/mental capacity to put a ton of effort towards it. Maybe when my youngest is a little bit older..........

[KrisM]

Well, it's NYE and my kids are in bed. Not sure if I'll make it midnight awake :).

DS is in preschool and one of the moms has had 2 mom-parties at her house during preschool time. It was great to meet the other moms and to chat more than at drop-off and pick-up. I know you work, but could you do something like that to get to know those moms?

I'm fortunate to have some mom friends. DH has work friends and he plays tennis with them. But, we have no friends that we see on our own. Playdates for DS, sure, but not anything for NYE or anything else, which disappoints me.

[DrSally]

If it makes you feel better, DH and I are sitting around watching library rental movies after we put the kids to bed. AND tomorrow is my birthday. Sounds like a lot of adults you (did) socialize with are just not into the same things anymore. Socializing with other families is different than adults with no kids--different activities, times of day, etc. It is hard to make new friends. I thought it would never happen in my last home (out of state), but I found a good mom's group and friendships grew from there. I would keep trying to find a mom's group that you could connect with. Any specific groups for professionals/moms on meetup.com in your area? They might be more able to know where you're coming from.

Other daycare kids families not inviting you to their bday parties? I don't know what's going on there. They should reciprocate. If it really bothers you, I say go on a trip instead.

ETA: How about the church? Do they have any family activities where you could meet people. You're way ahead of me in that we haven't even scouted out churches yet.

[kransden]

We were in the same boat, and your kid going to kindergarten can change that. Often people with kids in preschool are too overwhelmed to have a party, plus it is so expensive. By putting your child in kindergarten there is often a little more breathing room in the budget for parties. BTW we took dd to Disneyland for her birthday and it was fantastic.

We also found a really great church and socialize with other parents from there. I really miss all my friends and family back in the midwest, but we aren't moving back. So I am trying to make the best of it.

[spunkybaby]

Hugs, Melissa. I don't post much, but I love reading your posts and think you'd be a cool friend :)

I think it's much harder as a WOHM to connect with other families because you have less "discretionary" time. I went from being a SAHM to part-time WOHM over the summer, and it's been much more difficult to arrange playdates since I started working. I also realized that it was easier to get to know other moms and kids at DD1's coop preschool than at her all-day non-coop preschool because the non-coop all-day preschool (obviously) caters to working parents. So everyone picks up and drops off at different times, and there are almost no activities that include parents (except the Halloween parade, which we missed since it was not on one of our two days at preschool). And honestly, even though there are a few little girls who DD1 has become friends with at the non-coop all-day preschool, I have been less motivated to set up playdates because I feel busier these days with my working schedule and because I figure she sees them all day for two days a week. So if I'm going to set up a playdate, it's usually with other kids/moms that we haven't seen in a while and whom she doesn't see on a regular basis.

DD1 still attends the coop preschool the three afternoons that I don't work, so we still meet moms and kids there. Plus we have friends from our mothers' club playgroup and from church, but I think if we didn't have those friends already, it'd be much harder to strike up a friendship with other moms/families at a 1x a week dance class, for example.

I definitely think you should take your DD1 to Disneyland for her birthday. That's what we're doing for our DD1's birthday as well. I figure she's turning 5 and still in the midst of princess mania. Plus, Disney is offering special deals on your birthday (free admission or a gift card with the credit of a one-day admission to spend at Disneyland). Also, to be honest, there is already some little-girl friendship drama going on--even within our own playgroup--and I didn't feel like dealing with the birthday party invite list. So off to Disneyland we go!

[strollerqueen]

Well you KNOW I'm you're friend! :) Just wished we lived closer! Happy New Year, anyway!

[MamaKath]

(((Melissa))) I have that issue here also. Especially since I went back to work because now there is less time than ever. DH has pretty much no friends to hang out with, and is often too grumpy for my friends. :shrug: I find IRL and even online things go in cycles. Wish you lived closer IRL, I often think we would hit it off!

[SASM]

HUGE (((((hugs))))) to you, Melissa! I can say with complete honesty that I can completely relate. I posted a while back about my issues very similiar to yours. Before school started, we moved to a new area, away from family and close friends and our neighborhood just happens to be KIDLESS and free of young couples. I have been inviting kids from both DS's K class and DD's pre-K class to come over for playdates or meet somewhere neutral for playdates without success. They are participating in extracurricular activities and they haven't been able to get together with any of those kids either. My kids are extremely social, as am I, and this move has been extremely tough. I am truly at my wit's end. So...I feel for you. HUGE HUGS!! If you need a running buddy, I am here for you. :) I need to start running again. We might not be running alongside eachother but can support eachother. :)

HUGS!!!

[bubbaray]

You ladies are truly the best. THE BEST. Seriously. I don't know what to say. I'm truly blessed to have all of you here to pick me up, dust me off and get me back on my feet again when I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Its a new year. A new page. A new day.

[Wife_and_mommy]

M,

Wanted to agree with pp's! I'd love to be a IRL friend of yours. :hug:

Wanted to mention re: church--have you gotten involved in any groups or volunteering? Our church has grown tremendously since we started going there. It would be very easy to attend once/week and not know a soul. Getting actively involved is what helped cultivate friendships all those years ago.

[srhs]

...I love reading your posts and think you'd be a cool friend :)

:yeahthat: except I think of you as way cooler than me! You are probably out of my league as friend material. :)

(especially seeing as how I say things like "way cooler")

[urquie]

The other night, she asked us to take her to Disneyland for her birthday (in April). DH and I are seriously considering it.

how about a birthday trip down to the seattle area? we can celebrate both our girls 5th b-days together (dd's is early may). we would love to be your friends! :hug:

[elektra]

I am also in for meeting up at Disneyland in April!