Questions about infertility treatments and poor economy.

[MNmomtobe]

I am wondering how long it took you or your spouse to find employment again? In which field do you or spouse work? Were you able to find a new job in previous field?
DH lost his job a few months ago right when we finally agreed to move forward to attempt to conceive DC #2 via IVF. DD#1 was an IVF baby herself. Of course, it is not feasible for us anymore to continue with our plans which is heartbreaking (more for me than DH). I only have 3 months to sign on for a warranty program through my RE's office where we would get 70% of our money back (70% of $22,000) if 3 rounds of IVF are unsuccessful. Once I have my next birthday, I would no longer be eligible and would have to pay per round of IVF (likely around $10,000 each) with no money back if it is unsuccessful.

I don't want to put us in major financial ruin but I fear DD growing up an only child! I would appreciate any advice or thoughts. Thanks!

ETA: I forgot to mention that I am currently employed and have always carried our health insurance benefits.

[ha98ed14]

I'm not in your position (job loss or wanting a second) so my thoughts are just from the perspective of outsider:

1) First, you need to confront your fears of DD growing up an only. What exactly is it that you are afraid of? Her being selfish, lonely? There are ways to address these concerns without having a second child. You need to figure out solutions you believe will address the issues for your own peace of mind. Examples could be fostering close relations with cousins or friends' children.
The reality is that even if you have DC2, there is no guarentee they will be close in childhood or as adults. I know many wonderful only kids and adults. The assumptions people make about them are not true all the time. Everyone, including onlies, is an individual shaped by many things in their life, not just their birth order.

2) It is not worth potentially jepordizing your family and DD's future opportunities/ education/ financial stability to obtain a second DC. This is my opinion. Others may disagree, but I believe your DD will feel best loved by a mom and dad whose emotional and financial resources are present to her now in this moment and in future moments, rather than investing emotional and financial resources in a future scenario that might be. DD is here now. That is a given. DC2 is not a given, even with IVF. Better to use your resources to give DD the best childhood you can now with what you have before you than to put her "on hold" until DC2 gets here and the family is "complete."

3) Try to start thinking about your family as complete the way it is. If you absolutely cannot see it that way, would you consider adoption? That would be something you could pursue when your financial resources are better and the cost does not change based on your birthday.

Just my thoughts. Hope it is helpful. Sending P&PT for your DH's job and answers to the DC2 question.

[sste]

Would you feel comfortable giving us more info about your dh's field/position? My husband and I are in tenure-type job situations so we have not experienced unemployment - - but I know many friends who have in various fields such as computers, engineering, mid-level business.

Also, is it possible for your family to live off of just your salary?

Will you be able to afford the IVF treatments at 10-12k per pop with both of you employed (that is assuming you won't qualify for the 70% back thing)?

I hope this doesn't sound too intrusive but I think all of these issues affect your decisionmaking . . .

[MNmomtobe]

Would you feel comfortable giving us more info about your dh's field/position? My husband and I are in tenure-type job situations so we have not experienced unemployment - - but I know many friends who have in various fields such as computers, engineering, mid-level business.

Also, is it possible for your family to live off of just your salary?

Will you be able to afford the IVF treatments at 10-12k per pop with both of you employed (that is assuming you won't qualify for the 70% back thing)?

I hope this doesn't sound too intrusive but I think all of these issues affect your decisionmaking . . .

DH has worked in marketing the past 15 or so years. Seems that with many companies scaling back, this is an area that is first to get laid off.
I think things would be tight with just my salary but the only debt we have is our house. Our cars are paid off and we have zero credit card debt (recently paid off the cc we used to pay off the first IVF warranty program!)

My DH intends for us to have zero debt and was uncomfortable with having to charge on a cc the $22,000 or obtain a 2nd mortgage on the house to pay for the IVF. I think he has relented due to my desire to have DC#2.

With all our fertility issues, the chances I was given of conceiving with 1 cycle of IVF is at best 30% whereas, 3 years ago with DD, if was 50% (though we still opted to do the warranty back then).

Thanks for your reply. :)

[KBecks]

My husband went through 2 layoffs, although they were in 2000 and 2001. His first layoff it only took about a month before he had a new job, and the second one he was out of work for about 6 months. A friend's husband was laid off more recently and found a new job within about 3 months.

Every experience is different though. I'm not sure if I would sign a $22k contract, but it also depends on your whole financial picture and how well you can live on your own income w/o your husband's. (Also how stable your employment is.)

Best of luck!

[MNmomtobe]

I'm not in your position (job loss or wanting a second) so my thoughts are just from the perspective of outsider:

1) First, you need to confront your fears of DD growing up an only. What exactly is it that you are afraid of? Her being selfish, lonely? There are ways to address these concerns without having a second child. You need to figure out solutions you believe will address the issues for your own peace of mind. Examples could be fostering close relations with cousins or friends' children.
The reality is that even if you have DC2, there is no guarentee they will be close in childhood or as adults. I know many wonderful only kids and adults. The assumptions people make about them are not true all the time. Everyone, including onlies, is an individual shaped by many things in their life, not just their birth order.

2) It is not worth potentially jepordizing your family and DD's future opportunities/ education/ financial stability to obtain a second DC. This is my opinion. Others may disagree, but I believe your DD will feel best loved by a mom and dad whose emotional and financial resources are present to her now in this moment and in future moments, rather than investing emotional and financial resources in a future scenario that might be. DD is here now. That is a given. DC2 is not a given, even with IVF. Better to use your resources to give DD the best childhood you can now with what you have before you than to put her "on hold" until DC2 gets here and the family is "complete."

3) Try to start thinking about your family as complete the way it is. If you absolutely cannot see it that way, would you consider adoption? That would be something you could pursue when your financial resources are better and the cost does not change based on your birthday.

Just my thoughts. Hope it is helpful. Sending P&PT for your DH's job and answers to the DC2 question.


Thank you. Believe me, my head agrees with all you are saying but my heart hasn't been able to accept all the facts.
I have no fear with the DD becoming "selfish". I don't want her to be lonely. DH is concerned about becoming parents again due to our age though I think that is all the more reason to have another while we can.
He is right now dealing with the health issues of his own mother (cancer) and I can only imagine how stressed he would be if he didn't have his sister and brother to help out with his mother as well.
I work with a lady who is dealing with her mom's advanced Alzheimer's on her own as she is an only child. She has expressed how much she hated growing up without siblings. It is even more pronounced now that all of her mom's health issues have landed squarely on her shoulders.

I do cherish DD of course and want the best for her. I would be okay with putting off the venture for DC #2 until our situation were better but at my age, it truly is now or never.

[Octobermommy]

As someone who has had more infertility treatments and surgeries than I care to count I would have done anything to have a child ( and a second child). We were very blessed in that we could borrow the money from a family member for an IVF ( we sold a car to do another one), saved up for two others and ultimately borrowed money for an adoption. I would rather be paying the rest of my life for something that helped me get my kids.

How many rounds of IVF did it take to get your dd? How was the quality? How old is she? If you got pg from one cycle and it has not been too long since your last cycle you might get lucky again first time in which you would not need the 3cycle option.

Very hard decision, I am sorry you are in this position. I am sorry I don't know about your dh employment. I hope he finds a great job soon.

[sste]

It sounds like your finances are pretty solid and that time is of the essence - - you obviously can't wait until you have saved the 22k.

I can see not wanting to put it on a credit card - - a second mortgage sounds like a much better idea. Do you have a trusted mortgage broker or bank contact you can discuss the options with? I think your DH would feel better if you had a plan for a low-cost loan and some thoughts about ways to budget/save to pay it back.

I always find it hard to advise on money matters because it has such different meanings. I have known people who were put into near-bankruptcy by IVF. On the other hand, for many people, esp. dual earners, 22k is really not that much money (i.e., its less than a new car, less than an international adoption). Children are such an important thing. If you can manage to swing the 22k loan without having to worry about food, losing your house, running up cc bills to pay for necessities, etc. then I would personally go for it . . .

[ha98ed14]

It sounds like your finances are pretty solid and that time is of the essence - - you obviously can't wait until you have saved the 22k.

I can see not wanting to put it on a credit card - - a second mortgage sounds like a much better idea. Do you have a trusted mortgage broker or bank contact you can discuss the options with? I think your DH would feel better if you had a plan for a low-cost loan and some thoughts about ways to budget/save to pay it back.

I always find it hard to advise on money matters because it has such different meanings. I have known people who were put into near-bankruptcy by IVF. On the other hand, for many people, esp. dual earners, 22k is really not that much money (i.e., its less than a new car, less than an international adoption). Children are such an important thing. If you can manage to swing the 22k loan without having to worry about food, losing your house, running up cc bills to pay for necessities, etc. then I would personally go for it . . .

I read your replies and additional info. I agree with sste. Your finances are in really good shape compared to most people. If you can find a way to pay for it without putting it on a cc, then go for it. It sounds like you really cannot rest emotionally until you try. I wish you Godspeed.

Two other things to bear in mind: Stress affects one's ability to conceive, so maybe try to do some stress management now and when you go through IVF. Your H being out of work is a big stressor alone, plus the emotional stress of wanting a second DC. Second, you said your odds of conceiving with one round are 30%. So it is possible that you may exhaust your funds before you become pg. Before you start, think about how much you are willing to spend and how much you are willing to put your family and self through for another DC. Have a limit in mind so you know when to stop. If you go with the 3 trys for $22K with a rebate of 70%, are you going to be ok stopping there if it is not successful? I am not trying to dissuade you or say it will not be successful, I just think you need to prepare yourself so that the issue does not take over your family life and finances. Best wishes and some baby dust :)

[strollerqueen]

The truth is, most people think they don't have enough money or space, or the timing isn't right, etc., for #2, whether they are considering IVF or spontaneous pregnancy. If everyone waited until everything was perfect, there would be a lot more "only" children. So I say, go for it! It's pretty hard to regret the children you have, but easy to regret those you don't.

[hez]

The truth is, most people think they don't have enough money or space, or the timing isn't right, etc., for #2, whether they are considering IVF or spontaneous pregnancy. If everyone waited until everything was perfect, there would be a lot more "only" children. So I say, go for it! It's pretty hard to regret the children you have, but easy to regret those you don't.

:yeahthat: :hug: to the OP that you have to be in this place.

[MamaKath]

(((Hugs))) not sure what I would do in your situation, but *know* the painful desire of wanting more. Sending loads of babydust your way...

[DrSally]

That is a very hard position to be in. I'm sorry. Like pp's said, you are in a good position financially compared to many people. I guess if it were me, I would follow my heart. You will never regret having another child, and it does sound like time is of the essence. Maybe talk about putting a limit on how many tries you will go for. Also, I would NOT put it on my cc if you decide to go that route. Many dr's offices have payment plans. Can you talk to them about working something out? I would do a second mortgage way before doing a credit card. Let's say you do conceive and your husband gets a new job shortly, you will never regret those extra payments. If things don't work out, you will know you tried. I don't know, it's a really hard decision and I'm not trying to influence you either way, this is just what I would be thinking...

ETA: Also, have you thought about adoption. I know that's expensive too, but if adding to your family is the top priority, this may be something to think about (I'm sure you have).

[MNmomtobe]

As someone who has had more infertility treatments and surgeries than I care to count I would have done anything to have a child ( and a second child). We were very blessed in that we could borrow the money from a family member for an IVF ( we sold a car to do another one), saved up for two others and ultimately borrowed money for an adoption. I would rather be paying the rest of my life for something that helped me get my kids.

How many rounds of IVF did it take to get your dd? How was the quality? How old is she? If you got pg from one cycle and it has not been too long since your last cycle you might get lucky again first time in which you would not need the 3cycle option.

Very hard decision, I am sorry you are in this position. I am sorry I don't know about your dh employment. I hope he finds a great job soon.

Thank you so much for your reply. So nice to know someone who has btdt.
It took just one round of IVF to get DD. I had 12 embies, 2 were good quality but obviously only 1 took. The others didn't make it to freezing. This was in 2005. I am guessing that it would take more than 1 cycle this time around so I would really like to do the 3 cycle option if I can. I can relate to the surgery thing too. Just had another laparoscopy to get rid of all the endo and cysts in prep for IVF then blamo, DH lost his job 2 weeks later! Thanks for the kind words and encouragement! :)

[Momof3Labs]

MNmomtobe - I'm PM'ing you.

[MNmomtobe]

The truth is, most people think they don't have enough money or space, or the timing isn't right, etc., for #2, whether they are considering IVF or spontaneous pregnancy. If everyone waited until everything was perfect, there would be a lot more "only" children. So I say, go for it! It's pretty hard to regret the children you have, but easy to regret those you don't.


Okay, I cried after reading this! This is so very true and exactly how I feel. I think most people just make it work! Thanks to you and all you wonderful ladies for your kind words of encouragement. You are all just what I needed! :)

[SASM]

No advice...just (((hugs))).

[GlindaGoodWitch]

Be sure to ask your RE if there are any meds you can have that have been donated. I know they are just a small fraction of the total cost, but any little bit helps.

I was super lucky that both of my cycles worked, but the first one was so iffy that my RE prescribed a huge amount of stims, etc for me on number 2. Cycle # 2 was such a breeze that I only ended up using a tiny amount and had all of this unused (and thank you GOD) insurance paid for medication left over. I had also saved every drop of the meds from cycle #1.

SO - I was able to donate enough medication for a teacher couple to get through their entire cycle.

Good luck to you and big big hugs. It's one of the most stressful things to do even without financial woes.

[o_mom]

Depending on how you feel about it, as well, egg donation at the time of retrieval can offset some costs. Not every place does it, but basically you agree to split the eggs with another couple in return for them covering a portion of the costs. It's not for everyone, but something to consider.