SIL WWYD (long, but seriously wanting advice)

[ThreeofUs]

I want a nice, peaceful family with good relationships. But with SIL, I don't know how to get there from here.

This woman has had a problem with me from the get-go. I have no idea why, even sent her a letter asking if I had done something to offend her (no answer), but okay. So we're not best friends; I can live with that.

But I also feel like every time I am around her, she acts in such hugely rude and disrespectful ways that I find myself steaming. I also find myself avoiding all contact - even though I want my DH to develop a good relationship with this wench (oopsie, I guess I mean person).

Case in point:
Before New Years, we met 3 of DH's siblings and their families at a hotel near DH's parents. I was paranoid about germs for DS2, who had just turned 3 months, and let everyone know that they could touch G only if they washed their hands. Everyone was respectful of this - except SIL, who I'll call P.

Standing with A (another SIL) and P by the hotel pool, P reached out to touch DS2's hand.

I said, nicely, "I'm asking people not to touch the baby until they've washed their hands." She didn't answer and put her finger in DS2's hand. I step back a bit and say, a little more forcefully, "P. I said I'm asking people not to touch the baby until they've washed their hands. Please do NOT touch DS2."

She says, "Oh, I washed my hands before breakfast." (which was over an hour before) and proceeds to shake DS2's hand up and down.

I say, "Even your sister won't touch the baby, she knows just to touch the baby's sleeper." And I STILL don't get an appropriate response.

That's the type of person she is. It's all her way. She has no respect for anyone else's wishes, reasonable or not.

I obviously can't trust this woman; she has no respect for me or my wishes. On a more emotional level, I'm so PO'd that I find myself wanting to slap the $#*^ out of her.

Please help me find a way to develop ANY kind of relationship with her. I don't want to be a wedge between DH and his family, but I seriously do not want this woman in my home or near my kids again.

[Sillygirl]

Well, there's probably no way to change how she acts. You seem to have done things to try to mend the rift like sending a letter, which she hasn't responded to. So probably the only thing left is to try not to let her get under your skin. Set appropriate boundaries, like in your example, after your first request, you can just pick up the baby and say "Let's take a swim!" rather than keep pushing your point.

There's a saying you might hear on this board from time to time: "Have some bean dip?" Meaning when someone is being annoying you can change the conversation abruptly without being confrontational. She say "I would never buy a $200 stroller." You say "Oh. Would you like some bean dip?"

I don't think she's going to change but she shouldn't get you so stressed out that you avoid family gatherings.

[hillview]

I agree with PP. I think I'd go into a try to minimize 1:1 time with her and not try to get her to understand you -- sounds like that might not be possible. I'd not be very into the confrontation with her stuff and just avoid her and / or keep topics light (a la bean dip, the great weather, etc). SORRY!
/hillary

[MontrealMum]

Love the bean dip suggestion ;)

I don't know specifically what I'd do, but I suspect that since your direct (and much more mature) approach did not work, that you're going to have a hard time getting through to her. In that case I think I would just practice avoidance: avoid tons of 1 on 1 with her, and do the walking away or changing the subject suggested above.

My one and only SIL drives me bonkers too, though not in this specific way, and I empathize with you - I really wanted to foster close family relationships too for DH's sake, but I've pretty much given up. I have vascillated between anger, guilt and sadness.

Does this woman have any hobbies or interests in common with you? How old is she? I'm thinking this sounds like something people grow out of (teens/young 20s), but I assume she's close to your age, so it's probably her personality and you're stuck with it :(

Maybe you should say your DS has some highly contagious and unpleasant disease next time?

[MamaMolly]

This sounds a lot like my SIL. I have found that DH is pretty good at diffusing my anger over the situation by using humor to point out her bad behavior. For example, FIL wanted a wireless mouse for his computer and suggested that I call SIL to find out the right kind. After a week SIl responds with: Yes, his computer will work with a wireless mouse. No brand, no suggestions, nada. DH said that it is so that she can find out the one we buy, tell everyone why it is the wrong one, then go buy the right kind. Yup, it would be JUST like SIL to do this!!

I suggest the bean dip idea. By ignoring her provocations you will take away all her fun. When DD was nursing I'd take her to another room to 'nurse' and now I just try really really hard to keep my cool and ignore her. I hope it helps with you!

[Fairy]

Ivy, I think you're stuck wtih her, and I think she's never going to change. You've made some really proactive efforts to try to reach out to her, but she's obviously having none of it. You're left with either coming right out with it to her face and asking her why she behaves like this with you, or avoiding her as much as possible. I'm the type that would absolutely do the former, but it has to be the right place at the right time, and that might take quite a while. So, best to probably just avoid contact with her.

Have you reached out to any of your other S/BILs and asked them if they know of something that causes her to behave this way with you? If there's anything you've done -- or not done? Etc.? Might shed some light.

Sorry, Hon. We still have those same three homes for sale here. Ya know, if ya wanted . . .

[bubbaray]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I refuse to be in the same city as my SIL (I don't even refer to her as that -- I call her other names, if you get my drift). I don't like BIL either -- they are the perfect couple.

In fact, truth be known, it really burns me that they are breathing MY oxygen. Seriously, find another planet. Because this one is too small for the three of us.

So, I have nothing to do with them. I do not socialize with them at all. AT ALL. DH and BIL had a major falling out (nothing to do with me, this is a seriously messed up family) and didn't speak for 2+ yrs. However, for the sake of the children, DH gets all the cousins together. I never participate. Its getting awkward as DD#1 is starting to ask why. I'm using the "bean dip" approach with her. LOL.

Anyway, it *can* be done, but its awkward.

I wouldn't have any further discussions with her, BTW, nor would I try to change her. She's not gonna change. Oh, wait, I'm talking about *my* situation.

GL!

[gatorsmom]

It sounds like you have done the most mature and direct things possible to eliminate the tension and she just doesn't want to. Oh well. You've done everything you possibly can. Apparently SHE doesn't want to work things out.

So, imho, as the pps have said, the only thing to do is avoid her as much as possible. If you haven't already done this, I'd talk through your feelings in depth with DH and make sure he understands and is on the same page with you (so he doesn't do something like leave you alone with her or organize a girls night out with just you and her, etc.). It sounds like your DH has enough siblings with families that at family events you can just avoid her. It's sad but it appears to be her call.

The bean dip is really the best way to go. There is a group that my husband and I occasionally do things with. We like everyone in that group except for one woman who we cannot stand. I've posted about the Bully Wench here before if you ever get bored enough to search, but suffice it to say, I just try to avoid her whenever possible. She is always at this group's get togethers and when I'm there I make sure to walk away casually when she's coming near. Or I"ll excuse myself to use the restroom, get more dessert, refresh my drink, etc. Anyway, you get the picture. And very few people have any idea that I can't stand her.

Honestly, it's really not that hard to avoid someone and frankly, who needs that kind of negativity/tension/stress in their lives?

sorry to hear she's such a pain. Honestly, Ivy, it's NOT you. It couldn't possibly be. From all your posts you come across as a very, very nice person. Your SIL is definitely losing out. hugs.

[elektra]

From what you describe, I can't see any kind of relationship working out actually. Does she have kids? Maybe when she does you will then have that in common and she may become more understanding of respecting another mom's wishes and such. But if she already has kids or until she does, I agree that avoidance is the way to go. I never realized it but my FIL and DH's aunt (in-law) do not speak AT ALL. However, I never actually noticed it until DH mentioned it to me. His dad is a real piece of work and I guess FIL and said aunt really had it out once. But it has not negatively affected DH and his cousins one bit, if that is your concern if you choose this avoidance route. All the cousins are all very close and so I imagine both FIL and DH's aunt did not speak badly of each other in front of their kids.

[ThreeofUs]

I've pretty much given up. I have vascillated between anger, guilt and sadness.

Yeah. I'm there, too. Sometimes I'm so angry with her for doing this, other times I think how awful it must be to live in her head. *Something*'s wrong with her.


Does this woman have any hobbies or interests in common with you? How old is she? I'm thinking this sounds like something people grow out of (teens/young 20s), but I assume she's close to your age, so it's probably her personality and you're stuck with it :(

Maybe you should say your DS has some highly contagious and unpleasant disease next time?

Love the suggestion! She and I have nothing in common. She's in her 50's, has three grown kids, talks badly about her marriage (to a really great guy, but apparently she feels she should have stayed single for longer), and knows everything. Conversation with her is impossible; she gets upset if one wants to explore ideas, values, or ways of bringing up children with her.

*sigh* I really have tried. But I guess I'll just avoid her, and laugh at her when I can't. I really can't give her this power over me.

[ThreeofUs]

You're left with either coming right out with it to her face and asking her why she behaves like this with you, or avoiding her as much as possible. I'm the type that would absolutely do the former, but it has to be the right place at the right time, and that might take quite a while. So, best to probably just avoid contact with her.

See, I would, too. Normally speaking, I'm the type to seize a quiet moment and ask the hard question. I've even tried to visualize what I would say to her, and I'm so absolutely p*ssed that what comes to mind is "how can you possibly think such behavior is acceptable?" Kwim? I'm too angry at this point, I guess.


Have you reached out to any of your other S/BILs and asked them if they know of something that causes her to behave this way with you? If there's anything you've done -- or not done? Etc.? Might shed some light.

I think this is a good suggestion. Maybe if DH asks around, he can get some good input. Thank you.



Sorry, Hon. We still have those same three homes for sale here. Ya know, if ya wanted . . .

I'm telling you, if Chicago were hiring we'd be there!

[ThreeofUs]

In fact, truth be known, it really burns me that they are breathing MY oxygen. Seriously, find another planet. Because this one is too small for the three of us.

Oh, YES! Get off of my cloud, lady, before you get pushed is how I'm looking at it!

:ROTFLMAO:

I figure you're right about her not changing, and me not wasting my time. I just really feel bad about the awkwardness for DH....

[ThreeofUs]

Thanks, Lisa, for the support! I still feel like it takes two to have a bad relationship, and it really makes me feel small to be one of those two.

DH and I tried to talk about it tonight, and almost ended up having a fight! We had to both cool down before we could explore the issue. DH was like, "well, maybe she didn't know that germs can get on your hands in a hotel", and I almost took off *his* head. Sad but a bit funny at this point. But we talked more and are moving forward (I think) with him talking to siblings to find out what is going on.

Elektra, you make two very good points. I do want the cousins - even with their huge age gap - to get along well, and I would never want to talk about SIL's shortcomings in front of the kids. Thanks for reminding me of these.

Thanks to everyone for your responses. I really appreciate the help - and the sympathy and hugs make me feel a lot better!