Quick ? about birth fathers

[Melaine]

What rights do they have and is it a blanket law, varying from state to state or is it specific to the situation. For a couple who was never married. Curious about this for a friend. TIA!

[kijip]

It varies by state. For example, in some states a birth father need not be notified before an adoption unless he is a regular part of the mother's life. In other states, fathers have to sign off on adoptions or not be able to be found after a certain amount of time for an adoption to be valid. In some places there is a time limit after an adoption for the birth father to contest it, even if he did not know about the pregnancy. Your friend needs to contact a family law/adoption attorney in her state.

[Melaine]

Thanks Katie. Here is our question. This was a relationship lasting a few months, intercourse ONE time, then break up. Totally surprise pregnancy. My bff told THE GUY that he is the father, she will be keeping the baby. But she doesn't really want him to have anything much to do with her or the baby. They will NOT be getting back together. So....any advice on this situation? Thanks you guys are so fast!

[kijip]

Thanks Katie. Here is our question. This was a relationship lasting a few months, intercourse ONE time, then break up. Totally surprise pregnancy. My bff told THE GUY that he is the father, she will be keeping the baby. But she doesn't really want him to have anything much to do with her or the baby. They will NOT be getting back together. So....any advice on this situation? Thanks you guys are so fast!
AFAIK, he would have a valid claim to seek custody/visitation in court, even if he waited a few years. She could fight this really only if she could show he was a danger (ie he is a drug dealer or has a history of domestic violence). However making such a claim usually would mandate child support arrangements so unless he is a responsible sort that wants to see and support his child, then he likely would never persue it. If she wants to eliminate this possibility (and allow for a future partner to adopt the child) she should seek out the dad and see if he will sign away both his rights and his obligations.

That said, the child will want to know who it's father is at some point. Unless the father is a risk to the mother or the baby, I would be reluctant to eliminate any possible relationship. Also if your friend requires any sort of public assistance beyond WIC, most states will want to go after the father for child support. She also may find that child support payments will be needed.

[Melaine]

Thanks, for the info. She's just looking at the options now and trying to figure out what would be best. Both of us didn't really have a clue about what the legal issues would be...

[dcmom2b3]

Agree with Katie, your friend needs to consult with a lawyer in her state to come up the best plan of action.

But, if she wants to give the bio father an uphill battle in establishing whatever rights he may want to assert, she probably should not name him on the birth certificate.

[Melaine]

she probably should not name him on the birth certificate.
Thanks, see that is exactly the kind of stuff that I want to know for her. That helps. I just don't want her to give him the impression that he will be in the role of "father" other than biologically, ykwim?

[schums]

Not sure what state you're in, but when we lived in Indiana (about 5 years ago now), non-married couples couldn't put the father's name on the birth cert unless he (they?) filled out a statement of paternity or some such form. Not sure what exactly it involved, but it would be another road block to put in his way.

FWIW, I hope she has good reasons for NOT wanting him involved in her DC's life.

[lizajane]

another consideration- she may find true love in a few years and want to get married. this future spouse may want to legally adopt the child.

in my state, a friend had to find THREE potential fathers before she and her husband could adopt a child (whose mother was in prison.) the grandmother, who was caring for the baby, convinced the bio mother that it was best for the child to sign away her rights (it was) but legally, the adoptive parents had to notify EVERY POTENTIAL father before they could adopt their new adopted DD. they had one name on the birth certificate, one 99% sure bio father and one legal husband at the time of the birth. they had to use newspaper ads for a certain amount of time where the fathers were presumed to live, if they didn't know the home address. and they spent a LOT of time with lawyers and spent $$.

SO, my point is that she may want to discuss this idea with the bio father. if he wants to sign away his rights, it may be best to do that now. OR find some way to be sure she can always contact him should an adoptive father come into the picture later.

(FYI: my friends were able to complete the legal process and just before their DD's second birthday, 1 1/2 years after she came into their home, the adoption was finalized. they have two bio kids and their gorgeous forever third. and something neat- my friend speaks fluent spanish so she is able to raise her child of 50% spanish speaking decent bilingual.)

[R2sweetboys]

FWIW, I hope she has good reasons for NOT wanting him involved in her DC's life. :yeahthat:
Is there a safety reason that your friend doesn't want this man to be a part of their child's life? If not, I would not support her attempts at alienating him unless he wants to sign away his rights. It's simply not fair to him. They made the decision jointly to have intercourse, which almost always has the risk of conception. I'm getting the impression that this woman does not want the father to be involved because it is inconvenient. She likely doesn't want to be tied to him forever since she doesn't like him,know him well,etc.(this is a common scenario) Now why wouldn't he be in the role of "father" unless he chose not to be involved? He is the father.

[bubbaray]

she probably should not name him on the birth certificate.

:yeahthat:

She should also stop telling anyone (including him) who the father is. Father, what father??

[kijip]

Unless there is a reason for this man not to be involved in her baby's life, it is in the best interest of the child for the child to be able to have a relationship with the father. Now, I get that he may be a deadbeat but that is not a role that should be pushed onto him. Further, your friend and more importantly the baby is entitled to financial support from the biological father. I see a lot of mothers walk away from that possibility while pregnant only to realize post baby how much they need the support. If the guy is a danger, ignore my words entirely. If the guy is just someone she does not like but who may very well be an ok dad, it is in her child's best interest in include him in her parenting plans. Sure it might not be fun to co-parent with someone you don't know or like well or ever plan on being together with, but it's what's best for the child.

[Melaine]

:yeahthat:

She should also stop telling anyone (including him) who the father is. Father, what father??

Personally, I totally agree with this plan. I'm just giving her options, slightly skewed to my perspective....ha ha

[kransden]

I had a friend that had a surprise pregnancy. She didn't tell anyone who the father was. He signed away his parental rights after dd was born. No child support etc. It really worked out for the best for everyone. It wasn't an abusive relationship or anything. Would this be the best solution for everyone, no, but it was the right thing to do in this situation.

[Melaine]

From what she has told me, he is very controlling and seems to have the indicators of an abuser. I am really concerned about any connection he might have with the child. She doesn't need his financial help and I just think the child would be better off without him, from what I have heard of him. I mean, she broke up with him, because he wasn't a good boyfriend, not because he wasn't right for her, ykwim?

[JBaxter]

She needs to speak with a lawyer. The father has rights. He COULD serve her with custody papers as soon as the baby is born IF he wants to. Putting his name on the birth cerficate means little. There will be a day when the child wants to know who its father is.

[Melaine]

Thanks for the info, everyone. I will tell her to talk to a lawyer, definitely but this is still very early in the pregnancy and I just wanted to make sure she was thinking these issues through ahead of time. I am doing my best to be helpful, and as my DH reminded me, "a friend, not her mother".

[Sugar Magnolia]

In some states, even if his name is on the birth certificate he has no rights until he goes to court to get them.

I would not name the father and take the approach of "what father" as well.

[dcmom2b3]

From what she has told me, he is very controlling and seems to have the indicators of an abuser. I am really concerned about any connection he might have with the child. She doesn't need his financial help and I just think the child would be better off without him, from what I have heard of him. I mean, she broke up with him, because he wasn't a good boyfriend, not because he wasn't right for her, ykwim?

Well, if she shares your concerns, hopefully she'll be able to get some legal advice that will help her with strategies to minimize the chance he'll want to be involved. A girlfriend of mine was sucessful in doing this under similar circumstances -- she basically bluffed her child's father with the prospect of child support. He wasn't so keen on seeing a huge chunk of his paycheck go "poof," so he went "poof" and hasn't been heard from again. But each case is different, depends on his personality, applicable law, etc.

Nothing will change the biological fact of who baby's dad is. Only thing your friend can do is give him every disincentive to assert the rights he will have as a bio dad, up to and including voluntarily relinquishing them.

Anyhow (and the reason that I came back to the thread) -- not to be morbid, but she needs to revise/draft her will to reflect her custodial preferences should something happen to her, heaven forbid. Yet another reason for her to consult a lawyer.