Q About Your Husband's Work

[Raidra]

If your husband has to work late/weekends more than usual, do you get upset or are you understanding and/or sympathetic?

Just curious. :)

[KrisM]

Well, it doesn't happen often here. I would say I'm not upset, but I'm not happy about it.

[ThreeofUs]

DH's our primary bread-winner right now, so I'm very understanding. He's put off career while we have babies, so soon it'll be time for him to work more. I'm going to miss him!

[kijip]

Weekends and late shifts mean more money here (hospital pharmacy with shift differentials) so it actually is somewhat helpful. Unless he is doing someone a favor and covering a shift, we always know in advance which nights and weekends he will be working and usually the last minute ones come with a needed/wanted shift trade that frees up a day we did not want him working. Because it is scheduled, it is not really an issue for us at all.

I am a workaholic and tend to let work drift into my evenings and weekends which can be an issue because it is not planned and usually has little benefit to us. I have become better about taking comp time for the evenings and weekends it makes sense for me to work.

[niccig]

I knew before I married DH that his work could finish anywhere between 7pm and 2am, and that I wouldn't know what time he was coming home until 5pm or 6pm each evening. It's the nature of his job. We often have long runs where he's home at 7pm, then he'll get a project with LOTS of overtime and it'll be midnight for several weeks and weekends as well. Because of the unpredictability of the finish time, DH goes in late in the mornings, he leaves at 9 or 9.30am and he spends the mornings with DS and I get to sleep in until 8am. We've adjusted our lives to his schedule.

It helps that several other families we know have the same issues, and we help each other out. I wanted to do a night class and was looking for a babysitter, and a friend took DS and in return I helped her during the week when her DH was working odd hours. We often have dinner play dates. Before DS went to preschool, I had a regular babysitter one day a week and DS and I were regulars at the YMCA for babysitting.

I don't get angry about the overtime, I wish he didn't have to do it, but I knew going in that this would be how it was.

[ellies mom]

I am usually annoyed with the situation, but I do feel bad for him. My husband works 12 hour shifts so when his boss tacks on 1-2 shifts a week or asks hims to cover part of the night shift in addition to working his own shift, it is exhausting. I don't really blame him because I know, if he had a choice, he'd be home.

[JBaxter]

Im understanding. DH works like he does so I can stay home. He has to travel from time to time ( week or so at a time) and work late to finish projects its STILL better than me having to put 2kids and daycare and keep a watch on 2 teens after school.

[pb&j]

If your husband has to work late/weekends more than usual, do you get upset or are you understanding and/or sympathetic?

Just curious. :)

I don't get upset. It is the nature of DH's work that there are a lot of evenings and weekends involved, and that it can be seasonal in nature (light workload in Feb/March, crazy busy in June). It balances out, though, because he is often around in the daytime.

[amandabea]

We don't have this issue at all w/ my DH's schedule. He is self employed and has a fairly set schedule M-W-F. He typically doesn't work T-Th or weekends and if/when he does it is only an hour or two including any commute. He does not work evenings/nights.

However, HE has issues w/ my work schedule. I typically work 10-12 hour days if you include the evenings after DD goes to bed, but I compensate by trying to work from home at least 2 days/week. The days that I go into the office I leave home at 5:15 a.m. and I try (really hard) to be home btn 4:30 and 5:00 p.m. to p/u DD from daycare, but there is at least one day/week that I don't get home until 7:00 p.m. It's not ideal and makes it really hard to have home-cooked meals (DH only cooks a few things - think eggs and sandwiches). I really need to work on being more structured/organized w/ my home life -- i.e., cooking on Sundays, doing a meal plan, -- but I'm lazy.

[BeachBum]

I'm understanding. While my husband likes his job (and I'm glad), I know he would be here with us if he could. Knowing that makes it a lot easier to deal when he gets stuck at work. I never feel like he is deserting me, or puttering around at work to avoid being home (like many hubbies I know).

What does make me annoyed, is when he needs to work late and doesn't call. There aren't a lot of excuses for that that I am understanding about. We always try to be home when Daddy gets home (so no late shopping trips, or bike rides etc) and I feel so mad when I cut short what we were doing to get home for him and he "forgot" to call.

[fivi2]

I try to be understanding since his work is what allows me to stay at home. But I will admit to being annoyed if, after several late nights at the office, he then chooses to go to his weekly poker game or golf on the weekend. I feel like if I have been alone all week, he should give up some of his fun stuff to stay at home - which I know isn't fair because he wants to relax after an especially long work week.

[elektra]

I am understanding for the most part but I do get upset at times too because I also work full time, yet I must be done every day at 5pm sharp to take care of DD. I also take her to all her appts.

[Mommy Of A Little Angel]

DH works long hours about 2-3 month out of the year. It is tough and I don't particularly love it, but it is a part of a job. I know he loves his job so it just comes with the territory. We know when it will start and never believe the end date (which is good because they always go about 6 weeks over!) I know he is as burnt out by the end as I am. I also know that if it came down to it, he would put his family before his job any day. I guess just knowing that makes me feel better about the whole thing.

Of course it is annoying and I loathe those times, but we get through it because we both have realistic expectations which helps a lot. Of course, knowing that it is only part of the year helps me a lot. If it were all the time, I am not sure I would be so cool with it.

[jgenie]

DH works later than I would like and travels quite a bit. Before we had DS - I didn't like it and was very vocal about it. Now that we have DS I know his job gives me the opportunity to stay home. I wish he didn't have to, but I don't complain about it anymore. He tries really hard to come home earlier so he can see DS before bedtime - even if it means he has to work at home after DS goes to bed.

[hollybloom24]

My husband works late several times a week (8 pm or after) and 1-2 overnights a month. He travels for meetings three or four times a year, for four - seven days at a time.

It goes with the job, so I am sympathetic! It isn't like he's out partying, even when he travels!

[WatchingThemGrow]

My heart goes out to all of you who can deal with it. Because ours DC are so close and it seems like I'm always pg or nursing, DH has always been great to finish up and get home. BUT...he is a volunteer in another organization that might as well be a part time evenings/weekends job. I know it is good as I'm the one who suggested he get involved, but I do feel like it is harder on me b/c he's gone until 9:30 one night a week, gone very early one morning, and he's tied up with other preparations for it many hours.

I try not to be resentful, but he also tries to make up for it when he gets home/done. I park on the couch (and on the BBB) when he's doing his make-up work for us.

[bluestarfish18]

Since DH is in the military, I've learned to deal with it. But that's not to say I don't sometimes get upset about his crazy hours and often lack of being at home to help. It's frustrating being a "single parent" when this isn't what I initially signed up for.

[hez]

Usually understanding, but if it carries on too long I get touchy about it. His workload ebbs & flows. It normally only means extra work during the work week-- weekends are usually fine unless he's traveling & has to stay for a couple weeks in a row.

That said, I used to be guilty of staying too long, and it was the same for him. I could work late for a few nights, but he started getting ticked if it dragged on for more than a week. We're blessed that quite a bit of our jobs can be done on a laptop from home, so sometimes we would/will choose to come home on time and work more after dinner.

We're both salaried, so working extra hours means nothing in the way of immediate pay, but future raises are based on how well you're rated.

[s7714]

I knew long before getting married or having kids, what kind of schedule my DH's profession can have, so I expect it and accept it. That doesn't mean I'm not pulling my hair out by the time he gets done and it back to normal hours though!

[sste]

60 hours per week min., 1 full weekend per month min, and 3-4 conference/work trips per year. Plus, working on projects from home at least 1 or 2 nights per week (that is on top of the 60 hours). No, I am not sympathetic, understanding, or any other remotely nice emotion . . .

If we had not hired our wonderful new nanny, there is no way I could have continued this lifestyle, esp. since I work full-time outside of the home.

[lizajane]

seems like i am one of very, very few who get upset!!!

but,

1) i didn't sign up for long hours. he did NOT keep these hours when we were first married or when schuyler was born.

2) he has made comments about how stressful it is to be at home and that sometimes he isn't excited about coming home. he doesn't "really" mean it... but what an ugly thing to say. it still hurts me.

3) he doesn't rush home to family time when he does work late. he says he is DONE for the day/week and leaves all daily chores to me. he will clean a lot on a weekend now and then. but he doesn't have a daily chore that he does consistantly. so if the kids have a bad day, or i didn't get enough sleep and am exhausted, or if i am sick, the dishes just pile up, the dog hair piles up, the toys stay scattered all over the house.

4) until last jan 1, he was (IMHO) underpaid. extra work did not mean extra money and i felt like he wasn't getting what he deserved for the intense work he did. BUT that said, i am very pleased with how things worked out at the end of 2007 and he is now taken care of.

now that i have whined and moaned and groaned... i should say that we have some amazing blessings with DH's job. 1) the company is doing very well in this slow economy and we were rewarded with a bonus last week. what an amazing gift. i am beyond thankful. 2) he works for a very family friendly, warm hearted company. if i am sick and just can't take care of kids, he just stays home. if the kids have a school performance or an important doctor visit, he just leaves the office and comes. if he has a fun work trip, like to FL, i am invited to come along (just pay my own airfare.) his boss will even treat me to the nice dinners out.

and, i love him. :):heartbeat:

[maestramommy]

Dh's current job is still new, and it hasn't happened yet. With the old job it happened only once a year, MAYBE twice. I always knew it well in advance, so we could plan accordingly. Plus Dh's schedule was always flexible, so he'd come home at the regular time, help me put the kid(s) to bed, then go back after dinner and work late. On weekends he'd put in a regular workday, so that was easy to plan around, it just meant I didn't get extra hands or downtime. I was pretty understanding about it because as I said, it hardly happened.

[almostmom]

I used to get super annoyed. I didn't sign on for it, DH doesn't make a lot of money (works for the feds), but his job sort of changed where he was working a lot of weekends, and in the summer when we like to go away a lot. I felt like I was taking on a lot of the burdens, and resented it.
Now that the kids are a bit older and much easier to deal with, I feel much more relaxed about him not always being home. Also, we talked about it a lot, and I told him that I thought he could alter his workplan so that it wasn't one weekend day a month from May - October. He didn't want to - he liked the weekend work, and it did have core value to his work, but he changed it last year.
I was also annoyed that even though he got comp time for this extra work, he rarely took it so we could have more family time.

I don't remember the age of the original poster's kids, but for me, that has made a huge difference. I used to get annoyed when DH would go out with his friends regularly too. Now, with it being easier to put the kids to sleep, I see it as a chance to catch up on my tv shows...

[MarisaSF]

Honestly, I'm pretty bratty about not wanting him to work a lot. I'll own that. ;) It's not wrong that I want him home with us, right? LOL. Actual work hours are pretty much set, but they are irregular -- occasional late, overnight, and weekend shifts, but then he gets random weekdays off and lots of vacation time. Only the "extras" annoy me -- meetings during dinner time and through kids' bedtime especially!:32:

[specialp]

Always understanding, but we work in the same profession, so it is much easier for me to understand that it's the nature of it.

[dotgirl]

In general, I'm pretty understanding. He's a Sr. Manager of several large data centres across the country, so if something goes wrong, he has to deal with it. So for unexpected things, emergencies, etc, I'm fine.

I do sometimes get annoyed when he calls 5pm to say "Oh, there's a dinner meeting with [some vendor] and I forgot to tell you - can you come get the car?" Since we carpool to work together, and DS's preschool is in my building, "get the car" means I have to go get DS, take the bus down to DH's office, and then find him to get the pass to get out of his garage. And that's a total pain, so I sometimes get snarky about that.

[MontrealMum]

I could have written Liza's post almost word for word. I am not very understanding about DH working late, on weekends, or accepting work calls at home or worse - on vacation. Because it's not *supposed* to be part of his job. It happens because he is a pushover and doesn't stand up for himself - except with me, lucky me. It was actually much worse before DS was born, with his boss roping him into doing all sort of things for no pay or overtime while none of the other guys got asked - because they would have said no. Then other people ended up with parking passes or other "bonus" situations while DH got nothing. I was NOT PLEASED.

He puts his foot down more and more about saying no, or making sure he's compensated, so I'm a bit happier. But I'll be REALLY happy if we move (like planned) this summer and he gets a new job where things are more regulated and organized. I think DH's office is run by monkeys! (that's only sort of a joke).

[strollerqueen]

I understand, but...lately his jobs are out of town, so he is gone Monday through Friday. So I am a single mom during the week, and it's a little tough. But, he has to go where the work is. And in this economy, I am just thankful he has some jobs!

[Gena]

I'm understanding. DH is in an industry that has busy times of the year and slow times of the year. So there are times when he works a lot of evenings and weekends, but we usually know when that time is coming.

DH recently became a volunteer firefighter in our community. So he is on call evenings, weekend, and holidays. The pager goes off and he has to run to the station. He also has training a couple of nights a week. It's not always convenient, but it's something he's always wanted to do and I'm really proud of him for doing this service for our community, so we adapt.

[3blackcats]

I am totally sympathetic if DH has to work late. He doesn't want to be there, so why would I make it worse? I try to pick up the slack for him when he does have to work extra hours. He is the financial support of the family and works extremely hard to bring home the paycheque. I'm still working, but with his job I will be able to stay home.

[carolinamama]

I get upset sometimes. DH is a workaholic and has been since I met him in college. He enjoys what he does and supports us well since my profession doesn't pay nearly as well. I appreciate what he does, but we would like to see him at home a bit more. He leaves in the mornings by 5:00 and gets home anytime between 6-7:30. It would probably be easier on me if I didn't work, but I do and usually do it on the weekends for childcare reasons. I feel like I never get a break. Next year ds2 will go to daycare and I will work during the week and won't mind it as much, I think.

Since the economy is what it is, I have gotten more understanding though and I will be SO happy if he keeps his job (he's in commercial construction).

[ahrimie]

I get upset sometimes. DH is a workaholic and has been since I met him in college. He enjoys what he does and supports us well since my profession doesn't pay nearly as well. I appreciate what he does, but we would like to see him at home a bit more. He leaves in the mornings by 5:00 and gets home anytime between 6-7:30. It would probably be easier on me if I didn't work, but I do and usually do it on the weekends for childcare reasons. I feel like I never get a break. Next year ds2 will go to daycare and I will work during the week and won't mind it as much, I think.

Since the economy is what it is, I have gotten more understanding though and I will be SO happy if he keeps his job (he's in commercial construction).



This sounds like me: DH leaves the house before 5:30am (for 1.5 hr commute, one way) and comes home usually around 7pm. He is a natural workaholic, as am I. But after living a fast paced working lifestyle that paid great money, I quickly realized I was never happy--even with those big paychecks. I get angry at my DH partially because I feel like he works for the money. He took a huge paycut--literally 50%--to start up a new company with an investor, who does not pay him NEARLY what he's worth to him, and my DH puts so much effort and work into it. He's come home before 5pm plenty of times so it makes me upset when he "CHOOSES" to stay later. He says "things come up" but after working my previous workplace, I know you can always take care of things the next day. I end up resentful because I feel like he chooses work over family. He doesn't help with chores on the weekday. It's as if he forgot how to pick up after himself right after we got married.

And now that we have a baby and I don't work, it's really all an adjustment for ME and I think I kind of resent him because it's not an adjustment for him. I am not a natural housewife/SAHM. In fact, I thought I'd make enough money to hire a nanny/maid/cook (ridiculous, I know). It just feels like my DH and I used to chase money and work our a$$es off before the baby.. and now, I just don't see merit in living life that way. And I don't think my DH quite gets that. He'll say he agrees but his actions tell otherwise.

It's all just very frustrating to me. If we have a long night (aka, no sleep for ME) or we end up going out for a bit, things just don't get done around the house and my DH doesn't help. Then, he starts commenting on how dirty the house is yet he doesn't help solve the problem until MUCH MUCH later.. after I've made it quite known I am not superwoman.

sigh* sorry for the rant...
Especially with the holidays, it's been hard...

[pinkmomagain]

Well, my dh is out of work right now. But in the past he has worked very long hours. In the beginning, when our kids were very young, it took awhile for me to get accustomed to our roles and the fact the he worked so much. But I became very used to it and very understanding. He provides a wonderful life for us, including the fact that I can stay home with the kids. He doesn't hang out with "the guys" always makes the weekends family time (OK sometimes he is on his laptop). I can't complain. I am very lucky.

[gatorsmom]

I get upset sometimes. DH is a workaholic and has been since I met him in college. He enjoys what he does and supports us well since my profession doesn't pay nearly as well. I appreciate what he does, but we would like to see him at home a bit more. He leaves in the mornings by 5:00 and gets home anytime between 6-7:30. It would probably be easier on me if I didn't work, but I do and usually do it on the weekends for childcare reasons. I feel like I never get a break. Next year ds2 will go to daycare and I will work during the week and won't mind it as much, I think.

Since the economy is what it is, I have gotten more understanding though and I will be SO happy if he keeps his job (he's in commercial construction).


This is exactly my situation. DH is a workaholic like his father, father's father, etc. He is self-employed and has many irons in the fire which is the problem. If I didn't rein him in he would have many other irons in the fire. I know I"m fortunate because he rarely goes into a project unless he's fairly certain it will do well, but he works a lot and would work more if not for me. I"ve been pretty adement (Sp) about him coming home for dinner at 5:30pm but then he comes home, eats and gets on his laptop. So what is the point of coming home if he's going to park on the sofa with his laptop and ignore us? I try not to whine too much. His work allows me to stay at home so I try to remember that. But it would be nice if he slowed down a bit. Or maybe went to work really early in the morning?? sigh.

[hillview]

It depends
If DH calls by say 4 and says he will be home late or I already know I am usually okay. If he doesn't call or calls at 5:30 -- horrid time at home -- I am not okay. He also travels a ton and similar if I can plan for it in advance I seem to handle it okay but if it is tonight him telling me he is going to San Fran tomorrow for 3 days -- not so great.
/hillary

[o_mom]

I'm mostly OK with it. What bugs me are the times when I specifically need him to leave on time and he doesn't. It isn't often, maybe every other month that we have a commitment, are leaving on vacation or I schedule an appointment and must leave at a certain time. Invariably I call him 10 min after his official end time and he is still in the office. Really. Just leave.

[maydaymommy]

Yes, he works a LOT. It is easier now that ds isn't a baby anymore. I would say the downside of him working so much is mainly loneliness, but that's the same as before we had ds.

I have to give dh credit for trying to come home for a bit before ds goes to bed. When he has a lot of deadlines or is in the midst of a big transaction, he could easily work 70 - 80 hr weeks. Lately when this has happened he will come home from about 6 - 8pm and then go back to work, until 1 or 2 am or however long he time. I am sympathetic when he does that and it's really nice that he comes home for a while.

[MamaKath]

DH works 3-11 shift right now. I don't like it, but can't do much about it. It wasn't as bad when I wasn't working because we still had a good bit of family time in the AM. Now not so much. I hate when he works weekends because we don't see him all week, and all week I am the only parent to the kids, so weekends mean no break for me at all. However weekends also mean good differentials, sometimes even overtime.

[kcandz]

seems like i am one of very, very few who get upset!!!

but,

1) i didn't sign up for long hours. he did NOT keep these hours when we were first married or when schuyler was born.

2) he has made comments about how stressful it is to be at home and that sometimes he isn't excited about coming home. he doesn't "really" mean it... but what an ugly thing to say. it still hurts me.

3) he doesn't rush home to family time when he does work late. he says he is DONE for the day/week and leaves all daily chores to me. he will clean a lot on a weekend now and then. but he doesn't have a daily chore that he does consistantly. so if the kids have a bad day, or i didn't get enough sleep and am exhausted, or if i am sick, the dishes just pile up, the dog hair piles up, the toys stay scattered all over the house.

If this was the example of the situation for me I would be upset too. The decision to create a family is made jointly and the sacrifices for the amazing blessing that are children are on both sides. When men think because they are bringing home the money, so they are exempt from contributing to family responsibilities, my blood boils on behalf of the SAHM who are working relentlessly without a break. Breaks are key, and they are not 20 minutes at the computer. They are periods where you don't have to worry about the kids, the family, the house, just be free of the constant responsibilities and know that when that break is done, there is not twice as much work sitting around waiting.

I WOH and I love my job, and it IS an escape from the challenges of home and parenting. The wives of some of my male colleagues are SAHM, and I know some of the guys are "hiding" at work to not have to deal with the stress of home life. I have been guilty of it myself during some stressful periods with DC. The problem is once you give in to that temptation once or twice, it can quickly become a pattern, speaking for myself.

Luckily DH and I are in a similar field so we can trade off busy time or long hours and we understand the other's need to do so, even the need for the other to "hide" as long as it doesn't become a habit. Luckily so far the other partner has not been busy during those times and can pick up the slack. However on those occasions where we both have work pressures, things can get ugly for the marriage.

[dhano923]

My DH works around the clock. He works for a large international company and his clients are all over the world. He does work from home, which is nice but he also has to get on conference calls at odd hours because of the time difference between us and whoever he needs to deal with. It's defnitely annoying, but because he is a WAHD, it's also easier because he can do family/home stuff in between calls and emails.

[nfowife]

My DH is a military pilot and he has long and random work hours and assignments. Fortunately we have an assignment right now (not flying) where he has more regular hours but he is still gone before the kids get up and home just before bedtime most days. BUT he has the weekends off and we can take leave to travel and stuff. When he's flying, he is gone for weeks at a time and when he's home he still has to work a desk job and take phone calls all.the.time. It's annoying, but I know he would rather be at home with us so I try not to get too annoyed. I knew what I was signing up for (mostly....) when we got married. And it is almost never DH's fault when plans change, but that doesn't mean I can't get annoyed and mad AT THE SITUATION, but not at my DH, kwim? That's what is hard for DH to understand, that I am not mad at him, but at the situation, and I don't expect him to fix it but just sympathize with me that it sucks.

[hellokitty]

I try not to get upset. It's not his fault. My DH takes a lot of call, so he gets called in sometimes during strange hrs int he middle of the night or on wknds/holidays. It's just part of his job description. I actually feel bad for him a lot of the time, esp when he gets called in right before bed or something, b/c it means he will stay up all night at the hospital and then still have to work a regular day of work w/o any sleep.

[mamicka]

I'm sympathetic. He has really great hours in general & isn't a natural workaholic, so I don't resent it.

[bethie_73]

Well DH does travel and can work long hours. But he will tell me if he is going to be late, and also gives me the itinerary for trips so I know how long he is gone. There are def. time he works longer hours etc. but he is a good father and does choose us over other stuff. So I don't get mad. I also put him through Grad school so he could do what he wanted to do, and he loves his job, so that makes me happy.

[Raidra]

Wow, what a great response! Thanks for all the replies, everyone. To those of you who are understanding, thanks for inspiring me to be more so.. and for those of you who are not, thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. ;)


It's annoying, but I know he would rather be at home with us so I try not to get too annoyed. I knew what I was signing up for (mostly....) when we got married. And it is almost never DH's fault when plans change, but that doesn't mean I can't get annoyed and mad AT THE SITUATION, but not at my DH, kwim? That's what is hard for DH to understand, that I am not mad at him, but at the situation, and I don't expect him to fix it but just sympathize with me that it sucks.

This is it for me. My husband never chooses to stay late or work weekends, it's that he's forced to. I get mad, not at him, but at his company/boss or the situation in general. I know that he'd choose to be home in any given situation.

My kids are 5, 3, and 7 months. It was a lot easier before the baby came. But now I have an infant, as well as two rowdy boys. We homeschool, so while we do a lot of socializing and classes, I'm still always there with them. I know things will get a lot easier when the baby is a bit older, but we'd also like her to have a sibling as close in age as my two boys (21 months apart), which means.. ugh. I can barely think about it.

The other thing is that he's just so unsupported at work. The company has been failing for years, but for various reasons, he really doesn't want to leave. He's pretty much the only IT guy there, as well as doing lots of development work. They approve his vacations and then something will come up and he'll have to go into work.. it drives me crazy.

But, anyway.. thanks for all the responses! It's great to have a reminder that things will get easier when the baby's older, and that I should try to be more sympathetic to him.