Spin off on the parenting resources thread-how do you use ideas from GCM?

[purpleeyes]

I just read over some of the stuff from the Gentle Christian Mothers forum, but I'd like to hear how the BBB'ers are using some of their ideas-like the comfort corner, no time outs, etc.
I'm having HUGE probs. with DS (4 years old) and looking for some new ideas. I want to start a new behavior mod system with both positive and negative consequences, but now I'm not so sure...
Any suggestions or ideas are appreciated!!

TIA!

[brittone2]

I think for me the biggest thing is the shift in the dynamic. You can be authoritative without being authoritarian. Being gentle does not equal permissive (there is a difference). The true definition of "discipline" is "to teach". My child and I are on the same team...this doesn't mean we are friends or that I don't do things my child doesn't like, but it does mean that we are working toward our ultimate family goals as a team. I don't believe that I have to inflict pain or punishment to teach my child how to behave. (so I don't believe that I personally need to use isolating time outs with my child, to spank, to belittle, etc.). This is what I strive for (and often fall short of!). There are times I send up sending DS to his room because I'm about to blow up and it is better for us to be separated. HOwever, this isn't what I'm aiming for, kwim?

Some of the best tips I've gotten from the GCM site:
Comfort corner (you can accomplish much of what a time out accomplishes without forcing isolation. Some kids calm down better with someone with them, and that's okay. As long as you aren't giving in to the original cause of the meltdown, you aren't being permissive, IMO).

"happy isn't the only acceptable emotion". Kids have tantrums, they flip out, etc. It doesn't mean I give in, but I'm not going to stop them from crying, etc. I will sometimes explain that I can't talk to them until they calm down to hear me. I think we have a lot of adults around who were raised with the whole "happy is the only acceptable emotion" mindset who now can't deal with their feelings. I want my son to know that it is okay to cry. To be disappointed. To be upset. It doesn't mean I can or will fix those things for him. But he can feel, kwim?

Don't ride the wave. DH and I try to remind each other of this often. Just because my kid is having a bad day doesn't mean I have to. They have their ups and downs. It only makes it worse when I ride that wave of emotion with them, kwim? It really helps me to remind myself that it is a choice to *not* ride the wave of upset and big feelings with them.

The 5 steps. For the youngest kids, basically it translates to say it and make it happen. If you throw, you pick it up, with or without my help. IF you hit someone with a toy, the toy goes away. I will physically stop you from hurting the animals, your sibling, etc. If you make a mess, you help to clean it up, with or without my help. My "help" isn't meant to be mean or punitive, but I will physically (hand over hand) help my kid complete the task if needed. I've almost never had to bear hug my DS...he's just not that type of personality. Other stuff works better with him.

Pick your battles.

Playful parenting. It works. Really well for lots of things. Name calling, "bad" words, etc. (DS would say a bad word, learned from mommy <bag over head>). Rather than punish, it worked amazingly well to say "well, you can say *that* all you want. But don't say Ficklefeathers!" To which of course, the kid responds with Ficklefeathers. And then we all laugh. And we come up with anotehr silly word to "not say". And soon the not so great word is forgotten because the other words get more attention ;)

Transitions. Very helpful with two year olds. Warnings, etc.

Know what is age appropriate. It doesn't always mean acceptable, but it helps to know that your child is not a three headed monster and is going through a phase very typical of that age. We work toward maturing and getting through those age appropriate behaviors.

Off the top of my head, these are the tips from GCM that I use the most. Or try to. I don't succeed every single day. I melt down sometimes too. FOr my family, the GCM tips have been so helpful. I'm far from a perfect parent, but I'd be a way less effective parent without the tips from GCM.

eta: Love Languages. Basically using the currency for love that means the most to your child to fill them up. If a child isn't feeling good, he/she can't act "good". When behavior gets the worst around here, I actually find that that's a signal that someone is needing some filling up. If you start by filling up their cup with love, and choose to connect vs. isolate and disconnect, I often see better behavior. I think of it a lot like how we are as moms...at least, how I am. I find it easier to be a better mom when my kids are loving on me, when DH lets me know I'm valued, that I matter...kwim? Sometimes choosing to connect vs. disconnect really changes the whole dynamic.

[brittone2]

One more LOL.

HALT. When my child is acting up, I try to consider:

Could they be hungry? (kids arent going to tell us they have low blood sugar. Sometimes the first sign they need to eat is behavior, unfortunately). Or thirsty.

Angry?

Lonely? (or bored?) (eta: read: has mommy been on the BBB too long today!??!)

Tired?

It is pretty hard to behave well when you aren't feeling well.

There's a nice collection of stickied threads at GCM here:
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?board=231.0