WWYD? DD very attached to our very sick dog

[ohiomom1121]

I have a 12 1/2 year old dog who is a beloved member of the family. DD is SUPER attached to her. We found out the dog has a large tumor growing and pushing on her windpipe causing her to cough a lot, sometimes coughing up blood (sorry if that's TMI). We took her to a specialist but due to her age and the fact that she's a big dog (100 lbs) they don't think surgery is a good idea. So, we are just waiting it out. It's getting a lot worse and I don't know what to do if we end up having to put her down. Do we explain it to DD so she can say goodbye to her, or explain it after the fact? Neither sounds good to me. I go back and forth on what to do constantly. I think DS will be a little sad, but I'm not sure he will understand it and he's not attached to her like DD is. I'm hoping it will just happen naturally, but I also don't want the dog to suffer. Any advice would be appreciated.

[rlu]

We lost Big Boy Dog (BBD) in December. He'd been having issues for a while of which DS was aware, and that BBD was "sick". It was to the point we made certain DS gave BBD a big hug every time DS went to school, just in case. In the end we had to tell DS that BBD had died while he was at school. DS was upset and demanded we go to heaven and bring BBD back.

We warned the pre-k teacher what had happened and DS did talk about it the next day (and the next week and the week after). This definitely affected DS and he still asks questions about it, when we will see BBD again, why he "had to die", etc.

Search for threads on loss of pet and you'll see lots of good advice and book recs if that might help.

As for your DS, our DS was under two when we lost Little Girl Dog and while he talks about her as well, it is more in connection with how she interacted with him as a baby and that she is in heaven with BBD and FIL.

As far as pallitive care vs euthansia, you have to go with your heart on that. I wouldn't tell DD beforehand if you choose the latter. I also wouldn't explain the dog went to the vet and didn't come back - I'd simply say the dog passed away and then give simple explanation what happened to the body if she even asks. (DS hasn't asked yet.)

My childhood dog was buried in the backyard - we had a ceremony, but I was 12 at the time. If you don't want/can't do that, a farewell ceremony may or may not be useful to a young child, follow your heart on that.

[vejemom]

I'm not a vet, nor do I play one on TV :D but I have worked in a vet's office. Will your vet consider steroid shots? If the dog is enjoying a reasonable quality of life otherwise, steroid therapy can help shrink the mass for a while. There are a lot of variables, and it may not be appropriate in this case, but might be worth asking about, KWIM?


As for DD, are you familiar with the idea of "Rainbow Bridge"? In a nutshell, it is the concept of an animal's heaven, a beautiful field where animals wait to be someday reunited with their humans. The old and sick become healthy young animals again, and meet up with their animal family that have preceded them in death. I've met some people who don't like it for whatever reason (i.e. - they're agnostic, some don't agree with the idea of animals having an afterlife). If you find find comfort in the idea, you could incorporate it into what you tell DD whether your dog dies naturally or if you have to choose euthanasia.

[urquie]

we had to put down our beloved, 14 year old buddy last feb. dd was just shy of 4 yrs and she understood what was happening. we talked many times about how his body wasn't working very well and that he wouldn't live much longer... and that was a good thing for him because "his body wasn't working" and we didn't want him to be in pain. we kept repeating the same thing, over and over. this is how we've talked about other people who have passed - their body stopped working.

dd actually went with us to put our buddy down - this may not be for everyone, but it was great for our whole family. dd got to say all her goodbyes, and she brought lots of smiles to our crying faces. she also asked lots of questions, i think it really helped her deal with it.

[sste]

Our dog, who is much younger, is being treated by a doggie oncologist. We actually live 2 hours from Purdue, which is a leading vet teaching hospital. Anyway, for his kind of cancer (bladder) there is a medication called piroxicam (I am not positive of the spelling) that for bladder cancer has similar results to chemo - - meaning for a percentage of dogs it will hold the tumor stable. Piroxicam is essentially super-compounded advil so its not expensive and has limited side effects - - and some positive side effects in terms of athritis. You may want to do some research and see if it works at all for the type of cancer your dog has - - btw, this is probably not something your normal vet would know so I would research elsewhere.

[jayali]

I could have written this thread, in fact I think I did, a few months ago. We too were dealing with an older sick dog that our 41/2 year old son had become very attached to. We ended up having to euthanize Cinnamon, she had developed a large mass in her stomach that they suspected was attached to her kidneys, which ended up starting to fail. We made the decision to euthanize and my husband took Cinnie to the vet. Matthew knew that Cinnamon was very sick, so we told him that she was going to see Dr. Boren because she was getting worse. When she didn't come home I told Matthew that Dr. Boren tried to help Cinnie, but she was too sick and the she became an angel. He was completely hysterical. In retrospect I don't think we could have handled it differently, but I could have prepared myself for the intensity of the reaction. I will say that he was very sad and completely hysterical, but so was I. The next day he was still very weepy and sad and still to this day (2 months later) talks about wanting his Cinnie back and how much he misses her.

The only reason I tell you this is because I don't think there is anything that you can do that will be right or wrong. Your DD will grieve over the loss of her beloved pet. The only thing that you really can do to is prepare yourself for the intense reaction and be comfortable with how you want to explain the passing of the your dog to your daughter. Obviously we all handle these types of explanations differently, depending on religious beliefs and what you are comfortable with.

As far as your sweet, dear friend. I always say they give us so much love and in the end they rip out our hearts. I know very few people who have had pets pass naturally. We have never been that lucky. So I would say the chances of that are not good. Someone on this board told me that I would know when it was time to let go of Cinnie and I thought I would, but in the end I doubted the decision, right up until the end. Our vet, was the one that told us it was time to let go - and that helped me some. He said that we would have to make the decision within a few weeks and nothing we could do for her would make her better. Honestly if I had gone with my husband, to the vet, then she probably would have come home with us that night. I don't think we are ever ready to let go.

Good luck with your decision. I wish you, your family and your sweet furry friend peace.

[ThreeofUs]

i'm sorry about your dog! we have an old and loved furry friend, too.

my advice, such as it is, would be to think about what you will be telling your dcs after your pet has passed away - sooner or later, this is going to happen - and then consider how to prepare your kids emotionally and cognitively for you telling them that.

if you're going to tell them that your good dog went to heaven, that will set you up for one set of beliefs/ideas to instill - if only that the poor dog was so sick s/he had to die to be out of pain, that's another, kwim?

i think it's only a mistake not to prepare your children, as difficult as that may be for all of you. but it sounds like you're not going there. :)

[jacksmomtobe]

So sorry to hear about your dog. My kids are very attached to our dog and she is getting older but thankfully still in good health but I wonder how we all will handle when it's her time. I don't have any real advice but just wanted to tell you that I feel for you. I did have one friend who had to put her dog down last year actually right around this time of year. I remember her telling me that she was told not to tell her kids (4&2) that the dog was "sick" because the kids might think that if you get "sick" you die. Of course I think you can definitely explain her failing health more specifically. My friend's kids loved coming to see us to get some quality dog time after theirs past. I hope you find a way to explain this to your daughter that you feel comfortable with.

Take Care!

[MNmomtobe]

No real advice just hugs. We have a very old dog and cat too.
I'm sure it is troubling to your DD that your beloved dog is coughing so frequently.
I have a friend who has had many pets and made her kids go with each time a pet was put down. She thought it was good for them to see that. I don't know if I agree but I guess it depends on the age of the kids too. I suppose I can see that it might actually make things less scary for the kids since the "mystery" is gone. I don't know what the right thing to do is.
I guess having a few talks with DD to help prepare her would be good.

Sorry not real helpful but sending hugs during a difficult time.

[bubbaray]

No advice, just hugs. I am dreading this eventuality with our dog.

[egoldber]

Ugh, I'm sorry. :(

I would definitely start prepping her. Your dog has been going to the vet so hopefully your DD is aware of that. If not, start talking about that. Your dog is sick. The vet is trying to figure out what is wrong. Even if they know what is wrong, there are some kinds of hurts that cannot be cured and your doggie may die. Talk a bit about what that means in however you and your family view death. Then when your dog does die, she'll have been prepared on that front.

And I completely agree that your DD will likely grieve and be very sad and that is really OK. Some things in life are sad. Grief over the loss of a beloved friend is normal and natural. Sometimes as parents we want to spare our children any sense of loss or grief and that really does them a disservice in the long run. My older DD still talks about our pets that died (most recent was about 2 years ago) and how much she misses them.

[ohiomom1121]

I wanted to write quickly and say a big thank you to all of you. Such good ideas and thoughts on how to handle this. I called the vet and told them she was getting worse and they want to see her to see if there's another medication they can give her. I'm going to ask about the steroid shots and piroxicam. Thank you all....I'll post what they tell me. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

[ohiomom1121]

So we went to the vet and unfortunately all they can do is bump up the dose on the medicine she's on. Apparently it is some type of steroid so the shots wouldn't do anything more. I guess we're just waiting it out at this point. Thanks again for all your advice. It helps!!!

[mommylamb]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry that your dog is so sick. No BTDT yet, but we have a cat that has a congenital heart problem and we are told won't last more than another couple years. DS is young now, but he is already so in love with her.