I just don't get it.......long

[HIU8]

Ok, my sister has to to go India for a business trip at the end of the month. She voiced her concern to her boss about traveling to India now and at first was told she didn't have to go. Now she has been told that she has to go of she will lose her job. So, what does she decide to do......SHE IS GOING TO MEET BIL AND DNIECE IN EUROPE FOR A FAMILY VACATION AFTER SHE IS DONE IN INDIA. Not so bad, but: DNIECE IS 2 YRS OLD. DOES SHE REALLY NEED A VACATION IN EUROPE (neither one has family anywhere except the US).

BIL and my sister have said that their goal is to have DNiece have gone around the world once or twice by the time she is 10. I was told that this is what is most important to them over and above everything else (including DNiece's health and well being).

My sister told my mom that she can't lose her job b/c they can't pay the mortgage without her working and she isn't sure she can get another job easily (understandable). Ok, but, they both get PTO, which is earned every pay period, right???? Neither has any time carried over from last year b/c they used it and unpaid leave to take a trip with DNiece to Japan (b/c you see, DNiece benefitted from going to Japan and remembers everything about the trip--the inside of a Japanese grocery store and toys r us). If they live month to month to pay their mortgage, where is the $$ for this trip coming from. And, if they do have $$, why do they cry poorhouse at every turn. Oh, and there are no more frequent flyer miles. They used them up last year.

I'm sorry, I just don't get their flipping priorities!

Case and Point: My sister called me aty 4:50 last night. Her train got stuck on the tracks and would be about 2 hours to get home. BIL was downtown and could not get to DNiece before daycare closed either. So, we got DNiece and the entire family went out to dinne (me, DH, DD, DS, DN and my father). Meanwhile, my sister got home at 6, but we had to wait for BIL to come and get DN at 8:30 (he was supposed to be there at 7).

I feel so sorry for DN that she is not a priority for sister and BIL. I feel like kicking sis and BIL and trying to knock some sense into their empty heads@!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I actually felt better now that I have let it all out..........

[tmonroe]

I can see your frustrations but I don't think you have the right to say whether or not their DD is not a priority or to question their financial decisions. No one knows exactly what's going on in a persons bank account and most couples will not and should not be sharing that info with other people including our loved ones. It's something I feel is very much between a couple.

I think it's great they want their daughter to travel the world. I hope it's not being done at the expense of her health.

Since you have no say in what they do with their child, what about arranging something for your Dniece that will help her not feel so far away from home like arranging for webcam chats a couple of times per week or if it's affordable getting together a care package for her that has things from her home to make her feel comfy.

[Globetrotter]

I believe a lot can be gained from exposing kids to travel and we take our kids along to visit other countries. They started as babies (at that point travel was more for our sake, but they were happy travelers from the beginning) and they are now fine little travelers who adapt well to new situations. I grew up like that and can say it's the best thing my parents did for us.

That said, I agree that they shouldn't be doing it if they can't afford it or if it has a negative affect on the family. That's another issue, but you can't assume that your DN is suffering for it.

[ha98ed14]

I understand. My SIL does things with/ for her kids that I think are detrimental to them. *NOT* in any way abusive or even cruel. Just not what *I* think is best for them. But then I have to remember that they are not mine. But I understand how you look at DN and feel so sad because you wish it was different.

IMO you can do 2 things: 1) choose to distance youself from them so as to not be faced with this situation all the time, or 2) try to be there for DN to expose her to another way of doing things. But it is hard to do this without implying her parents are lacking/ wrong/ crazy. I will confess that I tried #2 and it backfired royally in my face, so now I am using method #1. But yes, it sucks.

[gatorsmom]

Hugs. I question things my brother does with his kids all the time. Family can be so hard to deal with sometimes. I try not to get involved too much because it's caused some rifts in the past even though I feel like I"m just sitting by waiting for a train wreck to happen. But, seriously, what can we do? Not much. Anyway, I feel for you.

big hugs.

[HIU8]

They can do whatever they want to do with their child. I get that. I decided that when/if they call me for help, I'm no longer available to be their out. I just cannot do it anymore. I don't want to know their woe's and such. I don't care. I care about my niece but really, she only knows what they have exposed her to. I'm just done.

[HIU8]

I choose #1. #2 will not work with sis and BIL and DNiece. They are crazy. They have some major issues (not including what I think are issues about dragging their child all over the world, taking time off from work (sis has been fired before for taking to much time--you would think she would get it by now).

[HIU8]

We have been through a train wreck with them already. I'm so DONE. I love DNiece, but I cannot be there--I just can't anymore.

[MamaMolly]

You know, when you are done you are done. And I don't think you have to apologize for that. If taking a break or distancing yourself is good for your mental health and YOUR little family then that is a *good* thing. I wouldn't burn any bridges, I wouldn't even get into it with them. It sounds like they aren't going to change any time soon. I'd just step back and revaluate it in a few months and see if you are ready to try again.

Best wishes, and I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this.

[cvanbrunt]

We have been through a train wreck with them already. I'm so DONE. I love DNiece, but I cannot be there--I just can't anymore.

It's tough to do, but I've done it. My SIL and her partner are the weirdest and scarily incompetent parents I've ever met. I'm scared for their son, but I've got my life to live. Don't apologize. You don't have a moral obligation to bail them out.

[niccig]

It sounds like they are ungrateful and unappreciative of the help that you give their family. I can understand being frustrated and done if you're an unwilling passenger on their roller coaster life. There's nothing wrong with concentrating on you and your family. If you do have something left to give, and you're OK with it, you can help as you can. I feel for your DN, but you can't change her parents.

As for the travel thing, we travel a lot with DS to see family, and we want him to see different places around the world. But not at the cost of other things. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same priorities, and they may be going places with DN as the reason, but it's really for themselves.

[HIU8]

My sister told me yesterday that they are "feeling it" (have no idea what that means) b/c they haven't taken a vacation in a very long time (ahem...last may they were in Japan for 2 weeks). I HAVE NEVER TAKEN THAT KIND OF VACATION WITH MY DH AND CHILDREN. We have gone away to family, but never just a pleasure trip on the other side of the world. Mys sister swears that DN benefits highly from these trips and that years down the road she will recall her journey to Japan at age 2 (that is what I just don't get. My sister has a MA in early childhood education with a specialty in learning disabilities and she can sit there and look me in the face and tell me that my DN will have memories of her trip at age 2 that she will be able to speak about when she is older). FWIW, my earliest memory is my 5th birthday party. I can see taking DN on a trip like they do at age 4 or above, but at her age, why do they do it--like I said, they have no family overseas--this is for them to sightsee.

[lovin2shop]

I guess I don't understand why them taking their two year old on an international vacation bothers you so much? Of course it is not so much for the child at that point, but I don't see the harm in doing it? And even if it is not about making memories, being exposed to travel at an early age is not a bag thing in my book.

[HIU8]

It's the crying poor and then taking a big vacation. It's the crying when my sister tells me she is in danger of losing her job b/c she takes to much time off, then in the same breath she tells me about a big trip overseas they have planned. (she has lost 2 jobs b/c of this in the past 5 years already). It's the calls we get from overseas to let us know they are ok with DN screaming in the backround (She is always screaming b/c they don't put her down for naps and they don't have a set bedtime for her--she can be up as late as midnight b/c they have not gotten around to putting her to bed). Mostly, I'm bothered for a variety of reasons (having to do with other apects of their lives that they pull me/ my family in on) that all come down to DN never being their top priority (she comes in 4th or 5th--my BIL gets angry if my sister pays more attention to DN than to him; next comes each of their jobs; next comes my sisters MIL; then they remember they have a daughter and she has needs that have to be met--I'm talking food, clothes, a safe environment to live, etc...). One a level I do love my sister. I'm sick of my parents reminding me that I will always have to look after her in some way b/c she is not capable of looking after herself ---I have always been told that my sister needs extra help (and the truth is she does. She has to be told what to do --she cannot innitiate things on her own). I love my DN, but on one level I really feel my sister should not have had any children (b/c I knew it would fall on me to help her AND I REALLY WOULD JUST LIKE TO CONCENTRATE ON MY OWN FAMILY FOR ONCE.)

[lovin2shop]

It's the crying poor and then taking a big vacation. It's the crying when my sister tells me she is in danger of losing her job b/c she takes to much time off, then in the same breath she tells me about a big trip overseas they have planned. (she has lost 2 jobs b/c of this in the past 5 years already). It's the calls we get from overseas to let us know they are ok with DN screaming in the backround (She is always screaming b/c they don't put her down for naps and they don't have a set bedtime for her--she can be up as late as midnight b/c they have not gotten around to putting her to bed). Mostly, I'm bothered for a variety of reasons (having to do with other apects of their lives that they pull me/ my family in on) that all come down to DN never being their top priority (she comes in 4th or 5th--my BIL gets angry if my sister pays more attention to DN than to him; next comes each of their jobs; next comes my sisters MIL; then they remember they have a daughter and she has needs that have to be met--I'm talking food, clothes, a safe environment to live, etc...). One a level I do love my sister. I'm sick of my parents reminding me that I will always have to look after her in some way b/c she is not capable of looking after herself ---I have always been told that my sister needs extra help (and the truth is she does. She has to be told what to do --she cannot innitiate things on her own). I love my DN, but on one level I really feel my sister should not have had any children (b/c I knew it would fall on me to help her AND I REALLY WOULD JUST LIKE TO CONCENTRATE ON MY OWN FAMILY FOR ONCE.)

Ahh, I understand now.