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JTsMom
01-10-2009, 05:40 PM
So, I have been hesitant to write about this here, b/c I know we all have different ideas about discipline, but since it's still dragging on, I've got to get it out. I just want to ask everyone to not turn this into a discussion on discipline, b/c I can't handle it right now. Thanks!

Jason and I went to visit my parents over New Years. My sister was there as well, with her 2 kids. 1 is 9, 1 is a couple months younger than Jason. The younger one is not always the kindest. He hits, he grabs toys, etc. There were several incidents between him and Jason- nothing too major, but I watched Jason get hit by him more than once. I tried to keep things under control, but obviously I couldn't totally control every moment.

Well, DN hit Jason, Jason- who is dealing with SPD and delayed language- came to me, and being upset, had even more trouble communicating the problem than usual. He hit me. We've dealt with this in the past, and I could just tell what the issue was. I took him to another room to try to sort things out, and put him in a kind of semi-time out, for hitting, my goals being to calm him down, remind him that hitting is never ok, and to re-teach acceptable ways of handling the situation. It took a while to calm him down, and he kept getting up, and trying to get back into the fray with his cousin, who was standing right next to me the whole time.

Later that day, my older nephew (who is the kindest boy ever, very sensitive, and who loves me dearly) came to me and said, "Mom and Grandma are talking bad about you." I asked what they had said, and he told me (paraphrased) that they said I should have slapped Jason when he left time out, along with some other stuff. Now this is pretty much par for the course with my sister. To say that we have dramatically different ideas about parenting is an understatement. Normally we just don't talk about that stuff much, so that we can stay on speaking terms.

It would have been bad enough if they had just said these things behind my back, but for DN to hear it killed me.

I was so hurt. Things are rough with Jason. Believe me, I am beyond aware that he has behavior issues. I'm very very very aware. I am doing everything I can to work on his issues, through therapy, through trying different things at home, etc. And don't get me wrong- most of the time, he is a very sweet kid, he's always kind to other children, he's very lovable- he's just challenging.

A couple of days ago, I wrote my mom a long email explaining how I felt, why I feel the way I do, and more about Jason's condition- which she seems to be in denial about. Now she responded that it's all been blown out of proportion, and what they were actually saying is that I have so much patience with Jason, and that DN just *thinks* that's what he heard. Riiiight. Why can't they fess up, apologize, and say it won't happen again?!?!? I'm so disgusted over this whole mess.

If you made it this far, thanks for listening.

trales
01-10-2009, 06:21 PM
I am sorry this is happening, dealing with family can be really frustrating. I hope things get better soon.

vludmilla
01-10-2009, 06:27 PM
I'm sorry, Lori. You are a wonderful mother. So attentive, thoughtful, and involved with Jason. Please don't let them get you down. My perspective on parenting diverges greatly from that of my sister and my mother. I just try not to get too involved with them and keep myself engaged with people who I can relate to about parenting. Oh, and for your sweet and sensitive DN...at least he has you. There are many sensitive, thoughtful children who are surrounded by adults who are unlike them and that must be so hard. At least he has you to relate to.

lisams
01-10-2009, 06:39 PM
I am so sorry. I kind of know how it feels. My FIL totally disapproves of the way we discipline DD. One time he said "a good smack across the face would end that really quick" when she was two. This coming from people who would never lay a hand on their precious dogs (not that I think hitting dogs is OK).

Anyways, I'm so sorry. It really hurts, especially when someone has NO clue what it's like to raise your child.

gatorsmom
01-10-2009, 08:04 PM
I'm really sorry you are going through that. Family can be soooo frustrating sometimes. You and your therapist know what it best for your child. No one else has any place telling you that you are doing something wrong. boo hiss on them.

big hugs.

elektra
01-10-2009, 09:21 PM
That sucks. We have lots of differing opinions on discipline in our family too. I'm sure we will run into similar situations. I plan to stick to my guns like you have. And I know what a horrible feeling it is to catch people talking behind your back, which is what is the most upsetting about the whole thing I bet.
Hugs.

JTsMom
01-10-2009, 09:44 PM
Thanks so much for the support guys. I really appreciate every single one of you, and your kind words. :)

happymomma
01-10-2009, 09:50 PM
Lori,

I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I think family is always just so hard, especially when they don't respect each other. You are the mom and you know what you need to do for your child. You are your child's best advocate. I think you are doing great :)

GlindaGoodWitch
01-10-2009, 10:35 PM
We ran into this with DH's family (the talking behind the back thing). He has 3 brothers and a sister and so there is ALWAYS some mean spirited gossiping usually initiated by my MIL.

(Not that my family is perfect - we just have a different philosophy. I mean what's the point of saying something really nasty about someone if they can't heeeeeeeeeear youuuuuuuuuu?)

Anyway, they were doing this in front of some of the nieces & nephews and I made it a point to tell MIL that it WAS affecting the kids' attitude toward the "gossip-ee." You could tell. So when she starts it in front of MY kids, I cut her off. And when she does it when they're not around, I mmmhmmm her to death.

She hasn't done it in a while and I'm hoping she's gotten the hint that I have all but made into a giant day-glo glitter paint sandwich board.

Now about the SID & speech delay - my daughter is dealing with this too and before we got a professional diagnosis I was called everything from a helicopter mom to a hypochondriac. I heard I was called a post partum wacko by my MIL (DS had just been born) and I got a whole ration of (pardon my German) scheisse from my older brother who learned everything there is to know about the autism spectrum from a Bruce Willis movie. Really.

Isn't your family sounding better already?

My point is this - it's hard enough to figure out what's going on with these kids. When DD cries because I change her diaper, is it because she has a uti or is it the same crying I get when I brush her teeth or comb her hair? Don't start second guessing yourself and the way you deal with Jason. Kudos & hugs to you and I've got one finger for anyone who thinks they know better than you. (And it ain't my pinkie.)

lizajane
01-10-2009, 11:01 PM
well, first of all, it sounds to me like you handled the behavior situation perfectly. to me, it is clear that he hit you out of his own frustration that he could not handle the situation with his cousin. of course, he needs consequences for hitting no matter what, which you gave him by removing him from the rest of the group- which is what he needed. time to regroup.

HOW would slapping a child who just hit and got hit help him learn not to hit????? that just REALLY bugs me.

and what IS it with grandparents understanding a child's differences??

my mom got really upset when i said my child had a mental illness. she blurted out, "stop talking about him that way! i love that boy!!!"

i had to remind her that, um, duh, i love him even more and that i am not talking about him in a "way" i am stating a FACT. he has OCD. it is a mental illness. just like if you have bronchitis, you have an infection.

she actually used to be really weird about schuyler when i talked about him and issues at school. his preschool teacher was working really hard to help him and my mom just heard that the teacher said his behavior wasn't appropriate. which it WASN'T. but the teacher was on HIS side. she later came back and said that she was so caught up in defending her grandchild, she didn't really want to talk about the reality of his ADHD situation. she even said that a while ago, she had planned to keep quiet about her opinions if we decided to medicate because she would NOT medicate. and then when she was just here before christmas, she told me this and said that she really understood now that she saw how SAD SAD SAD he was afterschool and she could see that medicine would be a good choice for him. again, just like if he had an infection that needed medication.

sorry. i am hyjacking. i just mean to say that grandparents tend to see grandchildren as perfect so if they don't behave as though they are, the parent must be doing something to make it happen.

cuca_
01-10-2009, 11:43 PM
Hugs to you Lori. I'm sorry your are dealing with this. I too have a child with SPD and language delays, and know how difficult it is to deal with some of the behavior. Don't let anyone make you feel badly about how you deal with your son. You know him best.

I think a lot of people do not know a lot about SPD and often believe that the kids just have behavioral problems that the parents don't know how to deal with. I had to deal with this at DD's school this year. They kept trying to implement a behavioral plan to deal with some issues, and I kept insisting that she really needed a good sensory diet to go along. Well, when they finally listened to me, the teachers and counselors could not believe the difference in DDs behavior once they implemented the sensory diet.

Honestly, if it were my Mom, I would flat out tell her that I knew she was lying and request an apology. If it makes you feel any better, she is probably lying to you about what was said because she feels bad about saying it.

MontrealMum
01-11-2009, 12:31 AM
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this Lori. We have lots of problems with people "talking" in DH's family too...as in, they talk LOTS behind people's backs, but not to their faces, and it comes back to you 6 months later when it's too late to address any hurt feelings or misunderstanding. Family is not so fun sometimes :shake: But YOU are the momma and YOU know what is best for your DS :)

sste
01-11-2009, 12:49 PM
Try to train yourself not to take any of it personally - - very hard I know when its your mom!

I grew up with a brother with both learning and behavioral issues and I saw from a very young age how my parents felt judged, on trial really. No matter how much they knew mentally that my brother had a medical condition, my parents inevitably ended up feeling like his behavior difficulties reflected on them as parents. This in turn over time lead to my parents becoming increasingly isolated from family and friends, not to mention stressed out and demoralized. It is a vicious cycle.

I would reframe your thinking about this every SINGLE TIME an incident occurs to include statements to yourself like, "These situations/comments happen because our family do not understand Jason's condition" and "We are doing a great job addressing Jason's learning and medical needs." I would also repeatedly remind others, "Because of Jason's X condition, he has difficulty telling us what happened . . . or not hitting back or whatever. We understand its important that all the kids are safe when they are playing together and we are working together on this with his therapist and doctor." Just say it over and over and over in a very neutral way and eventually it may sink in.

hillview
01-11-2009, 03:02 PM
So sorry. Maybe the good is that DN sees another way of dealing with things?
/hillary

tmonroe
01-11-2009, 03:33 PM
I am so sorry you had to deal with that. I really have issues with people who talk negatively about others in front of children. I am less concerned with what the sister and mother said than the fact that they had this conversation in front of a child who does not need to be privy to their opinions.

We have this issue with DH's family. They regularly speak negatively about BIL's wife in front of their children. I'm sure they talk about me when I am not around too. It's not a good practice and adults should know better!

johnsmittacker
01-11-2009, 08:46 PM
Sounds like you need to come to terms with reality, if someone smacks you, you smack them back. Don't raise your kid to be a bitch, don't take nothing from no one, that's how I raise my kids and that's how everyone else should. Next time your kid smacks you, smack him back and put him in time out, if he leaves time out smack him again or spank him....he'll pick up on that asap. It just bugs me to see parents that teach their kids by discussing everything, THEY DON'T LISTEN!!!! They ignore you and it goes in one ear and out the other, grow up.:banghead:

bt0510
01-11-2009, 11:06 PM
That's a really tough situation to be in. We experience similar quite frequently with my wife's family. We can't stand all the back-talking and then obvious lying about it. My wife and I recently saw 4 Christmases. Funny movie and the best part was the quote "You can't spell FAMILIES without LIES!" We've been using that a lot lately. Hopefully that is comical to you and doesn't add to any stress. Good luck.

MamaMolly
01-11-2009, 11:25 PM
Hugs, hugs, hugs. I'm so sorry that they are not supportive of you. You are a wonderful, patient mom. I think that one good thing is that they KNOW that they were 'caught' and hopefully will be more kind in the future. Little pitchers have big ears.

Super duper big hugs.

JTsMom
01-12-2009, 11:35 AM
Thanks again everyone. I'm pretty much over the whole thing at this point. You can't change others, only yourself, right? That's how I'm looking at it anyway. It is really nice to be able to vent about it though, and everyone's support and stories have been really helpful.

The only thing that makes me sad is that the kids will be the ones who pay the price for all of the adult foolishness. Jason really loves his grandmother especially, and I'm sure he misses her. It's a shame that petty behavior is being given more weight than lifelong relationships.

And BT- LOVE the quote! I may have to borrow it. :D