No! You can NOT watch DD

[Mommy Of A Little Angel]

Why does my mother INSIST on trying to watch DD? It just isn't going to happen. I have told her exactly why she can not and still, every time she comes and visits, she tries to get DH and I to leave DD with her. Then she gets all offended and tries to bargain. How about just while DD naps? No - never! And I know I sound mean, but she has back issues and she takes narcotics 'round the clock. Hard narcotics. I am not going to debate her on her actual need for them (that's a whole other b*tch in itself) but I am also not going to allow her to take care of DD. Why is this so hard? And why does she insist on making me feel bad about it?!

[fivi2]

OMG - do we have the same mother??? Mine also has back issues (has forever) recent knee and hip issues and a prescription pill addiction my entire life (also hard core narcotics). And has been repeatedly told she will NEVER be alone in a room with my children, much less alone in the house. And she always asks to babysit!

It is completely ridiculous and I am sorry you have to go through it!

It is especially hard since most irl friends don't get it. Their idea of mom issues is so far removed from what I deal with with my mom. They think I am crazy when I say she will never be alone with my children. But it is not safe - she cannot be trusted.

[hellokitty]

Ugh, that's hard. I have the opposite problem where I can't get either side of grandparents to help watch my kids when we need them too. My mom only wants to do it if I will let my kids stay overnight at her place (death trap for children). She has been bugging me about letting the kids stay at her place (an hr away from us and w/o DH or I present) since my oldest was only a couple of months old!!! She didn't care that he was a EBF baby or anything, I suspect that part of her plan was to get my son to switch over to formula. It really stinks when you can't trust family members...

[StantonHyde]

My dad keeps harping on having DS come. The last time we were there, I talked to him after I left and outlined the following issues:

1. several shotguns in the closet--in the room where he would stay (on the floor, not out of reach)

2. ammunition for said guns in drawers in the same room

3. the fact that my father takes "a snooze" OFTEN (and my kids cannot wake him up--they have tried when he is sleeping on our couch and he does this for a good 30-60 mins)

4. All the equipment for tying fishing flies (hooks, scissors, chemicals etc).

And of course, there is the fact that my dad is on a ton of meds for suicidal depression and he tells me he is not driving so well anymore.

What about this says "Oh yes, trust your child with me"????????

[gatorsmom]

1. several shotguns in the closet--in the room where he would stay (on the floor, not out of reach)

2. ammunition for said guns in drawers in the same room


And of course, there is the fact that my dad is on a ton of meds for suicidal depression and he tells me he is not driving so well anymore.



OMG, can you sneak the guns out of his house without him knowing? As soon as I read the words, "suicidal depression," the idea of guns in his house scared me. Unless, like my dad, he has them there to feel safe living alone.

[o_mom]

My dad keeps harping on having DS come. The last time we were there, I talked to him after I left and outlined the following issues:

1. several shotguns in the closet--in the room where he would stay (on the floor, not out of reach)

2. ammunition for said guns in drawers in the same room



We solved this one by getting Dad a gun safe for Christmas the first year after the first grandchild. Can't help you on the other two, though.

[amldaley]

My mom is 69 yo. She came for DD's first 4 mos. She refuses to wear proper glasses, so I had to clean hidden poop from DD's diaper area more than once. She always insisted she checked DD's diaper and it was dry...when it wasn't. And then, the worst was when she was trying to give DD a bottle. She was still pretty little but had amazing neck strength. We were at the hospital, waiting in the pharmacy area. I heard a gagging sound and turned to see my mother trying to pull DD back BY HER BIB. She was CHOKING HER (unintentionally) and then got upset and cried when I ran over and stopped her. Really? It's not about YOU, MOM.

I never left her alone with DD again. And she was soooooooooo offended. But guess what? It is your duty and my duty to protect our children, first and foremost. You would be remiss, as a parent, to let another adults emotions and irrational desires get in the way of your most important duty.

Respect your gut instinct. Try a new approach with your Mom...maybe actually sit her down and try to have a grown up to grown up discussion with her. It didn't work for my mom, (she got all flustered and defensive - not matter how sensitive I tried to be), but maybe it could work for yours.

[maestramommy]

Wow, this thread is really scary. To the OP and others who posted, so sorry! We only leave the kids alone with MIL for short periods, and most of it when they're napping. She's very helpful, but small and getting frail, so I don't feel too comfy leaving her alone. But what I'm reading here? There must be some loose connection in the brain that keeps them asking to watch your kids.

[StantonHyde]

Oh, let me be clear===there is no way in Hades my father is EVER watching my son at his house. I just think of this one case in Idaho where the grandmother with diagnosed mental illness probably drowned the granddaughter in a river. And everyone keeps asking the parents "WHY did you let her care for this child?" I struggle everyday to make sure I could explain my parenting actions if something awful happened by chance---I am not going to set up the whole thing to fail and have people wonder "WHY would you let your son stay with someone who has battled a lifetime of suicidal depression and they have instant access to guns". NO explaining that one. He said he was going to get trigger locks etc. I don't trust him.

I let him babysit once for a couple of hours at my house. I doubt that will every happen again (just because he lives 3 hours away and we see him once a month or so, so I don't need him to babysit and I just do not want him to).

There is also the issue that he wants my SON to stay at his house, but not my daughter. I had HUGE issues growing up dealing with the fact that my dad wanted a son, not a daughter. I will NOT play into that for my children.

ETA: If my mom were still alive, that would be another story. She was awesome with kids. Needless to say, she is the one who really raised us.

I mean, when the BEST case scenario is that he falls asleep on the couch and my son can't wake him and then finds something else (God knows what) to occupy his time.....uh, no thanks.

[Melbel]

I have similar issues with my mom, who takes narcotics and a cocktail of other meds on a daily basis. She also smokes like a chimney and can barely make it up the stairs where the nursery is located. Need I add that by the age of 5, I had already experienced several brushes with death and numerous serious injuries. Until recently, she never offered to help (note that my oldest child is 9) and just retreated to our guest room waiting for us to take care of her even when I was recovering from CS or back surgeries. After I cut her off for a much needed break, she is "reformed" and wants to help. Now she does not understand why I now will not allow her to do so. Ugh. I feel your pain!

[bubbaray]

Yeah, we have similar issues with my ILs. They want to have the girls over for a week each. THey have a pool that isn't fenced. NOT gonna happen, period. First they argued that BIL/SIL let their kids go over -- like I give a @#$ what they do?! Then they said they would watch them b/c sMILs brother had drowned as a child. Um, yeah, whatever. They nap -- my oldest generally does not. AND, they have door handles that are levers (can you even babyproof those? Regardless, they never have).

[fivi2]

I have similar issues with my mom, who takes narcotics and a cocktail of other meds on a daily basis. She also smokes like a chimney and can barely make it up the stairs where the nursery is located. Need I add that by the age of 5, I had already experienced several brushes with death and numerous serious injuries. Until recently, she never offered to help (note that my oldest child is 9) and just retreated to our guest room waiting for us to take care of her even when I was recovering from CS or back surgeries. After I cut her off for a much needed break, she is "reformed" and wants to help. Now she does not understand why I now will not allow her to do so. Ugh. I feel your pain!

Yep - this is my mom! She expects us to wait on her hand and foot - she is more trouble than the kids. But, even though she tells me her back hurts to much to carry her dishes to the sink - she still whines and asks why she can't watch the girls. It isn't an attempt to be helpful, she is just trying to push buttons and pretend that she is a normal grandparent.

My sister and I cut her off for several years while my nephews were young (the breaking point after a lifetime of drama was that she left loose painkillers out on a low table when my nephew was 2. She had been told before visiting that all meds had to be left in the car. period. She couldn't remember how many she had emptied out of her pocket... lovely). So even though we have cut her out in the past, she still pushes and pushes. You would think she would learn that we mean what we say. Nope!