Don't have a birthday party and only invite half of the preschool class!

[happy2bamom]

My feelings are so hurt. I now know of two parties (actually 3 but one of for girls only so that doesn't count) that DS' classmates have had that DS hasn't been invited to. We go to a small Christian preschool, all of the moms talk so it is silly to think that I wouldn't find out about the party. Thankfully, DS is too young to know, understand or care. At this point I am the only one with hurt feelings.

So, DS' birthday is coming-up next month. Do I invite everyone from his class? The immature part of me doesn't want to invite the boys that didn't invite him (obviously they don't consider him a friend).

Ugghhh... I just want my baby to be included and liked. Is that too much to ask?

[tmonroe]

It's not too much to ask at all. The bitchy part of me says be petty and don't invite the other kids but if you were planning on inviting them anyway then you should. If you weren't, I personally wouldn't make the effort.

I understand you are hurt for your little one. Is it possible the mother just invited the kids she thinks her child would want to come? Maybe there was soem confusion. This happens a lot in planning a preschoolers party.

[deborah_r]

Maybe they are going by the "invite as many friends as the child's age" rule? So if the birthday child is 4, maybe they only invited 4 friends? If your son does not play with these boys much, that would make sense. I could always tell in preschool which boys DS played with and which ones he didn't. Heck, we were in a playgroup for about 4 years and DS never really bonded with any of the other boys - just to one girl.

Anyway, I understand if your feelings are hurt and mine might be too. Just trying to give you other ways to look at it. I've taken DS to birthday parties where I wonder why we are there, because DS doesn't even talk to the birthday child. Also, unless they handed out the invitations at school, I don't think it's bad not to invite all the kids.

[tnrnchick74]

I thought that the PROPER thing to do was...
1 - if you are distributing the invites at school, invite the entire class

OR

2 - if you are NOT inviting the entire class, then you mail the invites privately

If the invites were mailed to people's homes and you just kinda found out about it, then I'm not sure I would be too upset...yeah, feel a little bad for DS that he's not invited, but let it go.

If the invites were delivered at school, then I would be PISSED and say something to the teacher. Maybe there is a school rule about it?

sorry, I haven't had to deal with this yet, but as the "unpopular" kid at school it does hurt. But you grow up and are more accepting of others and when YOU throw a party you don't exclude anyone...well, maybe not EVERYONE.

[happy2bamom]

The first instance could've been a mailed invitation, b/c I found out about the party through small talk with other moms. And honestly, I don't know if 4 kids were invited or 15. I was too embarassed to ask any details once I realized that we weren't invited.

The latest party, the invitations were distributed at school. The mom put the invites in the kids boxes while 3-4 moms (me included) were also near the boxes. She then proceeds to have a discussion with 2 of the moms that received invites about how fun the party will be. Out of a class of 20, she handed out atleast 10 invitations. I just can't imagine someone being that self-absorbed! Clearly she shouldn't care if I do the same (I won't, but I really want to :))

[Corie]

I thought that the PROPER thing to do was...
1 - if you are distributing the invites at school, invite the entire class

OR

2 - if you are NOT inviting the entire class, then you mail the invites privately




This is my son's preschool policy and my daughter's elementary school
policy.

[lorinick]

I would just invite the whole class. They may have been a misunderstanding. Or a lost invite. Who really knows. I say be the bigger person. Think of it this way you got out of buying a gift for that party. My eight year old gets invited to a party a week sometimes two it gets old. Real old.

[SnuggleBuggles]

The latest party, the invitations were distributed at school. The mom put the invites in the kids boxes while 3-4 moms (me included) were also near the boxes. She then proceeds to have a discussion with 2 of the moms that received invites about how fun the party will be. Out of a class of 20, she handed out atleast 10 invitations. I just can't imagine someone being that self-absorbed! Clearly she shouldn't care if I do the same (I won't, but I really want to :))
And it wasn't that she invited all the girls only or all the boys only?? If she just invited a mix then you need to get the teacher/ director involved, imo. There should be clear guidelines about passing invites out at school. If not already in place then they need to establish and distribute that ASAP.

ETA- last year in kindergarten I was at a school function and I overheard 2 moms talking about how the last time they saw each other was at one of the classmate's birthday party...a party my ds hadn't been invited to. It made me wonder how many other parties ds hadn't been invited to. :(


Beth

[lorinick]

Do you know how they were given out? And how many in the class got one?

[saschalicks]

Honestly, I would complain to the school. Our preschool makes it VERY VERY clear no invites to be passed out at school EVER!!!!! They will give us a roster and we can mail/e-mail, but no handing them out at school. I think it's a great policy. What I don't know won't hurt me.

[firstbaby]

I agree with PPs that it is rude to make it so obvious that some are included and some are excluded to the party. It is also rude to discuss the party in front of other parents that may / may not be invited. Adults know better.

However, I don't think parents should have to invite the whole class to a party. Last year, we had DS's party at a bounce place and we were able to include / accomodate the whole class. This year, we did a smaller home party and between my children and first cousins we were at 7 kids already. DS had to make some tough choices as we could not accomodate all 12 kids from his preschool class. He could invite only 4 to keep the party at a managable number. He understood and the parents of the invited kids understood the party was not to be discussed at school.

I would look in your heart and decide what invitations work best for you with your DS's party. I would not make it about the parties he has or has not been invited to. Rather, who he would enjoy spending his special day with. HTH.

[tmonroe]

Honestly, I would complain to the school. Our preschool makes it VERY VERY clear no invites to be passed out at school EVER!!!!! They will give us a roster and we can mail/e-mail, but no handing them out at school. I think it's a great policy. What I don't know won't hurt me.

I think that's a great policy too.

[deborah_r]

The latest party, the invitations were distributed at school. The mom put the invites in the kids boxes while 3-4 moms (me included) were also near the boxes. She then proceeds to have a discussion with 2 of the moms that received invites about how fun the party will be. Out of a class of 20, she handed out atleast 10 invitations.

Oh wow. That's bad. On the bright side, at least you didn't have to buy her kid a gift.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I agree with PPs that it is rude to make it so obvious that some are included and some are excluded to the party. It is also rude to discuss the party in front of other parents that may / may not be invited. Adults know better.

However, I don't think parents should have to invite the whole class to a party. Last year, we had DS's party at a bounce place and we were able to include / accomodate the whole class. This year, we did a smaller home party and between my children and first cousins we were at 7 kids already. DS had to make some tough choices as we could not accomodate all 12 kids from his preschool class. He could invite only 4 to keep the party at a managable number. He understood and the parents of the invited kids understood the party was not to be discussed at school.

I would look in your heart and decide what invitations work best for you with your DS's party. I would not make it about the parties he has or has not been invited to. Rather, who he would enjoy spending his special day with. HTH.

I always follow the X kids/ age of child invitee rule so lots of people were excluded. But, I made sure my invitees knew that it would be small so they wouldn't talk to other parents about it AND I gave out invites outside of school.

Beth

[happymomma]

In the past if I had room, I would invite the whole class or none. This year DS' class seems to have a lot of "boys" only or "girls" only parties. I like that even though they excluded us, it wasn't personal. This year, I think I will probably have boys only party for DS. It'll be at home and we also have 6 cousins in addition. It just would be too many to invite the whole class of 18.

I am having a bday party for DD in a few weeks. I'm putting together a list and I've just decided that I will not invite the class at all. It's a small class of 8 but b/w cousins and her playdate friends, it'll be about 15 kids already. So if I were to invite the class, it would just be too much. But I can totally understand about feelings being hurt. If they aren't going to invite everyone, invites should be mailed instead of at school. That's just rude and thoughtless.

[niccig]

However, I don't think parents should have to invite the whole class to a party.

I agree with this. Birthday parties get very expensive very quickly. We've decided to do alternate big parties every other year.

Between our playgroup with 10 kids, our group of friends with another 15 kids, I'm already up to 25 and haven't even started with DS's preschool friends. If I invite the entire class of 20, I'm at 45 kids plus parents as they're not at the age for drop-off parties.

I don't agree with discussing it at school around people that were not invited, but I don't think I have to invite all 20 when DS only wants 5 of the kids at his party.

I know DS doesn't get invited to all the parties, and that's OK with me. He does get invited to the kids who he has formed friendships with. And DS doesn't play with all the kids in his class, he just doesn't play with some of them for whatever reason.

[Melanie]

I'm sorry, I hear you and agree. IMHO either the entire class comes or maybe ONE friend for an outing, not a handful. I also don't care for the same gender-only ones, but I can understand the gist of it (i.e. tea party birthday that some boys wouldn't care for, but mine would).

And OF COURSE do not take invites to school if not everyone is invited, however the children are going to talk about it anyway and feelings will still inadvertantly get hurt.

[lizajane]

dylan has only been invited to one party so far this year, and it honestly doesn't bother me at all. i asked dylan who HE wanted to invite to his party next week and he told me 4 boys and one girl from his class and his BFF in the older class. and that was all.

he also wanted to have his party at home. i could NOT invite 17 children to a party at my house. so because he choose only 6 friends, i was able to let him have it at home. i would never want to hurt anyone's feelings, and i did let the moms know that this party will be very small and i did hide the invites in the backpacks when no one was around. but when it comes right down to it, i just can't accomodate the entire class for the party that dylan really wants to have. and since his 2nd birthday was spent IN SURGERY and his 3rd birthday was spent at a school friend's party because his invitations went out before i had any, i think he deserves to have his very first party ever the way he wants it.

so try not to have your feelings hurt. you never know what little kids are thinking or what moms are trying to work out to get a party to work.

sorry you are bummed.

[elaineandmichaelsmommy]

We've done 2 birthday parties for dd. One was for the whole class and the last one was just for the other kindergarteners and a friend who'd left the school. The school has that same, NO INVITES GIVEN OUT AT SCHOOL rule.

No exceptions at all ever. But the children still talk on the playground no matter how often you remind them not to if you haven't invited everyone. Some parents also really like the socializing at the parties. Frankly-with a 45 min. drive to school and many of the parties being in the same part of town as the school i don't mind dd not being invited. Now ds is in the same classroom so we'll probobly see more invites since he's on the younger end of the kids in the room and there are more his age than dd's.

Don't take it personally if they didn't give out in invitations at school. More than likely it's about what kind of party they had and the number of guests they could afford than anything else.

[gatorsmom]

Sorry you are hurt. All birthday parties can be so different. Cha Cha was invited to a birthday party a few weeks ago. It included all his classmates (there are 10) as well as siblings. It was HUGE and at the boy's house. It got out of control but it was really nice of the mom to try to include everyone. I"m so glad I didn't bring the twins.

There have been so many instances when one of my kids wasn't invited but for so many different reasons that I try not to take it to heart. A good friend of mine doesn't invite our boys because she tries to keep her bday parties small (they are on a tight income) and instead invites the families who invite HER son to their birthdays- kind of a reciprocal thing. We don't invite her son because I keep our parties REALLY small- I mean, I already have 4 kids! I think she understands and so do I. Other friends have like 1 or 2 close friends they do stuff with on the weekends with their whole families so keep their parties reserved for those friends' kids. As long as my sons aren't sad that they weren't invited I don't care who invites us.

On the other hand, even though it doesn't hurt my feelings, it really ticks me off that mothers will discuss their upcoming party infront of you when they know you aren't invited. Rude, rude and just plain insensitive and thoughtless. That's when I like to pull a little thing like saying this, "Oh, there's a birthday party? When is it? I wonder if we'll be able to come?" That usually makes them speechless. But, it's effective. And it teaches them a lesson. tee hee hee...

[caheinz]

Last year, not only was DS1 excluded from an all-boy party (from a mostly boy class, with no more than one other boy *possibly* excluded) -- but that party was held on DS's birthday, and on the same day as his party, which was joint with another classmate. Since the other classmate was a girl and DS was excluded, we had no clue of the date as a conflict until one of the parents of a kid invited to both told us....

All the girls and one of the boys still came to our party, but the other kid was definitely picking on DS1 at school....

[MMMommy]

DD1 had her 5th birthday party recently at your typical bounce house facility for kids, and we invited the whole class. I know for a fact that there have been a couple of parties within the last few months that she was not invited to. However, I wanted to invite the entire class to DD1's birthday party because the party facility package price allowed for a good number of kids, and I thought it would make more sense to make the most of the package price and have the maximum number of kids allowable at that price point. Also, I knew that DD1 would enjoy having all her classmates at her party, so I didn't want my personal "hurt" feelings to get in the way of her fun day.

If you originally intended to invite everyone in the class, I would do so anyways.

[hellokitty]

Wow, I had no idea that ppl were supposed to invite the entire class. If that's the rule, that would mean I would have to invite 21 kids to my son's bday party. Luckily, I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party and the only friends he rattled off were non-preschool friends. Even as a kid, I do not ever remember anyone inviting the entire class to their bday party. FWIW, I've seen other parents inviting other parents' kids to bday parties at my son's preschool. I am not offended. I don't really know any of the other parents and my son doesn't seem close to any of the other kids in class. So, I wouldn't really expect another child to invite him to their party. If they did, I would feel kind of embarrassed, b/c I don't know any of the other children that well in my son's class.

[MMMommy]

Just to clarify, I don't think any host should ever feel obligated to invite the entire class. I only think that if you had originally intended to invite the entire class (but then thought twice about doing so b/c DC was not invited to other classmates' parties), then I would still invite the entire class. But obviously it isn't practical or feasible for everyone to invite the entire class. Money, size and wanting a small versus large party (and other factors) obviously determine how practical it would be.

[caheinz]

Wow, I had no idea that ppl were supposed to invite the entire class. If that's the rule, that would mean I would have to invite 21 kids to my son's bday party. Luckily, I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party and the only friends he rattled off were non-preschool friends. Even as a kid, I do not ever remember anyone inviting the entire class to their bday party. FWIW, I've seen other parents inviting other parents' kids to bday parties at my son's preschool. I am not offended. I don't really know any of the other parents and my son doesn't seem close to any of the other kids in class. So, I wouldn't really expect another child to invite him to their party. If they did, I would feel kind of embarrassed, b/c I don't know any of the other children that well in my son's class.

If you plan to pass out invitations at school, there's no way to do it nicely without inviting the whole class.

If you can mail the invites, or find another way to deliver them, then you can get away with inviting a smaller number.

[hellokitty]

If you plan to pass out invitations at school, there's no way to do it nicely without inviting the whole class.

If you can mail the invites, or find another way to deliver them, then you can get away with inviting a smaller number.

Ppl pass out invitations at school. They don't give it the kids, they give it to the parents. I guess maybe I have thick skin, it has happened right in front of me before and it didn't bother me. I don't understand why ppl would get upset if they didn't automatically get invited as well. If I had to worry about everyone's feelings, then I'd have to invite all the kids at my son's preschool, plus all 35 moms and their kids from our moms club too. That's just crazy. I think it is reasonable for ppl to set limits, otherwise it can get out of hand. It's just a bday party invitation for a kids' party, so I guess I think it's not worth wasting the time fretting over not getting an invite. There will always be other bday parties to attend.

[tmonroe]

Ppl pass out invitations at school. They don't give it the kids, they give it to the parents. I guess maybe I have thick skin, it has happened right in front of me before and it didn't bother me. I don't understand why ppl would get upset if they didn't automatically get invited as well. If I had to worry about everyone's feelings, then I'd have to invite all the kids at my son's preschool, plus all 35 moms and their kids from our moms club too. That's just crazy. I think it is reasonable for ppl to set limits, otherwise it can get out of hand. It's just a bday party invitation for a kids' party, so I guess I think it's not worth wasting the time fretting over not getting an invite. There will always be other bday parties to attend.

Great points and I have to agree with you. When DD is in preschool I don't want to feel obligated to invite everyone and DD will learn at some point that you don't get invited to all of the parties just like she won't want to invite all of the kids to her parties. I personally will mail out invites though.

[sste]

You dodged a bullet! I have to really like the person before I want to use my precious spare time buy and wrap a gift, haul everyone out of the house, and then stay at a party for a couple of hours with all of those screaming rug rats :) and the sickeningly sweet cake that you have to accept or you seem rude and the goody bag full of things you need to chuck because they came from a dollar store and are probably filled with lead though now you have to worry about the lead being in landfill . . .

Seriously, even when I love the friends involved, I have not yet been to a birthday party where I didn't return and immediately start hunting in my house for the wine or a tylenol . . .

[rlu]

Honestly, I would complain to the school. Our preschool makes it VERY VERY clear no invites to be passed out at school EVER!!!!! They will give us a roster and we can mail/e-mail, but no handing them out at school. I think it's a great policy. What I don't know won't hurt me.

OP - That is horrible.

Same policy at our school. DS was invited to only one party last school year - I felt bad but he didn't notice. He hasn't been invited to any parties this school year yet, but the bday he went to last year was in March, so hopefully again this year.

Last year we followed the age-number guide (plus sibs) and will do similar this year since DS indicated he only wants to invite 2 specific kids when I asked him last week (we're about 8 weeks away already!)