My Best Friend will not stop buying me things...Petty, but annoying!

[HIU8]

My best friend is always "picking something up for me". It is never something I want or need. It is always junk that cannot be returned (it is bought at discount stores and she won't give a gift receipt b/c she doesn't want me to know where it came from so I don't know how much it costs). This is driving me nuts. She makes me feel like I have to reciprocate. I can't. I won't. Our money currently goes to our expenses and savings. I do not have leftover cash to spend on my friend (I'm talking weekly here). I have told her more than once to stop picking things up for me. She won't. I have to put a stop to this. It will ruin the friendship, but at this point I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I have been going out of my way to avoid her so she can't give me stuff. I just throw it out anyway. And, I also don't need to hear how she doesn't have a lot of money and how she lives off of credit. STOP BUYING USELESS STUFF AND PAWNING IT OFF ON ME!!!!!!!!!!

[Melaine]

That's really weird...especially if she is using credit for everything!

[jjordan]

That stinks! Have you heard about the five love languages (http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html)? (Despite the link, love languages are not just for spouses.) I'm guessing that hers is gifts. Sounds as though there's nothing you can do to keep her from doing this. Perhaps you can reciprocate in a way that doesn't cost much/any money - bringing her a few cookies when you make some, for example?

Good luck!

Jill

[egoldber]

It sounds to me like she has a spending/shopping addiction and giving you stuff is just an excuse. I don't think her giving you stuff is about you, KWIM?

[SnuggleBuggles]

It sounds to me like she has a spending/shopping addiction and giving you stuff is just an excuse. I don't think her giving you stuff is about you, KWIM?

Sounds like that to me too. My mom is a major shopping addict (though seems to be getting a bit better) and she used to show up with random stuff for us all the time. No reciepts either. She just felt compelled to buy and I think then she looked for someone to give the stuff to.

Beth

[HIU8]

I totally know that she has a shopping addiction. Her DH, her mother and I have confronted her about it before. She needs help. Heck, her bank account will thank her. I am sick of being the recipient of the stuff she buys.

[elephantmeg]

your best friend must be my MIL....

[egoldber]

I would just throw it out/Goodwill it and not feel bad about it.

[niccig]

Have you tried saying "Thanks for this, but I CAN NOT take it"...either you don't need it or don't have the room for it...and tell her to give to someone who can use it... I'm thinking if you keeping saying no, she'll stop getting you things. It does sound like her family need an intervention of sorts on all the shopping.

Oh, I love that link about the 5 loves. DH is like MIL, and shows love through expensive gifts. I am not this way at all.

[gatorsmom]

How close to her are you? I know that with my best friends, I could confront them about it. And like another pp said, I'd start by saying, "I absolutely won't accept this from you because I know that you don't have the money for it." I'd say that every time she offered something. If the conversation came to a confrontation I'd say that frankly, you love her as a friend but have distanced yourself from her somewhat because you know she'll give you something. You'd like to reciprocate but you can't afford to.

She might not like hearing it, but it sounds like she needs to. And by telling her this, you have explained honestly why you haven't been returning her calls/distancing yourself from her.

[HIU8]

My friend would get offended and cut off our friendship. She doesn't feel like she has an issue with shopping. No one is allowed in their house b/c they have so much stuff and it's everywhere (in bins all over the kitchen, living room and dining room). They eat in their basement b/c they can't get to the kitchen table. I do have to say something to her now though so I don't end the friendship just to end the stuff coming to me.

[motherofone]

Here's another idea-instead of criticizing her shopping habits which seems to make her defensive-let her know why the gifts don't fit into your life. Say something like-"I know you love me and I appreciate that you are thinking about me when you are shopping but we are trying to reshape how we live so we can take better care of the earth. We are trying to teach our children how too much consumption is not good for the planet and are espousing reduce, reuse and recycle in our home. I am trying not to buy anything that isn't necessary and I'd appreciate if you did the same with me and my family so we can set a good example for the children."
This doesn't address her shopping addiction, use of credit or anything else she might be sensitive about. It also makes this a parenting choice that she might feel bad about arguing against. Of course, she'll probably inundate you with reusable shopping bags and hemp clothes.

[Happy 2B mommy]

My friend would get offended and cut off our friendship. She doesn't feel like she has an issue with shopping. No one is allowed in their house b/c they have so much stuff and it's everywhere (in bins all over the kitchen, living room and dining room). They eat in their basement b/c they can't get to the kitchen table. I do have to say something to her now though so I don't end the friendship just to end the stuff coming to me.


This is a form of mental illness and she's in denial. If the friendship is important to you, just give the items to goodwill, but be there for her when she hits bottom and realizes she has larger a problem. I like the idea of giving her cookies or something if you feel you must return the favor.

[MamaMolly]

At first I was thinking that maybe if you collected up the stuff she's given you for a while so she could *see* how much it is then it would stop her, but now I don't think that would work. It sounds like she has a serious problem and I don't know that she'd get it. I'm really sorry, but I think the friendship may be over. You just have to decide if you want to end it by confronting her or by shutting her out. FWIW I think the more helpful thing to do would be to explain why. If nothing else maybe when she gets the help she needs she'll remember you tried to be a real friend.

[Globetrotter]

My friend would get offended and cut off our friendship. She doesn't feel like she has an issue with shopping. No one is allowed in their house b/c they have so much stuff and it's everywhere (in bins all over the kitchen, living room and dining room). They eat in their basement b/c they can't get to the kitchen table. I do have to say something to her now though so I don't end the friendship just to end the stuff coming to me.

Wow, sounds like she's a hoarder! Yikes.

She needs an intervention, IMO. I think, if I was in your position, I would tell her that you aren't going to accept any more gifts and (if you really want to address the problem) tell her that you are concerned about her and her family. She may hate you for it now, but in the long run you'll be doing her a favor, IF she listens. Honestly, unless you are a very dear friend, your influence probably won't be enough.

ETA: Don't worry about reciprocating. She's giving you stuff because it gives HER an excuse to buy more stuff!

Her closest friends and family need to intervene. I say this from experience with someone in MY family. I finally told them, among other things, that I avoid visiting them because I can't stand to see them live like that. I know it's easy for me to say all this to you, but that's my two cents!

[Laurel]

Your friend is a hoarder. IME with loved ones with this disorder, she is giving you the stuff that she perceives to have value because she needs it to go somewhere, and she "can't" throw it away or donate it. Just give it away or toss it...this is a major mental illness and she needs help. The gifts are a symptom.