Parents of only children - looking for help

[clc053103]

We have an only child, by choice. There's been many wonderful benefits to us as a family and to DS. However, at 3 1/2, it is becoming clear to us that DS has some issues with socializing. DS has been at daycare or preschool part time since 18 mo old, with few issues. he has cousins a few years older that he gets along with well. However, he isn't the best with sharing and making friends, often preferring to play alone. We socialize with several families, and when we all get together, DS is almost always the youngest child. He is also the only "only", and it seems he is always blamed for everything- after a recent event, it became clear to us that it wasn't always that DS was doing something wrong, but rather he was easy to blame b/c he was too young to stick up for himself, and doesn't have a sibling there to defend him.

Anyone have some BTDT experience, and can share some tips and suggestions on how to help DS get comfortable in social situations?

[Melaine]

I obviously don't have an only, but just wanted to comfort you with the fact that my twins have a surprising amount of trouble sharing AND socializing. They are SUPER shy and sensitive, and often very clingy to me in social situations. It takes them a loooong time to warm up. So....it's not just your DS!

[pinkmomagain]

I also obviously don't have an only child....but trying to read into your post what I'm hearing is 1) He hasn't had any significant problems with socializing in daycare/preschool, 2) He gets along well with his older cousins, 3) Just seems to have problems with this particular group of families/kids. If I'm getting it right, then maybe it's just a funky dynamic of personalities in this particular group....and that is where the trouble is. Maybe it's worth trying to change up the dynamic a bit, ie. getting together with just one family at a time rather than several, so that he can create relationships with one or two kids at a time -- if it's important for you to keep socializing with these families. Then eventually he might get along better with the others when you all come together.?

[g-mama]

It doesn't sound to me like your ds has issues socializing - it's more that it's this particular group of kids and your theory sounds right.

If he is at daycare, that should give him more than enough time around other kids. If anything, my kids learn bad socializing skills at home from their brothers as opposed to more positive ones at school! They feel much more free to pick on one another, take toys from each other, fight, etc. Of course, I try my hardest to teach them how to behave, but sibling relationships are just different than relationships with the outside world. I wouldn't worry.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Ds1 was an only for 5.5 years. He had some of the same problems you are describing. *But* I noticed that same problems existed for non-onlies too. A lot if just temperament.

IMO, if he is happy playing alone then you need to let it go and know that it's ok. I struggled with this because my ds really enjoyed parallel or solo play. There are days (maybe 50+% of the time) that he enjoys playing alone even now. I see that as a gift that he can play happily alone. He has friends, kids like him, he just doesn't feel the need to be with someone all the time.

The sharing thing, that is more than likely an age thing. It may linger longer than for kids that have siblings but it is still pretty normal at 3.5.

Ds1 did go through impulse control issues (code for melt downs and acting out when not getting his way) through to the first month of kindergarten (started at age 5). I don't know how much was related to his personality and how much was shaped by being on only. As far as we were concerned we weren't the kinds of parents that treated him like an prince that could do no wrong and was allowed to get away with anything. But, maybe not having a sibling and really being able to at least call some shots did affect his personality. There are things that I know now about family dynamics that might have caused some of it. Now it really isn't all about him (we didn't think it was before) because we have to make choices that work for his little brother to ("we can't go now because ds2 needs a nap", for example). There's nothing you can do about that though nor do I think you should do anything. Just throwing that out there since I have now seen both sides.

I really wouldn't worry unless he seems really unhappy. Does he?

Beth

[mommy111]

Don't have an only child but I can tell you that most kids that age have some difficulty socializing. I have a high spirited child who often gets blamed for anything that happens to our babysitter's daughter (who is a year older). DD is not blameless (she has an excess of enthusiasm) but neither is M, the babysitter's daughter (if she falls down running, she will go up to her mom and say DD did it when DD will be a mile away). Her mom, obviously will believe her and punish DD. I quote this because this happened recently within my sight, my usual response is to tend to remove DD from the situation (as in, lets go to our room and color) so that the kids get a chance to cool off. Most recently, in this instance for example, DD started crying and said 'M is lying, you know she is lying, why are you blaming me?' and I had to say in front of M 'DD, I know you didn't do it, lets just go and spend some time together'
What I'm trying to say is that this is not uncommon at this age and that its not specific to your child being an only child, even with 2 kids I try to navigate being nice and accommodating versus advocating strongly for my child, and I realize I have to be a stronger advocate than I am......so hang in there....as DS gets older, and you add some smaller kids to the mix, things will get better.

[sadie427]

Mom of an only here--I don't think what you describe is related to being an only, I think it's developmental and he will grow out of it. I'm not sure what's up with this particular group of other kids/parents also, maybe that is part of the issue also. My only child plays well with others, but didn't necessarily at 3.5, that's really young for true cooperation.

[amldaley]

We are trying to decide if dd will be an only, so your post caught my eye.

What about:

--More daycare or pre-school time and ask teachers to help w/ this issue?

--A playdate on Saturday mornings with other "onlys" his age? ...you could start the group yourself on www.meetup.com

[Fairy]

Mom of an only, by choice, not at all sorry about our choice. I'm an only, too. There are great benefits to being an only, and you shouldn't second guess your choice for the reasons you're citing.

I agree with PPs that these issues are common and not only child-driven. I did find that when DS was in daycare only 2 days a week, it was a real problem establishing that routine, because five days out of sight was 5 days out of mind, and for the 2 days he was there, it was adjustment. Totally did not work. Not sure how many days you're doing, but can you consider going at least three if not four? For socializing alone, I think it's worth it.

My DS is going thru a "mine" phase, but they all go thru that. He's also a wonderful sharer, and that's cuz we worked thru the "mine" stuff with him so that he understands that sharing is kind, and not being kind is not very nice, etc. He's very empathetic, so that kind of argument impacts him greatly. Seems overly simple, but for him it works. Ya know, usually ;-)

Your DS sounds perfectly fine to me; Onliness may, certainly, contribute to his personality, but so does everythign else he encounters, so I wouldn't see it as a serious problem.

[AnnieW625]

We decided to have 2, but up until about a year ago I was more than happy with just having 1. Elisa, almost 3 has always been a play by myself kind of girl esp. at playdates and it used to bug me. It doesn't now, that's just her personality and I truthfully believe that it's because she's around kids all of the time at daycare. Has the daycare/school director made any mention of these problems to you?

I know I am not much help, but good luck to you and your son.

[rlu]

Your DS is younger than mine, but here's what his Pre-K teacher suggested for helping DS get used to group settings in prep for K.

Sports - tball or bowling or soccer - something where the emphasis in on learning skills not winning done individually but with other kids his age (make sense?) This teaches turn-taking and encouraging others plus confidence as his skills increase. Side benefit for us is that DS is uncomfortable in loud groups - this should help address that. She stressed we need to not do parent participation, but that we sit back and he does this "on his own" with us on the sidelines. Not so much for your DS at 3.5 you'll probably be right next to him - maybe The Little Gym or Gymboree type classes? - DS enjoyed his at that age, just was too $$ for us to keep up.

Jungle/crowded park/playlands - lots of kids having to work together to get their turns doing what they want. Again, the noisy crowd thing is big for us. Germ city though.

Attending local high school games - maybe not so much for your guy, but it would show how people work together toward accomplishing a goal, plus if you go frequently, there may be other kids whose sibs are playing he could hang out with.

HTH.

[clc053103]

First off, I just want to say that it brought tears to my eyes to read all of these posts and know that I am not alone, that others are here for me and want to help. It means a great deal to me!

I have to note something that Pinkmomagain said- I think she's right, it isn't a good dynamic in this group with DS being the youngest by over a year. The problems seem to lie within certain families- IE a friend's 2 daughters just don't play nice- another friend's twins were going out of their way to get DS in trouble though we couldn't find anything he was doing wrong, and their mother never left her chair or turned around the entire night!

I like the idea of switching up the scenarios- less families involved, avoid the larger group gatherings for the time being. I also am going to work on a weekly playdate with a classmate for same-age interraction. His teachers at preschool have given feedback that he is very smart for his age, and has been maturing nicely (he's one of the youngest in the class) and making great progress in listening, etc. He's only in 2 days which is their only option, but will be 3 days next year. I also pay for the extended enrichment programs on both days to give him more time with peers in a smaller group setting.

To answer the poster who asks if DS seems happy- I have to say absolutely, yes. This is confirmed by his teachers who say he is happy and loving, as well as friends and family. In just about any other way, he's a really "easy" child- and part of a very close little family unit. thank you for reminding me that his happiness is all that matters, and he doesn't seem to have a care in the world.

I kept wondering if it was "onliness" or the age that was reflected here- definitely could be a combo of both!

Any other suggestions or tips are always welcome. Thank you, wonderful ladies!

[maestramommy]

I have a 3 yo and I will tell you that even though she isn't an only she doesn't like to share! My ped told me that is totally normal for this age. She also likes to solo play a lot, and my theory is that the unwillingness to share (esp. with her little sister) comes from not wanting her scenario interferred with. This is based on something my ped told me. She just started preschool, and the teacher says she's doing just fine, so I'm assuming she's not having any social problems to speak of.

[niccig]

I agree with others that this is more developmental than an "only" thing.

DS is 4 and an only. He plays well with others most of the time. But on Friday, I picked him up from school and he had not shared, taken toys and even hit one of the kids in his class. His teachers and I were shocked as he hasn't had an incident like this in over a year. And the last incident was only a few days of difficult behaviour. He normally gets along with everyone. Something was definitely in the air on Friday.

DS has always played with everyone, but it wasn't until 3 months ago that he formed a friendship. There's a boy in another class who was in DS's class last year. They play together outside and now we get together for playdates. So, it can take a little while for some kids to form friendships.

As for the interacting with the other kids. I have a similar situation where a boy 6 months older will come running from the bedroom saying my DS hit him first so he hit him back, my DS comes out crying saying he never did hit. I don't know what happened as I didn't see it. But I have witnessed the older boy telling DS to do something that I have specifically told both boys not to do, sort of egging DS on to misbehave. I think your son may be experiencing the same situation, as he is the youngest and the other kids are trying to blame him for things.

My solution has to be much more visible when the boys are together. I follow them into the bedroom to watch and police the situation. And I intervene before things get out of hand. If you're there watching you can correct one of the other kids if they say your DS did something, as YOU SAW IT. And just being present can stop a lot of the behaviours. My friend prefers to leave the boys to work out disagreements, but at 4yo they're too young to be left alone. I help them to work out a solution, but I don't let them do it on their own, if I did my DS would get hit every time. I call it "off your butt parenting". By being there, I can also intervene before my DS does something too. I've also limited some play dates. Some of that is because we're busy with own things, but some of it is intentional if I know it will not be a good situation for DS and this other boy. On the other hand, DS and his preschool friend are becoming firmer friends and the two of them are a good personality mix, so I've increased the number of their playdates as DS says he has so much fun with Sam.

[misshollygolightly]

I'm a fairly new mom so don't have any advice to you from a parent-perspective, BUT I am an only child myself and often felt overwhelmed when my family would spend a lot of time w/ our large extended family (lots and LOTS of cousins--all of us stair-step in age). One thing that helped a lot for me was to go to my mom and let her know when I felt overwhelmed (by the noise, sibling-bickering, activity, etc.) and wanted a break. She and I would go on a short walk together outside or do some other quiet activity--just the two of us--away from all the action. It helped me a lot! Not only would it give me a breather from some of the inevitable conflicts that arise when kids are playing together, but it gave me enough space to regain my composure without retreating into myself (which seems to be what your afraid may happen to your son--esp. if he's routinely blamed for things but can't stick up for himself). Could you let your son know you're available for this kind of thing?

[niccig]

I'm a fairly new mom so don't have any advice to you from a parent-perspective, BUT I am an only child myself and often felt overwhelmed when my family would spend a lot of time w/ our large extended family (lots and LOTS of cousins--all of us stair-step in age). One thing that helped a lot for me was to go to my mom and let her know when I felt overwhelmed (by the noise, sibling-bickering, activity, etc.) and wanted a break. She and I would go on a short walk together outside or do some other quiet activity--just the two of us--away from all the action. It helped me a lot! Not only would it give me a breather from some of the inevitable conflicts that arise when kids are playing together, but it gave me enough space to regain my composure without retreating into myself (which seems to be what your afraid may happen to your son--esp. if he's routinely blamed for things but can't stick up for himself). Could you let your son know you're available for this kind of thing?

I think that's a great idea to cope with being overwhelmed.
I've noticed that DS has difficult at large family get-togethers when we're at the dinner table. DH works late, so dinner is just DS and I, and I eat with DH, so it's just DS eating and I sit with him. He gets distracted when there's extra people around the table, doesn't eat, starts to act up etc. Though I did notice that at Christmas he didn't do any of this, so maybe it's a part of getting older as well.

[squimp]

I will give you my perspective as a mom of an only. I agree that some of what you're talking about is more personality, and also stuff that he'll grow through.

I do think onlies can have some unique concerns, and even people being biased (e.g., only children are spoiled, or why would you do that to her). We've had good success in just having lots of playdates - they need to be able to make special friends and bond with kids, and sometimes it's easier to do that in a smaller setting. You also have to make sure you know your child and give them what they need. For example, my DD is very social, she needs and wants and thrives with people around her all the time. So I make sure she gets lots of time with other kids, even outside of school. Sometimes it's easy to just bring her along and treat her like a mini adult, because she is so easygoing. With >1 child, you may be more forced to do kid-centered things. But the more I learn I see that it's important to make sure and make our world kid-centered.

Probably more than you want to know, but as a mom of an only surrounded by few to no other only kids' mom, I am happy to share my thoughts.

[kransden]

My dd is now 6 and an only. One of the things that has worked well for us is modeling "bargaining". Now that she is older she can use her skills with her peers. It is easy for a only to get everything they want, but as we know the real world isn't like that.

Another thing that I have found is that we spend a lot more time/ playdates with other onlies. While my dd might like the girl w/ 4 other siblings, their parents don't have the time/money to do a lot of unscheduled activites.