diaper grandma story- HELP

[GGGGG]

Has anyone heard or experiancees this:

Both my sister and I have 2 children and live far away (over 500 miles), we see our mother 2 to 3 times a year. When we get together my mother loves and takes care of the little except one thing, she refuses to changes their diapers, has anyone heard of this? She wants to take them to play areas, parks, shopping etc, but will not changes them no matter how soiled they are. Both my sister and I have ask numerous times why and her response is the same everything time, "I don’t need to tell you why and just choose not too". My sister and I are at the point were we don’t even talk to her because we get so frustrated because to subject always comes up, my father tells us to keep dropping to subject, only one problem with that is she wants the spend alone time with them, this pass x-mas she wanted to take my 2 year old to the mall, when my wife handed her the diaper bag she ask “why do I need that?” , I simply asked her if she was ready to change her if she has a accident, she replied with, “you know the answer to that question”, to make a long story short, she took off extremely upset, made the holidays very awkward for my everyone. We return to our home 4 days later (11 hour drives) and haven’t spoke to her since.

Does anyone else have a similar story, can anyone help ?

[californiagirl]

This is kind of the point where you get into boundaries. She doesn't have to tell you why. It doesn't really matter why. What does matter is that she can't go places with them alone because they need to be with somebody who's willing to change diapers. You tell her that. Calmly, firmly, and repeatedly. It's not about *why* she won't do it; she won't, and your rule is that the kids don't go with people who're going to leave them in soiled clothes. This may not help -- she may be just as upset as ever -- but it's the best bet as a strategy that will keep everybody who is already sane and safe that way.

Also, this is great practice for dealing with 4-year olds.

[Melaine]

LOL (about practice dealing with 4 year olds!) and ITA with californiagirl.
Someone who is unwilling to change a diaper is not a fitting babysitter; you don't need to know her reasons. Just say you will obviously have to accompany her on any outings to change the diapers. I don't think I would really feel comfortable having her stay alone with your DC if she refuses to do something as simple as change a diaper. Sorry you are dealing with it....

[GGGGG]

Thanks for the advice, we've been down that road and she still doesn't understand why she can’t have one on one time with my 2 year old, we've told her that was the consequences of her actions, its only gets her frustrated.

The other thing that really annoys us, she (my mother) tells us that when they get kids get older I spend time with them, both my wife and I don’t want to that, we find that wrong. BTW, my sister children are older, they went through all this, always though my sister exaggerated

[kijip]

If she is unwilling to change diapers, then what the heck does she think she is doing when she wants to babysit? no basic care = no alone time. Seems pretty obvious. If she does not want to change diapers, then why does she want to babysit?

[MMEand1]

The other thing that really annoys us, she (my mother) tells us that when they get kids get older I spend time with them, both my wife and I don’t want to that, we find that wrong.

I guess I don't understand what you are saying here. Please clarify.

On the matter of not changing diapers, I would say that is a no-go. If she doesn't want to change diapers, then that is her business, HOWEVER, these are your children and they do deserve basic care, of which is clean pants. If she refuses to change their pants, then she obviously cannot be left alone with them. What happens if she were to take them out and one of them has a massive blow-out to the point of poop up the back and down the legs? I mean, this is basic hygiene, you know?

The next time she has a fit about this, tell her that there are consequences to every action/decision and the consequence to her decision to not changing diapers is that she cannot be left alone with the children. It's simple, really, and if she cannot figure it out, I would not trust her alone with my children for a second!!

Good luck. I know how frustrating things can get with family!
Mariah P.

[Melaine]

I guess this is a little OT, but my mom is very hands-on and completely trustworthy with my children. She will do anything and everything they need/want and is a great mother/grandmother. However, she has never taken either of my kids anywhere alone. No one has, other than me and DH. I don't think is necessary for a kid that age to go on outings with grandparents. Time at home, playing, or as a group going to the park or out to eat, is about right at this age. When they are older, grandparents can take them places for fun, but at this age I just don't feel like it's necessary....(unless maybe there is extended babysitting going on, like overnight, etc. in which case they might want to leave the house!). It's not that I think there is anything wrong with it, it just doesn't NEED to happen for the sake of going somewhere.

[Edensmum]

Thanks for the advice, we've been down that road and she still doesn't understand why she can’t have one on one time with my 2 year old, we've told her that was the consequences of her actions, its only gets her frustrated.

The other thing that really annoys us, she (my mother) tells us that when they get kids get older I spend time with them, both my wife and I don’t want to that, we find that wrong. BTW, my sister children are older, they went through all this, always though my sister exaggerated

I don't understand the second part of your post. Is she saying that she will spend time with them when they are older?

I agree with PP she simply can't let them sit in filth, that's wrong and why would she want to treat her grandkids that way? Keep asking her that, it's uncomfortable and bad for them why would you want to put them in that situation?

[kransden]

If she doesn't want to change dirty diapers that's fine, but she can't have them by herself until they are potty trained. I don't see why that's so hard for her to understand. Does she want to drive them back from the mall with $%!# smeared all over her car from over filled diapers?

[niccig]

I agree with PP she simply can't let them sit in filth, that's wrong and why would she want to treat her grandkids that way? Keep asking her that, it's uncomfortable and bad for them why would you want to put them in that situation?

Not to mention diaper rash. If you left my DS in a soiled diaper for a drive home from the mall, he would have angry red diaper rash for days. It's neglect to let that happen to a child.

I understand that some grandparents feel that their diaper days are done, and they won't change a diaper. Fine. But then you can't ask to be left alone with the child. And it goes past potty years, my DS has been potty trained for over 12 months and he still needs help wiping.

[tarabenet]

Thanks for the advice, we've been down that road and she still doesn't understand why she can’t have one on one time with my 2 year old, we've told her that was the consequences of her actions, its only gets her frustrated.


It doesn't matter whether or not she understands. Just as it is true that she doesn't have to explain herself, you don't have to explain yourselves. Your child, your call. Your mother can grow up or remain a brat, and that is her choice -- to steal a line from my Dad, you "didn't take her to raise."

[DrSally]

I just wouldn't let her take the kids anywhere alone wo/her willing to change the kids. They can't sit in dirty diapers, whatever issue she has.

ETA: If I understand your second post correctly, sounds like she doesn't care for infants and everything that comes with them (including changing dipes).